Natalya Milantyeva ended up in one of the monasteries near Moscow in 1990. In 2008, she had to leave, but disappointment in the monastery and especially in the abbess set in much earlier. Natalya told The Village how the monastery sells dogs and books secretly from the church authorities, how the monastery elite lives and why the sisters are satisfied with this order.

“Stay, girls, in the monastery, we will sew you black dresses”

When I was 12-13 years old, my mother converted to Orthodoxy and began to raise me in a religious spirit. By the age of 16-17, there was nothing in my head except the church. I was not interested in peers, music, or parties, I had one path - to and from the temple. I visited all the churches in Moscow, read xeroxed books: in the 80s, religious literature was not sold, every book was worth its weight in gold.

In 1990, I graduated from the printing college together with my sister Marina. In the fall I had to go to work. And then one famous priest, to whom my sister and I went, says: “Go to such and such a monastery, pray, work hard, there are beautiful flowers there and such a good mother.” We went for a week - and I loved it so much! It was like being at home. The abbess is young, smart, beautiful, cheerful, kind. The sisters are all like family. Mother begs us: “Stay, girls, in the monastery, we will sew you black dresses.” And all the sisters around: “Stay, stay.” Marinka immediately refused: “No, this is not for me.” And I was like: “Yes, I want to stay, I’ll come.”

At home, no one particularly tried to dissuade me. Mom said: “Well, it’s God’s will, since you want it.” She was sure that I would hang out there a little and return home. I was at home, obedient, if they slammed their fist on the table: “Are you crazy? Do you have to go to work, you got an education, what monastery?” - maybe none of this would have happened.

Now I understand why they called us so persistently. The monastery had just opened at that time: it started working in 1989, and I came in 1990. There were only about 30 people there, all young. Four or five people lived in cells, rats ran around the buildings, the toilet was outside. There was a lot of hard work to rebuild. More youth were needed. Father, in general, acted in the interests of the monastery, supplying educated Moscow sisters there. I don't think he genuinely cared about how my life would turn out.

I was at home, obedient, if they slammed their fist on the table: "Lost her mind? You should go to work, you have received your education, what monastery?“ - maybe none of this would have happened

How things have changed

The sisters told mother that We are losing our monastic community(it was still possible to express it back then)

In 1991, such a lady appeared in the monastery, let's call her Olga. She had some dark story. She was engaged in business, I can’t say exactly what kind, but the Moscow sisters said that her money was obtained by dishonest means. Somehow she ended up in the church environment, and our confessor blessed her to go to a monastery - to hide, or something. It was clear that this was a completely unchurched, secular person; she didn’t even know how to tie a scarf.

With her arrival, everything began to change. Olga was the same age as mother, both were just over 30. The rest of the sisters were 18-20 years old. Mother had no friends; she kept everyone at a distance. She called herself “we”, never said “I”. But apparently she still needed a friend. Our mother was very emotional, sincere, had no practical inclination, in material things, for example, construction, she had little understanding, the workers deceived her all the time. Olga immediately took everything into her own hands and began to restore order.

Mother loved communication, priests and monks from Ryazan came to visit her - there was always a full courtyard of guests, mainly from the church community. So, Olga quarreled with everyone. She inspired my mother: “Why do you need all this rabble? Who are you friends with? It is necessary with the right people make friends who can help in some way.” Mother always came with us to obediences (obedience is the work given to the monk by the abbot; everyone takes a vow of obedience Orthodox monks along with vows of non-covetousness and celibacy. - Approx. ed.), ate with everyone in the common refectory - as it should be, as the holy fathers commanded. Olga stopped all this. Mother got her own kitchen and stopped working with us.

The sisters told Mother that our monastic community was being lost (it was still possible to express it back then). One late evening she calls a meeting, points to her Olga and says: “Whoever is against her is against me. If you don't accept it, leave. This is my closest sister, and you are all envious. Raise your hands who are against her."

No one raised their hand: everyone loved mother. This was a turning point.

worldly spirit

Olga was indeed very capable in terms of making money and managing. She kicked out all the unreliable workers, started various workshops, and a publishing business. Rich sponsors appeared. Endless guests came, we had to sing, perform, and show performances in front of them. Life was designed to prove to everyone around us: this is how good we are, this is how we prosper! Workshops: ceramics, embroidery, icon painting! We publish books! We breed dogs! Medical Center opened! The children were adopted!

Olga began to attract capable sisters and encourage them, forming an elite. She brought computers, cameras, and televisions to the poor monastery. Cars and foreign cars appeared. The sisters understood: whoever behaves well will work on the computer and not dig the earth. Soon they were divided into the upper class, the middle class, and the lower, bad, “incapable of spiritual development,” who worked hard jobs.

One businessman gave his mother a four-story Vacation home 20 minutes drive from the monastery - with a swimming pool, sauna and its own farm. She mostly lived there, and came to the monastery on business and on holidays.

Life was designed to prove to everyone around: that's how good we are This is how we thrive!

What does the monastery live on?

Hide money from the diocese considered a virtue: Metropolitan is enemy number one

The Church, like the Ministry of Internal Affairs, is organized according to the principle of a pyramid. Each church and monastery pays tribute to the diocesan authorities from donations and money earned from candles and memorial notes. Our - ordinary - monastery had a small income anyway, not like Matronushka (in the Pokrovsky Monastery, where the relics of St. Matrona of Moscow are kept. - Ed.) or in the Lavra, and then there’s the metropolitan with exactions.

Olga, secretly from the diocese, organized underground activities: she bought a huge Japanese embroidery machine, hid it in the basement, and brought a man who taught several sisters to work on it. The machine spent the night churning out church vestments, which were then handed over to resellers. There are many churches, many priests, so the income from vestments was good. The dog kennel also brought in good money: rich people came and bought puppies for a thousand dollars. The workshops made ceramics, gold and silver jewelry for sale. The monastery also published books on behalf of non-existent publishing houses. I remember that at night they brought huge paper rolls on KAMAZ trucks and at night they unloaded books.

On holidays, when the Metropolitan came, sources of income were hidden and the dogs were taken to the farmstead. “Vladyka, our entire income is notes and candles, we grow everything we eat ourselves, the temple is shabby, there is nothing to repair.” Hiding money from the diocese was considered a virtue: the metropolitan is enemy number one, who wants to rob us and take our last crumbs of bread. They told us: after all, for you, you eat, we buy you stockings, socks, shampoos.

Naturally, the sisters did not have their own money, and their documents - passports, diplomas - were kept in a safe. The laity donated clothes and shoes to us. Then the monastery made friends with a shoe factory - they made terrible shoes that immediately caused rheumatism. It was bought cheaply and distributed to the sisters. Those who had parents with money wore normal shoes - I’m not saying beautiful, but simply made of genuine leather. And my mother herself was in poverty, she brought me 500 rubles for six months. I myself didn’t ask her for anything, at most hygiene products or a chocolate bar.

“If you leave, the demon will punish you, you will bark and grunt.”

Mother loved to say: “There are monasteries where there are sushi-pusi. If you want, go there. Here it’s like in the army, like in a war. We are not girls, we are warriors. We are in the service of God." We were taught that in other churches, in other monasteries, everything is not like that. Such a sectarian sense of exclusivity was developed. I come home, my mother says: “Father told me...” - “Your father knows nothing! I’m telling you - we must do as mother teaches us!” That’s why we didn’t leave: because we were sure that only in this place could we be saved.

They also intimidated us: “If you leave, the demon will punish you, you will bark and grunt. You will be raped, you will get hit by a car, your legs will be broken, your family will get sick. One left - so she didn’t even have time to get home, she took off her skirt at the station, started running after all the men and unbuttoning their pants.”

Nevertheless, at first the sisters constantly came and went, we didn’t even have time to count them. And in last years those who had stayed in the monastery for more than 15 years began to leave. The first such blow was the departure of one of the older sisters. They had other nuns under them and were considered reliable. Shortly before leaving, she became withdrawn, irritable, and began to disappear somewhere: she would go to Moscow on business, and she would be gone for two or three days. She began to break down and move away from her sisters. They started finding cognac and snacks on her. One fine day we are called to a meeting. Mother says that so-and-so left and left a note: “I came to the conclusion that I am not a nun. I want to live in peace. Forgive me, don’t think ill of me.” Since then, every year at least one sister leaves from among those who lived in the monastery from the very beginning. Rumors are heard from the world: so-and-so left - and everything is fine with her, she didn’t get sick, she didn’t break her legs, no one raped her, she got married and gave birth.

They left quietly, at night: there was no other way to leave. If you rush to the gate with your bags in broad daylight, everyone will shout: “Where are you going? Hold her! - and they will take you to mother. Why embarrass yourself? Then they came for documents.

We were taught that in other temples, in other monasteries it is not so. That's why we didn't leave: because we were sure that only in this place can one be saved.

“Where will I go? On mom's neck?

We accustomed to the monastery, How get used to the zone

I was made older sister in construction, they sent me to study to become a driver. I got my license and started driving into the city in a van. And when a person begins to constantly be outside the gate, he changes. I began to buy alcohol, but the money quickly ran out, and it had already become a habit - I began to smuggle it out of the monastery bins with my girlfriends. There was good vodka, cognac and wine.

We came to this life because we looked at the authorities, at mother, her friend and their inner circle. They had guests endlessly: cops with flashing lights, shaven-headed men, artists, clowns. They left the gatherings drunk, and mother reeked of vodka. Then the whole crowd went to her country house - there the TV was on from morning to night, music was playing.

Mother began to watch her figure and wear jewelry: bracelets, brooches. In general, she began to behave like a woman. You look at them and think: “If you can save yourself like this, it means I can too.” How was it before? “Mother, I sinned: I ate Strawberries and Cream candy during Lent.” - “Who’s going to put cream there for you, just think about it.” - “Of course, well, thank you.” And then I stopped caring about it all.

We got used to the monastery, just as one gets used to the zone. Former prisoners say: “The zone is my home. I feel better there, I know everything there, I have everything covered there.” Here I am: in the world I have no education, no life experience, no work record. Where will I go? On mom's neck? There were sisters who left with a specific goal - to get married and have a child. I was never drawn to having children or getting married.

Mother turned a blind eye to many things. Someone reported that I was drinking. Mother called: “Where do you get this drink?” - “Yes, here in the warehouse, all the doors are open. I don’t have money, I don’t take yours, if my mother gives me money, I can only buy “Three Sevens” with it. And in your warehouse there is “Russian Standard”, Armenian cognac.” And she says: “If you want a drink, come to us - we’ll pour it for you, no problem. Just don’t steal from the warehouse, the Metropolitan’s housekeeper comes to us, he has everything accounted for.” No more morals have been read. It was 16-year-olds whose brains were soaring, and all that was required of us was work, well, and observing some kind of boundaries.

“Natasha, don’t you dare come back!”

The first time I was kicked out after a frank conversation with Olga. She always wanted to make me her spiritual child, follower, admirer. She managed to tie some people very closely to her and make them fall in love with her. She's always so insinuating, she speaks in a whisper. We were driving in a car to my mother’s country house: I was sent there for construction work. We drive in silence, and suddenly she says: “You know, I have nothing to do with everything about the church, even these words disgust me: blessing, obedience - I was raised differently. I think you're just like me. The girls come to me, and you come to me.” It hit me like a blow to the head. “I,” I answer, “actually was raised in the faith, and church things are not alien to me.”

In a word, she revealed her cards to me, like a scout from “Omega Option,” and I pushed her away. After that, naturally, she began to try in every possible way to get rid of me. After some time, my mother calls me and says: “You are not our own. You're not getting better. We call you to us, and you are always friends with the scum. You will still do what you want. Nothing good will come of you, but even a monkey can work. Go home."

In Moscow, with great difficulty, I found a job in my specialty: my sister’s husband got me a job as a proofreader at the publishing house of the Moscow Patriarchate. The stress was terrible. I couldn’t adapt, I missed the monastery. I even went to see our confessor. “Father, so and so, they kicked me out.” “Well, there’s no need to go there anymore. Who do you live with, your mother? Does mom go to church? Well, that's okay. Do you have higher education? No? Here you go." And all this is said by the priest, who always intimidated us and warned us against leaving. I calmed down: it seemed like I had received a blessing from the elder.

And then my mother calls me - a month after the last conversation - and asks in a melting voice: “Natasha, we checked you. We miss you so much, come back, we are waiting for you.” “Mother,” I say, “I’m done.” Father blessed me." - “We’ll talk to the priest!” I don’t understand why she called me. This is something womanish, it hurts my ass. But I couldn't resist. Mom was horrified: “Are you crazy, where are you going? They made you into some kind of zombie!” And Marinka too: “Natasha, don’t you dare come back!”

When I arrive, everyone looks at me like wolves, no one misses me there. They probably thought that I felt too good in Moscow, so they returned me. They haven't completely mocked us yet.

This time is forever

The second time I was kicked out for romantic relationship with one sister. There was no sex, but everything was leading up to it. We completely trusted each other and discussed our rotten lives. Of course, others began to notice that we were sitting in the same cell until midnight.

In fact, they would have kicked me out anyway, it was just an excuse. For others it wasn't like that. Some played with children from the monastery orphanage. Father was still surprised: “Why did you have boys? Get some girls!” They were kept until the army, healthy boars. So, one teacher educated and educated - and further educated. They scolded her, of course, but they didn’t kick her out! She then left on her own, and she and that guy are still together.

Five others were expelled along with me. They organized a meeting and said that we were strangers to them, that we were not improving, that we were ruining everything, that we were tempting everyone. And off we went. After that, I had no thoughts of returning either there or to another monastery. This life was cut off like a knife.

The first time after the monastery, I continued to go to church every Sunday, and then gradually gave up. Only on major holidays I come in to pray and light a candle. But I consider myself a believer, Orthodox, and I recognize the church. I am friends with several ex-sisters. Almost everyone has gotten married, had children, or is simply dating someone.

When I returned home, I was so happy that now I don’t have to work at a construction site! In the monastery we worked for 13 hours, until nightfall. Sometimes night work was added to this. In Moscow, I worked as a courier, and then again took up repairs - I needed money. What I was taught in the monastery is what I earn. Got it from them work book, I was given 15 years of experience. But this is a pittance, it doesn’t help you retire at all. Sometimes I think: if it weren’t for the monastery, I would get married and give birth. What kind of life is this?

Sometimes I think: there would be no monastery I would get married gave birth. What kind of life is this?

"I was a bad nun"

One of the former monks says: “The monasteries must be closed.” But I don't agree. There are people who want to be monks, pray, help others - what's wrong with that? I am against large monasteries: there is only debauchery, money, show off. Another thing is monasteries in the outback, away from Moscow, where life is simpler, where they don’t know how to make money.

In fact, everything depends on the abbot, because he has unlimited power. Nowadays you can still find a rector with experience monastic life, and in the 90s there was nowhere to get them: monasteries had just begun to open. Mother graduated from Moscow State University, worked her way through church circles, and was appointed abbess. How could she be entrusted with the monastery if she herself had not undergone either humility or obedience? What kind of spiritual power is needed in order not to become corrupted?

I was a bad nun. She grumbled, did not humble herself, considered herself right. She could say: “Mother, I think so.” - “These are your thoughts.” “These are not thoughts,” I say, “I have them, these are thoughts!” Thoughts! I think so!" - “The devil thinks for you, the devil! Listen to us, God is talking to us, we will tell you how to think.” - “Thank you, I’ll figure it out myself somehow.” People like me are not needed there.

Text- Anton Khitrov

You decided to learn about life in a monastery because you yourself decided to devote your life to God or you are simply interested in how they live in monasteries, and rightly so, because it means you are getting closer to God and Orthodox Faith. In fact, life in a monastery is quite different from worldly life outside the walls of the monastery. We recommend that you familiarize yourself with

LIFE IN THE MONASTERY

WORKERS

If a person wants to live in a monastery for some time and get to know its life better, experience all the difficulties of monastic life, he can come to the monastery and talk to its abbot with a request to be accepted as a worker in the monastery for a while. And, if you convince the abbot of the monastery that you are worthy of such a rank, you will be accepted as a worker and provided with everything necessary for life in the monastery. At this time, while you wear the rank of a worker, you will have to do all the work that will be entrusted to you, most likely it will be the most difficult and unpleasant work, so that you learn humility and suppress anger in yourself.

DISCOVERIES

This rank is worn by people who have decided to go to a monastery, but have not yet earned the blessing to become a monk, so to speak, these are those people who learn obedience and humility, who must learn to live without thoughts of sinful and worldly pleasures. If a person copes with this teaching, then he is blessed and tonsured a monk; as a rule, this happens within no more than five years from the moment he entered the monastery, although it can happen longer. We recommend that you read

MONKS

These are the people who live in a monastery in the likeness of Christ, free from all family ties, without a roof over their head, wandering, living in poverty and spending their nights in prayer. So, the closer the monks are to Christ and his life, the closer they are to God. Living in incompleteness and inferiority, they acquire something else, and this other thing is the Lord God himself.

JOY OR SADness

Life in a monastery should not only carry sorrow, sadness, and especially humiliation. The fact that it is pleasant for a person to live in a monastery suggests that life in a monastery is correct, and if monks, novices and workers experience constant humiliation and insults, this is no longer monastic life, but the torment of hell during life. Only the fact that the monks do not leave the monastery indicates that life in the monastery is real, called to serve the Lord God, and you will live well and pleasantly there. We recommend that you read

TEACHING

As in life, monks living life in a monastery must study science, for example, painting, music, literature, so each monk, in his free time from serving, can either rest or study.

SHARE:

When a woman is unable to cope with problems, illness or grief, when she cannot pray, there is nothing left to do but end up in a nunnery. Any person can come to this place, regardless of their position in society, their rank or class. As a rule, people who end up in a monastery are strong in spirit and body, because the service requires a lot of strength, patience and will.

Are you ready to enter a monastery?

Before you decide to take such a desperate and fateful step, you need to weigh everything, think carefully and come to the only correct conclusion. By entering a monastery, you will forever lose your worldly free life. The main thing for you will be obedience, humility, physical labor and prayers.

You will have to work hard, subdue your flesh and sacrifice a lot. Are you ready for this? If yes, then you need to follow these tips:

1. Seek advice from a clergyman. He will help you prepare for a new life and advise you in choosing a monastery.
2. Settle all worldly affairs. Prepare documents, resolve financial and legal issues.
3. Talk to your relatives and try to explain your decision to them.
4. Apply to the abbess of the monastery with a request to accept you into the monastery.
5. Prepare Required documents. This is a passport, marriage certificate (if you are married), autobiography and a petition addressed to the abbess.

If everything is in order, you are a single adult woman who has no children or they are well settled, you will be accepted into the nunnery for probation. In total it is 3 years. Subject to complete humility, obedience, and fervent prayers, after this period of time you can take monastic vows as a nun.

Devoting herself entirely to the service of God, a woman goes through the main stages of life in a monastery:

• Pilgrim. She is forbidden to pray with the nuns or eat at a common table. Her main occupation is prayer and obedience.
• Worker. This is a woman who is just getting a closer look at monastic life. She still continues to live a secular life, but when she comes to the monastery, she works equally with everyone else, following all the rules and obeying the internal regulations.
• Novice. She becomes the one who has already submitted an application to enter the monastic life. If the abbess is confident in the seriousness of a woman’s intentions, then she soon becomes a nun.
• Nun. Once a person has made vows, nothing can be returned. If you change your vows, it means cheating on God. And this is one of the biggest sins.

Preparing for care

If the decision is made and the woman is ready to devote herself to the Lord, she must follow these rules:

• pray daily and attend worship services;
• do not break these vows;
• perform large and difficult physical work;
• be silent and think more, do not gossip and do not have idle conversations;
• to refuse from bad habits;
• limit yourself in food, refuse meat dishes;
• fast;
• leaving the walls of the monastery, going out into the world only on important matters;
• refuse frequent meetings with family;
• rest only in holy places;
• behave humbly and meekly;
• give up money and other material goods;
• read only church books, it is forbidden to watch TV, listen to the radio, or leaf through entertainment magazines;
• do things only with the blessing of an elder.

A nun is an ordinary woman with her own character and weaknesses, so doing everything at once will be very difficult. However, following these rules is mandatory for those who really decide to change their destiny.

They will not accept into the monastery walls someone who has unfulfilled obligations in life. If you have frail elderly parents or small children, you first need to take care of them, and only then think about entering a monastery.

How to get to the monastery?

A man who understands that his destiny is inseparable from the Lord, that his purpose in life is to serve God, will definitely want to enter a monastery.

The first step, of course, is to ask for the blessing of your spiritual mentor. After talking with you, the priest must decide whether the decision you want to make is truly sincere and whether it is an escape from secular life. If the priest decides that you are ready for such changes in life, you can move on.

First you need to become a laborer or a novice. The main activities are studying church literature, observing fasts, and physical work. These periods can last up to 10 years. It often happens that a person, having rested from the hustle and bustle, returns to his usual life. Those who pass all the tests take monastic vows.

1. Rasophorus. This is a monk who takes a vow of chastity, obedience and non-covetousness.
2. Small schemamonk. Takes a vow of renunciation of all earthly things.
3. Angelic (great) schemamonk. The same vows are taken again and tonsure is taken.

In monasticism there are 4 main vows that a person takes:

1. Obedience. You cease to be a free person. Give up pride, your desires and will. Now you are the executor of the will of the confessor.
2. Prayer. Constant and unceasing. Pray always and everywhere no matter what you are doing.
3. Celibacy. You must give up carnal pleasures. You can't have a family and children. Nevertheless, any people can come to the monastery, even those who have family and children left in the world.
4. Non-covetousness. This is a renunciation of any material wealth. A monk must be a beggar.

Remember that monks are often called martyrs. Are you ready to become one? Do you have enough patience, chastity and humility to follow the commandments of God until the end of your days? Before you enter a monastery, think again. After all, serving the Lord is one of the most difficult things. Try to stand on your feet for many hours. If this gives you pleasure, your calling is monasticism.

Is it possible to enter the monastery temporarily?

In moments of doubt and hesitation, a person needs to turn to God. Only through prayer, obedience and strict life can you make the right decision and understand the meaning of your existence. Therefore, sometimes you need to live in a monastery for a while. To do this, it is advisable to ask permission from the boss in advance. Now it's pretty simple. Almost every monastery has its own website where you can ask questions.

Having arrived there and settled in a special hotel, you will have to work equally with everyone else, be obedient and humble, limit yourself in carnal affairs and listen to the orders of the monks. It is allowed to take part in preparations for holidays and other events. For this you get food and shelter.

You can return to worldly life at any time, and it will not be considered sinful. Such a return is possible only before you take monastic vows.

As soon as you are tonsured, you become God's servant forever. Any violation of the rules of monastic life is a great sin.

In difficult moments in life, many people wonder how to get into a nunnery or a men’s monastery. They think it is very difficult. But that's not true. Absolutely anyone can take monastic vows. Anyone who feels a sense of love for God, patience and humility can take advantage of this chance. The Lord is ready to accept everyone who chooses such a path for themselves, because before His face everyone is equal. Churches, monasteries and monasteries are always happy to welcome a person with pure thoughts and faith in his soul.

Maria Kikot, 37 years old

People go to the monastery for various reasons. Some people are driven there by the general unsettled state of the world. Others have a religious upbringing, and they tend to consider the path of a monk to be the best for a person. Women quite often make this decision due to problems in their personal lives. For me everything was a little different. Questions of faith have always occupied me, and one day... But first things first.

My parents are doctors, my father is a surgeon, my mother is an obstetrician-gynecologist, and I also graduated from medical school. But I never became a doctor; I was fascinated by photography. I worked a lot for glossy magazines and was quite successful. What I liked most then was filming and traveling.

My boyfriend was interested in Buddhism and infected me with it. We traveled a lot around India and China. It was interesting, but I didn’t dive headlong into faith. I was looking for answers to questions that worried me. And I didn’t find it. Then I became interested in qigong - a kind of Chinese gymnastics. But over time, this hobby also passed. I wanted something stronger and more exciting.

One day, my friend and I were on our way to filming and accidentally stopped to spend the night in an Orthodox monastery. Unexpectedly, I was offered to replace the local cook. I love these types of challenges! I agreed and worked in the kitchen for two weeks. This is how Orthodoxy came into my life. I started going to the temple near my house regularly. After the first confession I felt great, it went so calmly. Interested religious books, studied the biographies of saints, observed fasts... I plunged into this world headlong and one day I realized that I wanted more. I decided to go to a monastery. Everyone, including the priest, dissuaded me, but the elder I went to blessed me with obedience.

I arrived at the monastery wet from head to toe, cold and hungry. It was hard on my soul, after all, it’s not every day that you change your life so dramatically. I'm like anyone normal person, I hoped that they would feed me, calm me down and, most importantly, listen to me. But instead, I was forbidden to talk to the nuns and sent to bed without dinner. I was upset, of course, but rules are rules, especially since we were talking about one of the strictest monasteries in Russia.

The abbess had a personal chef. She hypocritically complained that because of diabetes she was forced to eat salmon with asparagus, and not our gray crackers

Special zone

The monastery was ruled by a strong, powerful and, as it turned out, very influential woman. During the first meeting, she was friendly, smiling, and told by what laws life in the monastery follows. She clarified that she should be called mother, the others - sisters. Then it seemed that she treated me with maternal condescension. I believed that everyone living in the monastery was one big family. But alas...

It was a realm of meaningless restrictions. At the table you were not allowed to touch food without permission, you couldn’t ask for more, or eat something else until everyone had finished the soup. The oddities didn't just apply to the meals. We were forbidden to be friends. What’s more, we didn’t even have the right to talk to each other. Believe it or not, this was considered fornication. Gradually I realized: everything was arranged this way so that the sisters could not discuss the abbess and the monastic way of life. Mother was afraid of a riot.
I tried to practice humility. When something scared me, I thought that my faith was simply weak and that no one was to blame.

Further more. I noticed that during meals, someone is always scolded. For the most insignificant reasons (“I took the scissors and forgot to give them back”) or without them at all. You must understand that, according to church regulations, such conversations should take place face to face: your mentor not only scolds, but
and listens, offers help, teaches not to give in to temptations. In our case, everything turned into harsh public showdowns.

There is such a practice - “thoughts”. It is customary for monks to write down all their doubts and fears on paper and give them to their confessor, who does not even have to live in the same monastery. We wrote our thoughts, of course, to the abbess. The first time I did this, my mother read my letter at a common meal. Like, “listen to what fools we have here.” Directly under the “anecdote of the week” section. I almost burst into tears in front of everyone.

We ate what parishioners or nearby stores donated. As a rule, we were fed expired food. Mother gave everything that was produced at the monastery to higher-ranking clergy.

Sometimes the abbess ordered us to eat with a teaspoon. The meal time was limited - only 20 minutes. How much can you eat there during this time? I've lost a lot of weight

Be a novice

Gradually, life in the monastery began to remind me of hard labor, and I no longer remembered any spirituality. At five in the morning we get up, hygiene procedures, excuse me, in a basin (showers are prohibited, it’s a pleasure), then a meal, prayer and hard work until late at night, then more prayers.

It is clear that monasticism is not a resort. But the feeling of being constantly broken doesn’t seem normal either. It is impossible to doubt the correctness of obedience; neither can we admit the idea that the abbess is unjustifiably cruel.

Denunciations were encouraged here. In the form of those very “thoughts”. Instead of talking about the secret, one should have complained about others. I couldn’t tell lies, for which I was repeatedly punished. Punishment in the monastery is a public reprimand with the participation of all the sisters. They accused the victim of imaginary sins, and then the abbess deprived her of the sacrament. The most terrible punishment was considered to be exile to a monastery in a remote village. I loved these links. There it was possible to take a little break from the monstrous psychological pressure and take a breath. I couldn’t voluntarily ask to go to the monastery - I would immediately be suspected of a terrible conspiracy. However, I often felt guilty, so I regularly went into the wilderness.

Many novices took strong tranquilizers. There is something strange about the fact that approximately a third of the monastery's inhabitants are mentally ill. The nuns’ hysterics were “treated” by visits to an Orthodox psychiatrist, a friend of the abbess. She prescribed powerful medicines that turned people into vegetables.

Many people ask how the monastery deals with sexual temptation. When you are constantly under severe psychological pressure and work from morning to night in the kitchen or in the barn, desires do not arise.

The way back

I lived in the monastery for seven years. After a series of intrigues and denunciations, shortly before the proposed tonsure, my nerves gave way. I miscalculated, took a lethal dose of medicine and ended up in the hospital. I lay there for a couple of days and realized that I would not return back. It was difficult decision. The novices are afraid to leave the monastery: they are told that this is a betrayal of God. They frighten with a terrible punishment - illness or sudden death loved ones.

On the way home, I stopped with my confessor. After listening to me, he advised me to repent and take the blame upon myself. Most likely, he knew about what was happening in the monastery, but was friends with the abbess.

Gradually I returned to worldly life. After many years spent in isolation, it is very difficult to get used to the huge, noisy world again. At first it seemed to me that everyone was looking at me. That I am committing one sin after another, and all around there are atrocities going on. Thanks to my parents and friends who helped me in every way possible. I truly freed myself when I wrote about my experience on the Internet. Gradually I posted my story on LiveJournal. It became excellent psychotherapy, I received a lot of feedback and realized that I was not alone.

After about a year of monastic life, my periods disappeared. This was the case with other novices as well. The body simply could not withstand the load, it began to fail

As a result, my sketches formed the book “Confession of a Former Novice.” When it came out, reactions varied. To my surprise, many novices, nuns and even monks supported me. “That’s how it is,” they said. Of course, there were those who condemned. The number of articles in which I appear either as an “editorial fiction” or as an “ungrateful monster” has exceeded a hundred. But I was ready for this. In the end, people have the right to their point of view, and my opinion is not the ultimate truth.

Time has passed, and now I know for sure that the problem is not with me, the system is to blame. It's not about religion, it's about the people who interpret it in such a perverted way. And one more thing: thanks to this experience, I realized that you should always trust your feelings and not try to see white in black. He's not there.

Another road

These women once got tired of the bustle of the world and decided to change everything. Not all of them became nuns, but the lives of each are now closely connected withchurch.

Olga Gobzeva. The star of the films “Operation Trust” and “Portrait of the Artist’s Wife” took monastic vows in 1992. Today Mother Olga is the abbess of the Elisabeth Convent.

Amanda Perez. A few years ago, the famous Spanish model left the catwalk without regrets and entered a monastery. Not going to return.

Ekaterina Vasilyeva. In the 90s, the actress (“Crazy” Baba") left cinema and serves as a bell ringer in a church. Occasionally he appears in TV series with his daughter Maria Spivak.

Photo: Facebook; Cinema concern "Mosfilm"; Persona Stars; VOSTOCK Photo

“Confession of a former novice” was written by Maria Kikot not for publication and not even so much for readers, but primarily for herself, for therapeutic purposes. But the story instantly resonated in the Orthodox RuNet and, as many noticed, had the effect of a bomb.

The story of a girl who lived for several years in one of the famous Russian convents, and her confession made a revolution in the minds of many people. The book is written in the first person and is devoted to perhaps the most closed topic - life in a modern monastery. It contains many interesting observations, discussions about monasticism and the similarity of church structures with a sect. But our attention was drawn to the chapter dedicated to those who went to the monastery... and took their children with them.

Maria Kikot in her book “Confession of a Former Novice” describes life in the monastery without embellishment, leaving the reader the right to draw their own conclusions

“Since we got up at 7, and not at 5 in the morning, like the sisters of the monastery, we were not allowed any rest during the day; we could only sit and rest at the table during the meal, which lasted 20–30 minutes.

All day the pilgrims had to be obedient, that is, do what the sister specially assigned to them said. This sister’s name was novice Kharitina, and she was the second person in the monastery - after Mother Cosma - with whom I had the opportunity to communicate. Invariably polite, with very pleasant manners, she was always with us somehow deliberately cheerful and even cheerful, but on her pale gray face with dark circles around her eyes we could see fatigue and even exhaustion. It was rare to see any emotion on her face other than the same half-smile all the time.

Mothers of children who grow up in a monastery orphanage are in a special position. They rest only three hours a week, on Sunday

Kharitina gave us tasks, what needed to be washed and cleaned, provided us with rags and everything necessary for cleaning, and made sure that we were busy all the time. Her clothes were rather strange: a faded gray-blue skirt, so old, as if it had been worn for ages, an equally shabby shirt of an incomprehensible style with holes in the frills, and a gray scarf that had probably once been black. She was the eldest in the “children’s room,” that is, she was responsible for the guest and children’s refectory, where they fed the children of the monastery orphanage, guests, and also organized holidays. Kharitina was constantly doing something, running around, herself, together with the cook and the refector, delivering food, washing dishes, serving guests, helping pilgrims.

Children in the Otrada shelter live on full board, study, in addition to basic school disciplines, music, dance, acting

She lived right in the kitchen, in a small room, similar to a kennel, located behind front door. There, in this closet, next to the folding sofa where she slept at night, without undressing, curled up like an animal, various valuable kitchen items were stored in boxes and all the keys were kept.

Later I found out that Kharitina was a “mother,” that is, not a sister of the monastery, but rather something like a slave working off her huge unpaid debt in the monastery. There were quite a lot of “mothers” in the monastery, about half of all the sisters of the monastery.

“Moms” are women with children whom their confessors blessed for monastic feats. That's why they came here, to the St. Nicholas Chernoostrovsky Monastery, where there is an orphanage "Otrada" and an Orthodox gymnasium right within the walls of the monastery. Children here live on full board in a separate building of the orphanage, and, in addition to basic school disciplines, study music, dancing, and acting. Although the shelter is considered an orphanage, almost a third of the children in it are not orphans at all, but children with “mothers.”

“Moms” are held in special regard by Abbess Nikolai. They work in the most difficult obediences (cowshed, kitchen, cleaning) and, like the other sisters, do not have an hour of rest a day, that is, they work from 7 in the morning until 11–12 at night without rest, monastic prayer rule They have also replaced it with obedience (work). They attend liturgy in church only on Sundays. Sunday is the only day when they are entitled to 3 hours of free time during the day to communicate with the child or relax. Some people have not one, but two living in the shelter; one “mother” even had three children. At meetings, Mother often said to people like this: “You have to work for two. We are raising your child. Don't be ungrateful!

Kharitina had a daughter, Anastasia, at the orphanage, she was very young, then she was about one and a half to two years old. I don’t know her story, in the monastery the sisters are forbidden to talk about their lives “in the world,” I don’t know how Kharitina ended up in the monastery with such a small child. I don't even know her real name. From one sister I heard about unhappy love, failed family life, and Elder Blasius’ blessing to become a monk.

“Moms” get the hardest work and are constantly reminded that they must work for both – themselves and the child.

Most of the “mothers” came here this way, with the blessing of the elder of the Borovsky monastery Vlasiy or the elder of the Optina Hermitage Ilia (Nozdrina). These women were not special; many had both housing and Good work, some were with higher education, they just ended up here during a difficult period in their lives. All day long these “mothers” worked in difficult obediences, paying with their health, while the children were raised by strangers in the barracks environment of the orphanage.

Shelter "Otrada" at the St. Nicholas Chernoostrovsky Monastery. At least a third of the students there are not orphans at all.

On major holidays, when our Metropolitan of Kaluga and Borovsk, Kliment (Kapalin), or other important guests came to the monastery, Kharitina’s little daughter in a beautiful dress was brought to them, photographed, she and two other little girls sang songs and danced. Plump, curly, healthy, she evoked universal affection.

Often “mothers” were punished if their daughters behaved badly. This blackmail lasted until the children grew up and left the orphanage, then the monastic or monastic tonsure of the “mother” became possible.

The abbess forbade Kharitina from frequently communicating with her daughter: according to her, it distracted her from work, and besides, the other children could be jealous.

The stories of all these “mothers” always caused me indignation. Rarely were these some dysfunctional mothers whose children had to be taken to a shelter.

Alcoholics, drug addicts and homeless people are not accepted into monasteries. As a rule, these were ordinary women with housing and work, many with higher education, who did not have a good life family life with the “popes” and on this basis the roof went towards religion.

But confessors and elders exist precisely to guide people on the right path, simply to “straighten people’s minds.” But it turns out the other way around: a woman who has children, imagining herself to be a future nun and ascetic, goes to such a confessor, and instead of explaining to her that her feat lies precisely in raising children, he blesses her to enter a monastery. Or, even worse, he insists on such a blessing, explaining that it is difficult to be saved in the world.

Then they say that this woman voluntarily chose this path. What does “voluntary” mean? We’re not saying that people who ended up in sects got there voluntarily? Here this voluntariness is very conditional. You can praise orphanages at monasteries as much as you like, but in essence they are all the same orphanages, like barracks or prisons with little prisoners who see nothing but four walls.

How can you send a child there who has a mother? Orphans from ordinary orphanages can be adopted, taken into foster care or guardianship, especially small ones, they are in adoption databases. Children from monastery orphanages are deprived of this hope - they are not in any base. How is it even possible to bless women with children in monasteries? Why is there no legislation that would prohibit would-be confessors and elders from doing this, and abbess, like Nicholas’s mother, from exploiting them with pleasure? Several years ago, some kind of rule came out prohibiting the tonsuring of novices whose children have not reached the age of 18 into monasticism or monasticism. But it didn't change anything."