This book is for those who are tired of not happy life and is ready to change it and change himself. This book is for those who are tired of misunderstanding and want to make relationships with people around them more harmonious. This book is for those who are tired of the lack of love and want to learn true self-love, gain faith in their strength and peace in their hearts. Liz Burbo is the author of two dozen best-selling books, the founder of a personal growth system, an experienced coach and spiritual teacher for thousands of people from all over the world. Her advice has helped many people realize responsibility for their lives, first of all, to themselves, comprehend their true desires, recognize their true selves, and therefore begin to live more consciously and let success into their lives. This training book offers 40 exercises that will help you master the Luz Burbo system.
A series: Secret knowledge that changes life
* * *
by liters company.
Part one
Permission to live
Chapter first
The Experience of Pain: Recognizing and Healing Personal Trauma
They say that childhood is the most carefree time. Like, a little man lives, he’s not responsible for anything, he runs and jumps and doesn’t know any problems. Nonsense, of course. Childhood is perhaps the most difficult period of life, the most eventful and eventful. Happy and unhappy at the same time. The most dramatic one, if you will.
Deeply experienced childhood events, moments of happiness and grief have life-long consequences, influencing the personality of an already mature person, his actions, worldview, and relationships with others.
Fortunately, it is no longer a secret to anyone that the main people for any child are always: parents, and it is relationships with them that influence the development of personality more than relationships with anyone else. The family is the beginning and core of any child’s coordinate system, the starting point. Parents are his main teachers, “healers” and, alas, “saboteurs” too. Psychological and mental trauma, without which no childhood is actually complete, is usually inflicted by parents intentionally or accidentally (usually the latter).
Thus, many years of observations of children and adults, single and married people, physically healthy and not very strong allowed Liz Burbo to put forward the following assumption: every person goes through four stages as they grow older.
The first stage is learning the joy of existence, of being yourself.
The second stage is suffering from the fact that you cannot be yourself.
The third stage is a period of crisis, rebellion.
The fourth stage is the “construction of a new personality” or, in other words, the selection of a mask that more closely matches the expectations of adults from the child.
Mask, according to Bourbo, it becomes a skillful substitute for everything that is real in a person: character, habits, affections, desires, even food preferences. The mask is either worn for a few minutes a day (if the injury is not deep and partially resolved), or worn almost constantly (if the injury is deep, not resolved and still causes suffering). The mask is designed to protect and, indeed, protects us - from new injuries, from our own imperfections, from pain, from dangers...
But at what cost!
After all, wearing a mask means never being yourself.
Could the punishment be more severe?
Gradually, Burbo systematized her observations and proposed the original concept of five masks as an expression of the five mental traumas most often experienced by a person.
The five injuries, according to Burbo, can be designated as follows:
Trauma of the abandoned (trauma corresponds to the mask of the dependent).
Trauma of the outcast (mask of the fugitive).
Trauma of the humiliated (masochist mask).
Trauma of betrayal (mask of the controller).
Trauma of injustice (mask of rigidity).
“There is not a single person who has not at least once been rejected, abandoned, betrayed, humiliated, or treated unfairly. It hurts, it makes you angry, it upsets you. However, we only experience pain because at will. This happens when the ego manages to convince us that someone else should be blamed for our suffering, – Bourbo expresses a paradoxical thought. – But in life there are no guilty people; there are only those who suffer.”
However, in order to accept the suffering part, that is, the mask - your own or another person's - Liz Burbo suggests first getting acquainted with all five and identifying features each trauma-mask.
It is important to understand that each of the five injuries described by Bourbo has a nasty property - obsession. Once it “hits” a person’s soul, it will be repeated and returned, and each time experienced as a new traumatic experience. Until the trauma is processed, experienced and accepted, a person unconsciously attracts events and people into his life that confirm his worthlessness, inappropriateness, and uselessness.
In a word, a person injures himself again and again, without even realizing it.
So if you feel like unpleasant events in life are repeated again and again that you seem to be missing right to life that others are better than you, then it’s time to finally stop pretending that everything is in order, and determine what kind of trauma was inflicted on you in time immemorial, and what protective mask, according to Liz Burbo’s classification, you chose. Only in this way, through awareness and pain, is healing possible. And after healing - a new, happy life.
Characteristics of injury rejected who wears a mask fugitive
First trauma: from the moment of conception to one year.
Rejection comes from same-sex parent who either did not want a child or wanted a child of a different gender. Because of such a global discrepancy, the fugitive does not feel the right to exist.
Body expression: compressed, narrow, fragile, as if “escaping”.
“nothing”, “nobody”, “does not exist”, “disappear”, “I’m sick of...”.
Detachment from material things. The pursuit of excellence. Focus on the spiritual, intellectual. Strives for solitude, for “escape.” Wants to be invisible. He believes that he is not understood. Addiction to sweets or alcohol as a way to escape.
Characteristics of injury abandoned who wears a mask dependent
First trauma: between one and three years.
Apply parent of the opposite sex. As a rule, the “abandoned” child suffers from either the absence or lack of communication with the parent of the opposite sex. The reason is the emotional detachment of the parent, his complete physical absence, lack of interest in the child or lack of warm, emotional contact between the child and the parent.
Body expression: elongated, thin, flabby body, Long hands, the back is curved. Big sad eyes.
Favorite words and expressions:“there is no one”, “absent”, “alone”, “don’t leave”, “carry out”, “don’t leave”.
Manifestations in everyday life: In relationships, he tends to merge with others and does not tolerate separation well. Ready to do anything just not to be alone. Most of all, he needs outside support, positive reinforcement. Lacking a resource of support and love within himself, he constantly seeks and even demands attention from others, but the inner emptiness is insatiable. It is difficult for him to do or decide anything alone. Sad, tearful, prone to mood swings. Most of all he fears loneliness.
Characteristics of injury humiliated who wears a mask masochist
First trauma: over a period of one to three years.
Apply by the parent who is involved in the physical development of the child (usually the mother). Typically this is overly controlling parent which provokes a reaction of shame and a feeling of humiliation in the child.
Body expression: fat, short, chubby.
Favorite words:“worthy”, “undignified”, “small”, “fat”.
Manifestations in everyday life: Often he is ashamed of himself or others, and in order to dull the shame, he uses control - also of himself or others. Does not listen to his needs, including sexual ones, although he knows them. Hyper-responsible. Low self-esteem. Prone to self-torture of a psychological nature: “I am bad, disgusting, unworthy and cannot become worthy.” Most of all he fears freedom.
Characteristics of injury devoted, who wears a mask controlling
First trauma: in the period from two to four years, that is, during the normative experience of the Oedipus complex.
Apply parent of the opposite sex, when a mother or father does not behave as the child expects from them, manipulates, places unrealistic expectations on the child, or generally evades parental responsibilities. As a result, the child loses trust in the parent, and therefore in the world in general.
Body expression: a real tough guy. It’s like a deliberately strong, athletic, toned body.
Favorite words and expressions:“separate”, “do you understand?”, “I can”, “I can handle it myself”, “I knew it”, “I told you so”, “believe me”, “I know”, “I there’s something on his mind”, “I don’t trust him”, “break up”.
Manifestations in daily life: Impatient and intolerant. Difficulties with trust. Skepticism hides vulnerability. He pretends to be responsible, obligatory, important, but in reality it costs him enormous effort to keep his promise or at least not to forget about what he promised. Loves praise. He cannot stand lies from others, although he himself easily lies. Needs leadership, formal or informal. If the bosses are good, then he is a good performer. Most of all he is afraid of divorce, breakup, separation.
Characteristics of Survivor Trauma injustice, who wears a mask rigid
First trauma: between the ages of four and six, when a child first begins to experience and appreciate his or her individuality.
If, for various reasons, a child cannot show individuality, does not have the skill or conditions for self-expression, traumatization occurs: the child experiences this as injustice and turns to anger, resentment, sadness to a parent of the same sex.
As a rule, relationships with parents are superficial. Often the traumatizing parent is cold, inattentive, and is unable to establish trusting contact with the child. As a result, the survivor of injustice seems to separate himself from his emotions, gives himself the attitude “I don’t feel anything” and puts on a mask of rigidity.
Body expression: a well-built, proportional body, but constrained in movements. Tense neck and jaw. Posture is straight and proud.
Favorite words and expressions:“no problem”, “always, never”, “very good, very kind”, “exactly so”, “am I right?”, “if I’m not mistaken”, “exactly”, “quite fair”, “of course”, "Do you agree?".
Everyday manifestations: He strives for perfection in every possible way and is overly demanding of himself. He thinks not about who he is, but about what he does. Since childhood, he has become accustomed to thinking that he is valued not for who he is, but solely for his achievements and actions. Often believes that others are luckier than him. There is no contact with one's own feelings. Doesn't like and doesn't know how to ask for help. Prone to doubt, to comparing oneself and others. Moreover, in comparison it always loses. He constantly carries a feeling of guilt, believing that he is unworthy of pleasure, joy, and praise. In emotional manifestations he is inhibited, but what he is most afraid of from others is coldness.
Do you recognize your mask? Did several types seem painfully familiar to you at once? Not you, but did the mask fit someone close and acquaintances? Both this and this are absolutely normal.
What makes the classification proposed by Bourbo convenient is its universality and at the same time flexibility. Highlighting the main character traits and typical manifestations, Liz Burbo constantly repeats that the same protective mask different people They are worn differently – there are no “textbook” injuries, nor absolutely identical manifestations of suffering. Everything is dictated by our individuality. In addition, it often happens that a person experiences several mental traumas and, accordingly, puts on several masks - one on top of the other or in turn.
To accurately recognize your (or your neighbor's) injury, Liz Burbo recommends several techniques:
Search and highlight basic, key signs of injury, because if the injury is not very deep and moderately severe, then everyone the described symptoms may not exist;
Don’t be afraid to “feel” the mask on your face, remembering that at one time the mask was vital. Her protection may have allowed you to survive or reduce your suffering;
Treat mental trauma calmly and purposefully: this is just as normal and natural as treating physical ailments or illnesses.
Of course, Liz Burbo has her own method for healing mental trauma. It is successfully used to treat even old, deep, poorly recognized injuries and includes several stages - several steps.
First step- this, whatever one may say, is an acknowledgment of one’s trauma, its presence and role in one’s life. In other words, if you continue to pretend that you are not sick, you will not be able to recover. One way or another, you will have to see your mental trauma, determine its “type”, and then acknowledge its existence (but, note, not a priority for managing your life!).
“A person lives in order to work through what has not been worked through, and to resolve what weighs on him with the burden of suffering,” says Liz Burbo.
Well, that makes sense.
Second step to healing - to accept your trauma and give it at least a piece of unconditional love. Let’s say right away – it’s incredibly difficult!
Firstly, unconditional love (according to Burbo, this means “accept, even if you don’t agree or don’t understand”) is not given “for free”, it must be cultivated in oneself gradually and persistently. There is no single, universal, understandable way for everyone to develop unconditional love, but some possibilities and techniques will be described later in this book.
Secondly, the more unbearable the injury, the more strong love she needs it. However, the effort is worth it: as soon as your throbbing pain, your tired mask feels that it is not being persecuted, but loved, the evil spell will begin to melt away. Checked!
Finally, third step is to go through the four stages of development described at the beginning of this chapter again, only in reverse order- from fourth to first. At the first stage you will have to see your mask. On the second, work with your resistance, which will certainly arise and will be expressed in rebellion, indignation, and denial of the obvious. Perhaps you will slam the book in indignation (“What nonsense! This is not about me!”). You may want to shift responsibility to others (“They are all to blame!”). Perhaps portray humility (“I lived before and I will live again”). Find the strength to overcome resistance.
On fourth step you will need to return to the moment of initial traumatization: to suffer badly, to be angry with your parents, to feel sorry for your little self. This stage should end with saying goodbye to childhood anger and gaining sympathy for parents and forgiving them. Fourth step– it is also a return to your true self, a farewell to the mask, a greeting to your true “I”, open to experience and love.
“Seeing pain, recognizing it, saying hello to it is not easy. This is extremely difficult and also scary. But if work with trauma is successful, then the person gains the experience of true self-compassion. It is as if he gives himself permission to experience, and at the same time, he reduces the level of anger, shame and malice in his soul. The pain must be experienced and released, and under no circumstances should it be suppressed. In the latter case, it will not go away, but will only cripple the soul deeper,” – recommends Burbo.
How do you know that you are on the right path and your injuries are slowly healing?
Liz Burbo claims that trauma rejected close to healing if you allow yourself to take everything more space in life, you allow yourself to just be and find effective method to self-affirmation, self-realization.
Injury abandoned is close to healing if loneliness becomes bearable and even pleasant, if independence and determination grow, and the need for outside support becomes less annoying.
Injury humiliated is close to healing if control and demands on oneself weaken. If a person is able to ask for help and accept help, this is also a good sign.
Injury betrayal is close to healing if a person experiences disruption of plans, sudden separation more calmly, or if a good deed went unnoticed by others.
Injury injustice is close to healing if a person gives himself permission to make mistakes, if he has access to emotions and feelings, if crying in front of strangers no longer means disgracing himself.
As symptoms weaken and mental trauma (no matter what) is healed, a person’s emotional independence, self-reliance, and attentiveness to their needs increases. Cultivating emotional independence, a person gradually learns that the “levers” for suffering, as well as for happiness, are in himself, in his perception, in his personality, in his psyche.
Below you will find exercises that help you work independently with mental trauma and promote healing.
Exercise 1.
"Safe place"
Before execution:
Performance:
Find a quiet, quiet place. Make yourself comfortable. Take a few breaths in and out. Close your eyes and try to imagine yours safe place. A safe place means a place where you feel calm, happy, and serene. This place can be anywhere and can have any size and shape. The main thing is to present it as detailed and realistic as possible.
So where is this place? Even if it's a fictional country or another planet, come up with a name for it! What is the landscape like in a safe place, what is the weather like? What time of year is it? Is your safe place indoors, or is it outdoors? What smells accompany it? Who lives in a safe place besides you?
You can “populate” it with anyone, even fairy-tale characters. The main thing is that the inhabitants, the landscape, and the climate are 100% safe, instilling joy and tranquility.
Imagine to your heart's content. Imagine everything in detail, do not be shy about the wildness of your imagination - after all, this is only yours a safe place, and no one will go there without your invitation. When you feel satisfied, gradually return to this reality. Take your time to “jump” from here to there, breathe deeply. Open your eyes and make sure where you are. Say out loud the current date and year, and your name. Ground yourself well.
After execution:
You are free to travel to a safe place from time to time, gradually saturating it with new details, details, elements, people and animals. If you wish, after your next trip you can write down what you saw there, or even better, sketch it.
When the safe place also becomes familiar enough to you, you can try to record your own feelings about it. Try to be attentive to positive emotions, learn to distinguish between “joy” and “delight”, “happiness” and “surprise”... Do not block yourself from positive emotions, because they are the resource for liberation from mental trauma.
Exercise 2.
"Calm Breathing"
Before execution:
This exercise suggests mastering breathing with the diaphragm - in other words, belly breathing, the most natural breathing for a person.
Performance:
Sit comfortably and place your hands on your knees or armrests to slightly release your shoulders.
1. Take a deep breath (for about 4 seconds) through your nose, directing the air into your lower abdomen.
2. Hold your breath for 1-2 seconds.
3. Exhale slowly (about 4 seconds) through your mouth.
4. Wait a few seconds before inhaling and exhaling again.
There are 6-8 breathing cycles per minute, and this is quite enough. If you experience symptoms of hyperventilation such as dizziness, ringing in the ears, blurred vision, stop doing it. Don't hold your breath. Try to keep your body as relaxed as possible.
After execution:
Practice diaphragmatic breathing twice a day for five minutes. At first, do the exercise when you are more or less calm. Then you can easily switch to a calm mode, and the breathing exercise will protect you from “overload” and stress.
Exercise 3.
"Problem"
Before execution:
The exercise is aimed at reducing the significance of the problem situation and moving towards inner peace. It is recommended to perform it after you have determined the type of mask you have and have begun working to free yourself from personal mental trauma.
Liz Burbo argues that it is not the traumatic event itself that matters, but your relationship with him. As soon as you decide to free yourself from the reaction to trauma, its presence in life will begin to decrease, and the mask will begin to “slip.” This exercise is to help you on a difficult but true path.
Performance:
Sit comfortably. Think about a problem, a situation, a character trait, an existing relationship, a recurring reaction - something that does not suit you, that is unpleasant, annoying or painful for you. State the essence of the problem in two or three sentences.
Then think about someone with whom you recently discussed this problem. Remember the situation, the flow of the conversation, the setting, the person’s face. If you prefer to keep your problems to yourself, think about the environment in which you last time thought about their troubles. Where was it - on the street, at work, in the car? What was happening around? Who was an unwitting witness to your painful thoughts?
Try to step back from your situation and become purely an observer. Remember your loved ones, acquaintances, relatives, friends. What problems, troubles, troubles do they have? How is your problem similar to the problems of people you know? Think about it.
As you are ready, expand your range of fantasies. Remember what problems exist in your team, in your city, in your country? What is common between all unpleasant and all joyful situations? What joys and sorrows are there in life (in yours and in general)? Take your time. Try to enjoy the process.
Then imagine as if you are looking through a special microscope, through which you can see literally everything - the entire Earth, the Solar System, the Galaxy... What kind of troubles are there?
at Space? What's troubling planet Earth? Does the Galaxy have emotions?.. Imagine!
And then return your thoughts to your original problem. Formulate the main thing in it again. How do you see it now, after reflection? How serious do you think it is?
After execution:
As a rule, after completing the exercise, it is possible to reformulate the essence of the problem, and the vision of life’s troubles softens; they no longer seem so insurmountable, fatal, or determining the course of life.
Exercise 4.
“Resentment is out”
Before execution:
This simple exercise allows you to feel a little calmer about what hurts and those who caused pain.
Performance:
Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Try to breathe from your diaphragm.
Clench your fists and imagine that you are holding your grudge in your hands. Stretch your arms as hard as you can. Feel the tension in your fists, in your muscles, in your shoulders, throughout your whole body... and then sharply unclench your fist, relax your muscles, relax your whole body, face. Exhale loudly. Let go of grudges. Imagine them falling to the floor, rolling and disappearing. Or they crumble into small pieces, shatter into pieces, and they are no longer there.
After execution:
Congratulations. Your resentment has disappeared.
Chapter two
Three pillars of a happy life: responsibility, forgiveness and love
Healing mental trauma is first and foremost a process. No one knows how much time it will take for you to reach the result - that is, to a qualitatively different, happy, harmonious life. Therefore, the main thing in this matter is to start and move forward, despite possible fears and internal resistance.
And while you're on your way, it's a good idea to learn a few more things. For example, about responsibility, forgiveness and love , without which, according to Liz Burbo, a happy life is impossible.
“Reluctance to accept the experience, refusal of responsibility and lack of love are the main reasons for our resistance and our difficulties,” – says the famous trainer and spiritual mentor.
However, three magic words need to be deciphered - “responsibility”, “forgiveness” and “love” can be interpreted very differently. What meaning does Liz Burbo put into these concepts?
Let's start with responsibility.
"Be responsible means realizing that we create our lives and the world around us ourselves. What we create is what we get,” says Burbo.
Being responsible means being aware of the consequences of your actions. But - only your own! The only exception when we are responsible for the decisions and actions of others is when a parent is responsible for a minor child.
To be responsible means not to try to embrace the immensity and to be responsible for everything. Responsibility is a purely personal, if not intimate, matter. So, we have no right to force others be responsible for our actions, decisions and feelings. Conversely, we should not and cannot be responsible for the reactions, actions, thoughts and emotions of others.
A truly responsible person accepts everything that life throws at him as a new experience and “food” for the development of the soul.
By accepting full responsibility for our lives, we do not take away, but give ourselves a choice.
The feeling of responsibility is the opposite of the feeling of guilt, because guilt is experienced by those who feel victim life, and responsibility is inherent to the owner.
For those who are not averse to turning from a victim into a master, Liz Burbo recommends a simple, effective remedy. That's what - conversations With myself.
From time to time, especially when making decisions, when encountering something new, when trying to understand the events that happened, Burbo suggests asking yourself a few questions.
For example: “How can I use my experience to grow and develop?”
Or: “Why did I need what happened?”
“What did I learn from what happened?”
“How will this help me better understand myself and others?”
“What will happen if my current wish comes true?”...
Regular practice This kind of well “cleanses” the consciousness, mind and intellect of all husks.
Firstly, with the help of questions “about the main thing” we learn in life to separate the main thing from the secondary, superficial.
Secondly, we focus on ourselves - on our desires, capabilities and responsibilities, without shifting the burden onto our neighbors. Thirdly, as Bourbo assures, through responsibility we learn acceptance - and acceptance Total, what happens to us and what gives life.
Learn forgiveness ahead in the next stage of mental healing. This is the next test on the path to a new life. Yes, yes, it’s a test, because in order to truly forgive – others and yourself – you need to thoroughly “shovel” the perception of life, past traumatic events, and yourself.
“A person who has not forgiven essentially lives in the past,” – says Liz Burbo. and adds: however, “the only reality exists in the present moment.”
This means that until we have forgiven, reconciled, and “let go” of the offenders, it is as if we are not here.
The process of forgiveness, according to Burbo, is divided into several stages:
Reconciliation with the offender;
The experience of compassion for him;
Letting him be Just by a person;
Awareness of anger towards oneself;
Forgiving yourself.
Of course, in life everything is somewhat more complicated than a few clear points. Forgiving an enemy can occur simultaneously with reconciliation with him, awareness of anger can cause a wild internal protest, and, for example, you may not get to the point of forgiving yourself at all...
However, Liz Burbo offers several hints, “beacons”, with the help of which it will be easier for you to figure out whether you are going in the right direction (that is, towards forgiveness) in principle.
– It is advisable to meet with the person who once hurt you and tell him in private what you experienced. Don't expect anything specific from this meeting, and especially don't expect remorse from the person who hurt you. However, try to see in this person not an executioner, but a suffering man or woman. If this works out, then you will be able to forgive and reconcile with him. You will understand this by the feeling afterwards: if after the meeting you are enveloped in lightness and simplicity of perception of the world, then the task is completed. If questions and doubts remain, if you mentally continue the conversation with this person, having already said goodbye to him, it means that you are still angry with him and, moreover, with yourself.
After thinking a little and getting angry, cast the following spell: “I give myself the right to be angry, criticize, slander and accuse this person. I give space to all these emotions in my soul. I give space in my soul to the also suffering part of myself, which triggers anger and resentment.”. Wait a little, and you will probably feel how the anger lets go, how the resentment and anger dull, how the understanding comes: he, the villain, is also a person. Allowing another (and even such an “other” who caused pain!) to be just a person is almost a feat. And an important step towards true forgiveness.
If you don’t succeed the first time, repeat the magic spell in moments of melancholy and anger - it will definitely help.
– Forgiveness occurs through acquaintance and awareness of one’s anger. One way or another, sooner or later, you will have to look your aggression in the face and say hello to anger. And only after this “launch” the energy of forgiveness, which is always stronger and more productive than the energy of anger.
– The stage of self-forgiveness is necessary, just as it is necessary, say, recovery period after surgery or serious illness. There will be no high-quality, long enough rehabilitation - sooner or later the disease will return again. It’s the same in relationships: having reconciled with the enemy, but not with ourselves, we will sooner or later discover that the traumatic situation is repeated (with this or with another person), and the same fears and emotions roil in our souls.
Why is it so hard to forgive yourself? Liz Burbo gives an answer to this question: deep mental trauma not only continues to bleed for many years, but also instills in a person the idea that forgiveness is not about him and not for him. The abandoned, rejected, betrayed, etc. cannot be forgiven and cannot forgive themselves.
A person who clings tightly to an old mental trauma is, of course, not free.
And to forgive means to give yourself freedom!
All these responsibilities, forgiveness, acceptance sound beautiful, solemn, but try to feel them with your heart, let them into your life! This, without any pathos, requires courage, perseverance and, if you like, such noble stubbornness that will not allow you to give up.
The exercises in this chapter are designed to make it a little easier to fulfill the honorable mission of forgiveness and liberation of oneself.
Exercise 5.
“I forgive you” (technique of Margarita Murakhovskaya)
Before execution:
beautiful and effective exercise helps to get rid of resentment.
It should be done in a quiet, calm place where no one will disturb you.
Performance:
Imagine that you are walking along a country road. There is a flower meadow around. The road divides a huge field filled with beautiful wildflowers. You hear the buzzing of insects, the singing of birds, the rustling of grass. You feel good and easy, you breathe deeply and take a leisurely walk.
You see a man coming towards you... This is your father! Only in my youth. Having caught up with him, you extend your hands to him and say: “Hello, dad. Please forgive me for not being what you wanted. Thank you for everything, for what happened and what didn’t happen. Dad, I forgive you for everything: for not being there when I missed you so much, for not believing in me, for hurting me, for not talking about my love. I forgive you. You are free". You see how your dad suddenly turns into a child of about three years old, whom you so want to take in your arms, kiss and tell about your love.
Then the baby daddy turns into a completely tiny baby, about the size of your palm. With tenderness and love, you find a place for the baby in your soul - where he will be at peace.
You continue your walk. Now your mother is coming towards you, approximately at the age at which she gave birth to you. You extend your hand to her and say: “Hello, mom. Forgive me, please, for everything - for the fact that I sometimes hurt you. Sorry for not meeting your expectations. And I forgive you for everything - for the fact that when I so needed your support, you were not there; for taking out your fears and anxieties on me; for not always believing in me. Now you are free. Thank you! Thanks to you, I was born. Thank you for your tenderness and care."
Here your mother gradually turns into a three-year-old girl, you take her in your arms, hug her close and say: “I love you very much. You are the closest and dearest." When mom becomes the size of your palm, you place her in your soul.
You move on. Another person approaches you. This time it's you. You look at yourself and say, “Hello. Please forgive me for everything, for always judging you. I really love you very much. You are the closest and dearest person to me.” Now it’s your turn to become a three-year-old baby, and then a baby who will be so comfortable in your loving soul.
You continue your walk. You well. You are at peace. You feel that now everything in life will be a little different.
After execution:
You are free to modify the exercise as you wish: you can change the text, you can change or add people you met on a walk. Let the text reflect what is in your heart, and let the people be exactly the people who are waiting for your forgiveness.
Do this exercise for one month, once a day, and you will gradually feel that forgiveness has come to you as a gift.
Exercise 6.
"I feel…"
Before execution:
Another exercise to help those who sincerely want to forgive themselves.
Performance:
Sit comfortably. Take a few breaths to slow your thoughts down a little.
Feel your body as part of you and say (silently or out loud) the following text: “I feel my right foot. I completely accept and forgive my right foot for everything. I love my right foot and thank it for everything it does for me. I can feel my right ankle. I have a wonderful, healthy and beautiful right ankle. I love my right ankle and forgive it for everything...” Slowly listing all the parts of our body, we go up. First, forgive the right side of the body, then the left. Try to remember as many parts of the body and organs as possible that need forgiveness and acceptance. It is especially important to forgive those parts of the body where there are physical discomforts.
Don't waste your time! If you are short on time today, it is better to divide the ritual of forgiveness into parts: say, today you communicate with the right side of your body, tomorrow with the left.
When the forgiven body feels light, proceed to the second part of the exercise - forgiving your personality.
Tell yourself something like this: “I feel like a girl. I am wonderful, healthy and beautiful girl. I completely accept and forgive myself – the girl – for everything. I love myself, a girl, and thank her for everything she does for me. I feel like a grown woman. I am a wonderful, healthy and beautiful woman. I completely accept and forgive myself – a woman – for everything. I feel like a lover. I am a wonderful, healthy, sexy and beautiful lover. I fully accept and forgive myself – my mistress, for everything...” Go through all your social roles which you are currently performing. You can modify the text as you like, as long as the words “forgiveness” and “love” remain in it.
After execution:
Repeat the exercises for two weeks, every day. This period is considered to be sufficient for true self-forgiveness.
Exercise 7.
"A Few Phrases"
Before execution:
An exercise borrowed from Gestalt therapy works on taking responsibility for yourself, your actions, your life. Classically, the exercise is performed in pairs, but you can do it alone, armed with a white sheet of paper.
Performance:
The exercise is performed in four steps.
First step. Write the beginning of the phrase “I must...” on a piece of paper and verbally come up with the ending. Then, leaving the ending of the phrase the same, replace “I must” with “I prefer.” Well, is there a difference? If yes, then try to realize it, feel it, understand how great the distance is from “should” to “prefer”.
Second step. Write on a piece of paper the beginning of the phrase “I can’t” and come up with an ending. It is desirable, of course, that the content of these phrases have at least some relevance to your current life. Using the same principle as in the first step, replace the beginning of the phrase with “I don’t want”, leaving the ending the same. Feel the difference.
Third step. Do the same thing, “replacing” the phrase “I need...” with “I want...”
Fourth step. Replace the beginning “I'm afraid that...” with “I would like...”.
If you are doing the exercise alone, write down the resulting phrases on a piece of paper and save it.
After execution:
Think about which phrases you like the most as a result of the exercise, and which ones cause hostility, anxiety or even fear. Why? Think about what will happen if instead of endless “shoulds” you are guided by “I want”, but at the same time your lifestyle, field of activity, family composition do not change that much?.. Which responsibility is more pleasant, in the end - forced or voluntary, received with love and warmth?
Chapter Three
How to talk to yourself about love
A separate chapter is devoted to how to love yourself and confess your love to yourself. After all, forgiveness, responsibility, and all the good things in the world are based on love... However, not everyone is able to experience true love, including true love for oneself, “on the run.”
What is true love, different from passion, sympathy, selfishness, desire to possess?
Well, at least love is work. Love is self-disclosure. This is a risk, this is a movement, this is an action. This is always an active state.
This is knowledge and the desire for knowledge!
Perhaps this is why it is so difficult for a traumatized person who has long forgotten his true self, who is insecure and afraid, to love himself and admit his love to himself. And considering that every second of us was traumatized in one way or another in childhood, you can imagine the number of people who did not love, or even did not love themselves at all!
Besides, for a long time it was believed that self-love is something abnormal, unworthy, inherent only to narcissistic egoists. And although now the stupid stereotype has been destroyed, not everyone dares to love themselves and admit their love.
Liz Burbo interprets self-love as unconditional acceptance of oneself “as you are in this moment" She claims that a true lover accepts all parts of himself, including those that are objectively unnecessary, that bring suffering.
“Love,” according to Burbo, is in no way equal to such concepts as “to please,” “to please,” “to comply,” and “to always agree.” The only possible synonym for the concept of “true love” is “acceptance.”
Love is never selfishness, but manifestations of true love are often mistaken for selfishness. For example, those who expect from love and from loving person eternal agreement and readiness to fulfill any whim, they are just selfish. Those who love truly and can say “no” only show the limits of their capabilities at the moment. This doesn't make love any less.
What does it mean to “love yourself”?
"Love yourself, – writes Burbo, – this means recognizing the right to change, to develop, to gain experience and to make mistakes. This means respecting not only your strengths, but also your limitations, fears and weaknesses, guilt, beliefs and desires. Everything that gives experience. We must understand that everything is necessary and everything is temporary.”
Through observations, conversations, and research, Burbo identified several key features that can be used to determine how true love to yourself and to others:
Acceptance of one’s dissimilarity from others and the dissimilarity of each person from each other.
The ability to give yourself pleasure, even if it seems undeserved. The same goes for those we love.
The ability to accept yourself or another, even knowing that you or the other are far from perfect.
The desire to increasingly be the way you want (in the case of others: to notice a movement for the better in loved ones).
The ability to listen to your heart, and not the rules imposed by others.
The ability to learn from every event lesson, experience. Do not reproach yourself or others for mistakes.
The realization that no one is responsible for my happiness except myself. Just as I am not responsible for “making” others, even close and loved ones.
To truly love yourself - to love “clean and dirty”, ugly and well-groomed, stupid and wise, in weakness and laziness, in lies and cowardice, in courage and nobility, you must first of all understand the following:
You are on this planet primarily for yourself. The rest - parents, lovers, friends, children, colleagues, teachers - are given to us as guides, as assistants, allowing us to better know ourselves.
This, according to Liz Burbo, is the unwritten law of the universe.
Easy to say, hard to do. And is it even possible to love yourself if all previous experience suggests that people like you are not loved?
To at least try to find self-love, so that at least start a conversation with yourself about love, Bourbeau suggests starting with smart management of life.
All you need to do is:
Be aware of the consequences of your decisions;
Recognize not imaginary, but true cause-and-effect relationships;
Try to evaluate the usefulness of your decisions and actions for yourself and others;
Notice the virtues in others first, and then the flaws;
Allow yourself to be happy, even if your loved ones are unhappy. By sharing their misfortune, we do not make them happier, but we multiply misfortune on earth;
Whenever possible, eat natural foods; eat only when you are hungry, and often say “thank you” to your body for its good service;
Rest and get enough sleep regularly;
Follow environment and do not waste natural resources excessively;
Buy only what you need;
Allow yourself to act conditionally “right” and conditionally “wrong” - because only through trial and error can we understand what we really need and where to get it.
Agree, it’s not so difficult to follow the rules of reasonableness! Gradually, one by one, introduce them into your life. Add your own if you feel the need.
Be patient.
Forgive yourself and forgive again!
Take in the lessons!
Watch others!
The result will not come immediately, but it promises to be delightful: you will learn to love yourself as anyone, but, most importantly, more and more often you will not be “anyone”, but the person you have always dreamed of becoming.
In the fourth part of this training (just at the moment when the hardworking, inquisitive reader has already done serious internal work and has “grown up” quite well internally), we will once again return to the topic of self-love and discuss more deeply the nuances of relationships with ourselves.
And now, as psychological support, you are offered exercises aimed at developing self-love. That very conscious unconditional love.
Exercise 8.
"Magic Door"
Before execution:
Make sure your thoughts are calm and your imagination is free.
Performance:
Make yourself comfortable. You can close your eyes to help your imagination work, or you can leave them open and look at some plain background if this activates your imagination.
Now imagine a closed door. It can be any color and size and can be located anywhere. A door can lead to a luxurious mansion, decorate the gates of a castle, “live” in the entrance of a multi-story building, invite you into an apartment, or even just rise in an open field. One thing should always be constant - the word “Love”, written on the door in calligraphic handwriting or scratched with a knife. Looking at the door, you must understand that the inscription on it is not a joke. The door truly leads to the world of love. Moreover, personally into your world of love, where a variety of people, creatures and objects live, memories, emotions, situations and sensations that personally matter to you and are related to the theme of love.
Take your time to enter the world of love: take the time to properly, in detail, imagine this door and the inscription on it. However, don’t rush to imagine what awaits you outside the door - wait a minute.
When you open the magical door to the land of love, impressions will appear. Don't force their appearance with your mind and don't filter them. Let images, sounds, memories, smells appear, body sensations arise. Gradually explore your own world of love.
End of introductory fragment.
* * *
The given introductory fragment of the book 15 lessons from Liz Burbo. Heal the traumas that prevent you from being happy, loved and rich (Maria Aber, 2016) provided by our book partner -
FUGITIVE PHYSICAL
(Trauma of the Rejected)
Let's look in the dictionaries what the words “reject” and “rejected” mean. Dictionaries give several synonymous definitions: push away; dismiss, refuse; do not tolerate; to not allow; expose.
Often people have difficulty grasping the difference between the two concepts of “rejecting” and “abandoning.” To leave someone means to move away from him for the sake of someone or something else. To reject means to push away, not to want to see someone next to you and in your life. The one who rejects uses the expression, “I don’t want,” and the one who abandons says, “I can’t.”
Being rejected is a very deep trauma; the rejected one feels it as a rejection of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist. Of all five traumas, the feeling of rejection appears first, which means that the cause of such trauma in a person’s life occurs earlier than others. The soul that returns to Earth to heal this trauma is rejected from the moment of birth, and in many cases even earlier.
A suitable example is an unwanted child born by chance." If the soul of this baby has not coped with the experience of being rejected, that is, has not been able to remain itself and be in well-being, despite rejection, then it will inevitably experience the state of being rejected. A striking case - child of the wrong gender. There are many other reasons why a parent will reject their child, but what is very important for us to understand here is that only those souls who need to experience the experience of being rejected are attracted to a certain type of parent or parents: these parents will inevitably reject their child .
It often happens that the parent has no intention of rejecting the child, but nevertheless the child feels rejected for every, even small reason - after an offensive remark, or when one of the parents experiences anger, impatience, etc. If the wound is not healed, it is very easy to open it. A person who feels rejected is biased. He interprets all events through the filters of his trauma, and the feeling of rejection only intensifies, although it may not be true.
From the very day when the baby felt rejected, he begins to develop the mask of a FUGITIVE. Many times I had to observe and treat regressions into the embryonic state, and I was convinced that a person with the trauma of being rejected in the womb feels very small, tries to take up as little space there as possible, and also constantly has a feeling of darkness, gloom. This confirmed my hunch that the fugitive mask can begin to form even before birth.
I ask you to note that from now until the end of the book I will use the term "fugitive" to designate a person suffering from a rejection complex. The fugitive mask is another, new personality, character, developing as a means of evading the suffering of the rejected.
This mask manifests itself physically as an elusive physique, that is, a body (or part of the body) that seems to want to disappear. Narrow, compressed, it seems to be specially designed so that it is easier to slip away, take up less space, and not be visible among others. This body does not want to take up much space; it takes on the image of one running away, slipping away, and throughout its life it strives to occupy as little space as possible. When you see a person who looks like a disembodied ghost - “skin and bones” - you can with a high degree of confidence expect that he is suffering from the deep trauma of a rejected being.
A fugitive is a person who doubts his right to exist; it even seems that she has not fully embodied. Therefore, her body gives the impression of being unfinished, incomplete, consisting of fragments poorly adjusted to each other. Left-hand side the face, for example, may differ noticeably from the right one, and this is visible to the naked eye; there is no need to check it with a ruler. Remember, by the way, how many people have you seen with perfectly symmetrical sides of the body?
When I talk about an “incomplete” body, I mean those areas of the body where entire pieces seem to be missing (buttocks, chest, chin, ankles are much smaller than calves, depressions in the back, chest, abdomen, etc. ).
Seeing how such a person holds himself (shoulders are shifted forward, arms are usually pressed to the body, etc.), we say that his body is twisted. It seems that something is blocking the growth of the body or its individual parts; or as if some parts of the body differ from others in age; and some people even look like adults in a child's body.
A deformed body that evokes pity speaks volumes about the fact that this person carries within himself the trauma of being rejected. Before being born, his soul chose this body to put itself in a situation that would help it overcome this trauma.
A characteristic feature of a fugitive is a small face and eyes. The eyes seem empty or absent, because a person with such a trauma tends to go into his own world or “fly to the moon” (to the astral plane) whenever possible. Often these eyes are filled with fear. Watching the fugitive's face, you can literally feel the mask on him, especially in his eyes. He himself often imagines that he is looking at the world through a mask. Some fugitives admitted to me that the feeling of a mask on their face sometimes did not go away all day, while for others it lasted for several minutes. It doesn't really matter how long it lasts; the important thing is that this is their way of not being present in what is happening around them.
Not to be present so as not to suffer.
The presence of all of these signs indicates that the trauma of the rejected person is very deep, much deeper than that of a person with a single sign - for example, only with the eyes of a fugitive. If the body has, say, half the characteristics of a fugitive, then we can assume that this person wears a protective mask not all the time, but about half. This could apply, for example, to a person with a fairly large body but a small face and small fugitive eyes, or to a person with a large body and very short ankles. If not all the signs of being rejected are observed, then the trauma is not so deep.
Wearing a mask is not being yourself. Even in childhood, we develop a behavior that is not our own, believing that it will protect us. The first reaction of a human being who feels rejected is the desire to run away, to slip away, to disappear. A child who feels rejected and creates a fugitive mask is usually living in an imaginary world. For this reason, he is most often smart, prudent, quiet and does not cause problems.
Alone, he amuses himself with his imaginary world and builds castles in the air. He may even believe that his parents are not real, that they mixed up newborns in the hospital. Such children invent many ways to escape from home; one of them is an expressed desire to go to school. However, having arrived at school and feeling rejected there (or rejecting themselves), they go to their own world, “to the moon.” One woman told me that she felt like a “tourist” at school.
On the other hand, a child of this type wants to be noticed, although he is not sure of his right to exist. I remember one little girl who hid behind a closet at the very moment when her parents greeted guests at the doorstep of the house. When they noticed that the child was missing, everyone rushed to look for her. She did not leave her shelter, although she could clearly hear the adults’ anxiety growing. She told herself: "I want them to find me. I want them to understand that I exist." This girl was so unsure of her right to exist that she arranged situations that could confirm this right.
Since the body size of such a child is smaller than average and he often resembles a doll or some kind of fragile and defenseless creature, the mother overprotects him; and he gets used to everyone constantly saying: he is too small for this, he is too weak for that, etc. The child begins to believe in this so much that his body really becomes small. For this reason, “being loved” for him means something suffocating. Subsequently, when someone loves him, his first instinct will be to reject that love or run away, because the fear of suffocation will still nest within him. An overprotected child feels rejected and feels that he is not accepted for who he is. Trying to somehow compensate for his smallness and fragility, those close to him try to do everything and even think for him; but even then, instead of feeling loved, the child feels rejected in his abilities.
The fugitive prefers not to become attached to material things, because they can prevent him from running away whenever and wherever he wants. It seems as if he really looks down on everything material. He asks himself what he is doing on this planet; it is very difficult for him to believe that he can be happy here. He is especially attracted to everything connected with the spirit, as well as the intellectual world. He rarely uses material things for pleasure, believing such pleasure to be superficial. One young woman told me that she doesn't like going to stores. She does this just to feel alive. The fugitive admits that money is necessary, but it does not bring him joy.
The fugitive's detachment from material things causes difficulties in his sex life. He is ready to believe that sexuality is contrary to spirituality. Many female runaways told me that they considered sex to be unspiritual, especially after becoming mothers. Some even managed to set up their spouse in such a way that he did not want physical intimacy with them throughout the entire pregnancy.
It can be very difficult for fugitives to understand that they can and have the right to have the same sexual needs as any normal person. They gravitate toward situations in which they find themselves rejected sexually—or deny themselves a sexual life.
The trauma of rejection is experienced with a same-sex parent.
If you recognize yourself in the description of a person who feels rejected, it means that you have experienced the same feeling towards a parent of the same sex. It is this parent who first opens the existing wound. And then rejection and dislike towards this parent, even to the point of hatred, become completely normal and human.
The role of a same-sex parent is to teach us to love—to love ourselves and to give love.
A parent of the opposite sex must teach him to allow himself to be loved and to accept love.
Without accepting the parent, we just as naturally decide not to use him as a model. If you see that this is your trauma, then know that it is this rejection that explains your difficulties: being of the same sex with an unloved parent, you cannot accept yourself and love yourself.
The fugitive does not believe in his own worth; he does not value himself at all. And for this reason, he uses all means to become perfect and gain value both in his own eyes and in the eyes of others. The word “NOBODY” is a favorite in his dictionary, and he applies it to himself and others with equal success:
“My boss said I was nobody, so I had to leave.”
“When it comes to economic matters, my mother is a nobody.”
“My father is just a nobody in his relationship with my mother. My husband turned out to be the same; I don’t blame him for leaving me.”
In Quebec they prefer the word "NOTHING":
“I know that I am nothing, others are more interesting than me.”
“No matter what I do, it doesn’t work; I still have to start over every time.”
"I'm fine, nothing... do as you want."
One male fugitive admitted at the seminar that he felt worthless and a slacker in front of his father. “When he speaks to me, I am crushed. If I am able to think, it is only about how to escape from him; where do all my arguments and self-control go. His mere presence depresses me.” A runaway woman told me how at the age of sixteen she decided that from now on her mother was nothing to her after her mother said that it would be better if she did not have such a daughter, it would be better if she disappeared, even if she died. Avoiding suffering, the daughter has since completely distanced herself from her mother.
It is interesting to note that it is predominantly the parent of the same sex who encourages the flight of a child who feels rejected. Most often, in stories about children leaving home, I hear the parent’s phrase: “Are you leaving? Very good, it will become freer here.” The child, of course, feels his rejection even more painfully and becomes even more angry with the parent. This type of situation easily arises with a parent who is themselves suffering from the same trauma. He encourages withdrawal because the remedy is familiar to him, even if he doesn't realize it.
The words “does not exist” and “non-existent” also occupy a prominent place in the fugitive’s vocabulary. For example, to the questions: “How are you with sex” or “What is your relationship with such and such a person?” he responds, “They don’t exist,” whereas most people would simply respond that things aren’t going well or that the relationship isn’t working out.
The fugitive also loves the words disappear, vanish. He may say: “My father treats my mother like a prostitute... I wish I could disappear” or “I wish my parents were gone!”
The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. Both in the family and in any group of people, he is suppressed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation. Here's an example: a girl asks her mom to help her with her homework and hears in response: “Go to dad. Can't you see that I'm busy and he has nothing to do?” The first reaction of a rejected child will be the thought: “Well, again, I was not polite enough, and that’s why mom refused to help me,” and then the girl will go looking for a quiet corner where she can hide from everyone.
A runaway usually has very few friends at school, and subsequently at work. He is considered withdrawn and left alone. The more he isolates himself, the more invisible he seems. He finds himself in a vicious circle: feeling rejected, he puts on the mask of a fugitive so as not to suffer; he fades so much that others stop noticing him; he becomes increasingly lonely, which gives him even more reason to feel rejected.
And now I will describe to you a situation that was repeated many times at the very end of my seminars, at the moment when everyone tells how the seminar helped him. It was with great surprise that I discovered the presence of a personality I had not noticed during the two-day seminar! I ask myself: “But where has she been hiding all this time?” Then I see that she has the body of a fugitive, that she arranged herself so as not to speak or ask questions during the entire seminar, and that she sat behind the others the entire time, trying not to be visible. When I tell such participants that they are too shy, they almost invariably respond that they have nothing interesting to say, which is why they didn’t say anything.
Indeed, a fugitive usually says little. Sometimes he can talk, and talks a lot - he is trying to assert his importance; in this case, those around him perceive pride in his statements.
A fugitive often develops a SKIN PROBLEM - to avoid being touched. Skin is a contact organ; its appearance can attract or repel another person. Skin disease is an unconscious way of protecting yourself from being touched, especially in those places that are associated with the problem. I have heard more than once from fugitives: “When they touch me, I feel as if I am being pulled out of my cocoon.” The wound of the rejected one aches and makes him eventually believe that if he goes into his own world, he will not suffer anymore, since he himself will not reject himself and others will not be able to reject him. Therefore, he often avoids participating in group work and hangs out. He hides in his cocoon.
That is why the fugitive easily and willingly goes to astral travel: Unfortunately, these journeys are often made unconsciously. He may even think that it is a common occurrence and that others are there as often as he is. The fugitive's thoughts and ideas are constantly scattered; Sometimes you can hear from him: “I need to put myself together” - it seems to him that he consists of separate pieces. This impression is especially typical for those whose body resembles a structure made of disparate parts. More than once I have heard from fugitives: “I feel as if I am cut off from other people. As if I am not here.” Some have told me that they sometimes clearly feel their body being split in half - as if an invisible thread is cutting it at the waist. One of my friends had this thread dividing her body at chest level. As a result of using the detachment technique that I teach in one of my seminars, she felt that the upper and lower parts of her body were connected and was very surprised by the new sensation. It helped her realize that she hadn't truly been in her body since she was a child. She never knew what it meant to be earthbound.
At seminars I notice escapees, mostly women, who like to sit on a chair with their legs crossed underneath them; it seems that they would be more comfortable sitting on the ground. But, since they hardly touch the ground, it is not difficult for them to escape. But they pay money to attend our classes, and this fact confirms their intention - or at least the desire of some part of them - to be here, although it is very difficult for them to concentrate, to “collect themselves”. So I tell them that they have a choice - to go to the astral plane and miss what is happening here, or to remain anchored in their place and be present in the present.
As I said above, the runaway does not feel either acceptance or goodwill from a parent of the same sex. This does not necessarily mean that the parent is rejecting him. This is his, the fugitive's, personal feeling. This same soul could come to Earth in order to overcome the trauma of humiliation, and incarnate with these same parents with exactly the same attitude towards their child. On the other hand, it is self-evident that the fugitive is prone to experience the experience of being rejected more than any other person - say, a brother or sister - who does not have this trauma.
A person experiencing the suffering of a rejected person constantly seeks the love of a parent of the same sex; he may also transfer his search to other persons of the same sex. He will consider himself an incomplete being until he wins the love of his parent. He is very sensitive to the slightest comments from this parent and is always ready to decide that he is rejecting him. Bitterness and embitterment gradually develop in him, often turning into hatred - so great is his suffering. Don't forget that it takes a lot of love to hate. Hatred is strong but disappointed love. The wound of the rejected is so deep that of all the five characters, the fugitive is the most prone to hatred. He easily passes the stage great love to give in to great hatred. This is an indicator of severe internal suffering.
As for the parent of the opposite sex, the fugitive himself is afraid of rejecting him and in every possible way restrains himself in his actions and statements towards him. Because of his injury, he cannot be himself. He resorts to various tricks and precautions to avoid rejecting this parent - he does not want to be accused of rejecting anyone himself. On the other hand, he wants a parent of the same sex to curry favor with him - this allows him to not feel his rejection so acutely. He does not want to see that his suffering as a rejected person is caused by an internal, unresolved trauma, and the parent has nothing to do with it. If a runaway experiences the experience of being rejected by a parent (or other person) of the opposite sex, he blames himself for this and rejects himself.
If you see the trauma of being rejected in yourself, then for you, even if your parent really rejects you, it is very important to understand and accept the following thought: “it is because your trauma is not healed that you attract a certain type of situation and a certain parent.” As long as you believe that all your misfortunes are the fault of other people, your trauma cannot be healed. As a consequence of your reaction to own parents, you will very easily feel rejected by others of the same sex, and you will always be afraid of rejecting a person of the opposite sex yourself.
The deeper the trauma of the rejected person, the more strongly he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he finds himself rejected or rejects himself.
The more a fugitive rejects himself, the greater his fear of being rejected. He constantly humiliates and underestimates himself. He often compares himself with those who are stronger than him in some way, and thus develops a belief in his own second-classness. He does not notice that in some areas he may be superior to other people. He will never believe that someone would like to make friends with him, that someone sees him as a spouse, that they can truly love him. One mother told me about her children: they tell her that they love her, but she does not understand why they love her!
What happens is that the fugitive constantly lives in an uncertain state: if he is elected, he does not believe it and rejects himself - sometimes to such an extent that he actually provokes the situation; if he is not elected, then he feels rejected by others. One young man from large family told me that his father never entrusted him with anything, from which the child made a categorical conclusion that all other children were better than him. And it’s not surprising that now the father always chooses one of them. A vicious circle has formed.
The fugitive often says (or thinks) that all his deeds and thoughts are worthless. When attention is paid to him, he gets lost, it begins to seem to him that he takes up too much space. If he takes up a lot of space, he thinks that he is disturbing someone, which means he will be rejected by those whom he disturbs. Even in the womb, the fugitive does not take up extra space. He is doomed to languish until his injury is healed.
When he is talking and someone interrupts him, he instantly takes this as evidence that he is not worth listening to and habitually falls silent. A person who is not burdened by the trauma of the rejected person, in this case, also concludes that his statement turned out to be uninteresting - but not he himself! It is equally difficult for a fugitive to express his opinion when he is not asked: he feels that his interlocutors will see this as confrontation and reject him.
If he has a question or request for someone, but this person is busy, then he will not say anything. He knows what he wants, but he does not dare to ask for it, believing that it is not important enough to bother others.
Many women say that even in adolescence they stopped trusting their mother for fear of not being understood. They believe that to be understood is to be loved. Meanwhile, one has nothing in common with the other. Loving means accepting another, even if you don’t understand him. Because of this belief, they become evasive in conversation. And it turns out that they are always trying to get away from the subject of discussion, but are afraid to start something else. Of course, they behave this way not only with their mother, but also with other women. If the fugitive is a man, then his relationships with his father and other men are the same.
Another distinctive characteristic of the fugitive is the desire for perfection in everything he does: he believes that if he makes a mistake, he will be condemned, and being condemned for him is the same as being rejected. Since he does not believe in his own perfection, he tries to compensate for this by the perfection of what he does. Unfortunately, he confuses “to be” and “to do.” His search for perfection can reach the point of obsession. He is so passionate about doing everything perfectly that any work takes him an unreasonably long time. And ultimately, this is why he is rejected.
Reaching its limit, the fugitive’s fear turns into panic. At the mere thought of the possibility of panic, the first thing he does is look for somewhere to hide, run away, disappear. He would prefer to disappear because he knows that in a state of panic he will not move at all. He believes that by hiding somewhere, he will avoid trouble. He is so convinced of his inability to cope with panic that he ends up giving in to it very easily, even when there is no reason for it. The desire to hide and disappear is deeply characteristic of fugitives; I have more than once encountered cases of regression to the embryonic state. Such people said that they wanted to hide in their mother's belly - another evidence of how early this begins.
By attracting to himself, like a magnet, people and situations of which he is afraid, the fugitive in the same way provokes circumstances in which he panics. His fear, naturally, further dramatizes what is happening. He always finds any explanation for his flight or evasion.
The runaway panics and freezes especially easily in the presence of a parent or other people of the same sex (especially if they resemble that parent in any way). He does not experience this fear with his parent and with other people of the opposite sex; it is much easier for him to communicate with them. I also noticed that the word "panic" appears quite often in the fugitive's vocabulary. He may say, for example: "I feel panic fear when thinking about quitting smoking." Usually a person will simply say that it is difficult for him to quit smoking.
Our ego does everything it can to keep us from noticing our traumas. Why? Because we ourselves gave him this mandate. Unconsciously. We are so afraid of reliving the pain associated with each trauma that we use every means possible to avoid admitting to ourselves that we are experiencing the suffering of a rejected being because we are rejecting ourselves. And those who reject us came into our lives to show us how much we reject ourselves.
Fear of one's own panic in many situations leads the fugitive to lose his memory. He may even think that he has a memory problem, but in fact he has a fear problem. During the seminars on the course “Become a Mass Entertainer,” I more than once observed the following picture: one of the participants, a fugitive, must speak in front of the others and tell something or hold a mini-conference; but even when he is well prepared and knows his material, fear in last minute grows to such a level that everything flies out of the speaker’s head. Sometimes he simply leaves his body, and it freezes in front of us, as if paralyzed - like a sleepwalker. Fortunately, this problem is gradually resolved as he overcomes his rejection trauma.
It's interesting to see how our traumas affect our relationship with food. Man feeds his physical body according to the same scheme as the mental and emotional. The fugitive prefers small portions; he often loses his appetite when he experiences attacks of fear or other strong emotions. Of all the listed types, the fugitive is the most prone to anorexia: he almost completely refuses to eat because he seems too big and plump, although in reality the opposite is true. Weight loss below normal and exhaustion is his attempt to disappear. Sometimes appetite wins, and then the fugitive greedily pounces on food - this is also an attempt to disappear, to dissolve in food. However, fugitives rarely use this method; More often they are attracted to alcoholic drinks or drugs.
Runaways have a weakness for sweets, especially when they are overcome by extreme fear. Since fear robs a person of energy, it is natural to assume that introducing sugar into the body can replenish the loss. Indeed, sugar gives energy, but, unfortunately, not for long, so you have to replenish it in this way too often.
Our traumas prevent us from being ourselves; Because of this, blocks arise in the body and, as a result, diseases. Each character type has its own special ailments and diseases, determined by its internal mental structure.
Here are some common illnesses and ailments common to a fugitive.
He often suffers from DIARRHEA - he rejects, throws away food before the body has time to absorb the nutritional elements, just as he rejects a situation that could be beneficial for him.
Many suffer from ARRHYTHMIA - irregular heart rhythm. When the heart begins to beat like mad, they have the feeling that it wants to break out of the chest, fly away; this is another form of wanting to avoid a painful situation.
I have said before that the wound of being rejected is so painful that it is quite logical for the fugitive to develop hatred towards the parent of the same sex, whom he, while still a child, condemned for the suffering caused to him. However, the fugitive cannot forgive himself for hating his parent and prefers not to think or know about the existence of this hatred. Without giving himself the right to hate a parent of the same sex, he can lead himself to CANCER: this disease is associated with bitterness, anger, hatred - with heartache experienced alone. If a person manages to come to the recognition that he hated or hates a parent, there will be no cancer. He may develop an acute illness if he continues to harbor plans hostile to this parent, but it will not be cancer. Cancer most often manifests itself in someone who has suffered a lot, but only blames himself for it. It is really difficult to agree that you hate your father or mother, because it means admitting that you are evil and heartless; it also means admitting that you are rejecting the parent whom you yourself accused of rejecting you.
The fugitive does not give himself the right to be a child. He forces maturation, believing that this way he will suffer less from his injury. For this reason, his body (or some part of it) resembles the body of a child. Cancer indicates that he did not give the child in himself the right to suffer. He did not accept what is humanly fair - to hate a parent whom you consider to be the culprit of your suffering.
Among other diseases characteristic of a fugitive, we also see disturbances in RESPIRATORY FUNCTIONS, especially during panic.
The fugitive is susceptible to ALLERGIES - this is a reflection of the aversion that he has experienced or is experiencing in relation to certain foods or substances.
He may also choose VOMITING as an indicator of his disgust towards a certain person or situation. I have even heard such statements from teenagers: “I want to throw up my mother (or father).” The fugitive often wants to "sick up" a situation or a hated person and may express his feeling by saying: "This is a sickening person" or "Your talk makes me sick." All of these are ways to express your desire for someone or to reject something.
Dizziness or fainting are also suitable remedies if you really want to avoid a situation or person.
In serious cases, the fugitive is saved by COMA.
A runaway with AGORAPHOBIA uses this disorder when he wants to avoid certain situations and people that can cause him to panic (more about this behavioral disorder will be discussed in Chapter 3).
If a fugitive abuses sugar, it can trigger pancreatic diseases such as HYPOGLYCEMIA or DIABETES.
If he has accumulated too much hatred towards the parent as a result of the suffering he has experienced and is experiencing as a rejected being, and if he has reached his emotional and mental limit, then he may develop a DEPRESSIVE or MANIAC-DEPRESSIVE state. If he is planning suicide, he does not talk about it, and when he proceeds to action, he provides everything so as not to fail. Those who often talk about suicide and usually make mistakes when they take action belong rather to the category of the abandoned; they will be discussed in the next chapter.
Since childhood, it is difficult for a fugitive to recognize himself as a full-fledged human being, so he strives to be like the hero or heroine he adores, he is ready to get lost, to dissolve in his idol - for example, a young girl passionately desires to be Marilyn Monroe; this lasts until she decides to be someone else. The danger of such deviation in behavior is that over time it can turn into PSYCHOSIS.
The illnesses and ailments listed above are also possible in people with other types of trauma, but are still most common in those who feel rejected.
If you find yourself with rejection trauma, then it is more than likely that your same-sex parent also feels rejected by their same-sex parent; Moreover, there is a very high probability that he feels rejected by you too. This may not be realized by either party, yet it is true and has been confirmed by thousands of human fugitives.
Remember: the main reason for the existence of any trauma is the inability to forgive yourself for the wound inflicted on yourself or other people. Forgiving ourselves is very difficult because, as a rule, we do not even know that we are judging ourselves. The deeper your rejection wound, the more unmistakably it indicates that you are rejecting yourself - or rejecting other people, situations and projects.
We reproach others for what we do not want to see in ourselves.
This is why we attract those people who show us how we behave with others or with ourselves.
Another means of realizing that we are rejecting ourselves or rejecting another person is shame. Indeed, we experience shame when we want to hide or hide our behavior. It is normal to find shameful behavior in which we reproach others. We really don't want them to discover that we behave in the same way.
Remember: all of the above is experienced only if the suffering rejected person decides to wear the mask of a fugitive, believing that thereby he will avoid suffering proportionate to the depth of the trauma.
He wears this mask in some cases for several minutes a week, in others almost constantly.
The behavior characteristic of a fugitive is dictated by the fear of repeating the suffering of the rejected person. But it may also be that you recognize yourself in some of the behavioral characteristics described above, but not in all. A complete match of all characteristics is almost impossible. Each trauma has its own forms of behavior and internal states. The way a person thinks, feels, speaks and acts (in accordance with his traumas) determines his reaction to everything that happens in life. A person in a state of reaction cannot be balanced, cannot be concentrated in his heart, cannot experience well-being and happiness. That's why it's so important to recognize when you're reacting and when you're being yourself. If you succeed, then you have the opportunity to become the master of your life, and not let fears control it.
My goal in this chapter was to help you understand the trauma of being rejected. If you recognize yourself in the fugitive mask, then in the last chapter you will find full information about how to heal from this trauma, how to become yourself again and not suffer from the feeling that everyone rejects you. If you do not find this trauma in yourself, then I advise you to turn to those who know you well for confirmation; this will eliminate the error. As I already said, the trauma of the rejected may not be deep, and then you will only have some characteristic traits of the fugitive. Let me remind you that you should trust first of all the physical description, because the physical body never lies, in contrast to its owner, who is quite capable of deceiving himself.
If you detect this trauma in someone around you, you should not try to change him. Instead, use everything you learn in this book to develop more compassion for other people so you can better understand the nature of their reactive behavior. And it is better to let them read this book themselves if they become interested in the problem, than to try to retell its contents to them.
Characteristics of injury
REJECTED
Awakening trauma: from conception to one year; with the parent of your polo. Doesn't feel the right to exist.
Mask: fugitive.
Parent: same sex.
Body: compressed, narrow, fragile, fragmented.
Eyes: small, with an expression of fear; impression of a mask around the eyes.
Vocabulary: “nothing”, “nobody”, “does not exist”, “disappear”, “I’m sick of...”.
Character: Detachment from material things. The pursuit of excellence. Intelligence. Transitions through stages of great love to periods of deep hatred. Doesn't believe in his right to exist. Sexual difficulties. He considers himself useless and insignificant. Seeks solitude. It's stewing. Able to be invisible. Finds various ways to escape. Easily travels to the astral plane. He believes that he is not understood. He cannot allow his inner child to live in peace.
Most afraid of panic.
Nutrition: Appetite often disappears due to an influx of emotions or fear. Eats in small portions. Sugar, alcohol and drugs as escape methods. Predisposition to anorexia.
Typical diseases: skin, diarrhea, arrhythmia, respiratory dysfunction, allergies, vomiting, fainting, noma, hypoglycemia, diabetes, depression, suicidal tendencies, psychosis.
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I really love Liz Burbo's books and Maria Aber's trainings! In my opinion, the author of the training has a very keen sense of the essence of Bourbo’s methodology and knows how to present it in an accessible way, understandable even for a person without a psychological education, and wonderful exercises help to quickly move from theory to practice.
Rita R., Podolsk
This book literally reborn me! Just think - for three decades I lived with these fears, with this pain inside and was even afraid to look inside myself, to come closer to it. I lived and could not understand why I was so unlucky. The training filled me with strength - I was able to cope with my pain, I was able to accept myself and actually change my life!
Igor S., Samara
I always knew that the causes of my problems were rooted in childhood, but so what - no one could give me any advice on how to deal with it. Thanks to Maria Aber: thanks to her book, I was able to do this myself! It turned out that “loser” is not a death sentence. It's just a mask! And it's not that hard to take it off!
Maria B., Moscow
Maria Aber's book is an excellent guide for those who want to learn how to communicate with other people so that this communication is joyful and useful. If you want to have many friends, get along with colleagues, build wonderful relationships with relatives (including the relatives of your “other half”!) and, most importantly, with your loved one, then this book is for you. She helps me a lot personally.
Sergey B., Voronezh
This book is a must read for all parents! Then in 10–20 years there would be much fewer adults who would need to work with childhood traumas...
Anastasia B., St. Petersburg
Universal book! Love, friendship, work, money, health - no matter what you have problems with, you will find answers to all questions in it!
Timur D. Kazan
Maria Aber
Preface
At a certain point in life, many people come to a sad thought: it’s not possible to live the way they want.
“It’s too difficult to live the way you want,” these sad people say. - This is scary. We must start all over again. Others won't approve. The family won't understand. It just doesn’t happen that way.”
Indeed, there are many good reasons “against” trying to arrange life according to your own understanding. And literally a couple of reasons “for”: for example, desire to be happy... Refusing to even try, people become increasingly sad, gloomy, and sick. They look back and understand that it was worth taking a risk, trying, doing it. There was no need to follow fears, formalities, patterns, toxic relationships with others... Oh, if only!..
However, in this sad story it is possible happy end, and that's why. Try to create the life you want – happy, successful, full of love, – it's never too late.
Liz Burbo is the author of two dozen best-selling books, the founder of a personal growth system, an experienced coach and spiritual teacher for thousands of people from all over the world. In her advanced years, Burbo is full of activity, energy and curiosity: she travels around the world with seminars and trainings, speaks at conferences, writes articles and books. Bourbo's students and followers regularly conduct seminars on her system in different countries, including in Russia.
The Liz Burbo system was initially based on the idea that through establishing a dialogue with one’s own body, in cooperation with it, a person would recognize and then become aware of himself, his true needs, desires and abilities.
Inspired by the works of Alexander Lowen, Wilhelm Reich and other classics of body-oriented therapy, Burbo dedicated body, body capabilities And body consciousness more than one book. However, gradually the idea of the relationship between the mental and the physical in the interpretation of Liz Burbo expanded into a life-forming concept: Burbo invited readers to ask serious questions.
For example, like this:
Why am I living?
Why am I not living the way I want?
What does it mean to be “responsible for your life”?
Why is it difficult for me to be sincere with loved ones?
What is hidden behind anxiety and apathy?
How do I know what I really want?
Liz Burbo invites her followers, like-minded people and readers to get out of their “comfort zone” and ask themselves uncomfortable questions. But as an experienced mentor and true spiritual leader, she never leaves at a crossroads those who dare to change something and change themselves. She takes them by the hand, prompts, recommends, calms, pleases - in general, she makes every effort to ensure that a person’s desire to live more consciously, happier, more successfully is fulfilled.
This training book is based on the Bourbo system (but is not limited to it!), compiled by an experienced practicing psychologist and allows the reader to independently (but not alone!) solve the following problems:
Realize responsibility for your life, first of all, to yourself;
Discover, name and heal personal emotional traumas;
Learn to truly love yourself;
Find faith in your strength and peace in your heart;
Make relationships with people around you more harmonious;
Realize your true desires, recognize your true self, and therefore begin to live more consciously;
Let success into your life.
The algorithm for solving these non-trivial and completely difficult problems will be described in detail in four parts of the training book. Based mainly on the ideas of Liz Burbo, the compiler of the book supplemented the training with references to other psychological concepts, and also devoted Special attention practical exercises that can be done alone, anywhere, anytime, and have been proven to be effective. The theoretical part of each chapter is certainly accompanied by several practical exercises.
"Be happy – natural state" – Liz Burbo repeats over and over again, in almost every article and book. From her own experience and the experience of many people, she proved that by believing in the naturalness of happiness, a person will be able to believe in himself, which means he will be able to bring beneficial, positive changes into life.
Part one
Permission to live
Chapter first
The Experience of Pain: Recognizing and Healing Personal Trauma
They say that childhood is the most carefree time. Like, a little man lives, he’s not responsible for anything, he runs and jumps and doesn’t know any problems. Nonsense, of course. Childhood is perhaps the most difficult period of life, the most eventful and eventful. Happy and unhappy at the same time. The most dramatic one, if you will.
Deeply experienced childhood events, moments of happiness and grief have life-long consequences, influencing the personality of an already mature person, his actions, worldview, and relationships with others.
Fortunately, it is no longer a secret to anyone that the main people for any child are always: parents, and it is relationships with them that influence the development of personality more than relationships with anyone else. The family is the beginning and core of any child’s coordinate system, the starting point. Parents are his main teachers, “healers” and, alas, “saboteurs” too. Psychological and mental trauma, without which no childhood is actually complete, is usually inflicted by parents intentionally or accidentally (usually the latter).
Thus, many years of observations of children and adults, single and married people, physically healthy and not very strong allowed Liz Burbo to put forward the following assumption: every person goes through four stages as they grow older.
The first stage is learning the joy of existence, of being yourself.
The second stage is suffering from the fact that you cannot be yourself.
The third stage is a period of crisis, rebellion.
The fourth stage is the “construction of a new personality” or, in other words, the selection of a mask that more closely matches the expectations of adults from the child.
Mask, according to Bourbo, it becomes a skillful substitute for everything that is real in a person: character, habits, affections, desires, even food preferences. The mask is either worn for a few minutes a day (if the injury is not deep and partially resolved), or worn almost constantly (if the injury is deep, not resolved and still causes suffering). The mask is designed to protect and, indeed, protects us - from new injuries, from our own imperfections, from pain, from dangers...
But at what cost!
After all, wearing a mask means never being yourself.
Could the punishment be more severe?
Gradually, Burbo systematized her observations and proposed the original concept of five masks as an expression of the five mental traumas most often experienced by a person.
The five injuries, according to Burbo, can be designated as follows:
Trauma of the abandoned (trauma corresponds to the mask of the dependent).
Trauma of the outcast (mask of the fugitive).
Trauma of the humiliated (masochist mask).
Trauma of betrayal (mask of the controller).
Trauma of injustice (mask of rigidity).
“There is not a single person who has not at least once been rejected, abandoned, betrayed, humiliated, or treated unfairly. It hurts, it makes you angry, it upsets you. However, we experience pain solely by choice. This happens when the ego manages to convince us that someone else should be blamed for our suffering, – Bourbo expresses a paradoxical thought. – But in life there are no guilty people; there are only those who suffer.”
However, in order to accept the suffering part, that is, the mask - your own or another person's - Liz Burbo suggests first getting acquainted with all five and identifying the distinctive signs of each trauma-mask.
It is important to understand that each of the five injuries described by Bourbo has a nasty property - obsession. Once it “hits” a person’s soul, it will be repeated and returned, and each time experienced as a new traumatic experience. Until the trauma is processed, experienced and accepted, a person unconsciously attracts events and people into his life that confirm his worthlessness, inappropriateness, and uselessness.
In a word, a person injures himself again and again, without even realizing it.
So, if you feel that unpleasant events in life are repeated again and again, that you seem to be missing right to life that others are better than you, then it’s time to finally stop pretending that everything is in order, and determine what kind of trauma was inflicted on you in time immemorial, and what protective mask, according to Liz Burbo’s classification, you chose. Only in this way, through awareness and pain, is healing possible. And after healing - a new, happy life.
Characteristics of injury rejected who wears a mask fugitive
First trauma: from the moment of conception to one year.
Rejection comes from same-sex parent who either did not want a child or wanted a child of a different gender. Because of such a global discrepancy, the fugitive does not feel the right to exist.
Body expression: compressed, narrow, fragile, as if “escaping”.
“nothing”, “nobody”, “does not exist”, “disappear”, “I’m sick of...”.
Detachment from material things. The pursuit of excellence. Focus on the spiritual, intellectual. Strives for solitude, for “escape.” Wants to be invisible. He believes that he is not understood. Addiction to sweets or alcohol as a way to escape.
Characteristics of injury abandoned who wears a mask dependent
First trauma: between one and three years.
Apply parent of the opposite sex. As a rule, the “abandoned” child suffers from either the absence or lack of communication with the parent of the opposite sex. The reason is the emotional detachment of the parent, his complete physical absence, lack of interest in the child or lack of warm, emotional contact between the child and the parent.
Body expression: elongated, thin, flabby body, long arms, curved back. Big sad eyes.
Favorite words and expressions:“there is no one”, “absent”, “alone”, “don’t leave”, “carry out”, “don’t leave”.
Manifestations in everyday life: In relationships, he tends to merge with others and does not tolerate separation well. Ready to do anything just not to be alone. Most of all, he needs outside support, positive reinforcement. Lacking a resource of support and love within himself, he constantly seeks and even demands attention from others, but the inner emptiness is insatiable. It is difficult for him to do or decide anything alone. Sad, tearful, prone to mood swings. Most of all he fears loneliness.
Characteristics of injury humiliated who wears a mask masochist
First trauma: over a period of one to three years.
Apply by the parent who is involved in the physical development of the child (usually the mother). Typically this is overly controlling parent which provokes a reaction of shame and a feeling of humiliation in the child.
Body expression: fat, short, chubby.
Favorite words:“worthy”, “undignified”, “small”, “fat”.
Manifestations in everyday life: Often he is ashamed of himself or others, and in order to dull the shame, he uses control - also of himself or others. Does not listen to his needs, including sexual ones, although he knows them. Hyper-responsible. Low self-esteem. Prone to self-torture of a psychological nature: “I am bad, disgusting, unworthy and cannot become worthy.” Most of all he fears freedom.
Characteristics of injury devoted, who wears a mask controlling
First trauma: in the period from two to four years, that is, during the normative experience of the Oedipus complex.
Apply parent of the opposite sex, when a mother or father does not behave as the child expects from them, manipulates, places unrealistic expectations on the child, or generally evades parental responsibilities. As a result, the child loses trust in the parent, and therefore in the world in general.
Body expression: a real tough guy. It’s like a deliberately strong, athletic, toned body.
Favorite words and expressions:“separate”, “do you understand?”, “I can”, “I can handle it myself”, “I knew it”, “I told you so”, “believe me”, “I know”, “I there’s something on his mind”, “I don’t trust him”, “break up”.
Manifestations in daily life: Impatient and intolerant. Difficulties with trust. Skepticism hides vulnerability. He pretends to be responsible, obligatory, important, but in reality it costs him enormous effort to keep his promise or at least not to forget about what he promised. Loves praise. He cannot stand lies from others, although he himself easily lies. Needs leadership, formal or informal. If the bosses are good, then he is a good performer. Most of all he is afraid of divorce, breakup, separation.
Characteristics of Survivor Trauma injustice, who wears a mask rigid
First trauma: between the ages of four and six, when a child first begins to experience and appreciate his or her individuality.
If, for various reasons, a child cannot show individuality, does not have the skill or conditions for self-expression, traumatization occurs: the child experiences this as injustice and turns to anger, resentment, sadness to a parent of the same sex.
As a rule, relationships with parents are superficial. Often the traumatizing parent is cold, inattentive, and is unable to establish trusting contact with the child. As a result, the survivor of injustice seems to separate himself from his emotions, gives himself the attitude “I don’t feel anything” and puts on a mask of rigidity.
Body expression: a well-built, proportional body, but constrained in movements. Tense neck and jaw. Posture is straight and proud.
Favorite words and expressions:“no problem”, “always, never”, “very good, very kind”, “exactly so”, “am I right?”, “if I’m not mistaken”, “exactly”, “quite fair”, “of course”, "Do you agree?".
Everyday manifestations: He strives for perfection in every possible way and is overly demanding of himself. He thinks not about who he is, but about what he does. Since childhood, he has become accustomed to thinking that he is valued not for who he is, but solely for his achievements and actions. Often believes that others are luckier than him. There is no contact with one's own feelings. Doesn't like and doesn't know how to ask for help. Prone to doubt, to comparing oneself and others. Moreover, in comparison it always loses. He constantly carries a feeling of guilt, believing that he is unworthy of pleasure, joy, and praise. In emotional manifestations he is inhibited, but what he is most afraid of from others is coldness.
Do you recognize your mask? Did several types seem painfully familiar to you at once? Not you, but did the mask fit someone close and acquaintances? Both this and this are absolutely normal.
What makes the classification proposed by Bourbo convenient is its universality and at the same time flexibility. Highlighting the main characteristic features and typical manifestations, Liz Burbo constantly repeats that different people wear the same protective mask in different ways - there are no “textbook” injuries, no absolutely identical manifestations of suffering. Everything is dictated by our individuality. In addition, it often happens that a person experiences several mental traumas and, accordingly, puts on several masks - one on top of the other or in turn.
To accurately recognize your (or your neighbor's) injury, Liz Burbo recommends several techniques:
Search and highlight basic, key signs of injury, because if the injury is not very deep and moderately severe, then everyone the described symptoms may not exist;
Don’t be afraid to “feel” the mask on your face, remembering that at one time the mask was vital. Her protection may have allowed you to survive or reduce your suffering;
Treat mental trauma calmly and purposefully: this is just as normal and natural as treating physical ailments or illnesses.
Of course, Liz Burbo has her own method for healing mental trauma. It is successfully used to treat even old, deep, poorly recognized injuries and includes several stages - several steps.
First step- this, whatever one may say, is an acknowledgment of one’s trauma, its presence and role in one’s life. In other words, if you continue to pretend that you are not sick, you will not be able to recover. One way or another, you will have to see your mental trauma, determine its “type”, and then acknowledge its existence (but, note, not a priority for managing your life!).
“A person lives in order to work through what has not been worked through, and to resolve what weighs on him with the burden of suffering,” says Liz Burbo.
Well, that makes sense.
Second step to healing - to accept your trauma and give it at least a piece of unconditional love. Let’s say right away – it’s incredibly difficult!
Firstly, unconditional love (according to Burbo, this means “accept, even if you don’t agree or don’t understand”) is not given “for free”, it must be cultivated in oneself gradually and persistently. There is no single, universal, understandable way for everyone to develop unconditional love, but some possibilities and techniques will be described later in this book.
Secondly, the more unbearable the trauma, the more intense love it requires. However, the effort is worth it: as soon as your throbbing pain, your tired mask feels that it is not being persecuted, but loved, the evil spell will begin to melt away. Checked!
Finally, third step is to go through the four stages of development described at the beginning of this chapter again, only in reverse order - from the fourth to the first. At the first stage you will have to see your mask. On the second, work with your resistance, which will certainly arise and will be expressed in rebellion, indignation, and denial of the obvious. Perhaps you will slam the book in indignation (“What nonsense! This is not about me!”). You may want to shift responsibility to others (“They are all to blame!”). Perhaps portray humility (“I lived before and I will live again”). Find the strength to overcome resistance.
On fourth step you will need to return to the moment of initial traumatization: to suffer badly, to be angry with your parents, to feel sorry for your little self. This stage should end with saying goodbye to childhood anger and gaining sympathy for parents and forgiving them. Fourth step– it is also a return to your true self, a farewell to the mask, a greeting to your true “I”, open to experience and love.
“Seeing pain, recognizing it, saying hello to it is not easy. This is extremely difficult and also scary. But if work with trauma is successful, then the person gains the experience of true self-compassion. It is as if he gives himself permission to experience, and at the same time, he reduces the level of anger, shame and malice in his soul. The pain must be experienced and released, and under no circumstances should it be suppressed. In the latter case, it will not go away, but will only cripple the soul deeper,” – recommends Burbo.
How do you know that you are on the right path and your injuries are slowly healing?
Liz Burbo claims that trauma rejected you are close to healing if you allow yourself to take up more and more space in your life, allow yourself to simply be and find an effective way to self-affirmation and self-realization.
Injury abandoned is close to healing if loneliness becomes bearable and even pleasant, if independence and determination grow, and the need for outside support becomes less annoying.
Injury humiliated is close to healing if control and demands on oneself weaken. If a person is able to ask for help and accept help, this is also a good sign.
Injury betrayal is close to healing if a person experiences disruption of plans, sudden separation more calmly, or if a good deed went unnoticed by others.
Injury injustice is close to healing if a person gives himself permission to make mistakes, if he has access to emotions and feelings, if crying in front of strangers no longer means disgracing himself.
As symptoms weaken and mental trauma (no matter what) is healed, a person’s emotional independence, self-reliance, and attentiveness to their needs increases. Cultivating emotional independence, a person gradually learns that the “levers” for suffering, as well as for happiness, are in himself, in his perception, in his personality, in his psyche.
Below you will find exercises that help you work independently with mental trauma and promote healing.
Exercise 1.
"Safe place"
Before execution:
Performance:
Find a quiet, quiet place. Make yourself comfortable. Take a few breaths in and out. Close your eyes and try to imagine your safe place. A safe place means a place where you feel calm, happy, and serene. This place can be anywhere and can have any size and shape. The main thing is to present it as detailed and realistic as possible.
So where is this place? Even if it's a fictional country or another planet, come up with a name for it! What is the landscape like in a safe place, what is the weather like? What time of year is it? Is your safe place indoors, or is it outdoors? What smells accompany it? Who lives in a safe place besides you?
You can “populate” it with anyone, even fairy-tale characters. The main thing is that the inhabitants, the landscape, and the climate are 100% safe, instilling joy and tranquility.
Imagine to your heart's content. Imagine everything in detail, do not be shy about the wildness of your imagination - after all, this is only yours a safe place, and no one will go there without your invitation. When you feel satisfied, gradually return to this reality. Take your time to “jump” from here to there, breathe deeply. Open your eyes and make sure where you are. Say out loud the current date and year, and your name. Ground yourself well.
After execution:
You are free to travel to a safe place from time to time, gradually saturating it with new details, details, elements, people and animals. If you wish, after your next trip you can write down what you saw there, or even better, sketch it.
When the safe place also becomes familiar enough to you, you can try to record your own feelings about it. Try to be attentive to positive emotions, learn to distinguish between “joy” and “delight,” “happiness” and “surprise”... Don’t block yourself from positive emotions, because they are the resource for liberation from mental trauma.
Exercise 2.
"Calm Breathing"
Before execution:
This exercise suggests mastering breathing with the diaphragm - in other words, belly breathing, the most natural breathing for a person.
Performance:
Sit comfortably and place your hands on your knees or armrests to slightly release your shoulders.
1. Take a deep breath (for about 4 seconds) through your nose, directing the air into your lower abdomen.
2. Hold your breath for 1-2 seconds.
3. Exhale slowly (about 4 seconds) through your mouth.
4. Wait a few seconds before inhaling and exhaling again.
There are 6-8 breathing cycles per minute, and this is quite enough. If you experience symptoms of hyperventilation such as dizziness, ringing in the ears, blurred vision, stop doing it. Don't hold your breath. Try to keep your body as relaxed as possible.
After execution:
Practice diaphragmatic breathing twice a day for five minutes. At first, do the exercise when you are more or less calm. Then you can easily switch to a calm mode, and the breathing exercise will protect you from “overload” and stress.
Exercise 3.
"Problem"
Before execution:
The exercise is aimed at reducing the significance of a problem situation and moving towards inner peace. It is recommended to perform it after you have determined the type of mask you have and have begun working to free yourself from personal mental trauma.
Liz Burbo argues that it is not the traumatic event itself that matters, but your relationship with him. As soon as you decide to free yourself from the reaction to trauma, its presence in life will begin to decrease, and the mask will begin to “slip.” This exercise is to help you on a difficult but true path.
Performance:
Sit comfortably. Think about a problem, a situation, a character trait, an existing relationship, a recurring reaction - something that does not suit you, that is unpleasant, annoying or painful for you. State the essence of the problem in two or three sentences.
Then think about someone with whom you recently discussed this problem. Remember the situation, the flow of the conversation, the setting, the person’s face. If you prefer to keep your problems to yourself, think about the environment in which you last thought about your troubles. Where was it - on the street, at work, in the car? What was happening around? Who was an unwitting witness to your painful thoughts?
Try to step back from your situation and become purely an observer. Remember your loved ones, acquaintances, relatives, friends. What problems, troubles, troubles do they have? How is your problem similar to the problems of people you know? Think about it.
As you are ready, expand your range of fantasies. Remember what problems exist in your team, in your city, in your country? What is common between all unpleasant and all joyful situations? What joys and sorrows are there in life (in yours and in general)? Take your time. Try to enjoy the process.
Then imagine as if you are looking through a special microscope, through which you can see literally everything - the entire Earth, the Solar System, the Galaxy... What kind of troubles are there?
at Space? What's troubling planet Earth? Does the Galaxy have emotions?.. Imagine!
And then return your thoughts to your original problem. Formulate the main thing in it again. How do you see it now, after reflection? How serious do you think it is?
After execution:
As a rule, after completing the exercise, it is possible to reformulate the essence of the problem, and the vision of life’s troubles softens; they no longer seem so insurmountable, fatal, or determining the course of life.
Exercise 4.
“Resentment is out”
Before execution:
This simple exercise allows you to feel a little calmer about what hurts and those who caused pain.
Performance:
Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Try to breathe from your diaphragm.
Clench your fists and imagine that you are holding your grudge in your hands. Stretch your arms as hard as you can. Feel the tension in your fists, in your muscles, in your shoulders, throughout your whole body... and then sharply unclench your fist, relax your muscles, relax your whole body, face. Exhale loudly. Let go of grudges. Imagine them falling to the floor, rolling and disappearing. Or they crumble into small pieces, shatter into pieces, and they are no longer there.
After execution:
Congratulations. Your resentment has disappeared.
Purely by chance, in a bookstore, my hand reached out to Liz Burbo’s book “5 Traumas That Prevent You from Being Yourself.” Having bought this book, I read it in 2 days and realized that it was not at all by chance that I fell into my hands, it was just time to deal with my childhood trauma, which affects my adult life. As strange as it may sound, while reading this book, it seemed to me that the author knew me even better than I knew myself, as well as my loved ones and acquaintances. If you are interested, but you don’t have time to read the book, then I wrote this article for you.
Perhaps we should start with the fact that every person has a trauma, and maybe more than one, that he received in childhood thanks to his mother or father, or the person who raised him. This trauma forces us to put on a mask in life in order not to experience pain, betrayal and humiliation again. The fear of being abandoned or rejected again forces us to adhere to a certain pattern of behavior so that no one will ever guess about our suffering, not even ourselves. Liz Burbo, as a result of many years of practice, has identified 5 traumas that prevent us from living, masks that we unknowingly put on, and methods for healing childhood wounds.
5 injuries that interfere with life:
- Trauma - Rejected
A person who has received this injury does not feel the right to exist in this world. It may be an unwanted child who was nevertheless born, or it may be a child who was rejected by a parent of the same sex from the moment of birth to one year. Such a person has been wearing the “Fugitive” mask since childhood; he longs to run away, disappear, evaporate and not take up so much space. For this reason, by the way, he looks very thin, even skinny, since the body reacts to subconscious desire. You will always see fear in the eyes of a fugitive, he is very unsure of himself, he feels awkward in large companies, is always silent and tries to disappear as quickly as possible and find himself in such comfortable solitude. Another one characteristic feature the fugitive - the desire for perfection in everything; if he does something, he does it perfectly or does not begin to do it at all. In this way, he tries to realize himself and prove to himself that there is something to love him for. People suffering from the trauma of being rejected often have problems with the skin, since it is the organ of contact with the outside world; problematic skin seems to push away from itself external world and says with all his appearance: “Don’t touch me.” Also, such people tend to suffer from diarrhea, since they themselves suffer from the trauma of being rejected, they reject food that has not had time to be digested. For the same reason, they may often vomit. Some escapees escape from reality with the help of alcohol, this helps them temporarily disappear and stop experiencing aching pain.
- Trauma - Abandoned
The next of the 5 traumas that interfere with life is abandonment. A person who carries this trauma within himself received it because of a parent of the opposite sex, since he did not pay him due attention, did not show care and love. This is why someone suffering from abandonment trauma experiences constant emotional hunger and strives to “catch on” to another person in order to satisfy this hunger. The mask used by the abandoned is “Dependent”. He is sure that he cannot achieve anything on his own, without the support of other people, he simply needs words of approval and advice, which he then, by the way, does not follow. The main thing for him is to have a person nearby whom he can rely on, since he is not confident in his abilities. The addict’s physique corresponds to his injury: a thin, long body that has underdeveloped muscles. From the outside it seems that the muscular system will not support his body and in order not to fall, the person simply needs to lean on someone. This happens in life too. Experiencing emotional hunger, the addict strives to find at least someone to depend on. At the same time, he does not know how to control his emotions: he gets upset over a trifle, cries easily, and after a minute he can laugh again. Such a person is usually very suspicious, inclined to exaggerate and dramatize everything, “making mountains out of molehills” - this is about her. More than anything else, an addict is afraid of loneliness, because then there is no one to get attention, support and help from. A person suffering from abandonment trauma often has a childish timbre of voice, likes to ask a lot of questions and has difficulty accepting rejection, as this again makes him feel abandoned. The most common diseases associated with this injury are asthma, myopia, migraines and depression.
- Trauma - humiliated
A humiliated child experiences insults, criticism, and reproach from a very early age, but most often the trauma of the humiliated child manifests itself if the child hears all this from his mother in the period from 1 to 3 years. If the mother accuses the child, making him feel guilty and ashamed, then he, in turn, perceives this as humiliation, especially if the conversation takes place in front of strangers. In the future, such a child puts on the “Masochist” mask. This means that a person will look for problems, humiliation and various situations in which he can suffer. Since childhood, he has experienced humiliation, has not heard a kind word, so he does not consider himself worthy of a different attitude, even to himself. Since he is used to always being ashamed of everything, the body listens to his subconscious and grows in its volume. A masochist takes up a lot of space not only in space, but also in the lives of other people. He strives to help everyone, solve problems for them, give advice and point out. Such a person seems kind because he voluntarily takes part in the problems of other people, but in fact this behavior is motivated by the fear of shame in front of others and himself. He is ready to do everything so that he is no longer criticized and finally praised! A masochist is usually hypersensitive, the slightest trifle hurts and offends him, but he, as a rule, does not even notice those moments when he offends and hurts other people. A person with the trauma of humiliation often suffers from back diseases, since he takes an unbearable burden on his shoulders - responsibility for the lives of other people, as well as respiratory diseases, when he is suffocated by other people's problems, thyroid gland, since it is difficult for him to realize his needs and express his own requirements.
- Trauma is betrayal
This trauma is experienced by a child aged 2-4 years with a parent of the opposite sex. The child feels that the parent has betrayed him every time he does not keep his word, prefers someone else over him, or when he abuses the child's trust. In this case, the child, in order not to feel the pain of the injury, wears a “Controller” mask. The body develops in accordance with this mask, it radiates strength and power, showing with all its appearance that the owner is a responsible person and can be trusted. Such a person is confident in his abilities, he loves to be the first and the best, he is used to controlling himself and others. He is very demanding of others as well as himself and is often disappointed that he cannot trust them with anything and has to do everything himself. The controller loves speed in his actions, so he gets very annoyed when someone does his job slowly. Often such a person becomes aggressive if the situation gets out of his control. He tries to foresee and plan everything in order to avoid another betrayal in his life. He rarely listens to others and acts as he sees fit, but demands from others that they strictly follow his recommendations. People who carry the trauma of betrayal most often suffer from problems with the digestive system, agrophobia, joint diseases and diseases whose names end in -it.
- Trauma is injustice
A child experiences this trauma primarily with a same-sex parent between the ages of three and five. Protective mask- “Rigidity.” Rigid strives for justice and perfection, it is very difficult for him to understand that what he does may seem unfair to others and vice versa - how others treat him may seem unfair only to him, since he suffers from this trauma. The rigid physique is perfect and proportional, because this is fair... Such a person is very hardworking, he has always been valued for his achievements and successes, and not just like that. But he is often prone to conflicts, as he is an ardent fighter for justice. The biggest fear for a rigid person is the fear of making a mistake, because then he may act unfairly towards others, and he tries to prevent this. Unfortunately, a rigid person often refuses the blessings of life if he considers it unfair for others and envies others if he believes that they are not worthy of it. In such a constant struggle, he earns himself nervous exhaustion, constipation, loss of vision and insomnia.
The first step to healing 5 traumas that interfere with life is their awareness, acceptance and only then working with them. By the way, you don’t need to blame your parents for everything, because as Liz Burbo writes in her book, souls already knew what traumas in life they needed to receive in order to work out their karma and simply chose parents who would provide for them necessary conditions. Responsibility for your life always lies with you, and other people and situations are a reflection of your internal solution experience certain lessons.
You can read more detailed information in Liz Burbo's book “Five Injuries That Prevent You from Being Yourself” and I hope that you will be able to heal your life.
With love, Yulia Kravchenko
If you have any questions while reading the article, you can ask me. I will be happy to answer you!
Characteristics of Rejected Trauma:
Awakening Trauma: from the moment of conception to one year; with same-sex parent. Doesn't feel the right to exist.
Mask: fugitive.
Parent: same sex.
Body: compressed, narrow, fragile, fragmented.
Eyes: small, with an expression of fear; impression of a mask around the eyes.
Dictionary: “nothing”, “nobody”, “does not exist”, “disappear”, “I’m sick of...”.
Character: Detachment from the material. The pursuit of excellence. Intelligence. Transitions through stages of great love to periods of deep hatred. Doesn't believe in his right to exist.
Sexual difficulties. He considers himself useless and insignificant. Seeks solitude. It's stewing. Able to be invisible. Finds various ways to escape. Easily travels to the astral plane. He believes that he is not understood. He cannot allow his inner child to live in peace.
Most afraid: panic.
Nutrition: Appetite often disappears due to an influx of emotions or fear. Eats in small portions. Sugar, alcohol and drugs as escape methods. Predisposition to anorexia.
Typical diseases: Skin, diarrhea, arrhythmia, respiratory dysfunction, allergies, vomiting, fainting, coma, hypoglycemia, diabetes, depression, suicidal tendencies, psychosis.
Fugitive diseases:
Among other diseases characteristic of a fugitive, we also see disorders respiratory functions, especially during times of panic.
The fugitive is susceptible allergies- this is a reflection of the rejection that he has experienced or is experiencing in relation to certain foods or substances.
He can choose vomiting as an indicator of his disgust towards a certain person or situation. I have even heard such statements from teenagers: “I want to throw up my mother (or father).” The fugitive often wants to “sick up” a situation or a hated person and may express his feeling by saying: “This is a sickening person” or “Your talk makes me sick.” All of these are ways to express your desire for someone or something to reject.
Dizziness or fainting- also suitable means if you really want to avoid a situation or person.
In serious cases, the fugitive is saved coma.
Fugitive, suffering agoraphobia, uses this disorder when he wants to avoid certain situations and people that can cause him to panic (more about this behavioral disorder will be discussed in Chapter 3).
If a fugitive abuses sugar, it can cause pancreatic diseases such as hypoglycemia or diabetes.
If he has accumulated too much hatred towards the parent as a result of the suffering he has experienced and is experiencing as a rejected being, and if he has reached his emotional and mental limit, then he may develop depressive or manic-depressive state. If he is planning suicide, he does not talk about it, and when he proceeds to action, he provides everything so as not to fail. Those who often talk about suicide and usually make mistakes when they take action belong rather to the category of the abandoned; they will be discussed in the next chapter.
Since childhood, it is difficult for a fugitive to recognize himself as a full-fledged human being, so he strives to be like the hero or heroine he adores, he is ready to get lost, to dissolve in his idol - for example, a young girl passionately desires to be Marilyn Monroe; this lasts until she decides to be someone else.
The danger of such deviation in behavior is that over time it can turn into psychosis.
Schizoid character structure.
Description
The term "schizoid" comes from "schizophrenia" and means a person who has a predisposition to a schizophrenic state. This includes the splitting of the personality as a single whole, for example, thinking is separated from feelings. What a person thinks seems to have little apparent connection with what he feels or how he behaves; withdrawal, rupture or loss of contact with the world or with external reality. A schizoid individual is not a schizophrenic and may never become one, but a predisposition to this disease is present in his personality, usually well compensated.
The term "schizoid" describes a person whose sense of self is diminished, whose ego is weak, and whose contact with the body and with the feelings is greatly weakened.
Bioenergy conditions
Energy is removed from the peripheral structures of the body, namely from those parts through which the body is in contact with the outside world: the face, hands, genitals and legs. They are not fully energetically connected to the center, that is, excitation from the center does not flow freely to them, but is blocked by chronic muscle tension at the base of the head, shoulders, pelvis and hip joints. Therefore, the functions performed by them are separated from the feelings in the human heart.
The internal charge tends to “freeze” in the center area. As a result, a weak impulse is formed. However, the charge is explosive (due to its pressure) and can erupt in the form of violence or murder. This happens when defenses can no longer hold back and the body is filled with a huge amount of energy that it cannot cope with. The personality is divided into many parts, resulting in a schizophrenic state.
The defense consists of a pattern of muscle tension that together continuously holds the personality, preventing the peripheral structures from being filled with feelings and energy. Muscular tensions, such as those described above, are responsible for cutting off the peripheral organs from contact with the center.
Defense is therefore problematic. In the waist area there is an energetic splitting of the body, and as a result of this - disintegration of the integrity of the upper and lower halves of the body. Bioenergy analysis is shown in the diagram.
Physical aspects
In most cases, patients with such signs have a narrow and tight body. Where paranoid elements are present in the personality, the body is fuller and more athletic in appearance.
The main areas of tension are at the base of the skull, in the joints of the shoulders, legs, pelvis and in the diaphragm. The latter is usually so powerful that it splits the body into two parts. The main compression is concentrated in the small muscles that surround the joints. Therefore, in this type of character one can observe either extreme rigidity or hyperflexibility of the joints.
The face is mask-like. The eyes, although not empty, as in schizophrenia, are lifeless and do not make contact. The arms hang, more like appendages than extensions of the body. Feet tense and cold; they are often everted; body weight is transferred to the outer side of the foot.
There is often a noticeable discrepancy between the two halves of the body. In many cases they do not appear to belong to the same person.
For example, under stress, when a person assumes an arched position, the line of his body often appears broken. The head, torso and legs are often at an angle to each other.
Psychological relationships
The person does not feel whole /14/. The tendency towards disunity, which arises at the bodily level due to insufficient energetic connection between the head and the body, leads to a split personality. Thus, you can find a pose of arrogance combined with humiliation, or a virgin who feels like a whore. In the latter case, the body seems to be divided into two parts - upper and lower.
The schizoid character exhibits hypersensitivity due to a weak ego boundary, which is the psychological counterpart of the lack of peripheral charge. This weakness reduces the ego's resistance to external pressure and forces it into self-defense.
Such people avoid close, sensual relationships. In fact, it is very difficult for them to establish such relationships due to the lack of energy in the peripheral structures.
The desire to always motivate actions gives schizoid behavior a tinge of insincerity. This has been called “as if” behavior, i.e. it appears to be based on feelings, but the actions themselves are not an expression of feelings.
Etiological and historical factors
Here it seems important to provide some data on the origin of this structure. These are the summarized observations of those who have studied this problem, treated and analyzed patients with such disorders.
In all cases there is clear evidence that the patients were rejected by their mother at an early age, which they perceived as an existential threat. The rejection was accompanied by hidden and often open hostility on her part.
Rejection and hostility developed in the patient a fear that any attempts at contact, demands or self-assertion would lead to his own destruction.
From childhood comes a lack of any strong positive feelings of security or joy, frequent nightmares.
Typical of such patients is both detached and unemotional behavior with occasional outbursts of rage, which is called autistic.
If either parent repeatedly intervened in the child's life during the oedipal period (for example, for sexual reasons), which is very common, then a paranoid element was added to the main symptom. This made some activity possible in late childhood or adulthood.
In all this, the child has no choice but to separate himself from reality (the intense life of the imagination) and from his body (the abstract mind) in order to survive. Due to the fact that his main feelings were horror and mortal rage, the child fenced himself off from all feelings through self-defense.
By voice:
· The fugitive's voice is weak and powerless.
Dance manner:
· The fugitive does not like dancing. If he dances, his movements are minimal and inexpressive; he does not want to be noticed. It seems to say: “Don’t look at me for too long.”
Car selection:
· The fugitive loves unobtrusive cars of a dull color.
Sitting posture:
· The fugitive shrinks, trying to take up as little space as possible in the chair. He loves to tuck his legs under himself: when he is not connected to the ground, it is easier to escape.
Fears:
· The fugitive's greatest fear is panic. He cannot properly realize this because he hides, disappears as soon as he begins to panic, or even before it begins. Those around you see panic without difficulty - it is almost always your eyes that give it away.
Trauma by gender:
· The trauma of being rejected is experienced with a same-sex parent. That is, the fugitive feels rejected by people of the same sex as himself. He blames them for rejecting him and feels more anger towards them than towards himself. On the other hand, when he is rejected by a person of the opposite sex, he rejects himself even more. Accordingly, in this case his anger at himself dominates. At the same time, there is a high probability that this person of the opposite sex did not reject him, but left him.