My first memory is my brother's birthday: November 14, 1991. I remember my father driving my grandparents and me to the hospital in Highland Park, Illinois. We were going there to see our newborn brother.

I remember how they brought me into the room where my mother was lying, and how I went up to look into the cradle. But what I remember best is what program was on TV at that time. These were the last two minutes of the cartoon Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends. I even remember what episode it was.

In the sentimental moments of my life, I feel that I remember my brother's birth because it was the first event that deserves to be remembered. There may be some truth to this: research into early memory shows that memories often begin with significant events, and the birth of a brother is a classic example.

But it's not just the importance of the moment: most people's first memories are around 3.5 years old. At the time of my brother’s birth, I was just that age.

When I talk about the first memory, of course, I mean the first conscious memory.

Carol Peterson, a professor of psychology at Memorial University Newfoundland, has shown that young children can remember events from the age of 20 months, but these memories fade in most cases by the age of 4-7 years.

“We used to think that the reason we don't have early memories is because children don't have a memory system or they just forget things very quickly, but that turns out to be untrue,” Peterson says. – In children good memory, but whether the memories are preserved depends on several factors.”

The two most significant, Peterson explains, are the reinforcement of memories by emotions and their coherence. That is, are the stories that emerge in our memory meaningful? Of course, we can remember not only events, but it is events that most often become the basis for our first memories.

In fact, when I asked developmental psychologist Steven Resnick about the causes of childhood “amnesia,” he disagreed with the term I used. In his opinion, this is an outdated way of looking at things.

Resnick, who works at the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill, recalled that soon after birth, babies begin to remember faces and respond to familiar people. This is the result of the so-called recognition memory. The ability to understand words and learn to speak depends on random access memory, which is formed by approximately six months. More complex shapes memories develop by the third year of life: for example, semantic memory, which allows you to remember abstract concepts.

"When people say babies don't remember things, they're talking about event memory," Resnick explains. While our ability to remember events that happened to us depends on a more complex “mental infrastructure” than other types of memory.

Context is very important here. To remember an event, a child needs a whole set of concepts. So, in order to remember my brother’s birthday, I had to know what “hospital”, “brother”, “cradle” and even “Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends” were.

Moreover, in order for this memory not to be forgotten, it had to be stored in my memory in the same language code that I use now, as an adult. That is, I could have earlier memories, but formed in rudimentary, pre-speech ways. However, as the brain developed, these early memories became inaccessible. And so it is with each of us.

What do we lose when our first memories are erased? For example, I lost an entire country.

My family emigrated to America from England in June 1991, but I have no memories of Chester, the city of my birth. I grew up learning about England from television programs, as well as my parents' cooking habits, accent and language. I knew England as a culture, but not as a place or homeland...

One day, to verify the authenticity of my first memory, I called my father to ask about the details. I was afraid that I had imagined the grandparents' visit, but it turned out that they actually flew in to see their newborn grandson.

My father said that my brother was born in the early evening, not at night, but considering that it was winter and it got dark early, I could have mistaken the evening for night. He also confirmed that there was a bassinet and a television in the room, but he doubted one important detail - that the TV was showing Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.

True, in this case we can say that this detail naturally etched itself in the memory of a three-year-old child and fell out of the memories of the newborn’s father. It would be very strange to add such a fact years later. False memories do exist, but their construction begins much later in life.

In Peterson's studies, young children were told about supposed events in their lives, but almost all separated reality from fiction. The reason older children and adults begin to patch holes in their memories with made-up details, Peterson explains, is because memories are constructed by our brains and are not simply represented as a string of memories. Memory helps us understand the world, but this requires complete, not fragmentary memories.

I have a memory of an event that chronologically precedes my brother's birth. I vaguely see myself sitting between my parents on a plane flying to America. But this is not a first-person memory, like my memory of visiting the hospital.

Rather, it is a “mental snapshot” from the outside, taken, or better yet, constructed, by my brain. But I wonder what my brain missed important detail: in my memory, my mother is not pregnant, although at that time the belly should have already been noticeable.

It is noteworthy that not only the stories that our brain constructs change our memories, but also vice versa. In 2012, I flew to England to see the city where I was born. Having spent in Chester less than a day, I felt that the city was surprisingly familiar to me. This feeling was elusive, but unmistakable. I was at home!

Was this because Chester occupied an important place in my adult consciousness as a city of birth, or were these feelings triggered by actual pre-speech memories?

According to Reznik, it is probably the latter, since recognition memory is the most stable. In my case, the “memories” of my birth city that I formed as an infant may well have persisted all these years, albeit vaguely.

When people in Chester asked me what a lonely American was doing in a small English city, I answered: “Actually, I’m from here.”

For the first time in my life, I felt that nothing inside resisted these words. Now I don’t remember if I joked after: “What, it’s not noticeable from my accent?” But over time, I think this detail may become part of my memory. After all, the story looks more interesting this way.

Try to isolate your first memory. How old are you? Three years, five years? Many of us don't remember anything until we're three years old, and others even longer. Why does this happen and why do we remember so little about our childhood? I tried to figure it out.

Guitar, mushroom and milk soup

One of my friends told me about his first memories: he was lying in a cradle, he was a year and a half old, and a guitar was hanging above him. When he grew up and asked his parents about this guitar, they were very surprised, because at that age no one usually remembers himself. By the way, the young man was a musician. Maybe the first memory of the guitar influenced him that way?

I myself can’t figure out what my very first memory is. Here I am walking with my grandmother on a summer day through the village. I remember the houses, the lake, the sun. In hand - big mushroom which I brag about. I'm three years old. Or I sit on my mother’s lap while visiting. I remember a table with food and drinks and a man with a camera. Later I will find these photographs in the family album. Or I look down from the balcony (we lived on the fifth floor). Feeling of fear and height. But I can’t name a specific first memory.

I ask my friend. She also cannot name any specific childhood episode.

I remember how, when I was 4 years old, I asked about soup in kindergarten to see if I wanted to have lunch. They told me that today is milk day. And I said something like: “Well, then I’ll have lunch,” she says.

By the way, Leo Tolstoy described his first memories in sufficient detail. Maybe such ability is a sign of genius?

These are my first memories, ones that I don’t know how to put in order, not knowing what happened before and after. I don’t even know about some of them, whether it was in a dream or in reality. Here they are. I'm tied up, I want to free my hands, but I can't do it. I scream and cry, and I myself hate my screaming, but I can’t stop. Someone is standing over me, bent over, I don’t remember who, and all this is in semi-darkness, but I remember that there are two, and my scream affects them: they are alarmed by my scream, but they do not untie me, what I want, and I scream even louder. It seems to them that this is necessary (that is, for me to be tied up), whereas I know that this is not necessary, and I want to prove it to them, and I burst into screams, disgusting to myself, but uncontrollable. I feel the injustice and cruelty not of people, because they pity me, but of fate and pity for myself.

It's funny. Why did the brain leave these particular memories and how did they affect us? I’ll try to figure out why we completely forget everything that happened before the age of three (and some even begin to recall memories from the age of five).

Society and brain features

Inability to store memories from early childhood usually called infantile amnesia. The term appeared thanks to the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, who coined the term “infantile amnesia” more than a hundred years ago. Here are the main points modern science to this problem.

Neural connections

Interestingly, all scientists indicate that children in infancy can effectively use memory and other cognitive functions. Every second, a baby forms 700 new neural connections and uses language learning skills that would be the envy of any polyglot. Even before the end of the first year of life, infants use top-down attention for visual search and also replenish lexicon during sleep. And some studies indicate that a child begins to train his brain in the womb.

An explanation for infantile amnesia may lie in the fact that in childhood, neurons in the brain are intensively replaced and new neural connections are formed. Such complex processes actually erase memory. During adulthood, the death and formation of new nerve cells slows down significantly (but does not stop completely). Therefore, we best remember what happened to us as adults, when all the same neurons with the same connections are used.

Features of our memory

The answer to this can be found in the work of the 19th-century German psychologist Hermann Ebbinghaus, who conducted a number of pioneering studies on himself to reveal the limits of human memory. Through a series of experiments, he found that a person forgets what he has learned amazingly quickly. Without much effort, the human brain sifts out half of all new knowledge within an hour. By the end of the month, a person remembers only 2-3% of what he learned. Perhaps, during the period of mastering the most important skills, we forget everything that is not essential, concentrating on the skills that will ensure our survival in the future?

Society's attitude

Psychologist Qi Wang from Cornell University (USA) was also interested in this topic. She collected hundreds of memories in Chinese and American students to establish the nature of this phenomenon. An interesting fact emerged: the Americans had longer stories, while the Chinese spoke more concisely and with an emphasis on facts. In general, Chinese students' childhood memories began six months later. During the analysis, she found that if memories of childhood were vague, then the parents and culture were to blame. If society lets you know that these memories are important to you, you will keep them. The scientist found that memories begin to form first among young representatives of the New Zealand Maori people, who are characterized by great attention to the past. Many people remember what happened to them when they were only two and a half years old.

Language

Some psychologists believe that events begin to be stored in a person’s memory only after he has mastered speech. Language helps us structure our memories, putting them into narrative form. Therefore, when we master language skills, it becomes easier for us to remember the past. But many psychologists are skeptical about this theory, since children who, for example, are born deaf or grow up without knowing the language, remember themselves from about the same age.

Another interesting thing about first memories is our ability to make them up. We can allegedly remember those memories that either never happened to us, or we can reconstruct events from the stories of loved ones.

People can pick up ideas and begin to visualize them, making them indistinguishable from memories, says researcher Elizabeth Loftes.

A recent study by British scientists confirms this feature. Researchers asked more than six thousand volunteers different ages talk about their first memory and found that almost 40 percent of them occurred before the age of three. According to the authors of the work published in the journal Psychological Science, at this age, episodic memory memories are not yet formed, from which we can conclude that they are fictitious..

P. N. Pertsov. Memories.
The life story of a Russian entrepreneur who built a famous house in Moscow. Pyotr Nikolaevich was born into a poor noble family. But he chose to work in a promising field - railways. Memories start from childhood happy years on a small estate in the province, then a gymnasium, the Institute of Railways, work on state-owned railways. A small salary and difficulties in promotion force after a while to move into the commercial sphere. And things went well. Railways are developing, incomes are growing. There are lengthy passages in the book listing all sorts of business relationships. But interestingly, Pertsov did not engage in any corruption or kickbacks in his business; he won competitions due to his low price or good reputation. Although he mentions that there were crooks. Pertsov also experienced the revolution in business relations. This distinguishes him: no matter what problem appears, it must be solved according to the circumstances.

Nina Anosova. The light is still bright.
The book is of interest as a description of childhood at the beginning of the twentieth century. The author grew up in a “middle class” family, where there were good times and my stepfather’s big earnings, and there were also times without work, forced to save. In St. Petersburg, a girl goes to kindergarten, but it is expensive, at a private gymnasium. Elder sister gets into a good institute, which Empress Maria Feodorovna visits. Interesting description summer trips to relatives. A gymnasium in Mariupol, where the family is forced to move in search of work. Revolution and Civil War in the south of Russia. It’s very tragic how connections with relatives and friends are lost. People are running away from the war, wandering, hiding, and nothing is known - what happened to their beloved aunt or best friend. At the end of the book, the author, a fifteen-year-old girl, feels responsible for the fate of the family. We have to give up hope for the best and go abroad.

Olga Lodyzhenskaya. Contemporaries of the difficult century.
The author was born at the turn of the twentieth century into a poor noble family. My father died early, my mother rented apartments. The inheritance from my grandfather is an old manor in need of renovation. Relatives paid for Olga and her sister to study at a women's institute in Moscow. Perhaps the dreary atmosphere there, the tedious rules, created in the girls, as they say now, a “protest mood.” Both girls and their mother, still a young woman, met the revolution loyally and even began to support the Bolsheviks. In the Moscow region, where they lived, there were no horrors of the revolution. And the Bolsheviks they met were neutral, even fair. The family left the estate voluntarily because they did not want to work agriculture. Soon the girls get jobs in Soviet institutions, and then mom does too. They are interested new life. And they decide to go with the Red Army to help establish Soviet power. The memoirs end in 1927. “Then it only got worse,” writes the author.

Every night, suffering from insomnia, I replay in my head the same, already tired, scenario of our happy ending. Where did I miss? What did you do wrong? The intended, long-awaited happiness slipped away, as soon as we approached it, it seemed to slip through our fingers, leaving us alone with empty hopes. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and still couldn't get warm. I turned over on my other side, waiting for the touch of the strong hands that were squeezing my waist so tightly and demandingly pulling me towards them; It seemed to me that I was about to press myself against the hot body, feeling safe. The phantom was tangible, it was as if I again caught its scent filling my lungs, I heard a rapid heartbeat resounding so loudly in my ears, I felt the scorching breath of my lover on my skin. The memories, which began with a small ripple, were already sweeping me like a ten-force storm. I remembered every inch of his body. Hands. His long fingers ran up my back, feeling every vertebra; from light touch my body was covered with goosebumps, and when he roughly scratched my skin, digging into it with short nails, leaving red stripes, I arched, emitting a muffled moan. Completely dissolving in my own sensations, I lost touch with reality. It seemed to me that only the two of us existed. Me and my Harry. When he squeezed my hand, his soft velvety skin came into contact with my rough palm, in those moments I felt the happiest. And now, when I go home late at night, my hands are cold in the pockets of my felt coat. Eyes. That's probably what I love most about him. Large emerald eyes with dilated pupils. It seemed that one could drown in them, and this was the best prospect. Fluffy long eyelashes framing the eyes always trembled slightly from excessive noise. I could watch him for hours, even if he didn't do anything remarkable; watch his gaze, the way he frowns, and if we made eye contact, Harry instantly looked away, barely audibly muttering: “Why are you looking at me?”, to which I always answered him: “Because you’re beautiful,” after He could hardly restrain a smile from such words, visibly embarrassed. I loved him like that. And now I love it. Smile. In my memories he always smiles. His slightly plump lips curl into a casual and even lazy grin, revealing snow-white teeth. It was like I saw these wonderful dimples for the first time. The next moment he is already saying something and laughing, but I don’t hear. I want to kiss him. I reach out to touch his cheek, but the image dissolves. All that remains is air and ringing silence, which is already for a long time surrounds me. Hair. Soft chestnut curls that bounced funnyly while he ran or just walked at a fast pace. I always loved running my hands through them, pulling him towards me and inhaling the chocolate aroma mixing with caramel. I rolled my eyes blissfully - it was driving me crazy. I would like to do it again, but every time I just bumped into the cold pillow that lay next to my head. Perfectly fluffed, it had been untouched since he left, but still retained the faint scent of his hair. Harry. Lying in a cold bed, I still could not sleep, all my thoughts were mixed up and seemed to have fused into some kind of crystalline universe, and amazingly beautiful flashes of light flashed on its edges. Incredible distances that once made us happy opened up before me, and I smiled. The saddest smile in the world.

American writer and philologist died on June 15, 2014. Daniel Keyes. He passed away at the age of 86. His popularity was brought to him by the novels Flowers for Algernon and Multiple Minds Billy Milligan,” whom I personally met three years ago. They left the most strong impressions and a lot of reasons for thought. May Daniel Keyes rest in peace, let us honor his memory, and remember his novels. I have already written short reviews in honor of his creations, which I will share with you below.

Daniel Keyes is the only author to win two of English-language science fiction's most prestigious awards for two works with the same title. In 1960, the story “Flowers for Algernon” was awarded the Hugo Award, and in 1966, the novel of the same name, based on it, received the Nebula Award.

The Many Minds of Billy Milligan (1981) is based on real story and tells the story of a man who is acquitted of his crimes because he suffered from multiple personality disorder. Billy Milligan is one of the most famous people with a diagnosis of “multiple personality” in the history of psychiatry (24 full-fledged personalities)

"Flowers for Algernon"

This story is about a mentally retarded man. His name is Charlie. He is calm and peaceful and works in a bakery. His “friends” laugh at him all the time, but he is only happy because he brings them joy. Thinks they love him. So he lived carefree until they decided to conduct a neurosurgical experiment on him - the same operation was performed on a mouse named Algernon, with whom he became good friends. After that he really became smart. No. He became simply a genius! He always wanted to be like this, he tried very hard. But after that things weren't so simple.

“I’m learning to hold back my resentment, to be more patient, to wait. I'm growing. Every day I learn something new about myself, and memories that begin with a small ripple overwhelm me with a ten-force storm.”

Terrible memories from the past, a desire to find out everything. There are many life problems and difficulties with certain things: relationships, self-knowledge, friendship, love, sex, struggle with oneself. He needed to understand his “I”. Find out the main thing - who is Charlie Gordon really?

“Yes, I’m awkward, but only because I’ve never found myself in such circumstances before. How does a person know how to behave with another person? How does a man know how to behave with a woman? Books are of little use. Next time I’ll definitely kiss her.”

An incredible story in which you are completely immersed and feel the state of the main character. For the first time I see deliberate spelling errors used in literature - this helps to understand as best as possible what is happening to a person and how his personality develops. Everything is so touching that it is often impossible to hold back without shedding a tear. I recommend reading it. There is something for everyone here. It is not surprising that this book is included in the compulsory reading program in American schools.

This grandiose story has amazing psychological power and makes you think about many life values.

"The Many Minds of Billy Milligan"

At one time there were rumors about a popular book that told about real existing person with a split personality. And what’s wrong with that, I thought, there are thousands like him all over the world. But when I found out that this character has about two dozen of these “images”, he was surprised and skeptical about this information. But over time, I started reading Daniel Keyes’ book “The Many Minds of Billy Milligan.” Interest was fueled by information that this story is supported by a foundation with real-life events.

The mysterious story of Billy is very interesting, read in one sitting. But it's still sad and scary. Just imagine that your body is controlled by 23 more personalities - and all this is outside your awareness. You don’t understand what happened to you the whole time you were “sleeping.” Even when one person can observe the actions of another, it is even more terrible, because you do not control anything and observe your actions as if from the side and through a fog. Daniel Keyes was amazing at describing everything - you can easily imagine these 24 personalities, each with their own experiences and views on life.

Kevin. One of Billy Milligan's personalities: “We know that a world without pain is a world without feelings... but a world without feelings is a world without pain.”

P.S. After the book was published, in 1991 Milligan was declared “in one piece” and released. In the 90s, he made films, painted pictures, studied programming, physics, and mathematics. He was a genius, but he was still a split personality (as he himself admitted). So I wonder what’s wrong with him now? What is he like now? They say that nothing has been heard about him and his exact location is unknown.

Work on the film "The Crowded Room" about the life of Billy Milligan has been constantly suspended and there is no reliable information about whether it will even be released. Something incredible and mysterious is constantly happening around this man.