Sociologists have found that a person can be truly happily married only if he married the person he loved for the first time. Therefore, they do not advise falling in love in youth in order to find happiness in later life. Having studied the psychology of relationships between married couples who lived together long time, sociologists have come to the conclusion that first love becomes an unrealistic measure that does not give the opportunity to see positive features the character of the person who is now nearby.
Many people perceive the topic of first love especially reverently, for some it is a joy for life, but for others it is eternal pain... Subconsciously, everyone who was in love in their youth wants to go back to the past and meet their first love again. Despite the fact that each of them already has their own family, rarely anyone manages to control their feelings. That is why, even after 20 years, it seems to many that all may not be lost and there is an opportunity to bring back those happy moments of life that remind of themselves through the purity and sincerity of relationships.
First love- this is a personal test of a person, in it he gains experience and opens up. It is precisely because a person who is in love for the first time feels more and more strongly that memories of his first love excite him all his life. But why then do these feelings rarely stand the test and do not lead to a long, happy life together? This is the fallacy of the judgments of many lovers, who believe that if they were together with their first love, then their reverent feelings could overcome all obstacles and would last forever.
After the breakup memories first love is overgrown with a pink veil of sentimentality, a person begins to idealize it and over time it turns into a good plot for an Indian melodrama. Nostalgia for first love is especially powerful at times when problems arise in your personal life, when the person next to you has offended you in some way. Current relationships seem gray and boring, while those that used to be real and beautiful. After all, in that relationship there were no responsibilities and problems, there was no need to perform household duties and earn a living. At that time the world was full of joy and romance.
Sociological research showed that men are nostalgic about their first love only if there is a lack of attention from their wife, but women can remain faithful to their teenage feelings for many years, despite the fact that they are surrounded by the care and love of their husband. Because of strong feelings In love, women do not notice their happiness and cannot adequately reciprocate the love of someone who now truly loves her and is nearby. How a person experiences his first love determines his future well-being and ability to build family relationships.
If first love is over separation and deep mental trauma, then complexes and resentments will spread to the person who loves him at the present time. First love will always remind you that real happiness can no longer exist, it is lost forever. In fact, such thoughts are false, as evidenced by many examples of those who, for the sake of first love, leave their family with the dream of returning to those happy moments of life. As the philosopher Heraclitus correctly noted: “You cannot enter the same river twice.”
Going to meet my first one love, a person idealizes her in advance and dreams of meeting a young girl or boy. In reality, he sees in front of him a completely different person, who has different habits, views and tastes. A real partner is often different from what he was like in his youth, because he didn’t have any problems, he didn’t have to earn a living and think about responsibilities. As a result, you can very soon discover that the hero from the fairy tale called “First Love” is the same earthly person who makes mistakes, can be harsh and rude. He is the same as the others, and maybe even worse. Often, having met his first love, a person understands how dear the one who has been with him all his life is. It’s not for nothing that people have a proverb: “An unattainable thing always seems better than the one that lies at hand.”
Of course, all of the above does not mean that it is not necessary be in love and you need to live with those you don’t love. You just need to live in the present, learn to love and care for those who are with you today. Living in the past, consisting of teenage fantasies, a person does not notice how happy he is now. When moving to adult life Every person experiences the difficulties of life, we must learn to overcome them and find compromises.
First love shouldn't cause that you will not know your next love. Yes, then you loved and were loved just like that, without any obligations and mutual reproaches. It was the command of inexperienced hearts, and this is the charm of first love. She, pure and gentle, cannot be compared with the one who may be after meeting many years later with ex-lover. Don't look for meetings with your first love, let the past remain in the past! Better think about how you can improve your relationship with the person who is next to you now. This is the true path to happiness, and not one that is built on illusions about returning to first love.
I dedicate this publication to some aspects of restoring relationships when former partners meet many years after a breakup.
As usual, I want to anticipate questions and comments: “But it wasn’t like that for me...”, “What if...”, etc. I do not set myself the task of describing YOUR story, and I am not trying to guess what it really was like. This article is only a generalization, on the basis of which you may draw the right conclusions and correctly assess your own, unique situation.
How does it happen...
Such meetings (many years later) can happen for various reasons: one of you both decided to get in touch (called or wrote); you met by chance (on the street, at an event, at work, etc.)
It seems that everything has already been forgotten and you did not count on such contact. Do you have a permanent partner or your own family, children, or are you still alone and have given up on yourself a long time ago, but now you see him, and it’s as if lightning has struck you. You can’t even determine what’s really happening, but something irresistibly pulls you towards this long-standing love. Old grievances and misunderstandings have been forgotten, you are already a woman wise with life experience, and everything that previously seemed important, the principles that you so fiercely defended in your youth, now seem petty against the backdrop of the great all-consuming feeling that you once sacrificed for the sake of these principles. Your ex-partner also shows genuine interest in you, you communicate well and kindly with him, mentally plunging deeper and deeper into the pleasant memories of a distant, and only now appreciated by you, such a contradictory but wonderful past...
Of course, a meeting after a “many-year pause” will not always look exactly as I described. Much depends on what the relationship was like, how long and harmonious it was, what it brought more - joy or pain, how severe and painful the breakup was. We will not delve into such subtleties and will start from the moment when contact between former partners is established and communication is pleasant for both parties.
The first dialogues are usually carried out cautiously. You are afraid to dedicate your guy to the details of your personal life and, in turn, are afraid to ask such questions to your counterpart. He behaves exactly the same. This fear is dictated by a reluctance to break the fragile connection that has been established; you just feel good together and that’s enough for now. That is why you try to be as correct as possible with each other. Topics of your conversations, limited at first general questions like “how are you?”, to which you both respond without detail, relatively quickly move on to general memories that are pleasant for both of you.
And now, you already get the impression that this guy is “your man” and only him - the only one you have been waiting for all your life, and this new meeting, - nothing more than a “gift of fate” and “means something.”
Usually you, as a woman who is much more curious than men, begin to find out through cunning techniques how your ex feels towards you. You “almost love him already,” and he you? References are made to poems, songs and paintings with very unambiguous content. Are you trying to figure out what wavelength your ex-boyfriend, and whether he feels towards you, at least approximately, the same thing that you feel. You want to convey to him your mood and feelings, but in such a way that, on the one hand, you don’t scare him off, and on the other hand, leaving yourself a path to retreat if he doesn’t accept your “messages.”
But a “miracle” happens - he accepts the communication format you propose and also begins to respond with links to songs and poems. It is almost guaranteed that somewhere at this stage (or earlier) you will return in conversations to the moment of the breakup, calmly find out everything and express a completely different point of view on the reasons that separated you. Most likely, this conversation will end with “drawing a line” under past disagreements, conflicts and will end with reconciliation, since you are already different and he is also different and, as it turned out, many years later, to your mutual pleasure, much more unites you than divides you.
It is possible that you will begin to experience something resembling falling in love, and if your ex experiences something similar, then this feeling will create the illusion of a “repetition of the past” and will cause an irresistible desire to use the “chance given by fate” to reunite again.
Return to reality
And so, your attitude towards each other is determined, you both recognized the breakup as a terrible mistake and are now basking in tenderness for each other, wanting to unite your hearts as soon as possible and continue the love that once ended so suddenly. You are ready to give up everything - your current partners, family and go to great lengths just to be together.
In fact, this is the most dangerous moment in restoring relationships of this type, and mistakes will be very costly, the price of which will be the ruined destinies of your loved ones. And even if you are both single, or both are unhappy in your current relationships, there is no need to rush. While both of you are in a state of illusion, living in a world of memories and delight, you tend to overly idealize your partner, not imagining who and what you are dealing with in reality.
For now, both of you are not in the present for each other. You are each other’s past, and the past is always perceived in rosy tones. Until you move from the past to the present, and the present begins to prevail over the past in your communication, there is nothing to even think about changing your life. You still have a lot to do.
When you were young, the life of one of you was known to the other. You were happy to share stories about yourself, your friends and relatives, your tastes, habits and preferences. Disputes and disagreements arose between you, which you learned to resolve. In this way, you recognized your partner and became “transparent” to him.
Now, many years later, it is not only impossible to rely on old information, but it is also dangerous to do so. Much has changed both in your tastes and in life principles. You have gone through several stages of life separately from each other, your personalities have transformed in different ways and until your partner appears before you as he is - without embellishment, and you appear before him in the same form, the risk new error will be very high.
You should once again “live” that part of your life when you were apart and knew nothing about your ex, but only “live” it with him, and he needs to do the same. Both of you must move your relationship from the past to the present, when you can communicate without memories, begin to live not the past, but the current life of each other and become “transparent” again. Only from this moment can you begin counting down the BEGINNING of building a new relationship and not a second earlier.
Well, then everything is as usual when building and developing relationships, with the only difference that you will have to act, perhaps, in more difficult conditions than in your youth. But you can’t rush until you are sure that you are on the right path and have passed all the “tests” for compatibility, because the cost of a mistake will be disproportionately higher, especially if, for the sake of your happiness, you have to make other people unhappy.
It is quite possible that after some time, when the euphoria passes, the truth will be revealed to you, and you will understand “no, this is not my man,” and the “hand of fate” was intended precisely so that you understand this and do not regret the past breakup . And you will be very lucky if this insight occurs before you have time to make a hasty decision.
FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of an individual and not the advice of a specialist. I’m trying to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also do not have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.
In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, and do not expect that I will advise in the comments or accompany your situation.
Of course, you can ignore my request (which many people do), but in this case, be prepared for the fact that I may not answer you. This is not a matter of principle, but solely of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.
If you want to receive qualified help, please seek advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.
With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica
She looked into his eyes and recognized him. Although a lot of time has passed, their lives have changed a lot, but he still has the same look as 20 years ago. He smiled because he missed her very much. Without saying a word to each other, we remembered our acquaintance... this unforgettable feeling of euphoria. Those walks along the embankment were like a breath of fresh air for each of them. It was their first love. Her eyes, voice, hair... That summer was etched in their memory forever.
Although she left her address, she never received a letter. I wrote for a whole year. But the letters did not reach her, because their mother took them from mailbox, and did not pass it on to her daughter. And all these 20 years he waited to no avail.
Having gone to study abroad and stayed there to live, I mentally dreamed of forgetting about everything. But every day she realized more and more that she loved him, and felt guilty before her husband, who carried her in his arms. But he couldn’t be with anyone after her.
And, having arrived from abroad, the next day I met him... Would you say - fate? Maybe yes. After all, she might not go into this coffee shop, or he might get stuck in traffic.
In the cafe they talked for a long time, remembering everything down to the details. He didn’t want to let go, because having lost this woman 20 years ago, he found her again. At about eleven o'clock he took her to the hotel, and the next day, in the morning, he made a surprise: the door opened, and she first saw a huge basket of flowers, and then he came in too... Alexander... The sweet aroma of either flowers, or his spirits, or everything together, hovered in the room. She was as happy as a child who had been bought a Kinder Surprise. Everything about her couldn't believe it was real! That life is gradually improving... That now you can rejoice. Rejoice? What is joy? She had already forgotten... But her beloved reminded her of it again.
Then they lay, watched comedies, like 20 years ago, walked around the city, holding hands.
So two weeks of happiness flew by. And now it's time to go back to England. He helped her pack her bags, time flew by quickly, and now they were sitting at the airport and saying goodbye. He understood that having found her, he would lose her again. But I couldn’t do anything, because the circumstances are stronger than us, like 20 years ago.
Having said goodbye, she left, and he looked after this woman. When he was about to leave, he saw the diary that she had been keeping for many years. He took it and did not dare open it, because it was personal item beloved. But then a tragedy occurred that no one could have predicted; in the news feed he saw that the plane she was flying on had crashed and all the passengers had died. He couldn’t believe it... After all, he had lost his love again... now forever.
Having flown out into the street, the man did not understand anything... he just ran... a couple of hours later, returning home, a diary caught his eye, Sasha opened it and began to read. He was very shocked that they had a child together. Alexander could not come to his senses. An hour later there was a knock on the door, he opened it, and SHE was standing there... God saved their love...
- September 9, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Epifantseva Anna
What to do if you meet your first love many years later? There is a story in everyone's life that is remembered more vividly than the rest. Memories of that person overshadow all subsequent ones, no matter how vivid the emotions experienced afterwards. As if he gave something that others could not give. You are drawn to him at the slightest memory of those events, and if you meet your first love years later, you are seized by a real storm of emotions mixed with curiosity. What to do here?
First steps
Many perceive this topic quite acutely. At the subconscious level, there is an urge to plunge into past history, meet first love and fall in love again. What to do? It is quite possible that both parties already have families with children. Psychologists will answer what to do in this case. And, of course, it all depends on the specific situation.
Ideal image
First of all, you should be aware of one thing. You once communicated with this person, and then broke up. And there was some reason why this happened. Why did it happen so? Probably, circumstances got in the way - moving, different plans for the future. Maybe for some reason you yourself interrupted communication. Or perhaps the object of desire did not want to continue. But there is only one conclusion from this situation: if a person burns with love, he always takes a thousand steps towards being together and turns the world upside down. And this thought should sober up from the surging fantasies. The peculiarity of the psychology of a lover is such that there are and cannot be any barriers for the one who loves: people destroy entire families and change cities in order to achieve reunification with their soulmate. Therefore, you need to understand that since you didn’t do everything possible, maybe you didn’t want it that much? There was a reason that held me back from reuniting with this person; my intuition probably did not deceive me. If you resume communication now, these traits will appear again. If that side did not want communication, then does it make sense to focus on one thing in order to suffer forever? A person who once left will again discover the reason why he left. In this state it will be easier to make a decision.
Causes
Psychologists say that the importance of the first strong love high. She tends to acquire over time a veil full of thoughts: “With him I would be happy. If only everything could be returned and corrected!” It may seem that you will never meet anyone like him again. This happens due to idealization; usually there is nothing real behind this idea. This is the most common phenomenon that every person encounters. Your case is not unique. Essentially, these are the thoughts of a child. If you don’t continue to think like that, then you will become very happy with others. After all, you are the master of your thoughts, and not they you? If this is a problem, watch your thoughts: what were you thinking about a minute ago? Now take any new thought that was not in your head, and think only about it. You will notice that it will begin to appear among your thoughts. This proves that you yourself can control what runs through your thoughts, if, of course, you want it.
First love can happen at 12, 18, 22, and sometimes even at 40 years old. During it, a person acquires a unique experience, he discovers hitherto unknown emotions. Everything is seen in a completely different light. This experience influences all further communication with the opposite sex. If the separation was peaceful, there were no mutual grievances, then this positive aftertaste will transfer to the next relationship. When there is a lot of pain and dissatisfaction left, a person experiences suffering, he begins to try to find compensation in other people.
From a psychological point of view, the first serious feelings are a real personal test. The personality will be “built” in accordance with the characteristics of the experience of a given situation. Like any strong surge that unbalances a person, love destroys the previous personality, and what kind of personality will be built later depends only on the lover himself. The irresponsibility or absurdity of a breakup sometimes turns into trauma and great resentment towards people. Such a trail sometimes follows a person, always serving as a reminder that he missed something important. And thoughts come that hope for happiness is lost forever. But this is the most clean water illusion. And there is not a single person who has not broken wood in the past.
Little love
There is no situation that does not depend on you. If a person has built his life successfully, then the first feelings will be a pleasant memory and nothing more. New emotions received in your current personal life will come to the fore. And for some, meeting their first love many years later will be a reason to reconsider their life, to ask themselves the question: “Am I really happy now?” If you are strongly drawn to what is gone, perhaps something in your current lifestyle needs to be changed. As a rule, in such cases, the temptation to meet your first love after many years becomes very great. If both people are free and willingly surrender to the power of feelings, this is ideal. Be sure to plunge headlong into this pool! But the situation will be different when the choice arises - to destroy your family or not.
Married, but met my first love
Choices vary greatly depending on gender and experience. Psychologists say that when a man has met his first love and surrendered to her power, he will strive to return to his family, while keeping his emotions on the side. Often public morality is stricter towards women, and they, committing the same actions, can be tormented by this. Based on psychological practice, this is characteristic of them even more so the younger they are.
A representative of the fair sex who restrained herself, who endured a lot for the sake of her family, often discovers with age that no one needed it, that men are much more selfish in this matter, and a guy, having met his first love, will be less tormented by betrayal. Usually, upon reaching the age of 40, a woman begins to live for herself and, having met her first love again, rushes into the arms of emotions and does not avoid cheating. This is a very common case in the practice of psychologists. Having looked at these cases, isn’t it better to draw conclusions for yourself and not wait a few more years to live the way you want?
Having a good family, quality relationships and strong love for her husband, a woman will not be drawn to another. If this occurs, is your husband probably not the best man in your life? The instinctive program of any woman is such that she is always looking for the best, she will not be happy until the strongest is next to her. If she realized that there is a weakling next to her, she often begins to persuade herself, tries to come to an agreement with herself in order to leave everything as it is. She even inspires herself to love him. This is because women have been taught for years to adapt to the situation and endure. But this does not bring them happiness.
When that very strong man meets her way, she falls into his arms. This is her nature. And there are a lot of such cases in the practice of any psychologist. Don't you need to admit the truth to yourself and meet your desires, getting rid of the weaklings? Even if the truth entails a revolution in your whole life? Everyone makes their own choice.
The man is married and met her
As for men, after many years of meeting their first love and giving in to their feelings, most often in the depths of their souls they remember that they have a family. Receiving an even life with loved ones on two scales and a mistress on the other, they continue to balance, but are in no hurry to leave their wife. There is comfort in the family, and the presence of new feelings on the side only awakens in them the personality of a lover, which adds spice to relationships with women. If your husband has met his first love, you should not expect that he will want to exchange his family for her just like that. Strong family It is generally impossible to destroy it from the outside. If it falls apart due to seemingly external forces, this is not so: it means that everything was no longer so good in it, and a crack has long appeared in the relationship between the spouses.
Therefore, the situation is somewhat different when he already experiences discomfort in the family and is thinking about leaving. If such a husband has met his first love, she may be the impetus after which he takes this step.
Sometimes it can be difficult to meet that woman from your younger years for fear of entering into competition with her current lover, who may be better than you. But everything is in your hands. And for sure, if you feel strongly in love, you will not ask such a question. You will simply go to destroy obstacles.
Emotions
At the same time, sometimes emotions simply interfere with life. Sometimes you can understand with your mind that a person is not suitable, but still have feelings for him. There is only one way out: take a deep breath and announce that you are leaving. Enjoy yourself in this moment of taking a strong and decisive step. A week of black emptiness, subject to cutting off all contacts with a person, will result in a feeling of deep self-esteem, which will then manifest itself in new successes on the personal front. And most importantly, there will be internal freedom to leave the relationship at any time, whatever it may be. The realization that he has the power to leave anyone, at any time, makes a person self-sufficient and damn attractive. Isn't this a wonderful price for that pain?
Well, where we do not
A person's need for love is very deep. When he is filled with someone else's love, he cannot help but love himself. And this is the whole source of his strength, energy, this is his support in life. When she's gone, he languishes. This is a great danger, a direct indication that it is time to change something in life. Often in this state, after many years of meeting first love, a person gets stuck in memories of the past for many years. Forgetting that the past has already died and no longer exists. Why does someone remember the same love story for years and replay it in their head? There is only one reason: insufficient brightness of current life, unsettledness on the personal front. Even while remaining married, a person can be unhappy and dream about missed opportunities and past delights. Of course, it will seem to him that that pie in the sky was the best thing that happened to him. If it turns out that this is so, then this means that this is the best moment to turn everything around.
Feelings won't be the same
Sometimes a meeting with an ideal image of the past confirms one fact: you can’t catch the wind. It happens that, having met your first love after 20 years, you realize that feelings will not be the same.
And it’s really like this: whoever tries to bring back the past catches the wind. It won't be the same as before. In the practice of psychologists, there are cases when a person is simply disappointed in his former love. Looking at this ideal image, which has already changed over the years, a person experiences sadness. Out of old memory, I still feel drawn to him, but that mad passion leaves no trace.
Meeting your first love many years later, you go to that young person, but a completely different picture appears before your eyes.
When you compare your husband nearby with that exalted image of a guy from the past, you will always find at least one reason for your real partner to lose in a competition with ideal hero. After all, the second one was not pettyly annoyed because of the charred potatoes, and did not propose to cast lots for who would go for a walk with the dog. This is an imperfect person with his own shortcomings. But at that wonderful time, man loved and was loved at the behest of inexperienced hearts. Therefore, the first feelings are charming, tender and especially pure. And this is also the past. Having met your first love after 20 years, you see “déjà vu”, which is of a different taste. Maybe it's better to keep warm memories of good moments in your head? Let them remain that beautiful and untouched fairy tale that they once had the opportunity to create. Wouldn't this be more effective than, having met your first love, bitterly noticing that she is not as fresh as you would like?
Why are we looking for her?
The desire to relive what happened in the past can overtake anyone. One day the question may arise in your head: “Where can you meet your first love?” Is this useful?
The thing is that first feelings are part of life story personality. With the return to youth, a person is looking for a source of unspent energy.
Such a return confirms consistency: sometimes you need to understand that the choice was made correctly, and the relationship was completed for the better. When a question that has been tormenting for a long time is closed, a person is inspired to build new relationships in the present.
The search for first love is always nostalgia for a bygone romantic era. Many, plunging into the pool of past feelings, revive in themselves that bright personality who knew that the whole world was within her reach, and who had an incredible future ahead of her.
Only with the development of the first relationship does the idealized image of a lover give way to a real person. Usually the question “Where can you meet your first love?” are asked by those who have not had time to sufficiently know each other.
Psychologists believe that in any case, the search for this personality from the past is aimed at oneself. On a subconscious level, a person wants to return to a time when, as it seems to him, he was stronger and purer. This indicates that now his “I” is not realized.
Express
Sometimes those who want to meet their first love are those who feel that their “gestalt was not closed.” That is, questions remained unanswered, there was no sense of completion from those episodes.
This is often felt most acutely when a relationship has ended due to exposure. external force, with whom the couple did not begin to fight. This could be due to parental pressure in youth, relocation, or public opinion.
On a deep subconscious level, a person identifies this story with the relationship of Romeo and Juliet, forbidden feelings. They are actively cultivated everywhere.
Call
Sometimes the search for first love serves as a cry for help to the person who was once close. The person may still experience pain from that breakup, and if the current life situation everything is bad for him, he can strive for that source of pleasure, purity, thus striving to perk up his spirit again.
Second chance
Sometimes, having come a long way in his life, having changed a lot during personal crises, a person wants to find some support in the past. If he wants to meet his first love, the advice of psychologists will be clear: he needs to understand why he is drawn to safe territory, where everything has already been studied instead of new unexplored distances.
Finding those feelings again regenerates a person; it may seem that a recipe for eternal youth has been found. Even those who have everything in their life already arranged can go in search of them. It would seem that everything is there: why look for first love? For the fountain of youth!
Female aspiration
Often, female representatives strive to meet that guy from the past, experiencing a craving to get away from the daily routine, where, within the framework of the traditional roles of wife and mother, they become too bored and cramped.
They go into dreams of those relationships where there were no burdensome obligations, and everything was light and airy, like porous chocolate.
Any person likes to feel that there is that support in life to which he can always return. But if he is always mentally in the past, living in memories, then this is direct evidence that he is afraid of the present and the future. He is trying to escape reality into his illusions.
Update
Even after meeting your first love in a photo while searching in in social networks, you may be disappointed. It can feel like a walk around the block from your youth. It becomes clear how much the image deposited in the head differs from the real situation. Even if he remains in the heart, then a person will leave less room for him.
Sometimes a meeting with the object of your first feelings can result in a startling discovery: your current partner is your true soulmate.
Psychologists advise: if you have a desire to meet that person from the past with whom a lot of good things are associated, you should bring it to life. This experience is always useful and it in itself cannot destroy anything. It will become an indicator of what is happening in the present. It will show the sincerity of feelings in the current relationship, highlight those moments that need correction, or confirm that everything is fine in the present.
The loss of illusions is extremely useful for further development. She will open the door to new world in which a person will find himself.
Love
Sometimes you can understand that it is that person who is the truest love. This also happens. In this case, you will need to take a number of actions to make sure that this other half also wants to continue. After all, she may have no idea that your feelings have flared up, she may not want to return everything and start over, she may not want to live in the past.
One of the most striking situations is when a girl marries someone she doesn’t love. Just because he will good husband and father.
And then, against this background, the very man with whom she feels a strong connection appears. She met her first love many years later. He probably only became better, more successful and more attractive over the years. It doesn't matter where he appeared or why. The memories immediately flashed through all the best moments together, reflections of those vivid emotions that we managed to experience together. At the same time, good moments appear more clearly, and all the bad is thrown aside: this is the property of the human psyche.
And it can’t help but creep into your head, sometimes constantly haunting you. There are more and more thoughts about him. And now - it can no longer be shaken out of the everyday flow of thought! The question arises: what to do if you have met such a past love?
Being in a relationship with someone else and experiencing such a vivid palette of emotions from a living personification of your past, it is worth understanding yourself by remembering the reasons for breaking up with such a wonderful person. There was probably a reason, and not such an insignificant one, since the relationship was terminated. This is where you need to pay the closest attention. Scroll through your head all the difficulties that arose during communication. After all, the deep essence of people never changes anyway. Only a few change radically over the course of life, and this is hardly a unique case. If this affair continues now, then again all the sharp corners will come to the surface, and this will be a repetition of the same steps. Why repeat yourself when you can build a new beautiful love story with someone else, someone who matches your values?
But if your gut clearly speaks in favor of resuming relations, the last line of defense will remain. You need to find out from yourself whether this is really love or just a storm of passions that was caused by one memory of what was and is gone? Perhaps it's just nostalgia. But even if so, there is nothing reprehensible in this. Feel free to plunge into the feeling where your soul calls you. It is always a pleasant and positive experience. You shouldn’t take this too seriously, because it is likely that when you get closer to the person, you will realize that you no longer want to continue. But this experience is necessary, it will bring pleasant emotions. Without taking a step towards the surging feelings, you can be left with a long lifelong regret about what was not done. According to psychological research spent in hospices, this is what dying people most often regret: that they never took the risk.
Conclusion
If people loved more desperately, maybe there would be fewer unhappy eyes on the streets? You should always remember that if you want, a person can turn any situation around. When meeting his first love after many years, everything will depend only on himself. There are a lot of options, and everything that has ever been done by people is possible.
- Find support in the past. First love is part of our personal history. Returning to our youth, we look for a source of unspent strength within ourselves.
- Confirm your worth. It is important for us to make sure that our life choice and end relationships that were not continued. By parting with the ideal images of the past, we can build new relationships in real circumstances.
In response to the question “Would you like to meet your first love again?” we are unlikely to clarify about whom we're talking about. For each of us, there is a specific person behind this phrase.
What motivates us when we try to find his traces? What do we miss in the present if we readily plunge into the past? What do we expect from meeting a person with whom we broke up 10, 20, 30 years ago?
Return to yourself
39-year-old Tatyana found a forum where her classmates communicated, and among them was her first lover.
“We separated in the middle of 9th grade: my family moved to another city. For a long time I could not decide to write on the forum, and then I was very worried, waiting: would Victor answer or not? He answered, and now we text ten times a day, we can’t stop talking. It seems that we have again become as naive and sincere as we were 25 years ago.”
The search for first love is nostalgia for the era of innocence, romanticism, brightness of emotions
For many, first love symbolizes a moment in life when we felt full of energy and the future seemed so promising. The search for first love is nostalgia for the era of innocence, romanticism, and brightness of emotions.
“For the first time, blinded by love, we are spontaneous, we are attracted by internal impulses and desires,” says Gestalt therapist Olga Dolgopolova. - We create an ideal image, essentially projecting onto specific person your desires and needs. We expect from him what we lack in life: understanding, tenderness, support, sexuality...”
If the relationship between young people develops, then the ideal romantic image gradually gives way to to a real person. First love years later is often sought by those who were unable or did not have time to get to know each other well enough.
“But even in this case, our feelings are directed not towards another, but towards ourselves,” says consulting psychologist Boris Masterov. - We unconsciously strive to find ourselves in the past - in a time when, as it seems to us, we were better, cleaner and full of joyful hopes. And often behind this there is a desire to return to one’s unrealized “I.”
Express the unsaid
Those who go in search of their first love often say that they are also attracted by the feeling of understatement, incompleteness of the relationship.
This is especially acute if the relationship ended due to external circumstances that the lovers did not have the strength to fight at that time. Parental pressure, moving, public opinion...
“Unconsciously, identification arises with fairy-tale-mythological couples, literary heroes: Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, those whose love was forbidden, impossible due to external circumstances,” says psychotherapist Alexander Badkhen. - Early romantic relationship are also idealized in culture: poetry, music, literature, cinema.”
Finding first love is a cry for help to someone who was once dear to us
The feeling of incompleteness gives rise to internal protest and the desire to find your first love, to “close the topic.”
This is confirmed by 28-year-old Anna: “We broke up because his parents sharply objected to our meetings. For a long time I could not believe that he chose them and not me... Now I would like to see the man who was my first love, so that he would see me and understand how wrong he was. Well, at the same time, make sure that I don’t care about him.”
Get a second chance
When we experience success, when the quality of our life changes, or we go through a personal crisis, we need to feel something constant, something constant. To maintain our identity, we look for support in the past.
“We return to “familiar territory” because the old relationship is always safer than meeting a new person. The search for first love is a call for help to someone who was once dear to us,” explains Alexander Badkhen.
“The easiest way is to go where it was once good. And first love, if it was not associated with humiliation, is a very positive feeling,” agrees Boris Masterov.
Newfound love gives many a feeling of rebirth, as if they have found the recipe for eternal youth
Those of us who have made it in life most often go in search of first love. different areas life: those who have a family, children, promising jobs... What are we missing?
Getting your first love back is like throwing off decades of years and feeling young and full of energy again.
Svetlana gave birth to a son at the age of 20. Sergei was her first lover, but he refused to marry and disappeared from her life.
“When my son was supposed to return from the army, I gathered my courage and called Sergei. We met, and a week later we realized that we couldn’t live without each other. Now we are together. It’s like I’m back to my 20s, I’ve lost weight, I play sports... I’m absolutely happy. I haven’t told my son yet, but I believe that he will understand me. I wish every woman at 40 years old the same beautiful and strong love as in her youth, you just need to get over the resentment and learn to be happy in the present.”
Newfound love gives many a feeling of rebirth, as if they have found the recipe for eternal youth.
Women's interest
Why do women more often go in search of their first love? Dreams allow them to distance themselves from everyday everyday worries, where day after day they need to play the roles of a good wife and caring mother. They often dream of their first adult relationship, which was not yet burdened with adult responsibilities.
“It is important for a woman to feel that there is something permanent in her life, something that does not change with age, that can be experienced and felt again,” says Olga Dolgopolova. “But if a woman constantly thinks about the past and strives to live in memories, this suggests that she is afraid to look forward and avoids reality.”
Anton Lazarev
Find the starting point
For each of us, the first love experience is one of major events life. This is the end of childhood, the first departure from family circle, a step into adulthood.
“First love, first meeting - this event changes every person,” says Boris Masterov. - We feel that we are no longer the same as we were before. To some extent, this is a choice and trying your own path. Indeed, to one degree or another, all subsequent love relationship develop in accordance with first love."
Alexander, 38, married a woman who once had an affair with a foreign student. The couple broke up: he left for his homeland, and she did not dare to radically change her life.
“Milena tells me about this story as if it were something she had experienced, but I see that in fact the plot is not finished. I don’t want my wife to forget her first love - it seems to me that this feeling gives new light and warmth to our relationship. I’m even sure: if it weren’t for this novel, she wouldn’t have chosen me.”
“The way we treat each other, how we touch, how we make love, what we say - all this is somehow connected with the experience of first love,” explains Boris Masterov. “We either take this model of relationships and partially reproduce it in subsequent love experiences, or we build on it, building something completely opposite to the unsuccessful experience.”
The road to renewal
Sometimes meeting your first lover can be disappointing.
“It is similar to the feeling we experience when returning to the city or neighborhood where we spent our youth. Once there, you suddenly notice how different reality is from the image that is preserved in our memory, says Alexander Badkhen. “It may still remain one and only, but it takes up less space in the soul than before.”
Even if we again encounter something that once pushed us away, this experience will still be useful
This is confirmed by 39-year-old Evgenia: “It was enough for me to hear his “Hello!” on the phone. - and the world blossomed with new colors. I knew his voice so well. Then we met again... and the charm was lost."
43-year-old Ilya says: “I admit, when Masha and I met after 20 years of separation, my heart almost broke into pieces: we still love the same books, films, admire the same people... But, when I realized that we could start all over again, I realized that despite all my “coincidence” with Masha, I truly love the woman who gave birth to my children.”
If you want to meet a person with whom all the best and brightest things in the past are connected, you need to meet. Even if we again encounter something that once pushed us away, this experience will still be useful.
“This is how we see the whole person and part with his ideal image,” says Olga Dolgopolova. - But at the same time we have the opportunity to start building new relationships, not necessarily love ones. We can enjoy communicating with each other in real circumstances.”
The experience of searching and returning is always valuable, even if it is associated with the loss of illusions
There are memories that stay with us for a lifetime. The way we build our families is largely determined by early relationships - with parents and loved ones.
“They contain a psychological starting point,” adds Alexander Badkhen. - Our first love is the continuation of these relationships, their reconstruction, the first independent attempt to recreate them. This is its special psychological value. This experience remains in a hidden place in our soul, accessible to us throughout our lives, and we never lose sight of it.”
The experience of search and return is always valuable, even if it is associated with the loss of illusions. We need it in order to better understand ourselves and move on with our lives.
Men prefer new things
Men are less likely to search for their first love, but you should not blame them for being less sensitive than women.
“Men are more focused on meeting immediate needs,” explains Olga Dolgopolova. - They want to experience emotions, show interest, realize sexuality immediately, without putting it off for a long time. If a man dreams of something, it’s probably not about a relationship, but about social success, a career takeoff; his fantasies are in the outside world.
Representatives of the stronger half of humanity love the experiences and feelings that a woman evokes in them. In addition, returning to a youthful hobby can significantly complicate their life: a man may feel at a disadvantage in relation to his lover's current partner. And he doesn’t need such competition. So men would rather look for new relationships than look back.”