We meet thousands of people every day. And since all people have different values, attitudes, and even their own lives, a conflict of interests cannot be avoided. And when there is a conflict of interest, we get offended.
They were offended by mom for asking for help at the wrong time, not buying it, and reproaching her. They were offended by their husband for not calling, for promising but not doing it, for yelling or not helping. They were offended by a colleague for not helping, not calling, not warning. Sometimes we even get offended by strangers: they stepped on our feet, served us rudely, gave us change in small change, sold us stale goods, etc.
There may be a lot of examples, but what remains unchanged is that
THERE ARE RESULTS, AND EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN RESULTS.
Lately it has become fashionable to write about grievances and ease of communication. Why do you think?
Resentment does not allow us to live freely, develop, and especially coexist together. And since modern society strives to become more harmonious and freer, work with grievances is carried out on all fronts.
Look at your life, at the people around you. Is there room for grievances in your life? If there are, then start working on them right now.
Resentment is like a wall. The wall that we gradually build in relationships with other people, and when we have built it with our own hands, it becomes too late to change anything in these relationships.
Story
One day a woman came to me who could not understand what to do in her relationship with her husband. She was very worried about his work, because he was often late, did not help around the house and with the children, did not communicate well with his mother, etc.
When we began to analyze her situation, we found out that what she called experiences were grievances. Moreover, such grievances are real, strong, which can hurt another person and destroy him.
She herself didn’t understand this; it was common for her to worry like this. Silently, with hidden reproach and with a piercing gaze. Oh, it's hard! Now imagine how hard it is for a person who lives next to such an offended person.
An offended person does not make contact, remains silent for a long time, sometimes for several days/weeks. And you want to help, but you can’t.
The most important thing here is for BOTH parties to understand that RESULT IS MANIPULATION! No matter how long it lasts, a minute, an hour, a day.
Offended, the person says that you are not like that, I want you to become different, to change. But this does not lead to the desired result, because the result that resentment gives you is coercion. By forcing a person to become different, you only cause negativity, anger, and reciprocal rejection.
Of course, it’s hard to live without offense at all. But you must use grievances for the benefit of yourself and those around you and NEVER let resentment deep into your heart. Your heart deserves the best! Resentments destroy him!
Below I have compiled a short interview for you. Answers to questions that will help you cope with resentment and begin to live an easier, calmer, more dignified and more joyful life.
These are the questions:
What are we offended by?
Why are we offended?
How does resentment affect us and our lives?
How to work on resentment?
What are we offended by?
We are offended by people around us for refusing a request, unfulfilled work/promise, work not done on time, disobedience, etc.
To put it more simply:
We Get Offended by People Because They Don't Meet Our Ideas!
Why are we offended?
We initially attribute his behavior to qualities that are not his, and when they do not correspond to our ideals, we are offended. We try to make him behave as he should (as WE need), we crush the person with our authority, we put pressure on pity, we break the inner core of the interlocutor.
Resentment arises when HE does not correspond to our ideas and frameworks!
How does resentment affect us and our lives?
If we break the word “offended” into two parts, we get the phrase - We offend Xia (ourselves). It's true, we offend ourselves.
Resentment is a black space inside us that eats us and shows us our imperfections. We consider ourselves rejected, abandoned, often not needed by anyone, thereby offending, destroying and destroying ourselves.
How to work on resentment?
To cope with resentment, you need to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand them. Why did he do this? Accept his position and explain it to yourself. It happens, of course, when people specifically say nasty things in order to offend or annoy a person, but here it is also important to understand and accept the offender.
And so that grievances do not accumulate, they need to be dealt with immediately. There are several options for resolving grievances:
1. When talking to a person, clarify the situation.
2. Writing down all your dissatisfaction on a piece of paper.
3. Answering open questions to yourself. Here is a list of open questions: “Why am I offended?”, “What am I offended by?”, “What needs to be done to resolve the conflict and let go of the offense?”
4. You can write a letter to the offender and not even send it, but simply write everything down on paper. Paper can handle anything!
The most important thing is to remember that the other person is as fragile and tender as yours. Find kind, constructive words that will help you clarify the situation without offending anyone!
Learn to live with a heart filled with love! With a heart that can not only forgive, but also inspire!
Just remembering a situation that happened to a man, which now lies like a heavy burden of resentment on the soul, makes you feel bad. And the harder you try to forget, the more emotions overwhelm you. Feeling resentful towards a man does not allow you to live normally. He has been an ex for a long time, the relationship ended a long time ago... But the resentment towards the man remains with you.
Why do thoughts about the past gnaw so caustically, holding tightly with their tentacles? They are strangling. A lump in the throat, which appears periodically, treacherously takes away the air, and with it the strength.
Today, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan accurately answers the question about the nature of grievances in any of their manifestations.
Why there is resentment against a man is understandable. But you can figure out how to get rid of it in this article. We will not describe the stages of the formation of resentment, this will not give anything. It arises both suddenly and accumulating inside us.
Psychology of resentment towards a man
Resentment is just that: resentment. More precisely, a feeling of resentment and injustice towards you. Anything can happen: betrayed, left a pregnant woman, stole a large amount of money, beat, verbally humiliated. If there is a grudge, there is already a reason to sort it out.
The notorious “forgive and let go” flows like a river from the lips of psychologists, from articles about resentment, from girlfriends, mothers, and friends. They suggest “learning to forgive.” If it were so easy to forgive and let go, no one would have problems associated with resentment. Nobody would be offended by anyone. Everyone would live happily. Alas.
Sometimes they scare us with inevitable psychosomatics and ineffective treatment with pills. Of course, there is a connection with health, but I still want to prevent problems in the future and understand how to cope.
There are tips to make fun of a man, to present your ex-man in an indecent manner. "Apply" a sense of humor to him. Every offended person has most likely tried this. Positive results are doubtful.
How to get rid of feelings of resentment towards a man
The answer is simple and easy to understand. See for yourself.
There are eight vectors, eight mental properties of a person. Each has its own characteristics. Firstly, by understanding and recognizing these characteristic properties in people, we treat the “offenders” themselves differently. Because we begin to understand that a person, be it a man or a woman, in a given situation behaved in accordance with his inherent properties. I couldn’t do otherwise. The irritation goes away. Touchiness ceases to influence our lives and its manifestations are greatly reduced.
Secondly, if we have an anal vector, it means we have a strong memory and are specially focused on the past. We do not like lies and injustice; we are honest by nature.
Feelings of resentment and guilt are unique to us. Any distortion in the area of “truth-deception” is a knife in our hearts. And until justice comes, we will continue to walk around with resentment and wish harm to the offender. Revenge is the simplest form of leveling out the situation; it is born unconsciously in response to a dishonest act.
And that is not all.
There is a visual vector. The sensitive area is the eyes. They are able to distinguish many shades of color, see and feel more subtly, sensitively and comprehensively. “Any mole will be made into an elephant” - this is what they say about people with a visual vector. The offense is small, but it is seen as the tragedy of a lifetime. Otherwise they cannot see.
What to do? How to deal with the monster that interferes with life.
It’s easy to imagine what a person with anal and visual vectors looks like. Resentments multiplied a hundredfold due to the ability to see problems larger in scale than they actually are.
Moreover, you once had a close, trusting relationship with a man, there was even love. The emotional attachment that remains in your memory, mixed with resentment, does not let you go.
When forced to interact with your ex, it is important to avoid attempts to manipulate feelings of guilt and resentment on your part. And don’t let a man do this to you. It won't lead to anything good.
Feeling only constant annoyance and, perhaps, anger at all men, we are unconsciously afraid of history repeating itself and find all sorts of tricks to avoid the emergence of new relationships. Not on purpose. Simply - fearing a repetition of the pain. And so the resentment presses, and then there is also the fear of repetition of suffering and regret.
Resentment towards a man will not allow you to calmly create a new harmonious relationship. You may not even notice how constant resentment towards the man you broke up with will extend to relationships with the opposite sex.
How to overcome resentment? The psychology is this: start correctly using the properties given by nature in life. Correct - that means for the intended purpose. This will give liberation from a negative state, because there will be no need to keep the past in your head.
We often hear that you need to start with yourself. That's right. Only specific and effective recommendations Few people give. There is only one step left to knowing yourself. Get acquainted with the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. It will give you a full understanding of yourself and others.
Many women have tried life without offense and now feel great. We understand our people former men, and the resentment dissolved. Here's what they say:
“...At the time of the first free lecture, I was “nursing” with a severe resentment towards a man, from time to time it simply overwhelmed me, and the state was terrible, but after the first lecture the resentment went away, the “incomprehensible” actions and words of the man became clear, what motivates him, and even after Yuri’s story, on the very first day I realized that my resentment, as they say, “isn’t worth a damn” in the eyes of that man, because of whom I was... so upset, worried so much... What? So funny! In general, I laughed at myself for a long time, almost the entire first lecture - until the morning!
Next came the second one. Which sealed my achievement. This is such a relief!..”
“...Unfortunate love and terrible emotional dependence on one person brought me to the training in Systemic Vector Psychology. And also depression and a feeling of hopelessness, resentment towards parents and one’s unfortunate lot….
...I got rid of mine love addiction, I realized that that man was not urethral, as I first identified him from the articles, but skin-visual-sound. And that love is fear brought out, and it ends when there is no visual connection with the object of love. And indeed, everything passed. Moreover, I no longer suffered from the fear that I had missed my true destiny, my chance in life. In fact, there are a lot of such chances walking around the planet, it’s enough to choose the right one)))) ... "
“The offender sins not as much as the one who allows the offense” - VasilyI Macedonian
The famous grandfather Freud noticed that everything comes from childhood. Our dreams, fears, complexes and doubts are formed under the influence of external and internal factors in the first years of life. I am of the same opinion and agree with him.
Let's start with the fact that the feeling of resentment is not innate, but acquired. Babies have a feeling of anger in their arsenal, and they have to learn the feeling of resentment from about 2 to 5 years. It is most often formed stereotyped or adopted from other children and adults. For example: “If you don’t do this, I will be offended.” Agree, we adults often use this kind of manipulation.
Let's figure it out: where do grievances come from? Why do we experience this feeling? How to deal with it, and is it necessary?
Where do grievances come from?
The feeling of resentment arises due to the discrepancy between expectations about the behavior of the offender and how he actually behaved. That is, resentment is a consequence of three mental operations:
- building expectations,
- behavior observation,
- comparison of expectation and reality.
In other words, we expect a person to understand us, feel us, and do what we think about, but do not say out loud. And if we say it, we always expect that the person will not refuse, will do it to please us, sacrificing personal capabilities and desires.
In relationships, we expect expressions of love, care, tenderness, etc., but sometimes we do not consider it necessary to say what we want. How exactly do we feel when we are loved, how do we understand that we are cared for. We hold within ourselves ideas about ideal relationship from their experience, from their picture of the world, forgetting that a loved one grew up in other conditions in which everything was different.
Resentment is the pain we inflict on ourselves
Disappointment from unjustified expectations forces you to look for a reason heartache that arises in a given situation. So we find this reason outside. It is difficult for us to understand that we inflict this pain on ourselves, expecting that someone else will live our lives and our interests, without taking into account our own.
But if you think about it, this is fundamentally wrong!
Only those who do not value themselves will devote their lives to others, and such a person will not give you anything. He himself needs to work on his self-esteem. And it turns out that we expect from a person what he, in principle, cannot give, and we count on what we have no right to. After all, in fact, no one OWES us anything!
A loving person, voluntarily and based on his personal desires, chose you to be happy next to you, because it pleases him. And if in order to be close to you, he needs to “buy” this place, then sooner or later similar relationships will begin to destroy it and stop bringing joy. There will be a feeling of lack of freedom.
And what's good about that?
Most often we are offended by loved ones
Any relationship is a choice of everyone in favor of this relationship. Choice implies freedom in expressing feelings. We cannot feel anything other than GRATITUDE. After all, everything we receive in a relationship should be regarded as a gift. Such relationships have a bright future.
Most often, we are offended by those close to us, because it is not so easy for a stranger to offend us. We do not expect anything from a stranger, which means we are not disappointed in him. There are, of course, people who tend to be offended by everyone: people, God, the Universe, and life in general. Such people believe that they are owed everything. And they are sincerely indignant about why they are not treated the way they imagine.
But that's another story...
Resentment arises from internal trauma
Any resentment arises from deep internal trauma. At the heart of resentment is a hidden inferiority complex: constant doubt about oneself and one’s abilities, the inability to take responsibility for one’s life and everything that happens in it, and a reluctance to achieve goals on one’s own.
We are waiting for someone to come who will do everything for us and live our lives for us too. And if this does not happen, we become disappointed and suffer.
Of course, if we wish, we can delegate responsibility for our lives to other people, giving them the power to influence our mood and well-being. Let them decide whether to make us happy or unhappy. Just remember that in this way we deprive ourselves of freedom of choice and the opportunity to live our lives in joy and endless happiness!
Do you need to deal with feelings of resentment?
Perhaps I'm talking too loudly about the fact that feelings of resentment make it impossible to live happy life. But, unfortunately, this is so. Because of deep internal grievances, people get sick, suffer, die...
You have a choice: to be offended or right from this second, once and for all, to learn to control this feeling that corrodes and destroys like poison. The most important step towards getting rid of grievances is taking responsibility for your life!
When you do this, you will be able to manage your emotions and this feeling. The understanding will come that it is impossible to offend you. To help on this path, I want to offer several simple but very effective practices, by doing which you will learn to cope with feelings of resentment.
If you feel that you have been offended, there is no need to keep the negativity to yourself. But there’s no need to run to a person and pour it all out on him either. Try to imagine the offender. Perhaps you have a photo of him, if not, you can take some object, a pillow, for example, and talk it out.
Tell us what exactly offends you, what you didn’t like, what you expected. This practice will clarify a lot for you too. You will learn to express your feelings and desires before resentment arises.
If you are nevertheless offended by word or deed, take some soft object, toy or pillow, imagine the offender in this object and properly reflect your pain and anger through beating.
By the way, tears help too. If at this moment you feel like crying, don’t hold yourself back.
If you can’t speak out, write a letter to the offender. Tell it everything you think about the current situation. The letter must then be burned.
Learn to express emotions constructively. How? Try talking to your abuser not from the point of view of an accuser, but from the point of view of someone describing their feelings. Instead of: “You offended me, insulted me!” say: “I am offended, and your behavior and words offended me, I am upset.” If a person is accused of something, then he has a desire to resist. Talking through your feelings helps relieve or reduce tension between people.
Try to understand the person: why he did this. Perhaps he does this unconsciously.
If something offends you, thank the person for it. They showed you yours weak sides. Understand yourself and why it bothered you.
Forgive yourself for being offended. Yes, yes, on the one hand it’s so simple, but on the other hand it’s important.
If you have been offended to the point of tears, or a serious quarrel has occurred, there is a very effective method for the moment “here and now”. Start breathing deeply, remember your offender and say out loud with the intonation of a king or queen: “I forgive you! I forgive you! I forgive you!".
After you say this for the third time, the offense will disappear as if by hand, and you will smile or even laugh.
The main thing is to understand that by being offended, you only harm yourself. Therefore, think only about the good, free yourself from grievances. I really like Omar Khayyam’s quatrain, which I want to remember:
Life is ashamed of those who sit and mourn,
He who does not remember pleasures does not forgive insults.
Sing until your chang's strings break!
Drink until the vessel is broken on a stone!
Resentment can strike at the most inopportune moment, because this condition is difficult to predict. Knowing how to cope with resentment will help prevent the serious consequences of this condition: psychosomatic illnesses, destruction of social contacts, family breakdown in the event of resentment within a relationship. Pride, which becomes a springboard for resentment, is not for nothing considered a serious sin. After all, it is precisely this that leads to high sensitivity.
If a person cannot forgive the offender, his soul is destroyed, balance and calmness leave the body, his whole life comes down to scrolling negative thoughts or the desire to take revenge on the offender. If an unpleasant state constantly washes away the soul, then a person develops dissatisfaction with life, his personality changes for the worse. But there are quite a lot of methods on how to survive an insult. They are effective for restoring mutual understanding between a man and a woman, and for solving all problems between colleagues or friends.
Are all people equally touchy?
Statistics from psychological surveys show that all people are offended in one way or another. But some of them are able to carry resentment and anger for decades, while others forget even the most severe betrayals within a month. This happens due to special vulnerabilities in the psyche and consciousness. So called " pain points“Arise from complexes, childhood experiences, some unpleasant experience. For example, calling a girl who spent 5 years losing weight from 120 kg to 60 fat (even as a joke) can seriously offend her. After all, she had a difficult struggle with weight in the past.
How to get rid of resentment
A person who is offended by everything and everyone must evaluate the situation: do they really want to offend him? Often people are not even aware that they are causing pain. And the second question to ask yourself is: am I really offended? It happens that such a condition is instilled in childhood, and then works throughout life: at the age of up to 5 years, after an insult, the mother felt sorry for the baby, gave sweets, and encouraged him in every possible way. This is how he is used to behaving. Yoga or meditation can help such a touchy person. The same method is suitable for those who are looking for a way to survive an insult that has noticeably shaken your condition.
Basic Steps
And the first place to start is to acknowledge that you are feeling pain. And then you need to get rid of unpleasant memories. Stop obsessing over them and feeling sorry for yourself the moment you realize how badly you were treated. You should pay attention to the following psychological techniques:
- As soon as you feel a surge of negative emotions, you should understand that apart from pain and harm, this will not give anything to your body.
- If the offender does not suspect that he has inflicted a mental wound on you, you need to talk to him frankly. If this is a friend or comrade, talk in a comfortable place and dot the i's.
- Remember that we often tend to be offended by the truth. If you feel these emotions, evaluate the situation, what sore spot was touched, and what can be done to protect it. Or improve yourself. If there really is a fact that made you offended, thank the person for saying it straight to his face - such an act is worthy of respect.
- If you are offended by a person who has been exhibiting behavior for a long time, try to understand him. Often this behavior is typical of people experiencing enormous problems in life. Maybe he needs sympathy or even help. You definitely shouldn’t be offended by this.
- If you are offended by a stranger, especially someone you will never see again, try to let go and forget about the offense.
- If you are offended by someone who did not live up to expectations, understand that you need to talk to the person. He can't read minds, and if you're waiting for something, just tell him about it.
- If coping with grievances through self-reflection is difficult, use a pillow or other object that can be hit. And beat him heartily, call him names, scream, break him. Output of aggression - great way getting rid of negativity. It will prevent the accumulation of unpleasant energy within the soul.
In some cases, an offended person cannot by any means get rid of the oppressive state. Then you can contact NLP techniques, ideally this should be a specialist, not a home practice.
Recording Negative Emotions
Another way to deal with resentment is to write it out. On a simple piece of paper, the offended person writes all the reasons for his negative emotions until the moment there is verbal emptiness. When the piece of paper contains everything for which you cannot forgive the person, tear the paper. Or burn it. You can use a more sophisticated method - burn it and drown it in the toilet.
Usually a person is so deeply offended by someone with whom he is (was) in a close relationship. And there are two people to blame here. Then you need to write another message with the words “Forgive me for...” and “I am to blame for...”. And a letter of gratitude will complete the processing of the negative state. After all, in all respects there is positive sides. You can understand whether the method worked or not: if, when remembering the situation, quiet sadness and gratitude arise, then the resentment has passed.
Family grievances
Things are different when lovers or husband and wife quarrel. Often couples do not know how to talk openly with each other, which is where various grievances arise. A good scandal at home with a statement about cleanliness once a month is a good prevention of negativity. But if they occur every day, then something needs to be done:
- You cannot remember grievances that have already been dealt with.
- You should not involve other relatives in the scandal, do not mention them.
- You should not talk about divorce during an argument.
- There is no need to talk about other men or women, compare with “former” ones.
- Don't make empty promises. It is important to show that words have value, and if you said “I’ll go to my mother,” then do it, even for a day.
- You should not spoil material assets. The ardor will subside, and repairing or buying new equipment or jewelry will cost a pretty penny and provoke new grievances.
- A great way to combat negativity is to sleep together. No matter how hard you have a fight with your loved one.
Video: Lecture by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “How to get rid of feelings of resentment?”
It can be difficult to get rid of resentment; you should not count on time to wash everything away. To do this, you need to connect certain forces and work on yourself. The simplest methods - recording, working through sensations - will help with minor shocks. In severe cases, when resentment develops into obsession, it is necessary to consult a specialist.