The ringleader and the provocateur. This is exactly the one scary man, who takes half the office to the bar on Fridays, and then the frightened wives and husbands of his colleagues catch the latter in parks, other people's apartments or the next bars. What about Aries? But nothing - his job was to start and quit, and if they got so wound up, that’s their problem)
“Where have you taken us, Hero Susanin? “Leave me alone guys, this is my first time here...” - a situation typical for Aries, especially during travel, vacations and vacations. Moreover, Aries often leaves it to others to get out of the situation, claiming to be sick/tired/suddenly dull, etc.
Aries, by the way, are one of those who consider the argument “I was drunk” to be quite weighty and understandable for the majority “ normal people”, and what’s interesting is that he is often excused for this, although then they think for a long time - what happened?
It's simple - childlike spontaneity. For this, you will forgive Aries everything - and the fact that he brought you to the wrong place or at the wrong time, disappeared, got drunk, brought you strangers or even forgot you at the station at the beginning of the journey)
But then, having extricated yourself from all these stories, you will remember the antics of Aries with pleasure, especially when twenty years have passed and you will be sitting by a warm stove in complete safety. After all, you will always have something to remember if you have ever vacationed in the company of an Aries. And it doesn’t matter whether he was there or not)
Taurus
Well, for starters, you can’t just rest. Before that, you must definitely work your ass off, present your labor achievements in a detailed form to yourself, colleagues, relatives, the Lord God and in general everyone who comes across), so that the whole world knows - Taurus has earned his rest and has the right to it!
But here the question of preparing for the holiday arises. And even if it’s just a day off, you need to think through the menu, select the appropriate music/cinema/book, finally change the curtains (and at the same time wash the windows, change the linens, wash everything), lift everyone’s spirits (yourself too), then... If you have time and energy left)
With his ceremony, Taurus can drive everyone who is ready to relax with him into a white heat. “It’s better not to put shoes there, there is a special spoon for this dish, be sure to pass the fruit dish to your neighbor, oh, you crumpled the tablecloth, I’ll fix it now,” etc. In general, if you live with a Taurus, sometimes it’s easier to lock yourself in the bathroom to relax. Then you can behave indecently for your own pleasure)
Taurus begins to plan vacations and celebrations ahead of time. After all, you need to take everything into account: think through the menu... (in general, you already understand, I think). But if it comes to vacation at all, then I assure you, it will be the best and highest quality vacation in the entire Zodiac! But sometimes it happens like in that joke about two Estonians: “— Good holiday New Year, Yes?" - “Yes, but sexual intercourse is better” - “Yes, but New Year’s Eve more often”)
Twins
In general, if you want to go or travel somewhere, then it is better not to enter into an argument with them, but to gently drag them by the hand in the direction you need. All the same, it will not be ideal, but Libra will not want to admit that their life is not ideal, and therefore they will try to pass off the real as ideal and honestly be happy about it)
Scorpion
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According to the eastern horoscope, 2018 will be held under the auspices of yellow dog. A comic horoscope for 2018 will tell you what different zodiac signs can expect from an animal.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Aries
It's time for all Aries to put work on the backburner and say to themselves: “Hello, rest!” These guys worked really hard in the Year of the Rooster, it’s time to take a break and devote themselves to other areas of activity. Get yourself in order, powder your nose, take your significant other on your arm - and go ahead and look for adventures. Good, as predicted comic horoscope for 2018, the yellow Dog is ready to forgive you everything.
Attention! Don’t forget about your loved ones, they also need your attention - you can’t spend all your time in a stuffy office and with boring colleagues.
Definitely, next year Aries is the center of the Universe, the world revolves around you. But be careful with fans: there is a risk that someone will want to steal your heart seriously and for a long time. Don’t try to dive headlong into feelings. A dog will not help a drowning person, so remain vigilant.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Taurus
Taurus, are you ready to lose your head? As the comic horoscope 2018 predicts according to the zodiac signs, the Year of the Dog is preparing something mind-blowing for you; quickly hide your horns, otherwise you may scare the animal. It's time to leave your slowness for later and get used to the frantic rhythm, so that you don't have to wait long for the desired results of your scams.
Millions of praise and flattering words will be addressed to the representatives of the sign, no criticism, only charm. What can we say about luck, it will hold Taurus’s arm throughout the next year and accompany them at all important events.
About eternal mutual love dreamed? And here! The dog has already managed to prepare for Taurus a meeting with their other half. Looking forward to sweet taste future 2018? It's about time!
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Gemini
The comic horoscope for 2018 according to the signs states that it is time to gather all the will and strength into a fist and start changing your life. Hey, Gemini, stop lying on the couch and waiting for something to change, get up quickly and get rid of all the unnecessary junk and bad thoughts. The dog has prepared a lot for the representatives of the sign good opportunities for self-realization. Stay positive, change is just around the corner.
If you think about something for a long time, you can end up in the soup, as happened in the story with the rooster. Don't waste time, more action - less talk. And the Dog, for his good efforts, will help Gemini experience the taste of true bliss. And if love is long-term, no more five-minute crushes on public transport, under the auspices of the Dog only in the registry office.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for suspicious Cancers
Cancers were too mysterious and depressive, and the Dog came to change everything. Successes and new opportunities will fall into your claws themselves; all you have to do is grab them tightly and not let go. After all, the Yellow Dog doesn’t give everything for nothing, so it’s time for representatives of the sign to break stereotypes and change life principles, after all, the 21st century is just around the corner.
According to the comic horoscope for 2018, the Dog has prepared a sweet surprise for persistent and obedient Cancers in relationships. Tired of loneliness? Be ready to meet that very person who will gracefully enter your life and share your interests. Don't claw, otherwise you'll scare everyone around you.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for Leo
No matter what Leos do, things don’t work out? And all because, according to the comic horoscope, in 2018 you should put aside your excessive pride, and then the Yellow Dog will reward the representatives of the sign with worthy fruits. Popularity, excessive attention and many fans will fall on the Lions’ shoulders like snow on their heads. However, this is not new for Leos, because they are used to basking in the rays of glory.
With their chic and lush mane, Lions will conquer more than one lonely heart; the prey itself will fall into the clutches of the king of beasts. You just need to reconsider your relationships with your loved ones; they are unlikely to like your wild ardor and pride, and the Yellow Dog also does not like selfish people.
Comic horoscope for Virgo
In 2018, the comic horoscope recommends that Virgos discard their mask of an unfortunate victim, otherwise the Dog may simply pass you by. From January itself, take matters into your own hands and begin to work fruitfully both on yourself and on your well-being, because this month will decide the outcome of the entire next year. The Dog will reward diligent Virgos with all the blessings and boundless happiness.
But in love it is worth observing complete peace: there will be no end to the fans, the main thing is to choose a worthy candidate for a future together.
Comic horoscope for Libra
In 2018, it’s time for representatives of the sign to forget about their own impulsiveness, but watch their speech. Inadvertently spoken words addressed to your superiors, work colleagues or loved ones can have a bad impact on your reputation, and the Dog will not be able to pull you out of the fog of reproaches.
The dog advises you to listen to what Libra is saying. Good words don’t always sound sincere, be careful. Communicate only with those who pull you forward, and not to the deep dark bottom. And stop weighing everything so carefully, otherwise you will be left with nothing, while your neighbor is already purchasing a new car.
Comic horoscope for Scorpios
The comic horoscope for 2018 for all signs promises Scorpios incredible wealth, love and good luck, if representatives of the sign stop stinging everyone. Energy will flow like a river, inspiring Scorpios to do new things and crazy things. These guys will get what they want career growth at any cost, even if you have to stick out your sting.
Carefully! Don't joke with Scorpios!
It’s time for representatives of the sign to melt their selfish hearts and show sensitivity, because without this, the Dog will not be able to help maintain harmony in their personal lives. Forget about narcissism, otherwise the patroness of the year may accidentally forget about you.
Comic horoscope for Sagittarius
What reward can Sagittarius expect in 2018? Of course, “Adviser of the Year”, because the wisdom of these guys is simply off the charts. They are ready to help anyone, for this the Dog certainly will not remain indifferent to the representatives of the sign. However, while helping others, you should not forget about yourself. Other people's problems are someone else's, but it's time to worry about your own too.
Success in the financial sector is inevitable, you can safely change jobs and throw banknotes left and right - but be careful. Parties, unbridled fun and a lot of entertainment await Sagittarius, but don’t forget about sleep: with bags under your eyes, you may not notice the love of your life walking somewhere nearby.
Comic horoscope for Capricorns
In 2018, point your horns towards your goals: great success is close and any obstacles can be jumped over.
Forget about melancholy and boredom, the Dog has something to please the representatives of the sign - this is success both in finances and in personal life.
Cupid is already aiming straight at your heart and will shoot at it in 2018. Capricorns will drown in an ocean of love and attention, what else is needed for happiness? These guys know how to love and deserve love forever. Even if not, don’t be upset, any relationship is also an experience.
Comic horoscope for Aquarius
Who knows, these guys know how to spill water. And in 2018 they will be ready to pour out a stream of their endless ideas and creative impulses to the broad masses, and all thanks to the Dog with her inspiration for the representatives of the sign. It is better to take action and direct the stream of water in the right direction, then the result will be appropriate.
The eastern patroness also prepares surprises for Aquarius in their personal lives. A waterfall of love and passion will cover the representatives water element with your head, just remember to breathe so as not to lose your mind. And stop being so jealous, it's time to learn to trust your soulmate.
Comic horoscope for Pisces
2018 is the most favorable year for Pisces to finally leave their usual aquarium and move to other water spaces. After all, as long as you can sit in one place, swim around and around, boldly swim forward and swim faster to your goals, and the Yellow Dog only accompanies these actions.
All the sea treasures will be yours as soon as you decide to go out into the world and conquer others. But for single Pisces, the coming year 2018 is simply ideal for dizzying novels, perhaps long-term ones. Be prepared, Cupid won't miss.
Comic horoscope for 2018 for schoolchildren and children
The comic horoscope for children for 2018 has prepared something very special - homework, of course, not the same as school, but also important. All representatives of the children of the zodiac signs should be more active both in school life, and extracurricular. Then good grades will flow like a river, and there will be sweets not only on holidays.
Get creative and improve school processes, automatic cheat sheet scattering or a new cheating technique will also work. But at the same time, study, study, study - and praise will fall on your young shoulders, and then, look, gold medals are close. Be careful, otherwise you will have to wash the floor and wipe the dust in the classroom all year.
Comic horoscope in verse for 2018
Let's start with Aries for a comic horoscope in verse for 2018
These guys don't care
When do Taurus people know how to relax?
And only the best is selected.
And with Gemini you will never get bored,
They are always the soul of the company.
Cancers will spend a year without adversity,
They will devote time to love all the time.
And Leos with their beautiful words
Ready to conquer anyone.
Happiness will knock on the Virgos' house,
The dog will come rushing with good news.
Many wonderful hours await
In the year of the Dog of wise Libra.
It is better for Scorpios to hide their sting,
So as not to annoy Fortune.
And it’s time for Sagittarius to forget
About despondency and everyday life.
Note to Capricorns:
Don't swear incessantly.
Aquarians act more boldly
Grab your lucky chance faster.
But Pisces will have to
Live a year without sorrows and grievances.
IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I STANDED UPON THIS FUNNY HOROSCOPE.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF... BUT SO MUCH THINGS COINCIDE...?!
TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE THIS SHOULD BE AMAZING TO YOU?
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as an engaging, energetic personality, endowed with the charisma of a born leader and revolutionary. He rapidly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.
The truth is that he is an overbearing, self-centered bastard, only interested in himself and with an inflated ego.
In Aries, Mars gives a person courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as hot temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. A typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in his way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are unlucky and fall under his feet, you will fully experience for yourself what an irritated Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even throw his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, out of the blue, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all he is afraid of being considered ignoble!
He is hurt by the condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take painful revenge. Although by nature he is not so vindictive. 
Aries does not reason in detail, he simply reacts to stimuli, he first acts and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think...
Without an iota of humility, he never admits his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.
You start arguing with him and a barrage of screams and insults will fall on you; if you prove that you are right, he will be offended like a child and go away to sulk in a corner. It is typical for Aries complete absence taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do this, they are more attracted to moving objects... They especially adore cars.
What is characteristic is that they are selfless in love...
CALF. (April 20-May 20) 
Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eater, thrifty homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of ruling the World.
But in real life you will have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with weight problems.
When you hear the word Taurus or bull, people’s imaginations conjure up an image of a large animal peacefully chewing grass, blinking its large shiny eyes with satisfaction. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves in his field, you will get such a storm!
Whichever Taurus you interact with, be it a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His rage is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will instantly regret that bullfighting was abolished in your country!
His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw protrudes forward at least a little, they subconsciously bow their heads and look at you from under their brows, just like a bull before an attack...
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, which gives it insatiability.
Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always small, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not to the fullest... They are emotional, but not intellectual, and from childhood they take advantage of hard work and diligence. They don’t know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they learn something, it’s for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or give up halfway... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist... They love to sit at all kinds of meetings, sessions, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper… 
They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, so neither logic nor reasonable arguments work on them. If you start arguing with him, you will feel like you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. His great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature and are prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to weight and therefore sometimes allow themselves harsh behavior, but they just want to eat.
Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, like to be late... Usually very good parents, but they like to spoil their children.
Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Geminis are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a lot of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.
In fact, being close to Gemini is like getting a job in a madhouse; surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.
They are not smart, but cunning, cunning and resourceful, rather talkers than philosophers. They think fast and strange the main objective in their life it is to become famous and in turn meet all the celebrities around them.
Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where famous audiences gather and talk about high things... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, the fast god who has wings on his sandals! He transports them from one place to another with lightning speed, and the element air is impermanence itself.
It is impossible to convince a Gemini; they are very stubborn, but they pass off their stubbornness as breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but seem to glide along the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, but they know for sure that they are right! 
In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, they are attracted to new people by their freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly enchanted, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but can be consoled in a quarter of an hour by seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have an excellent sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and begin to copy her, because they have two faces, they are constantly in change...
Envy, passion for gossip and intrigue, constant changes in mood and point of view... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they can especially cause a lot of suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios... But people fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more worthy than them... it’s just that these victims fell into the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them such satisfaction as, for example, good music, declaration of love, poetry, walk in the forest.
CANCER. (June 21-July 22) 
Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of domestic, private life. Compliant astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, is caring, and is completely devoted to family and friends.
The truth is that Cancers are slippery creatures, prone to manipulating people and, in turn, demanding absolute devotion from loved ones.
All water signs sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is simply a champion in emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily; the mood of Cancer is the ebb and flow of the tides, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can easily be rude, insult, and is very often ready to cheat, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.
Cancer is capable of joking, laughing and getting angry, or being offended and crying at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine...
He has several points of view on the same question and all of them, by the way, are correct; he is not at all stubborn, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way. 
Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even shudder, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.
Cancers don't reason, they get offended...
Weepy.
Forcing Cancer to look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he has lost, do not extend your hand to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves old things, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a bit of a seer in the eyes of other people, wonderful parents, but dubious partners... Especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and those around them often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely noticeable 
s in society, usually these are quiet mothers of families or mediocre officials, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer gets a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole to illegally increase his salary. They love to work where there is a smell of money.
Leo is the fifth sign of the Zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Leos are proud, confident, fun-loving people, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely, these books were written by the astrologer Leo. 
In fact, Leos always crave to be in the center of attention, power fanatics of their own “I”, whose immaturity and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to control others.
Leo is ruled by the Sun, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers itself the center around which everything should revolve. Of course, they crave obvious worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider it the main thing in everything.
Leos are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky, or crafty quiet ones with a sense of self-esteem.
Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for a while, but don’t be deceived, there are no shy and shy Leos in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them moody, and when they lose touch with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially as they age, believing that their whole life is a vale of misery. In fact, they roar and cause suffering to others without the slightest embarrassment. 
Instead of building relationships with people, they torment them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.
Win an argument with him, he will fall silent, stare at you and go into the shadows, pondering the next attack.
Leos make the most devoted mama's boys. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it for the rest of their lives.
Lionesses make fanatical mothers who take great pleasure in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law.
Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully portray Virgo as a modest, practical, sweet person, logical, discerning and meticulous. 
However, if you take a closer look, you will find a restless, fussy, petty critic and a hypocrite, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.
Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Geminis, but they stand too firmly on the ground.
Virgos get worried about everything.
They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors and dispense unsolicited advice with the gravity of an elementary school teacher.
Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they completely ignore their character, which cannot be called pleasant.
Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life. 
All Virgo’s fantasies and dreams have an absolutely practical purpose, Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that the other day she just got a larger piece.
Virgo can get a job in any organization, even Horns and Hooves, and calmly have their own piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all, they fear for their health, therefore, no matter what, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking; they do not tell anyone, not even themselves, the whole truth.
Always on the sidelines, they know how to pull chestnuts out of the fire with someone else’s hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; she has long ago calculated the dividends for herself.
They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything has a depressing effect on Virgo.
Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easy to recognize by appearance, always neatly dressed and combed. Men often get married very late or even remain single, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men enjoy doing housework.
This sign, both in the Zodiac and in life, embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.
Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they claim that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strives for peace, that they spend their entire lives looking for truth, beauty and the perfect life partner.
In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, hide those who like to pamper themselves, their Beloved, people who indulge only their own whims in everything, their ears are tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and greatness in them than in a green leaf.
Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that it gives a person an endless thirst for improvement. They definitely need to be the first, they are never satisfied, neither with themselves nor with their partner.
As one of the domineering cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal insult.
They get angry even if you just change the TV to another channel.
According to Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective and not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.
If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness because they are afraid of power. 
All Libras necessarily have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women it’s either weight, or height, or not-too-smooth skin; for men it’s even worse; even a beautiful wife won’t help him stop being tormented by the fact that someone else might be better...
Libras get married only by calculation; if the calculation turns out to be wrong, they often do not muster the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nagging, sometimes destroying him as a person.
At heart they are cowards and a shout is enough for them, but they are offended for life... They are geniuses in love and very often have affairs with married people, because to take someone away from them, what could be more pleasant? You don’t have to ask them for a loan... they won’t give it. When it comes to raising children, they are complete laymen, either pampering them or demanding impossible obedience; as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libras themselves are always disobedient and rough-necked in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people; they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!
SCORPION(October 23-November 21) 
Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, resides in the House of Death, Sex and Other People's Possessions.
Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate creature, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of rebirth and rising from the ashes, like the Phoenix.
But a comparison with Dracula rising from the grave is more suitable for him.
These are people possessed by obsessive ideas, very secretive subjects prone to assault, who feed their pride by humiliating others.
Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from boiling toxic emotions by only a thin layer of skin.
The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed instinct for survival in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio; only he himself can hit him. Which is what Scorpio usually does at the end of life.
Scorpio rarely lives out his life happily; usually his unbridled imagination and instinct of ownership push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.
But mind you, not anyone, but only himself, is doing a dirty trick on himself.
His favorite game in life is Bonfire of the Inquisition. If you die, then you are innocent, if you remain alive, then you are guilty.
They deliberately cause harm to loved ones; as a rule, their marriages do not last long, especially the first ones, not very 
There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everyone in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are by nature endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant narcissism.
Their intuition is so developed that they see people 
through. Very religious. Perhaps the most religious of all signs.
If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you. Scorpios are very vindictive, they do not forget anything and never forgive.
They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late to them. As a rule, they are very hot-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, they are often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a broad gesture, but here 
they will demand something in return.
Their motto: All or nothing!
If you get a divorce, then they try in every way to annoy your ex and pay alimony with great reluctance.
Greedy beef and all the money in the world are never enough for them.
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and resides in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.
Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people with philosophical view on life and events in the world, passionate travelers.
However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a loudmouth and a bully, always speaking out of place. 
Sagittarius is ruled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his charges with a restless character and extravagance.
Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their generosity of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm you so much from the first meeting that they immediately remember this person and immediately promote them somewhere.
Becoming a leader or director is a piece of cake for Sagittarius, but he often won’t work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the podium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time educating humanity, which is mired in ignorance.
They don’t know how to act subtly; they need everything to be done right away.
They laugh very loudly or smile cloyingly, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides suppressed rage, and what a rage!
It is because they have to suppress their anger that many of them are violent criminals.
In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings. 
They were born in dark time years, when the days are the shortest and the nights the longest and their soul is often also twilight, they suffer from attacks of melancholy, they constantly want fiesta.
Their favorite entertainment is the circus; they love loud music, which is why there are so many artists, singers, and musicians among them.
Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. The lack of sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and they have frequent conflicts in their families, while they argue, yell, and then can calmly make peace and talk an hour later as if nothing had happened.
They are very emotional, capricious, and fickle.
They cheat easily in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start to prove your point, your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.
As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy 
protect themselves and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be another child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to be nursed by someone, they harass their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they love five-day days, because for them going to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home to the children after work, it may well go listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, although she doesn’t have any orchids.
Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: house elder, combatants, fireman, stewardess, conductor of the Moscow-Vladivostok carriage - what could be more pleasant?
Generous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.
It would be possible not to try hard with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.
If you are dealing with Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his power, pompousness, these people clutch in one hand Civil Code, and in the other - a marriage contract.
Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-minded. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then brought their weak-willed husbands into the people, and they were not given anything else. 
All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their herd. Although a fish tail in their sign indicates a moist and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely visible, they are not sweetly sentimental like Pisces.
Showing emotions is considered indecent, but they are hot-tempered.
More than anything else, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to achieve their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and listening to them is tiring, they do not have flights of thought and imagination, like Pisces and Gemini, everything is the naked truth. They also have a poor sense of humor. 
Capricorns are very serious and lack spontaneity. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?
They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It’s time, it’s time to start a family, I’m already an adult
Namely, they think about family, not about love.
At a fairly young age, they achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to be happy, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if not, then only their favorite JOB!
And only this brings him happiness; to all his partner’s lamentations he has an excuse: I’m busy! Money is an end in itself for Capricorn.
In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health and are chronic long-livers.
According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications He was, of course, a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.
If you win the argument, it is likely that your phone will ring at night; Capricorn has decided to offer you a counter-argument...
Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.
To you, he will most likely seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell everyone he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.
To bring confusion and disorder is the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he's doing this. 
Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has the desire to drink or smoke... They are very prone to bad habits.
Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.
Aquarius is ruled by two planets - Uranus and Saturn.
Uranus is the planet of sudden changes and revolutions. Saturn is the planet of dogma and suppression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.
Aquarians are aloof people, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.
They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when I save money, when I retire... But life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.
They don’t even wear clothes right away; they usually hang them in the closet for years until they go out of fashion.
They are often very insightful and have a good understanding of people, but their problem is that they can never understand themselves... Marriages with them break up easily, like ninepins... But they are never left alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired ...
In old age, their weakest organ is the head, often loss of memory, nervous disorders. Therefore, if you get an Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.
Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which absorbs the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to introspection, sensitive to the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals... 
Scrape off the gilt from them, and you will find a dreamer overturned by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.
Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and it is he who endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!
They evaluate every action through the prism of their prejudices, against which any truth is shattered..
This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all adversity easily, for the sole reason that not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the current carries them out on its own. 
They are not fighters, they don’t lay down their weapons, they don’t even know how to pick them up!
This makes them surprisingly resilient, but far from reality.
They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and unwillingness to take risks keeps them down and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is enormous.
They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are lazy...
Ambition is a trait generally unknown to them; they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital from it.
But Neptune is the god of the sea elements, so Pisces are hot-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and begin to talk as if nothing had happened, they have a wonderful sense of humor, but sometimes it is cruel satire.
All Pisces speak first and think later.
But they are certainly interesting people, and the taste, style and charm they have often makes you come to terms with and digest their intolerable character. 
They are quick-tempered, but quick-witted, they say about themselves, without noticing that they have a lot of enemies.
Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including the offenders, many take this for courage, but this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.
This fun, humorous horoscope for today according to the zodiac signs can be used every day. Open this page every morning and good mood for the whole day guaranteed in full!
And for everyone who believes in happiness, we recommend reading our happy eastern horoscope by year of birth with recommendations from astrologers and poets. All our serious and cheerful horoscopes were written specifically for the “Favorite Holiday” website. Share them with friends, put links, but respect our authors - do not reprint our horoscopes. Thank you.
Cool, fun horoscope for today for Aries
Be active and decisive.
First, try doing some exercise.
So that your work does not go in vain, remember: if people are valued by their work, then a horse is better than any person.
Cool, fun horoscope for today for Taurus
Be careful. Before you do anything, think it through.
Measure seven times and only then cut eight times.
The seventy-first time you will succeed.
The stars do not advise kissing your secretary in the presence of your wife.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Gemini
New things await you.
Remember: even the stupidest idea can be executed masterfully.
And don't be afraid to do what you don't know how to do.
After all, the ark was built by amateurs. Professionals built the Titanic.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Cancer
Life is good... hic... Repeat this, spreading red caviar on the bread in a thick layer. Or black.
But don’t rush to pour vodka.
Remember: alcohol is a time machine.
I drank and it's tomorrow.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Leo
Talk less, listen more.
It’s better to remain silent and grunt with pleasure.
Your income will be higher than your expenses. Because there will be no expenses at all.
Get a piggy bank and grunt together.
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Cool, non-boring horoscope for today for Virgo
You will be thrown from one extreme to another.
First, the boss will call you on the carpet and scream like a pack of crocodiles.
In five minutes, he will offer you the position that you have been seeking for a long time.
Agree!
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Cool, non-boring horoscope for today for Libra
You will be on horseback.
Everyone else will probably have to travel on foot.
You may feel out of place.
The stars advise you to break the plate, get off the horse, break the plate, get off the horse and finally exchange it... for a bicycle.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Scorpio
You will have a romantic date.
Enjoy, forgetting about everything in the world....
When Sveta starts getting ready to go home, pretend to be asleep.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Sagittarius
Your mood will jump.
From TV to cabinet, from cabinet to table.
Try to catch him anyway.
Stand somewhere in the corner and ask: “Kolis! Who are you working for?!”
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Capricorn
Your sixth sense will not let you down. It will say: "Enough!"
The other five senses will fail.
They will say something absurd, but you will understand them.
Because after the fifth glass, a Russian person is able not only to understand the Chinese language, but also to forgive it.
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Cool, not boring horoscope for today for Aquarius
Everything will be given to you with ease.
Even a visit to the dentist.
At first you will be very afraid. Then it turns out that his drill is broken.
But don’t relax and remember: if you are happy for more than one day, it means they are hiding something from you.
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Cool, fun horoscope for today for Pisces
A creative upsurge lies ahead of you.
Stock up on climbing equipment in advance.
Already stocked up?.. Then full speed ahead!
To conquer the next height! ... just don’t shout later "" "A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-Ah .... Why did not I become a chess player-o-oh-oh?!"
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ATTENTION! REPRINTING IS PROHIBITED!
Of course, everyone is familiar with horoscopes and has read them at least once in their lives. Whether they are true or not, it is impossible to say for sure. But for those who are interested in them, this article was written. It will present funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, as well as some funny horoscopes. After reading our article, for example, you can find out how Scorpio drinks and what food Aquarius likes.
Characteristics of Aries and Taurus. Description of these signs
Let's start, perhaps, with compiling funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Let's start with Aries. You won't be able to find a more capricious die-hard than an Aries. At the same time, he hates routine. The representative of the sign does not like to do things that he does not like. It is almost impossible to persuade him to do such a thing. Although there is one trick - tell him that someone has done this task better. Then Aries will do the job at all costs, and even better than anyone else.
When drawing up a funny horoscope, one cannot help but mention the fiery nature of Aries. This person can spend a lot of time conquering the object of passion. Aries acts quickly, almost instantly and assertively. Therefore, it is very difficult to get rid of him.
If you are looking for a worthy competitor in terms of stubbornness for Aries, then this is Taurus. Moreover, this sign also has a “bonus” - fierce conservatism. Old things are very valuable to him. Taurus people are often boring. In general, representatives of the sign are reserved individuals. It's easier to talk to a wall than to talk to them. At least you can knock on it, and in response you will hear a hum. And from Taurus you can expect ringing silence and silence. Taurus believe that the more time they spend trying to achieve their beloved, the more valuable she is. The same rule applies to making money.
Characteristics of Gemini and Cancer. Distinctive features of each sign
Composing funny horoscope For Gemini, let us say that representatives of the sign are always for new adventures. These individuals are eccentric individuals who have a company of winds in their heads. Geminis also love to chat a lot; they can talk about something for hours. This is the funniest characteristic of the zodiac sign. Laziness is also legendary among Geminis. They don't like to go into details. They need money because they spend it quickly and casually, as they say.
Cancers are quite soft, romantic and intelligent natures. Although outwardly you can’t tell the same from them.
What is the funny characteristic of a zodiac sign? The fact that they, just like their namesakes from the animal world, take careful steps forward and run back. From this we can safely conclude that Cancers are indecisive and cautious. They are afraid to do anything, even cheat on their partner.
You should not make sparkling jokes with Cancer, as this nature is too sentimental and can be offended by light humor.
Characteristics of Leo and Virgo. What is remarkable about these zodiac signs? Comic descriptions of each
Leo is the unique king of beasts. When composing a funny horoscope for Leo, one cannot help but remember his greatness. He is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. Those around you should be glad even that Leo is next to them. His aura will paint the muddy swamp with bright colors.
Now let's make a fun Virgo horoscope. It is known that appearances can be deceiving. This phrase is entirely suitable for Virgos. After all, when you hear this word, your imagination pictures a cute creature. But astrologers who compose funny characteristics of the zodiac signs do not agree with such a description. In reality, Virgos are completely different. Not so cute. Sometimes they can even be maniacs. According to statistics, many maniacs were born under this sign.
Virgos skillfully adapt to the situation. They are usually polite and correct people. Virgo can use a person for her own purposes in order to achieve what she wants. He will not show sympathy for the object of love until he is firmly convinced of reciprocity. And if there is a refusal, he will wait, and suddenly something will change.
Characteristics of Libra and Scorpio. Comic description of zodiac signs
Libra constantly arrives in search peace of mind. They don't pay much attention to material world. They believe that everyday problems someone else should do it. Libra's affairs are more sublime than washing and cleaning. Representatives of the sign are always thrown into different sides. Impermanence also extends to the love sphere of life. This state is familiar to them. After betrayal, conscience usually does not bother you.
Scorpios are still those bastards. They are capable of breaking hearts thanks to their natural charm. Scorpios are also goal-oriented. If a goal is chosen, then no matter how difficult it is to achieve, they will still achieve it, even if they need to destroy something.
Characteristics of Sagittarius and Capricorn. Funny description of signs
Now let's draw up a comic horoscope for Sagittarius. Note that representatives of the sign always achieve their goals. Sometimes this doesn’t happen right away, but in any case everything will happen. Let us note that other signs are helped by perseverance and work to achieve their goals, while Sagittarius is helped by a fair wind.
If you're wondering which one is the best cheerful sign zodiac, then know that, of course, this one. Sagittarians are also the ringleaders. In addition, they are true philanthropists. They help everyone in need. Employers often take advantage of this quality. If Sagittarius doesn’t object, he will be burdened with a lot of work.
There is no need to openly offend Sagittarius. This is not to say that they are vindictive, just a little angry, and their memory is quite good. They don't forget anything, not even what happened in kindergarten. They can tell the whole truth in person without any problems.
When compiling a cheerful horoscope for Capricorn, let’s say that he is a pendulum person. He always balances between extremes. Children of this sign have characteristic adult seriousness and thoroughness. These qualities do not leave Capricorn in adulthood and even in old age.
Capricorn always throws himself into work. He will spend all his strength trying to complete an impossible task in advance. Although Capricorn also walks well. He goes on a spree headlong, sometimes to the point of complete degradation. To save him, you need to captivate him with something more interesting.
Note that Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If they are convinced that everyone around them is against them, then it will be extremely difficult, and in most cases impossible, to convince them otherwise.
Characteristics of Aquarius and Pisces. Funny description of zodiac signs
Now let's make a funny horoscope for Aquarius. The representative of the sign loves to talk. Words flow like water from a tap. Not everyone can withstand such a flow. But who can do this is Pisces or Gemini. Although you can still argue with the latter who will eventually talk to whom.
Aquarians take care very well, they can even compose poems and songs. Women of this sign follow the dictates of their hearts. If it tells you that he will be her betrothed, then an early meeting cannot be avoided.
Aquarians value personal space very much. They are ready to build high walls so that they can be given time to be alone.
What are the characteristics of the zodiac sign Pisces? Representatives can create a fictional reality out of nothing. And not only for yourself, but also for those around you. They can easily convince anyone of anything they want. Ask Pisces to perform some task for you, and it will break into pieces, but it will do it. He’s such an altruist, and there’s nothing you can do about it. When characterizing the Pisces zodiac sign, we will say that in love representatives are cautious and shy. They will never take the first step. They will dream about their loved one, cry, but remain silent. Pisces needs to be pushed to take some action in relationships, and not only in them.
Drunk horoscope, or How to drink with signs
Now alcoholic drinks are present on the table during many celebrations, and not only during the holidays. Here's how to drink it different signs? What should you be wary of? Let's start the story, of course, with Aries. It is advisable not to drink with representatives of this sign. Or sit Aquarius next to them, who, if anything happens, will take a friend with him. If this does not happen, then you may find yourself in a completely different country or do something strange. At the same time, Aries himself will look at you condemningly. Aries is not particularly intoxicated by alcohol, so they think that everyone is like that.
Taurus, regardless of the degree of intoxication, consider themselves sober. And even if they crawl on four. Taurus prefer to enjoy life to the fullest, including drinking. But if such a representative drinks too much, he turns into a not entirely adequate person. He will destroy everything that is around.
Gemini is believed to be a dual sign. His two-facedness is manifested in the fact that if he drinks, you can’t figure out who will appear before you: a cheerful joker or a guy who hates everyone. Moreover, the next morning he will no longer remember what happened.
Cancer is a rather secretive person. But if you get such a person drunk, you can learn a lot about him and yourself. On the morning after the celebration, Cancer will be hidden again.
If we talk about Leo, then a sober representative of the sign is no different from a drunk one. The only thing is that the decibel increases. A drunk Leo talks much more about himself than a sober one.
It is impossible to say exactly why Virgos drink. But they go through three stages of intoxication:
- "I'm so drunk."
- "I love everyone".
- “I need aspirin” (this is already in the morning).
Libras are afraid to drink, but they love it. In a state of intoxication, they rest. In this state, they stop weighing everything.
Sagittarius is at the same time a teetotaler, an alcoholic, a lucky man, and a loser. It's not clear how to drink with it. In addition, Sagittarius believes that he has light hand, but in reality - it’s still so heavy. At the same time, it is almost impossible to drink it too much.
Scorpio first drinks himself to the limit, and then gets everyone around him drunk.
When Capricorn drinks, he opens up. Literally becomes the soul of the company, the ringleader. He enjoys compliments and jokes, but in the morning he remembers everything.
A drunk Aquarius can move mountains. True, no one sees his actions, just like the drunken Aquarius himself. He tries to leave after drinking a little.
When Pisces becomes drunk, she experiences the whole range of emotions, starting from the fact that no one loves her, ending with the fact that she is the most beautiful.
Favorite food of Aries and Taurus. What will representatives of the signs choose: exotic or familiar dishes?
What is the favorite food of the zodiac signs? Of course, each of the twelve has their own preferences. Some people will like sweets, while others will like spicy dishes.
Aries are food lovers. They especially like simple dishes. They are also not averse to trying national cuisines. For example, they love Italian dishes such as pasta, lasagna, risotto and others. These dishes can be complemented with a glass of red wine. Aries benefits from foods such as lamb, pineapple, mint, cumin, rosemary, watercress and radishes.
Taurus people enjoy traditional dishes familiar from childhood. The following dishes are held in high esteem: new potatoes with dill, homemade cottage cheese, bread and butter, etc. Taurus do not really like to try something new; they do it only out of curiosity. As a rule, exotic dishes do not remain in the usual diet of representatives of the sign.
Favorite food of Gemini and Cancer. What will they like?
Geminis love seafood and fish dishes. They also like pasta and dumplings. Prone to changes in food choices.
Cancers like dishes that are familiar to them from childhood. It could be buns, borscht or stuffed fish (the same as your aunt cooked). Cancer is true to habits, even in nutrition.
Leo and Virgo. What are their taste preferences? What will they like?
Leos love to eat a lot and deliciously. They love meat dishes such as steaks and chops. From vegetable salads and I'm not happy with the snacks. Fish is also not particularly held in high esteem. Another lion's weakness is sweets.
Virgos choose simple food that they have known for a long time. They like tomato-based dishes. Virgos are indifferent to sweets and candies.
Favorite food of Libra and Scorpio. Do they like sweets or savory foods?
Libras love confectionery, fresh baked goods, and ice cream. They love delicious food. They can eat it like delicate salad, and a meat dish. Representatives of this sign like mushroom dishes.
Scorpios will enjoy seasoned, savory food, as well as traditional dishes such as Olivier salad, borscht and others. High-quality alcohol and expensive chocolate are also held in high esteem by representatives of the sign.
Favorite food of Sagittarius and Capricorn
Capricorns are loyal to the dishes they once fell in love with. Although they are not averse to trying some new things.
Sagittarians like ketchup and mustard. They enjoy trying new dishes from different cuisines. Many Sagittarius are indifferent to sweets.
Favorite food of Aquarius and Pisces. What do these signs prefer: delicacies or sweets?
Aquarians are interested in dishes that they have never tried before. A representative of this sign can enjoy rare delicacies for a long time. Aquarians love to sit and talk at a table with a lot of food.
Pisces are not particularly picky and picky eaters. They can eat even not particularly refined dishes. Pisces can never refuse sweets; they like to try new and new desserts. They love ice cream, cakes, and candies. Moreover, sometimes they consume sweets in unlimited quantities, completely forgetting about common sense.
Predictions for the Year of the Dog. What does each sign expect?
Now we will compile a funny horoscope for the year of the Dog for all signs.
A little conclusion
Now you know what zodiac signs they are. Our article contains their comic characteristics and horoscopes. Here you will find both funny personality traits and preferences of representatives of different zodiac signs, knowing which you can improve your relationship with them. We hope that this information was interesting and useful to you.