How to express your feelings in simple and clear words in order to convey to the patient the full strength of your desire to help? How to formulate wishes for recovery in order to help a person at the time of trial? Probably best in order

sort out your thoughts, then the words will come.

Wishes for a loved one to get well

Everything is simple here. When contact is established, it is much easier to express feelings. You just need to take into account the nuances of the situation so that instead of relieving the person, you don’t pour salt on the wound. Start with how valuable the person is to you. Say a few words of sympathy, or better yet, empathy. Now tell me how happy you will be when the illness goes away.

Dear mommy! Beloved, dearest! It’s so wonderful to see your smile, to know that you are cheerful and healthy. Your illnesses are temporary, but I really want to take all your pain away from you so that I can hear your joyful voice again! Get well soon! You are the strongest and bravest, you could always save us, your children, from the worst nightmares! And we will definitely help you!

Beloved son! My sun! Get better quickly, and you and I will go to fabulous distances to look for magical adventures! There is no illness that could stop such a strong man like you for a long time!

Get well wishes to an employee (boss)

When you need to say a few words to someone outside your circle of close friends, you should take some precautions. If you are not entirely aware of his affairs, then it is better to speak (write) general words. Keep in mind that a careless phrase can greatly hurt a person, worsening his general condition, and therefore slow down his recovery.

Dear... The team strongly feels your absence from work. No one but you can decide so easily and simply difficult questions, constantly bombarding our organization. We miss your wise advice and sparkling jokes. I really want to see you quickly in full health and shake your courageous hand! We wish you good health, and may this illness, which you will undoubtedly overcome, be your last. Let the series happy years will replace the current ill health!

Dear... Everyone sends you warm greetings and wishes for a speedy recovery. We are with you in spirit, supporting you in your current trial. We sincerely worry about you, we look forward to your speedy recovery! Without yours original ideas We can't do the job! Please accept our heartfelt wishes for a quick victory over the disease! May life please you with health and happiness!

Wishes for recovery after surgery

Dear... You have faced a serious test. We empathize with you and hope that the strength of your spirit will overcome adverse circumstances. You will definitely get better! We wish you not to lose optimism! Let adversity dissipate like morning fog, and the bright sun of happiness light up again on your horizon!

Wishes for a speedy recovery to your loved one

The person closest to you needs to speak sincerely, and He already knows how many worries you have. Just say you love it, it's always appropriate. The energy of this word is sometimes better than any medicine. For example: “My beloved! When you feel bad, not a single star lights up in the sky. All of them, just like the Sun, yearn with me! Get well as soon as possible. Don't leave the planet without light! I sincerely ask for your health to return to its owner!”

A woman draws vital energy from nature, a man receives energy from a woman. You can return what you received and, accordingly, establish energy exchange with the help of gifts. There is a pattern: everything given to a woman will be returned to her lover tenfold. But greedy men close the energy flow on themselves, and their business becomes stagnant. And vice versa - generous men achieve a lot: their women easily part with their energy for the sake of their loved one, and it increases his strength and power.

How to support a man?

Men don't like being given advice or sympathy without asking. They want to be trusted. Men need to constantly assert themselves. They get a lot of pleasure from achieving something on their own. A man feels supported when a Woman tells him something like: “I believe in you, that you can handle it on your own. I trust you with this until you openly ask for help.”

Many women believe that the only way to achieve what they want in a relationship with a Man is to criticize him when he is wrong and give advice when he does not ask for it. A woman often has no idea that she can motivate a man to do something, just by asking him about it directly, without criticism or advice. If a Woman doesn't like the way a Man behaves, she should tell him so directly, without judging him or saying that he is wrong or that he is bad.

There are three magic words who can support the Man: “It’s not your fault.” When a Woman shares her sorrows with a Man, she will be very supportive if she says: “I really appreciate that you listen to me. If you think that I’m blaming you, then I’m not - I’m just sharing with you what I feel.”

The fact is that a Man often perceives as an accusation that a Woman innocently tells him about her disappointments - this instantly blocks communication and negatively affects the relationship. It's important to remember that good communication requires the participation of both parties. A man should not forget that complaints are not accusations, and when a Woman complains, she is simply trying to relieve tension by talking about what upsets her. And it is important for a Woman to let a Man know that she appreciates him, despite all her complaints.

Men are very upset when they do not require them to solve a problem, because they need to feel good in every sense. By letting a Man know that he is helping her a lot, simply by listening to her, a Woman opens his eyes to her nature and at the same time gives him a reason for self-affirmation, which is so precious for a Man.

In order to support the Man, A woman should not suppress her feelings or change them. However, it is important for her to learn to express them in such a way that the Man does not feel that he is being attacked, blamed or judged. A small change in the internal emphasis in expressing feelings can give amazing results!

John Gray

WHAT A MAN WANTS FROM A WOMAN

✔I want you to listen to me, but not judge me.
✔ I want you to speak up without giving me advice unless I ask.
✔ I want you to trust me without demanding anything.
✔ I want you to be my support without trying to decide for me.
✔ I want you to take care of me, but not treat me like a mother to her son.
✔ I want you to look at me without trying to achieve something from me.
✔ I want you to hug me, but not strangle me.
✔ I want you to encourage me, but not lie.
✔ I want you to support me in the conversation, but not answer for me.
✔ I want you to be closer, but leave me personal space.
✔ I want you to know about my unattractive traits, accept them and not try to change them.
✔ I want you to know... that you can count on me... Without limits.

Jorge Bucay

PHRASES that can have a striking effect on men:

1. My Beloved (this is IMPORTANT: do not use the word - Dear, this word no longer contains the necessary information. On the contrary, this word in relation to a man has a glamorous and mannered connotation);
2. Strong (I think comments are unnecessary here)
3. The most courageous (the main thing is to say with complete absence irony)
4. You are the best (an awesome phrase, it works for almost all types of men of any age)
5. Sexy (Oh yeah!)
6. Smart (amazing effect - the word is bomb!)
7. Generous (Real men believe that they are like this, however, so do fake Jews)
8. Smart girl, well done (don’t be shy: use these words generously and often, and you will be happy!)
9. Unsurpassed (in a specific matter)
10. Awesome
11. I feel so good with you (maybe after intimacy, maybe just like that, great phrase, which can never be enough!);
12. You turn me on (and also “insert” me - and to be honest, this is a treasure for close relationships, a hook phrase);
13. I miss you so much (a good phrase if you are apart);
14. I admire you (no comments!)
15. I love you so much (often, often, constantly tell HIM this phrase, believe me - it works!)
16. You know how to make me laugh (strange, but eternal boys like this crazy phrase, tested it on my own!)
17. Only you understand me (Often, with soulful intonation, the result will be excellent!)
18. You know me inside and out (A wonderful phrase that creates trust, the main thing is not to do the opposite, otherwise it won’t work)
19. You are the only one for me (Let's please their male ego!)
20. I adore your touch (Let them learn, dear and beloved, it will be useful for them where a woman is pleased and where she is not)
21. I’m behind you like behind a stone wall (Once a week is an excellent frequency of use)
22. I breathe you (you can change the ending to “I live”)
23. I can’t imagine what I would do without you (As they (men) dream about this, so more often, with the right intonation and tenderness in their eyes.)
24. I feel so calm next to you (same effect as in the phrase “stone wall”)
25. You are so gallant (subtle compliment)
26. I’m so happy with you (A great phrase used by 90% of the male population)
27. I don’t want you to ever stop loving me (small suggestion)
28. I can’t stop admiring you (Psychologists say that men are more likely than beautiful ladies look in the mirror, which means it works!)
29. I will love you forever (No need for pathos, it’s better to say “always”)
30. I miss your hugs (Great phrase that works 100% when you're apart)
31. I ask for forgiveness (works 100%, no need to beg him to forgive, say 150 empty words, better say it)
32. You are so insatiable (Men dream of being like this, so let’s tell them THIS!)
33. I feel so lonely without you ( Good energy, often tell him this on the phone, in letters, SMS)
34. I can’t wait to see you (Logically, it’s worth a try, most likely he will “eat it”)
35. I miss you so much (on the phone, in a letter - amazing effect)
36. I don't need anything but your love. (Yes, yes, cool wording, here you are hinting that he is needed as he is, without a car, apartment, etc. They appreciate it.)
37. I trust you in everything ( Nice phrase, works)
38. I will follow you to the ends of the earth (You can also use “earth”, “planet”)
39. You are my prince on a white horse (or on a Mercedes. Use only in relation to a loved one)
40. Just be with me (yes, these boys still believe in “just”)
41. I am so grateful to you for everything you have done for me (works well, proven phrase, works 100 percent)
42. I want to be with you forever (Oddly enough, despite some pathos, this is a phrase that many men fall for. Try it.)
43. I want to wake up next to you every morning (Chic magnet, go for it, girls!)
44. The thought of being separated from you kills me (sometimes this is possible, if it’s infrequent and to the point!)
45. I have never loved anyone so much! (Don’t say this very often, otherwise the man begins to think, how many of them were there, these same “nobodies”, and why did she put this together, and what if...? Well, in general, you understand!)
46. ​​You know how to be so gentle (great phrase, let them believe it and become more gentle, dorks!)
47. Your kisses drive me crazy (let him try more often)
48. I go crazy when you look at me like that (Let him look more often and more closely, this will only benefit us)
49. When you leave I feel so bad (sometimes, but not very often, it can be used)
50. I couldn’t even dream that I could meet you (yes, a hook phrase)
51. My life became bright when I met you (Effective, worth using)
52. I don’t have enough words to express how much I love you (Phrase-lighter in a relationship, say once a week or a little less often)
53. You are the man of my dreams (Oh yes! The logical conclusion of this worthy list of phrases, frequency - approximately once every 5-7 days, no more often).

It so happened that in our time every a person, one way or another, is faced with a disease such as oncology. To become involved in this disease, it is not at all necessary to become ill yourself. Either a family member or a friend can face the “internal enemy” - cancer. What to do in such a situation? How to support a patient? How to motivate yourself to get better? What words should you find and which words should you absolutely not say when talking to a cancer patient?

A loved one is sick, what should I do?

This publication is exclusively positive. This story is about faith, about an exceptional and undeniable faith in recovery.

Be that as it may, no matter what diagnoses are made, no matter what stage the disease progresses to, it is important to remember one thing - people have been healed from cancer of any organ and at any stage!

• You can listen to the forecasts, you can believe them or not, but miracles really do happen, so the focus in communicating with a sick person needs to be kept on this and to fuel faith in him in this vein.
• Yes, people died from cancer, but ours close person alive and NOBODY, absolutely no one can say which of us will depart into the next world at what hour and from what! In general, you should not think about the fact that he will die, or talk to him about death. By discarding dark thoughts, it will be easier to motivate a person to a favorable outcome.
• How important is support for a person when he suddenly finds himself in a situation that he considers the worst event of his life! Do you want to help? Then you need to carve out free time for this very support (calling, walking, communicating on the Internet, collecting missing funds for treatment, accompanying you to a doctor, to church, etc.). Support. This is what a person suffering from such a serious illness needs.

What should you not say to a cancer patient?

• Under no circumstances should you tell a person general phrases like “hang in there” and “everything will be fine.” There will be one reaction to this - irritation, bitterness. What to hold on to? What can be good when you are sick? Here, generally accepted words are not helpful. It’s better to start the conversation right away with positive statistics.
• "You look bad". Nothing more vile can be imagined in this situation; support is good, especially in the case of the fair sex. It’s better not to say anything at all, only if the patient asks, and you can reassure with words like: “your hair will grow back,” “you’ve become so slim,” “after treatment, everyone will get in shape, you’ll be as good as new.” The most good news that this is how it really is.
• You should not talk about your fun and active entertainment, parties, especially if they don’t ask about it. A person suffering from cancer would most like to return to a full life, so there is no need to stress him out in vain. It's like giving skates to a person with a broken wrist. three places foot.
• If a patient is unable to eat due to illness, or is unable to do so, then there is no need to talk to him about your gatherings at a sushi restaurant, banquets, or food in general. We avoid all topics that may cause a feeling of inferiority in a loved one, we include a sense of tact, in the end.
• Away with tears and sour looks. Well, the patient will not get better from your weakness.
• Patience and more patience, an unhealthy person can be very irritable and even rude, even rejecting help or forgiving so as not to be pitied. In this case, we help and feel sorry for you delicately and completely unobtrusively.

Complex actions

You can help your friend or girlfriend create an action plan to overcome an unpleasant illness and stick to it.

1. Faith and motivation

a) believe in recovery;

b) constantly motivate the patient for a successful outcome of treatment.

2. Get treatment

Do not deny traditional medicine, do not let the disease take its course, because this is not some kind of runny nose, therapy, and sometimes surgery, are simply necessary.

Many patients, along with traditional medicine, were often saved by all kinds of natural remedies. All kinds of herbs, tinctures, decoctions, bee products and even live crayfish are used. You just have to approach folk treatment with great responsibility, because health is at stake. Try to get the necessary information together.

3. Forgive

If everything is clear on the first two points, then the third needs clarification. The thing is that any disease is a consequence of some events. If you delve deeper into the problem, you can find the conclusions of psychologists that, for example, tumors appear because of grievances, our very deep grievances. You can be offended by someone specific person, and to your bitter fate. Also experts human souls They say that you should not “cling on” to the past, you need to let it go in order to heal.

When helping a loved one cope with cancer, you can tell him to not only try his best, but to forgive his offenders with all his heart. Resentments “hang” like heavy weights on a person, bringing him severe pain.

4. Go to church

When you study the stories of those who have recovered, you very often come across stories that the disease subsided after the patient began to visit churches and monasteries. In many major cities there are especially revered ones miraculous icons By applying to them, people received the long-awaited healing and then wrote to the abbots of the temples about their happiness at the final victory over the disease.

5. Affirmations

Together you can create positive attitudes (Affirmations), which the patient must repeat ad infinitum (until he recovers).

6. Wonderful stories

Collect from friends and around the world more stories victory over oncology, constantly tell a loved one about all this, and even better, introduce it to a recovered patient.

Trying to find more cases of recovery on the Internet, especially from the most severe stages of cancer, it is worth understanding that not every recovered person or his relative will trumpet this to the whole world. Why? Yes, in order to simply “not jinx it,” so while you’re navigating virtual spaces, you need to sometimes remember this.

7. Laughter

Watch comedies. Laughter heals, so it’s worth downloading all the best comedies that you can find on the Internet and letting someone who is sick watch it. Or better yet, watch the movie together and have a good laugh at the funny moments. It has long been proven that positive emotions can cure anything!

8. The goal is the future

The past has no meaning, there is no point in looking into it and making the patient sad. Instead, talk about the future, make plans, help you dream. It is better to conduct all conversations in the spirit of “when you recover, then...”, “after recovery...”, “imagine how your life will change for the better after recovery, because you will appreciate every moment healthy life..." and other phrases based on such sentiments.

When you express your thoughts in this way, the corresponding “pictures” begin to emerge in the subconscious and simply come true, which is why it is so important not to allow negative thoughts into your head even for a second.

9. Get busy

The course of the disease varies; some patients can continue to work in their usual position, combining work with treatment. Being busy with something is very good, it involuntarily distracts you from heavy thoughts, fears and thoughts.

If treatment and work cannot be combined in any way, for example, due to poor health, true friend can help keep the patient busy. Fortunately, we now live in an age of information abundance. Invite the patient to gain some new knowledge via the Internet, maybe register on a thematic forum, or even master an Internet profession, or learn the Italian language by constantly listening to audio lessons. Any new hobby, knowledge, change of activity can help a person get back on his feet and overcome the disease.

10. Ask for help

Here's another one effective way, which helps patients feel the strength to move mountains. All you need to do is pretend to be weak and really ask for advice or help in something from an unhealthy friend. When a person realizes that he, being sick, can help someone, this greatly inspires him and gives him energy to fight.

Summary of the article:

• Translate your loved one's gaze to a miracle, to healing.
• Smile at the patient.
• Show attention, text more often and support your friend in this difficult moment. In grief, the hardest thing is to realize that no one needs you. Support is one of the greatest things you can think of, and more often than not it is moral support.
• Tell a cancer patient how to work on psychological reasons that could cause illness.
• Look for and tell stories that ended in complete recovery.
• Turn to religion.
• Try to cheer up, make you smile.
• Help to believe in a happy future, repeat about it.
• Keep a person busy with something.

Fighting cancer requires no little effort and time, but if there is a person nearby who is ready to help, support, and share fears and concerns, then things will go faster. Help each other, and then the world will be more beautiful.

In life we ​​often face various obstacles. This could be job loss, illness, death of a family member, financial troubles. At such a moment, it is difficult for a person to find the strength within himself and move on. He so needs support at this moment, a friendly shoulder, warm words. How to choose the right words of support that can really help a person in difficult times?

Expressions that should not be used

There are a number of common phrases that first come to mind when you need to support someone. It's better not to say these words:

1. Don't worry!

1. Everything will work out! Everything will be fine!

At a time when the world has collapsed, this sounds like a mockery. The man is faced with the fact that he does not know how to solve his problem. He needs to think about how to fix everything. He is not sure that the situation will turn out in his favor and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how will the empty statement that everything will work out help? Such words sound even more blasphemous if your friend has lost a loved one.

1. Do not Cry!

Tears are natural way the body cope with stress. You need to let the person cry, speak out, and give free rein to their emotions. He will feel better. Just hug and be close.

1. There is no need to give examples of people who are even worse off

A person who has lost his job and has nothing to feed his family does not care at all that children are starving somewhere in Africa. To someone who has just learned about serious diagnosis, cancer mortality statistics are not very interesting. You should also not give examples that relate to mutual friends.

When trying to support a loved one, remember that this moment he is morally depressed by his problem. You need to carefully select your expressions so as not to accidentally offend or touch on a sore subject. Let's figure out how to support a person.

Words that will help you survive the turning point

When our loved ones find themselves in difficult situations, we are lost and often do not know how to behave. But words spoken at the right moment can inspire, console, and restore faith in oneself. The following phrases will help you feel your support:

1. We will get through this together.

In difficult times, it is important to know that you are not alone. Let your loved one feel that you are not indifferent to his grief and that you are ready to share all the difficulties with him.

1. I understand how you feel.

When you are in trouble, it is important to be heard. It's good to have someone nearby who understands you. If you have found yourself in a similar situation, tell us about it. Share your thoughts and emotions at that moment. But there is no need to tell how you heroically dealt with the situation. Just let them know that you have been in your friend's shoes. But you got through it and he will get through it too.

1. Time will pass and it will become easier.

Indeed, this is a fact. We no longer even remember many of the troubles in life that happened to us a year or two ago. All troubles remain in the past. Sooner or later we find a replacement for a betrayed friend or unhappy love. Financial problems are also gradually being resolved. Can be found new job, pay off a loan, cure a disease or alleviate its symptoms. Even sadness from the death of a loved one passes over time. It is important to survive the moment of shock and move on.

1. You've been in worse situations. And nothing, you did it!

Surely your friend has already faced obstacles in life and found a way out of them. Remind him that he is a strong, courageous person and is capable of solving any problem. Cheer him up. Show him that he can survive this difficult moment with dignity.

1. It's not your fault what happened.

The feeling of guilt for what happened is the first thing that prevents you from looking at the situation soberly. Let your loved one know that this is how the circumstances developed and anyone else could have been in his place. There is no point in looking for those responsible for the trouble; you need to try to solve the problem.

1. Is there anything I can do for you?

Perhaps your friend needs help, but doesn't know who to turn to. Or he doesn't feel comfortable saying it. Take the initiative.

1. Tell him that you admire his endurance and fortitude.

When a person is morally depressed by difficult circumstances, such words inspire. They are able to restore a person’s faith in their own strength.

1. Don't worry, I'll be there right away!

These are the most important words that each of us wants to hear at a turning point. Everyone needs someone close and understanding nearby. Don't leave your loved one alone!

Help your friend approach the situation with humor. Every drama has a little comedy. Defuse the situation. Laugh together at the girl who dumped him, or at the pompous director who fired him from his job. This will allow you to look at the situation in a more optimistic light. After all, everything can be solved and corrected while we are alive.

The best support is to be there

The main thing we say is not with words, but with our actions. A sincere hug, a timely handkerchief or napkin, or a glass of water can say more than you think.

Transfer some of the household issues to yourself. Provide all possible assistance. After all, at the moment of shock, a person is not even able to cook dinner, go to the grocery store, or pick up children from kindergarten. If your friend has lost a family member, help with funeral arrangements. Make the necessary arrangements and just be there.

Gently shift the person's attention to something mundane that is not related to their grief. Keep him busy with something. Invite to the cinema, order pizza. Find a reason to get outside and take a walk.

Sometimes silence is better than any, even the most sincere words. Listen to your friend, let him speak out, express his emotions. Let him talk about his pain, about how confused and depressed he is. Don't interrupt him. Let him say his problem out loud as many times as necessary. This will help you look at the situation from the outside and see solutions. And you just be close to your loved one in a difficult moment for him.

Olga, St. Petersburg

“A woman calls me and says: “The doctors have diagnosed my mother with cancer. How can I tell her about this?! She doesn’t know anything,” says a psychologist, oncology patient, and founder of the “Live” group for helping people with cancer, about a case from her practice. Inna Malash.

Inna Malash. Photo from the archive of the heroine of the publication.

“I ask: “How do you yourself feel as you experience this event?” In response, he cries. After a pause: “I didn’t think I felt so much. The main thing was to support my mother.”

But only after you touch your experiences will the answer to the question appear: how and when to talk to your mother.

The experiences of relatives and cancer patients are the same: fear, pain, despair, powerlessness... They can give way to hope and determination, and then return again. But relatives often deny themselves the right to feelings: “This is bad for my loved one - he is sick, it’s harder for him than for me.” It seems that your emotions are easier to control and ignore. After all, it is so difficult to be around when a loved one is crying. When he is scared and talks about death. I want to stop him, calm him down, assure him that everything will be fine. And it is at this point that either intimacy or distance begins.

What cancer patients really expect from their loved ones and how relatives can avoid ruining their lives in an attempt to save someone else’s is in our conversation.

The best thing is to be yourself

— Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression — loved ones and the cancer patient go through the same stages of accepting the diagnosis. But the stages during which the cancer patient and her relatives live may not coincide. And then the feelings enter into dissonance. At this moment, when there are no or very few resources for support, it is difficult to understand and agree with the desires of the other.

Then relatives are looking for information on how to “correctly” talk to a person who has cancer. This “right” thing is necessary for loved ones as support - they want to protect a loved one, save them from painful experiences, and not face their own powerlessness. But the paradox is that there is no “right” one. Everyone will have to look for their own, unique way of understanding in the dialogue. And this is not easy, because cancer patients develop a special sensitivity, a special perception of words. The best thing to do is to be yourself. This is probably the hardest thing.

“I know for sure: you need to change your treatment regimen/diet/attitude to life - and you will get better.”

Why do loved ones like to give such advice? The answer is obvious - to do the best - to keep the situation under control, to correct it. In fact: family and friends who are faced with the fear of death and their own vulnerability, with the help of these tips, want to control tomorrow and all subsequent days. This helps to cope with your own anxiety and powerlessness.

Giving advice on treatment, lifestyle, nutrition, relatives mean: “I love you. I'm afraid to lose you. I really want to help you, I’m looking for options and I want you to try everything to make it easier for you.” And the cancer patient hears: “I know exactly what you need!” And then the woman feels that no one takes her wishes into account, everyone knows better what to do... As if she inanimate object. As a result, the cancer patient withdraws and withdraws from loved ones.

“Be strong!”

What do we mean when we say to a cancer patient “hang in there!” or “be strong!”? In other words, we want to tell her: “I want you to live and overcome the disease!” But she hears this phrase differently: “You are alone in this struggle. You have no right to be afraid, to be weak!” At this moment she feels isolation, loneliness - her experiences are not accepted.

Photo: blog.donga.com

"Calm down"

WITH early childhood we are taught to control our feelings: “Don’t be too happy, so that you don’t have to cry,” “Don’t be afraid, you’re already big.” But they don’t teach you to be close to those who experience strong feelings: Cries or gets angry, talks about his fears, especially the fear of death.

And at this moment it usually sounds: “Don’t cry! Calm down! Don't talk nonsense! What have you got into your head?”

We want to avoid the avalanche of grief, but the cancer patient hears: “You can’t behave this way, I don’t accept you like this, you’re alone.” She feels guilty and ashamed - why share this if those close to her do not accept her feelings.

“You look good!”

“You look good!”, or “You can’t even tell that you’re sick” - it seems natural to compliment a woman who is going through the ordeal of illness. We want to say: “You are doing great, you are still yourself! I want to cheer you up." And a woman undergoing chemotherapy sometimes feels after these words like a malingerer who needs to prove her poor health. It would be great to give compliments and at the same time ask how she really feels.

"Everything will be fine"

In this phrase, it is easy for a person who is sick to feel that the other person is not interested in how things really are. After all, a cancer patient has a different reality; today he faces uncertainty, difficult treatment, recovery period. Relatives think they need positive attitudes. But they repeat them out of their own fear and anxiety. The cancer patient perceives “everything will be fine” with deep sadness, and she does not want to share what is in her heart.

Talk about your fears

As a kitten named Woof said: “Let’s be afraid together!” It’s very difficult to be frank: “Yes, I’m very scared too. But I’m close”, “I also feel pain and want to share it with you”, “I don’t know how it will be, but I hope for our future.” If it’s a friend: “I’m really sorry this happened. Tell me, will you be supported if I call or write to you? I can whine and complain.”

Not only words, but also silence can be healing. Just imagine how much it is: when there is someone nearby who accepts all your pain, doubts, sorrows and all the despair that you have. Doesn’t say “calm down”, doesn’t promise that “everything will be fine”, and doesn’t tell how it is for others. He's just there, he holds your hand, and you feel his sincerity.

Photo: vesti.dp.ua

Talking about death is as difficult as talking about love

Yes, it’s very scary to hear from a loved one the phrase: “I’m afraid to die.” The first reaction is to object: “What are you talking about!” Or stop: “Don’t even talk about it!” Or ignore: “Let’s go breathe better air, eat healthy food and restore white blood cells.”

But this will not stop the cancer patient from thinking about death. She will simply experience this alone, alone with herself.

It is more natural to ask: “What do you think about death? How do you feel about it? What do you want and how do you see it? After all, thoughts about death are thoughts about life, about time that you want to spend on the most valuable and important things.

In our culture, death and everything connected with it - funerals, preparation for them - is a taboo topic. Recently, one of the cancer patients said: “I’m probably crazy, but I want to talk to my husband about what kind of funeral I want.” Why abnormal? I see this as caring for loved ones - the living. After all, that same “last will” is what the living need most. There is so much unspoken love in this - it is as difficult to talk about it as death.

And if a loved one who has cancer wants to talk to you about death, do so. Of course, this is incredibly difficult: at this moment, your fear of death is very strong - that’s why you want to get away from such a conversation. But all feelings, including fear, pain, despair, have their own volume. And they end if you speak them out. Sharing such difficult feelings makes our lives authentic.

Photo: pitstophealth.com

Cancer and children

It seems to many that children do not understand anything when loved ones are sick. They really don't understand everything. But everyone feels, picks up on the slightest changes in the family and really needs explanations. And if there are no explanations, they begin to show their anxiety: phobias, nightmares, aggression, decreased performance at school, withdrawal from computer games. Often this the only way for the child to convey that he is also worried. But adults often do not understand this right away, because life has changed a lot - there are a lot of worries, a lot of emotions. And then they begin to shame: “How are you behaving, mom is already feeling bad, but you...”. Or blame: “Because you did this, mom got even worse.”

Adults can distract themselves, support themselves with their hobbies, going to the theater, meeting with friends. But children are deprived of this opportunity due to their limited life experience. It’s good if they at least somehow act out their fears and loneliness: they draw horror films, graves and crosses, play funerals... But even in this case, how do adults react? They are scared, confused and do not know what to tell the child.

"Mom just left"

I know a case where a preschool child was not explained what was happening to his mother. Mom was sick, and the disease progressed. The parents decided not to traumatize the child, rented an apartment, and the child began to live with his grandmother. They simply explained to him that his mother had left. While mom was alive, she called him, and then, when she died, dad returned. The boy was not at the funeral, but he sees: grandma is crying, dad is not able to talk to him, periodically everyone leaves somewhere, is silent about something, they moved and changed kindergarten. How does he feel? Despite all the assurances of my mother’s love, there was betrayal on her part, a lot of anger. Strong resentment that he was abandoned. He feels the loss of contact with his loved ones: they are hiding something from him, and he no longer trusts them. Isolation - having no one to talk to about your feelings, because everyone is immersed in their experiences and no one explains what happened. I don’t know what happened to this boy, but I was never able to convince the father to talk to the child about his mother. It was not possible to convey that children are very worried and often blame themselves when incomprehensible changes occur in the family. I know what for small child This is a very difficult loss. But grief subsides when it is shared. He didn't have such an opportunity.

Photo: gursesintour.com

“You can’t have fun - mom is sick”

Because adults do not ask children about how they feel or explain the changes at home, children begin to look for the reason within themselves. One boy, junior schoolboy, he only hears that his mother is sick - he needs to behave quietly and not upset her in any way.

And this boy tells me: “Today I played with my friends at school, it was fun. And then I remembered - my mother is sick, I can’t have fun!”

What should you tell your child in this situation? “Yes, mom is sick - and it’s very sad, but it’s great that you have friends! It’s great that you had fun and will be able to tell your mom something good when you get home.”

We talked to him, 10 years old, not only about joy, but about envy, about anger towards others when they do not understand what is wrong with him and how things are going at home. About how sad and lonely he gets. I felt that I was not with a little boy, but with a wise adult.

“How are you behaving?!”

I remember a teenage boy who heard somewhere that cancer was transmitted by airborne droplets. None of the adults talked to him about this or said that this was not so. And when his mother wanted to hug him, he stepped back and said: “Don’t hug me, I don’t want to die later.”

And the adults condemned him very much: “How are you behaving! How cowardly you are! This is your mother!

The boy was left alone with all his experiences. How much pain, guilt towards his mother and unexpressed love he had left.

I explained to my family that his reaction was natural. He is not a child, but not yet an adult! Despite the man's voice and mustache! It is very difficult to cope with such a great loss on your own. I ask my father: “What do you think about death?” And I understand that he himself is afraid to even say the word death. What is easier to deny than to admit its existence, one’s powerlessness in front of it. There is so much pain, so much fear, sadness and despair in this that he wants to silently lean on his son. It is impossible to rely on a frightened teenager - and that’s why such words came out. I really believe that they were able to talk to each other and find mutual support in their grief.

Cancer and parents

Elderly parents often live in their own information field, where the word “cancer” is tantamount to death. They begin to mourn their child immediately after they learn his diagnosis - they come, are silent and cry.

This causes great anger in the sick woman - after all, she is alive and focused on fighting. But she feels that her mother does not believe in her recovery. I remember one of my cancer patients said to her mother: “Mom, go away. I didn't die. You mourn me as if I were dead, but I am alive.”

The second extreme: if remission occurs, the parents are sure that there was no cancer. “I know, Lucy had cancer - so she went straight to the next world, but you pah-pah-pah, you’ve already been living for five years - it’s as if the doctors made a mistake!” This causes great resentment: my struggle has been devalued. I went through a difficult path, but my mother cannot appreciate it and accept it.

Cancer and men

Boys are raised to be strong from childhood: not to cry, not to complain, to be a support. Men feel like fighters on the front line: even among friends it is difficult for them to talk about how they feel because of their wife’s illness. They want to run away—for example, from the room of the woman they love—because their own emotional container is full. It is also difficult for them to meet her emotions - anger, tears, powerlessness.

They try to control their condition by distancing themselves, going to work, and sometimes drinking alcohol. A woman perceives this as indifference and betrayal. It often happens that this is not the case at all. The eyes of these seemingly calm men betray all the pain that they cannot express.

Men show love and care in their own way: they take care of everything. Clean the house, do homework with your child, bring your loved one groceries, go to another country to get medicine. But just sitting next to her, taking her hand and seeing her tears, even if they are tears of gratitude, is unbearably difficult. It’s as if they don’t have enough safety margin for this. Women need warmth and presence so much that they begin to reproach them for callousness, say that they are distant, and demand attention. And the man moves away even more.

Husbands of cancer patients rarely come to see a psychologist. Often it’s easy to just ask how to behave with your wife in such a difficult situation. Sometimes, before talking about their wife’s illness, they can talk about anything - work, children, friends. It takes time for them to start talking about something they really care deeply about. I am very grateful to them for their courage: there is no greater courage than admitting sadness and powerlessness.

The actions of the husbands of cancer patients who wanted to support their wives aroused my admiration. For example, to support their wives during chemotherapy, husbands also cut their hair bald or shaved their mustaches, which they valued more than their hair, because they had not parted with them since they were 18 years old.

Photo: kinopoisk.ru, still from the film “Ma Ma”

You cannot be responsible for the feelings and lives of others

Why are we afraid of the emotions of a cancer patient? In fact, we are afraid to face our experiences that will arise when a loved one begins to talk about pain, suffering, fear. Everyone responds with their own pain, and not with the pain of someone else. Indeed, when a loved one is in pain, you may experience powerlessness and despair, shame and guilt. But they are yours! And it’s your responsibility how to handle them - suppress, ignore or live. Having feelings is the ability to be alive. It's not the other person's fault that you feel this way. And vice versa. You cannot be responsible for other people's feelings and their lives.

Why is she silent about the diagnosis?

Does a cancer patient have the right not to tell her family about her illness? Yes. This is her personal decision at the moment. She might change her mind later, but that's the way it is now. There may be reasons for this.

Care and love. Fear of hurting. She doesn't want to hurt you, your dear ones.

Feelings of guilt and shame. Often, cancer patients feel guilty for getting sick, for the fact that everyone is worried, and who knows what else!.. And they also feel a huge sense of shame: she turned out to be “not what she should be, not like other healthy people.” , and she needs time to process these very difficult feelings.

Fear that they will not hear and will insist on their own. Of course, one could say honestly: “I’m sick, I’m very worried and I want to be alone now, but I appreciate and love you.” But this sincerity is more difficult for many than silence, because there is often a negative experience.

Photo: i2.wp.com

Why is she refusing treatment?

Death is a great savior when we do not accept our life as it is. This fear of life can be conscious or unconscious. And perhaps this is one of the reasons why women refuse treatment when the chances of remission are high.

One woman I know had stage 1 breast cancer - and she refused treatment. Death was preferable to her than surgery, scars, chemotherapy and hair loss. This was the only way to resolve difficult relationships with parents and with a loved one.

Sometimes they refuse treatment because they are afraid of difficulties and pain - they begin to believe sorcerers and charlatans who promise guaranteed and more easy way come to remission.

I understand how unbearably difficult it is for loved ones in this case, but all we can do is express our disagreement, talk about how sad and painful we are. But at the same time remember: the life of another does not belong to us.

Why does fear not go away when remission occurs?

Fear is a natural feeling. And it is not humanly possible to get rid of it completely, especially if it concerns the fear of death. The fear of death also gives birth to the fear of relapse, when everything seems to be in order - the person is in remission.

But taking death into account, you begin to live in accordance with your desires. Finding your own dose of happiness - I think this is one of the ways to treat oncology - to help official medicine. It is quite possible that we are afraid of death in vain, because it enriches our lives with something truly worthwhile - authentic life. After all, life is what is happening right now, in the present. In the past there are memories, in the future there are dreams.

Understanding our own finitude, we make a choice in favor of our life, where we call things by their proper names, do not try to change what is impossible to change, and do not put anything off for later. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.