HOW IS A MAN DIFFERENT FROM A WOMAN?

Alexander Biryukov

1.12. Male and female aggressiveness

Contrary to stereotypes, men and women are on average equally aggressive. However, there are several differences between male and female aggression.

A) In social conditions, women are less likely to show aggression not because they are more peaceful, but because more men afraid of punishment or counter-aggression. Women are more conforming than men;
B) Male aggression is more regulated. This has a direct dependence on a man’s and woman’s understanding of truth and legality;

However, when there is no fear of punishment, women are even more aggressive than men. This is evidenced by the morals prevailing in women's colonies. It is well known that in terms of the degree of violence they exceed men's and are second only to children's.

A.I. Vinokurov, Elizabeth Bates in various studies revealed higher aggressiveness in women. Daniel J. Whitaker et al found that 70% of unilateral domestic psychological violence is perpetrated by women.
The lower level of violence in closed male groups compared to that in female groups is well explained from a biological point of view. A man is a creature adapted (or even created) specifically to perform hunting and combat tasks, from hunting a mammoth to fighting with an enemy. He is equipped strong muscles, strong bones and heavy fists, and over time acquired a weapon in the form of a stone axe. If a program had not been put into his brain that would limit his tendency to aggression, then men would easily kill each other for the most insignificant reasons, ranging from the division of spoils to personal enmity. And nature has invested such a program. And not just one, but several. One of them was discussed in the previous part, this is a man’s understanding of justice and order. The second is law and religion, which came from the same root and which we will talk about a little later. They were invented by men, but the very fact that it was the male brain that created them tells us that nature provided such a mechanism for regulating aggression in the later stages of the development of the human psyche.

On the other hand, women are not suited to combat missions. They don't need an aggression regulator like men do. In other words, female aggressiveness simply does not have a natural brake, unlike male aggression. In an extreme situation, a woman should adapt to this situation, and not resist it - this way there is a greater chance of saving herself and her children. But this is true for a mixed (female-male) society, and a balanced society, where strategic leadership is exercised by a man, who is also responsible for the household. In such a society, a woman does not show aggression for two reasons: firstly, she understands the physical superiority of a man and is afraid to initiate a fight, and secondly, unregulated aggression will be punished according to the rules of justice.

What happens in other situations?

Let's take a closed women's team- colony. There are no men, therefore, the fear of running into an enemy who is stronger and more skillful by default disappears. The understanding of justice hardwired into the brain is feminine, that is, it depends solely on personal emotional preferences, and not on objective reality. There are no limiters, or rather regulators of aggression, characteristic of a male team (rules, concepts, etc.). Therefore, aggression is released, and it is released to the fullest, without brakes. And this results in precisely what makes women’s colonies much more cruel than men’s.

In the men's colony everything is different. As already mentioned, a man’s aggression is regulated by both internal and external mechanisms. Yes, men are more inclined to fight for rank, but all this is clearly regulated by concepts and their bearers - criminal authorities. Without a person violating concepts (that is, without violating justice), they won’t lay a finger on him, but lawlessness—that is, the same violation of rules—is strictly punishable. Now that a man raised by women thinks in female categories, this state of affairs is eroding or disappearing. The men's colony strives to match the women's colony in terms of lawlessness (but still cannot reach it). Moreover, the stricter the regime of the colony (i.e., the more authoritative members sit there), the less lawlessness.

Let's take another example - family. In a balanced family, the man is the leader, the head of the family. He is responsible for all household members, but he also monitors the implementation of the order and rules adopted in the family. A woman’s aggression is regulated (suppressed) by these rules, as well as by the fact that the man is stronger than her. If she rushes at him with her fists, she will get hit back.

In a modern family, everything is different. A woman dominates a weak-willed, dependent man. From infancy, he was raised by women for women, suppressing everything masculine, from the concept of justice to the ability to stand up for himself. He is not able to set rules for the family, nor follow them, nor demand their implementation by household members. In addition, it was drilled into his head even in infancy that it was forbidden to beat women, even in self-defense. Even if he cuts with a knife, don’t you dare touch a weak woman! In addition, a woman is protected from self-defense on the part of a man by the repressive machine of the state - laws designed to combat domestic violence (curiously, only by men, but not by women). As a result, nothing limits or even regulates female aggression. Hit me - I don’t want to. I'm not even talking about psychological violence. As a result, the man is bound hand and foot by his mother and grandmother’s upbringing and anti-male laws. Suspended from the ceiling like a punching bag. Female aggression, which has no internal brake, is deprived of external ones and splashes out in the most disgusting forms: women are 2.5 times more likely to use a knife as an instrument of violence and 2 times more likely to injure men with a knife and heavy objects during domestic quarrels than men.

The difference in female and male aggression is perfectly illustrated by duels. Yes, yes, they were both male and female. Male ones happened more often, but female ones became more cruel and sophisticated.

The reason for a male duel was always some kind of grave insult, insult, or manifestation of hostility. Even because of the epigrams, men rarely grabbed weapons - much more often they laughed it off. Moreover, the ability to make a witty joke was much more honorable than the desire to quickly draw a sword (and thereby confirm the inertia of one’s mind).

For a female duel, the most insignificant reason was enough, such as identical dresses at a ball or a sidelong glance, and fights over lovers were a very common occurrence.

Male duels ended in the death of one or both duelists only in four cases out of ten, and reconciliation even before the use of weapons was a very common occurrence.

Women's duels ended in the death of the participant in eight cases out of ten, and the topic of reconciliation most often was not even raised due to the fact that duels almost always immediately followed a quarrel.

If a man's duel can be safely called a duel, then such a term is not suitable for a women's duel. Men's duels were strictly regulated and many times simply did not take place due to the fact that certain formalities were not observed. Women's duels had no rules. These were simply fights akin to a pirate fight in a drinking establishment. Often the duelists were joined by their seconds, and the opponents fought wall to wall. Or rather, a bunch. Of course, talking about any rules here is stupid. They used poisoned weapons, weapons with secrets, and other things that in no way corresponded to the concepts of honor.

Once again I want to turn to our lovely ladies and discuss the issue of aggressive behavior of men. For what? On the one hand, things have already boiled over, and I have long wanted to speak on this topic. On the other hand, day after day I am convinced that girls do not understand one obvious truth, moreover, the truth on which their own happiness depends.

What do I mean by an aggressive man and by aggressive male behavior? In general, the same as many of my compatriots. In our Western world, imbued with tolerance and diplomacy, everything is considered aggression, from open physical conflict to... persistent defense of one’s own interests. And, naturally, all this is “bad”. We were taught from childhood that well-mannered boys are never rude to their elders, are not rude to teachers, do not offend girls, and do not fight with boys. As a last resort, they give back. Therefore, displaying aggression is considered bad manners. And that’s why we have more than one generation of weakened, infantile and irresponsible men. But that’s not what we’re talking about now... The point is that in certain situations boys should show aggression, but they are taught not to do this under any circumstances.

As a result, rare in our time, guys with a “little animal” who have retained the ability to be aggressive, Every now and then they hear perplexed exclamations from their women: “Sasha, why are you using force?” or “Seryozha, why are you angry with me and shouting when I...?” or “I’m already afraid of you! I have a feeling that you’re about to tear me to pieces…” - and that’s the right feeling :))) And finally, an example of a phrase that floored me. She referred to the manifestation (quite fair) of a man’s aggression towards another man, which the girl witnessed. As a result, something like “I don’t like your aggression, I don’t want an aggressive man next to me” came out of the girl’s mouth.

Dear, sweet, beautiful, beautiful and inspiring women to our deeds and life in general! I love you very much, respect and admire your femininity... But! I am forced to admit that many of you tend to live by the principle “eat the fish and keep the sheep safe.” Of course, not only women live this way, and not all women do, and not always. But if you do not accept his aggression in a man, you are already trying to eat that same fish...

Enough preamble, let's get to the bottom of this. First, we will discuss the manifestation of aggression by a man in general, and then towards a woman.

You feel protected next to a real man

Many women answer the question “who is a real man for you”: “the one with whom I feel protected.” Absolutely, fair. Here my male view completely coincides with the female one. It is clear that this is not the only thing that determines a man’s “realness,” but it is one of the main indicators.

Let us discard religious “superstitions” and esoteric pseudoscience and turn to Darwinian evolutionists and ethologists. According to the concept of evolution, the way of life of the primitive human pack was forced to be like this: women and children were in a safe and “well-fed” place, and men “at the front” protected this place from enemies, predators, and also provided families with food and other necessary resources.

Hence the instinctive need for a man with whom “you feel protected and relaxed.”

The defender is dangerous and aggressive

So, the basic natural functionality of a man is to ensure the safety of a woman. This is why you feel protected next to a real man; a real man simply radiates it. Now let’s ask ourselves the following questions: who is capable of ensuring security? What qualities does a man need to have in order to provide her? It's probably already clear what I'm getting at.

Only a person who is capable of being DANGEROUS can ensure safety.

I hope this is obvious and won't go into detail here. Go ahead. The danger is created, firstly, by armament. This can be literal weaponry - the presence of a pistol, knife or other means of self-defense, or a person himself can be a weapon - possess skills hand-to-hand combat. Secondly, being armed, a person must be ready to use this weapon. In other words, a man must be mentally ready to show aggression, and for this he must initially be aggressive. I would like to emphasize that an aggressive man is not the one who constantly tears and rushes, but the one who sometimes, on the right occasion, can manifest it, “turn it on.” Let us remember the famous image of the king of beasts - the lion. There is no doubt that this animal is aggressive. But manifestations of aggression on his part can be seen quite rarely. Most of the time, the Leo is calm and displays aggression based on the principle of reasonable sufficiency.

A man’s ability to show aggression is akin to knowing a foreign language.. A Russian person lives among Russians, works in a Russian company, communicates in Russian. But suddenly a foreigner approached him on the street with a request to show him the way to... And the Russian answers in English, since he taught it both at school and at the institute. The ability to speak English is one of the skills that is used for its intended purpose in a certain situation, and this does not mean at all that a person trains his “English” day and night. The manifestation of aggression is similar, only its manifestation is an innate ability, and foreign language- acquired. But the very fact of having the ability is important, because its absence makes a male defender defenseless in certain life situations.

So, girls, if a man is not capable of showing aggression, he will not be able to protect himself, nor you, nor your children, nor the Motherland.

Once on a forum on the Internet I saw such a laconic comment on this matter:

A man without aggression is a dead-end branch of evolution.

Well, I have nothing to add :))

Aggression has many manifestations, it can be controlled and uncontrollable, destructive and healthy, direct and indirect, internal and external, verbal and physical, etc. Psychologists note the duality of aggression: it is both a negative, destructive manifestation of a person, and a central function of the individual, aimed at adapting to living conditions.

I’m talking about the second option, I’ll repeat it in big bold letters:

AGGRESSION IS THE CENTRAL FUNCTION OF THE PERSONALITY, AIMED AT ADAPTING TO LIFE CONDITIONS.

I mean a controlled and dosed manifestation of aggression (initially, verbal and, in extreme cases, physical) in conflict situations, aimed at PROTECTING life, health, property or defending one’s rights, maintaining the independence and autonomy of one’s personality. If you are interested in this topic, if your educators have taught you since childhood that aggression is bad and shameful, I recommend reading a book that has two versions of the title: “Aggression” or “So-Called Evil,” by Konrad Lorenz.

15.07.2012 - 11:57

Greetings to all!
I am Patsak, 33 years old, an adult child from a dysfunctional family, raised by my mother and grandmother.

I have a very serious problem of fear of aggressive people.
At the same time, I am practically not afraid of people with power. Unless they begin to present something about disrespect to the authorities. But these are minor things. Since childhood, I was also practically not afraid of teachers and other officials.
In reality, I am afraid of people who show aggression in the following forms:
- rudeness, rudeness;
- caustic and disparaging remarks, remarks;
- assault, use of force or threat thereof;
- threat to use leverage from the authorities, police, etc.
Moreover, these aggressive people may be much younger than me and (or) lower in rank.

There is also the problem of the exacerbation of general aggressiveness in the last approximately 3-4 years (all from personal observations):
- the amount of rudeness and rudeness has sharply increased, people have become twitchy;
- aggression is felt even in ordinary conversations on everyday topics;
- humor has become extremely evil, people get angry even when they laugh;
- the whole environment around is reminiscent of a school class or a yard, where you need to “put yourself” morally and physically;
- children and youth have absolutely ceased to respect and fear their elders;
- grown men behave like street boys;
- if you accidentally get in someone’s way, you can hear them make a long, boorish remark;
- someone can make a claim in the style of “what the fuck are you???” and use force without visible reasons, and even refusing to explain those, here is an example;
- often there are fights just out of nowhere (they quarreled over a trifle), sometimes in such cases murders occur.

And all this greatly slows me down in terms of leaving my “comfort zone”, which provides for the minimum necessary contacts only with trusted people.
In general, I look like a decent and quite confident man (many are very surprised to learn that I don’t have a family, and that I don’t have a car either).

Conflicts really unsettle me, so I turn on the “super-vigilance” mode, which allows me to avoid them: the main thing is that my trajectory does not intersect with the trajectory of an aggressor, anyone: even an armed bandit, even a banal tram boor.
Such vigilance hardly bothers me, unlike conflicts with some boor or an assault from a gopnik.

Boxing, wrestling, etc. They are not suitable for me due to, firstly, medical contraindications, and secondly, the difficulty in determining where force should be used (because in some situations a forceful response can only aggravate the problem).
I don’t know how to “speak by concepts”, I’m unlikely to learn, and this, too, can only make things worse.

Therefore, the experience of men in overcoming this kind of fear is interesting.
For women, there are still no problems with the need to stand up for themselves physically or “speak on concepts”.

Guest_Brandy

15.07.2012 - 12:09

)))

15.07.2012 - 13:00

)))
Standing up for yourself physically is a necessity, but not an opportunity.

Yes, perhaps I went too far when I argued that for women to stand up for themselves physically is completely irrelevant.

However, men still have specificity, and it lies precisely in the ability to adequately respond to an offender, without exceeding the limits of necessary defense (not so much according to the law, but according to “concepts”).

15.07.2012 - 16:00

During verbal aggression, it is important for me to stop myself from becoming a Victim, otherwise I begin to speak in an unhappy voice and make excuses. The aggressor senses this subtly and becomes even more inflamed, and I generally freeze in fear. It can be difficult for me to stop this moment of falling into the Victim, this process is so familiar and familiar.

But if I still manage to exert myself and keep myself sober at the moment of the attack, as if observing what is happening from the outside, then my calmness puts an invisible barrier to the aggressor, and gives me a clear consciousness for a deliberate response or action. It's not a matter of external reaction. It's a matter of internal state. We need to practice. After several successful times, peace comes - “I can do it.”

It also helps to imagine some familiar, confident person in your place - how would he behave in my place? And act “as if” I were him, as if from his insides.
Essentially, this is working with the image of your inner self.

Of course, I have not completely overcome the fear of aggression - I think this is impossible - but life has become easier.

_____________
“A pimple won’t pop up without a reason.” Folk wisdom.

15.07.2012 - 22:55

I have the same problem. Despite the fact that my height is 189 cm. and the weight is now under 100kg. And in sparring, on the “gloves”, he noticeably outperformed the most advanced and cool ones (agility, speed), but in a real situation something incredible was happening. I was constrained, pinched, I was scared, I didn’t even know what to answer during the showdown, although as soon as it came to fights, some mechanisms were activated and in terms of defense I worked perfectly. but only protection.

I agree with Yasen and have even seen literature that Gopniks and others are deliberately forced into the role of victims. If this fails, in most cases they go cold. They themselves become uncomfortable. I succeeded. With such a meeting, I was able to isolate my fear in a stressful situation. It is in stressful times, because in normal conditions it is easily detected, but in a stressful situation it dominates, absorbs, I was all in it, it led me to understand that this is fear - it is difficult. I stopped being afraid of him. I stopped being afraid of my fear. By the way, then a psychologist advised me on relationships with women and I adopted this technique - “there should be fear, but they are NEVER afraid of it.” I felt how he was already starting to tug at me. And he let him go. I wasn't afraid. To the Gopniks’ proposals to leave, this time I didn’t emotionally crumble (why?, I won’t, what do you want?), but internally I felt calm and calmly answered, “I have a different program” - I didn’t “stick together” with them emotionally , I was even and showed that they are them, and I am me. They froze, moved away, asking something like “where is such and such a street,” to which he kindly but firmly replied, “ask others,” and went their separate ways.
It was 2002. Since then, the fear of aggression has come up more than once, and I have learned to overcome it again and again. Then the fear began to pass.
One more point needs to be fixed: there are no coincidences: life constantly confronts me with what I am afraid of, so that I can overcome it all. So I calculated that in 90 and 91 I had about 35-40 incidents - more than 1 time every month! And when I managed not to be afraid, and then not to be afraid, these incidents disappeared by themselves. The situations simply did not arise. The post looks like bravado, but it's not at all. Periodically, fear returns and real “bells and whistles” appear, and then I remember all this, work through it, so as not to bring the situation to a specific case. This is much more profitable than lying on the floor and hiding behind my hands to see someone’s boot flying at my head.
Quite a long letter, but one more point.
I have not yet been able to understand where the fear came from. But there is one point: it turned out that I’m actually not afraid of those people, I’m not afraid of injuries, I’m not afraid of disgracing my honor in front of them - I’M AFRAID OF MY OWN AGGRESSION! A ban has been imposed on her by someone, or by herself! So, I am afraid of severe reproach, punishment of those people for their actions! And no fighting! Perhaps this is a mother’s prohibition, perhaps this is an attack from older children in childhood. There were cases when, as a child, I beat my peers quite severely...... What is the cause of fear is a mystery to me. It will be funny, but I am constrained, even when I push the cat out of the way with my foot - I stop and move it to the side! It hampers me when I want to swat a mosquito on me - I just blow them away or brush them away.... That's it...
Taking this opportunity to write this letter, I understand and admit that the fear of aggression is codependency, old camouflaged codependency, and I understand that for all this time, for all these years, I have not been able to do anything about it - I am powerless about it. Dear Higher Power! I ask you, take me to you and solve this problem of mine for me. I feel bad for you because I still experience this! Please please! For my part, I undertake not to simply use violence against people. Thank you!

16.07.2012 - 05:41

And I, in short-term conflicts with strangers sometimes I slide into the Victim: for example, someone was rude when they bumped into me when getting off the bus, I prefer to remain silent or mumble, admitting my guilt - because if you start actively arguing, you can get punched in the face.

Again, not suitable for the reason that this confident man may be able to fight or react quickly and adequately in the event of a conflict, which I cannot do.
Although in business communication I often copy confident and charming people, and quite successfully.

Quote(Serrgey)

One more point needs to be fixed: there are no coincidences: life constantly confronts me with what I am afraid of, so that I can overcome it all. So I calculated that in 90 and 91 I had about 35-40 incidents - more than 1 time every month! And when I managed not to be afraid, and then not to be afraid, these incidents disappeared by themselves. The situations simply did not arise. The post looks like bravado, but it's not at all. Periodically, fear returns and real “bells and whistles” appear, and then I remember all this, work through it, so as not to bring the situation to a specific case. This is much more profitable than lying on the floor and hiding behind my hands to see someone’s boot flying at my head.

As I already wrote, a super-vigilance mode helps me avoid conflicts, as well as hanging in my comfort zone: home-work-home. I’m even afraid to buy a car precisely because of the fear of a conflict on the road, and not just an accident (you can get into one in a minibus). And I’m afraid of contacts with new people - maybe I’ll have to participate in showdowns and other conflicts.

Quote(Serrgey)

I have not yet been able to understand where the fear came from. But there is one point: it turned out that I’m actually not afraid of those people, I’m not afraid of injuries, I’m not afraid of disgracing my honor in front of them - I’M AFRAID OF MY OWN AGGRESSION! A ban has been imposed on her by someone, or by herself! So, I am afraid of severe reproach, punishment of those people for their actions! And no fighting! Perhaps this is a mother’s prohibition, perhaps this is an attack from older children in childhood. There were cases when, as a child, I beat my peers quite severely...... What is the cause of fear is a mystery to me. It will be funny, but I am constrained, even when I push the cat out of the way with my foot - I stop and move it to the side! It hampers me when I want to swat a mosquito on me - I just blow them away or brush them away.... That's it...

This is definitely not the case for me. I don’t have a problem with swatting a mosquito or “cat, get out.” But in the case of fights, I have never fought seriously; since childhood I have avoided fights for the following reasons:
- fear of pain (I have increased sensitivity to it:();
- fear of physical harm - that something will be broken or knocked off, will develop cancer tumor and so on. - I'm suspicious;
- fear of severe humiliation - they will beat me up, which in itself is humiliation, and then they will humiliate me in some other way - for example, they will urinate on me;
- fear of fatal conflicts - my opponent will have connections in the police or somewhere else, and I’ll go to jail (they might also plant drugs or something else).

16.07.2012 - 08:15

Ash, Serrgey Thank you very much for such great advice, I read about this somewhere in the literature, but now it’s better understood in my head. And besides, when someone has experience, it gives faith.
Patsak The topic is just right, it’s also very topical for me

I’m currently working on this very actively. Often I’m even afraid to look up at drunk people, because they might see “it” there.

and I realized that I had imposed a ban on aggression. This is a strong insult to the mother, because... she showed aggression towards me, nooo, I can’t fall as low as her, she’s a Herod in human form.
Well, I work with this, and with resentment too. But for now I’m still “white and fluffy,” and these people are animals and bastards.
While I am getting used to the thought and looking at this thought: violence is a disease transmitted by inheritance. And although my ban is very strong, there have been cases when I am an aggressor and I simply hated myself for them.
And then I found out that it was contagious and uncontrollable. Just taking steps many, many times helps you cope, and this is forgiveness.
The ban on aggression is my revenge. “You are dirty and stinking creatures, but I am white, fluffy and generally good in all areas of my life, not like you, it serves you right.”
I try to separate aggression and violence from people.
And today I have another new level of awareness: this is the reality of this world. This is neither bad nor good. God is not evil. Because there is such a “disease” as violence.
There is an undoubted advantage to this - I was vaccinated against violence and I know that it is bad and painful. I learned compassion. Perhaps there is no other way to learn compassion, love, other than this path.

16.07.2012 - 08:22

Here's another cool topic I came across:

Quote

Someone looking us straight in the eyes, standing very close and speaking with emphasis is not the feared one, but the intimidating one; this man controls the fight perfectly. It's important to be assertive here. Refusing to accept the initial premise from someone that he or she is more powerful, more competent, more in control of the situation than we are, can be accomplished by creating an apparent confidence and calm equal (in strength) to the sense of control imposed by the other person through voice and actions . Carry (in yourself) a strong, concrete image, rich in tangible sensations, sights and sounds; it can remind you of your own competence. Remember a time when a person or group of people believed that you were the best person in order to hit the planet. Remember a photo, a person, or a place. Think about something that makes you feel alert and energetic. By not revealing this special image to others, you preserve it as an inner core that cannot be violated. Focus your attention on what you are doing rather than on thoughts about yourself; disrupt your interlocutor's plan by intercepting a stream of harsh comments from negative internal dialogues. As the interaction becomes clearer, the need for such an (internal) image gradually disappears. If you have been able to ask your questions, conduct your negotiations, receive your impressions, you will have more control over your actions and over the choices that others are trying to make for you. Philip Zimbardo, Ph.D., Susan Andersen, Ph.D.

I plan to practice. I shouldn’t have shelved it, because yesterday I was overcome with fear again, I was afraid to look at drunk people, they are simply attracted like a magnet.

It also helps to pray for gopniks and those people who cause fear.
I haven't done this for a long time, so the fear has returned. We need to pray for their peace of mind and happiness.
Amazingly, this tension between me and drunks goes away when I practice this.

And yet - fear physical pain and the fear of death - you will have to work with them, let them go. This is the thread they are pulling.
Everything is the will of the Armed Forces.

I looked into this and found out that my greatest fear is not pain. And to turn out to be a “second-class person” - someone who will be spit on by everyone who sees my humiliation.
I'm also working on this now.
It's my fault for being abused as a child. They beat me, humiliated me, it means I’m bad, there’s something wrong with me.
Today I “allowed myself” to doubt this. I was a child and couldn’t stand up for myself back then. No way.
Everything was fine with me, I was a creature taking only the first steps in this world, I was just learning and could not know everything at once.
It happened. It is not my fault.

16.07.2012 - 09:22

I already feel like a “second-class person” in life (hence the nickname), this does not manifest itself too clearly, but is still noticeable. I'm struggling with this.
And in the event of a beating, especially in front of other people, you can generally fall “below the plinth” in their eyes.

Something similar happened to me too.
I just don't feel guilty about it at all.
Rather, I blame my mother and grandmother that in the 3rd grade, because of a minor conflict with the teacher, they transferred me to another school in another area, and to a very ordinary school. And the worst nightmare of my life was the 4th and 6th grades there (there was no 5th due to the transition to new program). I just didn’t want to stand up for myself, because I was a stranger there, “not ours,” as they said there. And to everyone I met I had to justify why I was not studying in my area. In 7th grade I was already transferred back to my school, but I was already really used to being an outcast

In general, I was thinking that in the period from 17 to 30 years old I practically had no problem with fear of aggression at all! I calmly walked through not the most prosperous areas, did an internship in the late 90s in a dying mining town - and the incidents can be counted on one hand!
Despite the fact that I did not suffer from any super-vigilance at that time, and did not even have any means of self-defense with me.
I'm trying to find an explanation for this. I think that the whole point is that in those years I did not try to avoid communicating with people, but on the contrary, I strived for communication, but people in most cases avoided my company. And at the age of 30, I consciously made a decision (pushed to this by the harsh refusal of a girl for whom I had big plans) - if you don’t want to communicate, to hell with you, I’m very happy alone. There was a similar approach at school, and similar feelings from the world around me.
Well, everyone’s anger shouldn’t be written off - I watch how aggressively people communicate with each other, and I don’t really want to make new contacts in this world, which is getting angrier and angrier

16.07.2012 - 09:47

Hello, I'm Julia, VDA.
I also have many fears, and of course including the fear of aggression.

I recently read the book “Barriers”, and there is this paragraph:

“Overcoming the fear of failure that the “wicked and lazy” slave was led to requires work, training, study, prayer, resources and grace. He was not punished because he was afraid. We all fear when we try to do something - something new and difficult. He was punished because he did not overcome his fear and therefore did not put in enough effort. If we do not try to overcome our fear, we thereby cut off our path to God's grace. Moreover, by giving in to fear, we We insult His gift and grace with which He was ready to support us in the process of study."

It was a revelation to me that EVERYONE is afraid. It’s just that some people make enough efforts to overcome their fear, while others don’t.
I used to think that there are such successful, “cool” people, they are not afraid. They move forward and achieve everything. But fear interferes with me, so I can’t. But it turned out that they, these people, also experience fear, but overcome it, unlike me.

Not entirely on topic.. But I think that having conquered one fear, others also weaken. Therefore, I will describe my experience:

I have always had a fear of all sorts of exams, certifications, tests, interviews, etc. For example, it was a huge stress for me to pass my license. I was ready to buy a license just to avoid taking the test (my husband insisted that I get my license honestly, because by buying a license but not learning to drive, I’m risking my life and the lives of other people).

So, in the spring I had to prepare for recertification for auditors.
I was terribly nervous, terribly afraid of this exam, afraid that I wouldn’t pass and all the terrible consequences of not passing. In April, I did not go to the exam (exams are held approximately once a month), citing the fact that my daughter was sick and I needed to focus on her and not preparing for the exam.

Just at that time I was reading the book "Barriers". And I began to make efforts to overcome my fear. I prayed, I worked on my fear. Of course, I did everything that depended on me - I read a lot, solved tests and problems, and so on. And she entrusted the rest to God and stopped controlling it. I accepted the situation as it is, accepted that maybe I would pass successfully, but maybe not.

And I went to the exam calm. And I passed, the first time. The minimum passing score was 104 out of 120. I scored 120 points out of 120, the only one in Russia (out of 1.5 thousand auditors).

I couldn't do well if fear got in the way. My own knowledge would be hidden from me by my own fear and uncertainty.

I thank God for letting me go through this test and helping me cope with my fear. Helped me believe in myself and gave me more courage. And I am also grateful to the authors of the book "Barriers", this book helped me a lot :)

16.07.2012 - 10:01

Patsak, I'm experiencing something similar.
I attribute this to the fact that I smoked for those 10 years, it helped me greatly suppress my feelings. (well, that is, they were also invisible to others).
And now I’m working in the Program, learning to feel my feelings. But they didn’t go anywhere, they were just hidden very deeply for 10 years.
When I started working according to the program, even dogs began to bite me. Before that, I was never afraid of dogs.
But it's not bad. The fact that I see my problem is good, now I can start solving it.
I very carefully observe the fear-aggression connection - especially in the example of dogs - a very obvious and clear connection. I cope with fear - the dog leaves, as soon as I twitch, it comes back.
I wrote about this topic yesterday.
I also started at school, then it turned out that it was deeper - an acquaintance gave me the idea - that at the time of school, my “victim” inside me was already well formed. And the starting point was much earlier
Although school years also caused me a lot of pain, I was the object of mobbing, bullying as a home girl, an excellent student and a victim who did not know how to stand up for herself.
Because of this, I started smoking at the age of 17 - I was tired of it and didn’t know how to deal with it.

16.07.2012 - 10:03

One speaker’s speech prompted me to talk about guilt. I haven't even read it in full yet, but I've heard a lot about it. It's from there that baby Always subconsciously feels shame and guilt when subjected to violence. This is the reaction of the psyche.
Here in the “speakers” section it seems to be called Linda’s speaker’s. I read it too

16.07.2012 - 12:43

I don't think they overcome this fear every time.
I think there are two categories of "cool" here.
The first are those who did not have this fear in childhood. That is, fights, conflicts, active games with peers, bruises, abrasions, etc., etc. - all this is in the order of things since childhood. And in this form it flowed into adult life.
The second are those who already had fear, but learned to overcome it, going towards fear, and subsequently got used to overcoming it automatically.

In general, in the fight against fears, I prefer not a strong-willed approach (stupidly moving towards fear), but a rationalistic approach - to understand what I am really afraid of, how this risk can be minimized or come to terms with it.

In the described problem with conflicts, I just have a lack of understanding of how to act in a specific situation. Somewhere you need to fight, somewhere you need to “move down at the market”, in front of someone you need to immediately turn out your pockets, someone you can even say three letters - sometimes it’s impossible for me to distinguish one from the other. Well, I have “common feelings” also no.

16.07.2012 - 14:16

And for me - in the Aggressor. Otherwise, it’s possible to get punched in the face, but I’m not physically strong. Although it didn’t come to that, I remember swearing until I was blue in the face in transport. I felt bad afterwards from strong guilt. I get angry out of fear, sometimes so much so that it’s difficult to control. The stronger the fear, the greater the anger.
While driving on the road, there is a fear of aggression, one’s own and that of others. I pray to be tolerant and considerate. IMHO, only the Armed Forces can reason with me and give me tolerance...
Regarding the general anger: I see it, i.e. it really touches me only when I have a lot of anger inside me that I don’t express.
When the anger left me, I am no longer bothered by, for example, angry reviews on the Internet - well, they are what they are, it doesn’t concern me, like many other things in the world. It seems to me that the world is a mirror, I only care about what is in myself...

Sorry for answering here, although I saw the inscription “for men”. I saw that women had already answered. Delete if the post is not needed.

_____________
It doesn't matter who is right. It matters who is the lion.

16.07.2012 - 15:30

It's okay.

But it touches me because of the prospect of contact with angry people.
Can anyone advise "and you become a rude person." But this is not a solution, because, firstly, it is morally difficult for me to constantly be in a tense relationship, and secondly, they can be upset with “why are you being rude.” Moreover, my voice is rough, and my appearance is impressive.

I am only concerned about such reviews if they concern or could potentially affect me personally.

In my opinion, only a complete scumbag can hit a woman during a conflict, for example, in public transport. Even if she is specifically rude.
I've seen men beat women, but these were groups of alcoholics or drug addicts.

Psychologists say that men are more susceptible to fears than women. They are also more susceptible to the need to hide these fears. To be afraid is not like a man; to be afraid means to be weak. A man in his life faces an urgent need to mask his self-doubt and his weakness. One of the many veils behind which a man hides is aggression. Men by nature are more afraid than women, and, accordingly, react to their fear with greater aggression. However male aggression caused not only by fear, but also by a more responsible social role, which the man carries on himself. Already in natural world the greater aggressiveness of males is associated with his dominant position in relation to the female and his role in preserving the species.

From a biological point of view, aggression has many functions: self-affirmation, obtaining food, protecting one’s territory, social dominance. Dominance in any hierarchical social structure is very important from a biological point of view.

Almost everything we think of as behavior inherited from animals is a response to a specific stimulus. What could be an external stimulus, the response to which is a genetically programmed reaction of aggression? Aggression is a natural, programmed response to threat. Any threat causes fear, and fear causes flight or aggression. Without the very close coupling of readiness to escape and aggression, many actions would end in death. In nature, deadly fights among animals of the same species or closely related species occur very rarely. Male aggression As a reaction to fear and self-defense, it came out of the biological animal basis of man.

Men react more receptively to fear-inducing stimuli; they are more sensitive to them. Reply male aggression must be fast and intense, only then will it be effective in a biological sense. If its manifestation is preceded by a “long run-up”, reliable protection will not be provided. If there is a threat to which an aggressive reaction is genetically programmed, then this threat should be perceived as the most powerful stimulus, since its perception ensures the manifestation of an aggressive reaction in full.

The fact that men have different strategies than women when they feel fear is almost as clear as the fact that their potential for aggression is higher. Their methods of avoiding fear are diametrically different from those used by women. The upbringing that boys still receive today leads to the emergence of sources of fear of women. Clearly, boys are traumatized by having to hide their fears. The phrase that separates the two sexes (“You’re a boy...”) never leaves the children’s room. It is childhood upbringing that is responsible for much of the suffering of future men, because fathers, mothers and other adults decisively determine the worldview of their children and their attitude towards the other sex until the children become adults.

It is a truism that people are brought up exactly the way they become. If the result does not always correspond to desires, then it is often possible to trace how the interaction occurs between the influence of parents and the reaction of children to it. Often, when a dog begs near the table, it is scolded, but with gentle intonations in the voice, and then it still gets its tidbit. Sorry for the comparison, but few people know that this is how children are raised.

A mother and father who are touched by the wildness of their three-year-old child, who throws a flower vase on the floor or throws food around the kitchen, and perhaps does not even take it seriously, will be irritated several years later by the obvious aggressive actions of their child. In education, there are many ways to direct cases of negative manifestations of masculine qualities onto the right path. Both private bad habits and the general role image have equal social consequences. A boy may be overcome by fear for very specific reasons, and as he grows up, he learns to hide this fear. At this time, he develops a feeling of expectation of a woman, and also, possibly, a fear of her. Before school, he creates an image of a young woman, the prototype of which is the girls around him. The image of adult women is based on the mother, neighbors or aunts, and the image of adult men is based on the father, neighbors or male relatives. And finally, the image little man- from myself.

Negative emotions and attacks of aggression occur to everyone from time to time, but if most of us prefer to restrain ourselves, some people cannot restrain themselves and experience uncontrollable seizures aggression. Aggression in men and women today is generally frowned upon. But the number of people who are unable to cope with their emotions is not getting smaller, and their families and close people suffer from attacks of aggression in men - it is on them that most of the negative emotions “spill out”. What to do with irritability and aggression in men and is it possible to cope with this problem on your own?

Aggressive behavior is considered more characteristic of males. This is explained both by the action of hormones and by social factors, as well as by upbringing. Some men continue to consider it a variant of the norm, not realizing that aggressive behavior not only spoils their relationship with others, but also negatively affects their own well-being.

It is customary to distinguish between “positive” or benign aggression - in the form of defensive reactions, courage or sporting achievements - and negative or malignant aggression, characteristic only of humans. Under the influence of such a reaction, a person commits destructive, sharply negative actions that are not approved by society.

There are many types of attacks of aggression in men, the reasons for their occurrence can also be different:

• Diseases internal organs– acute and chronic diseases of internal organs, accompanied by pain and other symptoms, often cause irritability and aggression in men. Especially if such patients are not treated and hide their condition from others.
• Hormonal imbalance - the level of aggressiveness depends on the concentration of testosterone and some other hormones in the blood. Hormonal imbalance can be caused by thyrotoxicosis, diseases of the pancreas, adrenal glands and other glands.
• Neurological diseases and injuries - increased intracranial pressure, injuries and other pathologies nervous system may cause aggressive behavior.
• Personality disorder - unmotivated aggression may indicate serious problems with the psyche, there are many, one of the main signs of which is the patient’s aggressiveness.
• Psychological trauma - too strict upbringing, experiences of violence and aggression in childhood often provoke outbursts of aggression in men in adulthood.
• Stress - negative experiences, irritation, personal failures and other problems cause hidden or obvious irritation, which easily turns into aggression.
• Overfatigue - excessive physical and neuropsychic stress causes exhaustion of the nervous system, loss of control over one’s feelings and behavior.
• Use of alcohol and psychoactive substances - under the influence of these substances, a person’s character and attitude change. If it is impossible to obtain a new dose of a psychoactive substance or during a period of abstinence, a person’s aggressiveness increases several times, and restraining motives (social, moral) cease to have their influence.
• Features of character and upbringing - sometimes aggressiveness can be a character trait or the result of improper upbringing. In such cases, manifestations of aggression can only be dealt with through self-control and learning other ways to resolve conflicts.

Kinds

Male aggression can be different. There are several main types of aggressive behavior.

Active aggression– negative emotions “splash out” in the form of destructive actions, words or behavior. Active aggression, in turn, is divided into physical, verbal, and expressive.

• Physical – when a person uses his strength to cause harm or destruction.
• Verbal or verbal - negative emotions manifested by shouting, swearing, and cursing.
• Expressive – expressed by non-verbal means of communication: facial expressions, gestures, intonation.

Auto aggression– aggressive actions are directed at oneself. In this state, people can cause real harm to themselves and cause physical injury.

Passive or hidden- this type of aggression is typical for family relations. Not wanting to enter into an open conflict, people ignore requests made to them and do not complete the assigned work. Passive aggression in men is considered a socially acceptable form of relationship. But often, people who do not give themselves the opportunity to openly express their experiences “accumulate” negative emotions, which can lead to an explosion.

The most common types of aggression in men are considered to be family, alcohol and drugs. Aggressive man in modern world can rarely find a socially acceptable outlet for his feelings, therefore, his aggression manifests itself in family and personal relationships, as well as when “disinhibition” of emotions after taking alcoholic beverages or drugs.

Family– the most common type of aggression. A husband's aggression can be expressed both in physical actions and in moral violence, constant nagging or passive failure to fulfill the duties of a husband and father. The reasons for family aggression in men can be different: misunderstanding and stressful situations, jealousy, financial or everyday problems, as well as violations sex life or neglect of household responsibilities.

Alcohol and drug aggression– the toxic effect of alcoholic beverages and drugs on the brain causes the death of nerve cells and reduces a person’s ability to adequately perceive the situation. Disinhibition of instincts leads to the fact that a person stops following generally accepted norms of behavior and returns to the “primitive” state.

Treatment

Aggressive men rarely seek help themselves; usually, the wives of aggressors ask how to deal with their husband’s aggression.

There are a lot of ways to deal with aggression, but the most important thing is a person’s understanding and desire to cope with his character. Help home tyrant, happily intimidating his family, is impossible. Such a person does not see a problem in his behavior and does not want to change anything.

When communicating with such people or when interacting with aggressive people whom you do not intend to help, you should follow the following rules:

• No Contact – Avoid any conversation, communication or any interaction with such people.
• Do not answer questions and do not give in to provocations - this is the most important thing when dealing with family aggressors. No matter how difficult it may be, you need not to succumb to various methods of provocation and remain calm.
• Asking for help is important not to be shy and not to become dependent on the aggressor. Seeking help helps avoid further aggression.

You can cope with attacks of aggression on your own using the following techniques:

• Control over your behavior - you need to know what situations or factors can cause aggression and avoid such situations or find other ways to solve the problem.
• The ability to relax - the ability to switch and reset nervous tension helps reduce aggression.
• Breathing exercises or physical exercise – good way To cope with aggression is to do some exercises or “breathe” through emotions.
• Sedatives - herbal preparations help cope with irritability, improve sleep and reduce aggression.

Regular attacks of aggression are a reason to consult a neurologist, endocrinologist and therapist. Only after excluding endocrine and neurological diseases can treatment of aggression begin. It is equally important to establish a daily routine, reduce physical and mental stress and devote time to sports and walks in the fresh air every day.