It’s rare that someone manages to build a meaningful relationship on the first try. There is nothing to be surprised here, because without experience there is no success. Some people think that meeting your person right away is a great success, but there are also those who find that it is too uninteresting. Here are eight reasons to cheer up if your first novel isn't your only one.

First doesn't mean best

The importance of something first is overestimated. In Andre Maurois' story "Seasonal Flowers", the main character - university professor and literary critic Etienne Carlu - brings flowers to the grave of his deceased wife every Thursday. He vowed to remain faithful to her and does not believe that he will be interested in another woman.

But one day, at the same cemetery, Etienne meets a charming young widow, and a friendship begins between them. A new acquaintance reads the books that Etienne recommends to her, and he, in turn, is pleasantly surprised by the maturity and depth of her judgment. So the hero Maurois unexpectedly experiences feelings again and involuntarily notices that this girl suits him more than his departed wife.

A new romance is another candy-bouquet period

My friend, having broken up with a guy she had been dating since school, admitted that, remembering the beginning of their romance, she thought: “Will I never have this again?” And there really was something to be sad about. The beginning is a pleasure for both. A man and a woman like each other, but do not declare it openly. They flirt and meet from time to time. They don’t quarrel because there are no hard feelings or understatements between them yet. Their first touches to each other are the most pleasant, because they have not yet become habitual.

This exciting period lasts before the first sex and for some time after. Then people become closer, and their relationships become simpler. So take each of your novels as a bonus and an opportunity to enjoy life once again.

Experience will make you wiser

Women who have sufficient experience communicating with men are not surprised when their partner stops calling and looking for meetings. Those who have already encountered this do not panic, believing that the person is not calling because he is busy, lost his phone, was hospitalized, or died. It is obvious to them that nothing has happened to him, except for one thing: the desire to communicate has disappeared.

Your curiosity in the question “What about others?” will be satisfied

It is unlikely that monogamous people never think about what it would be like to date another person. Having only one partner in your entire life, you will not learn some interesting and sometimes even unexpected things about the opposite sex. Men, for example, should know that not all women love melodrama, children and compliments, and women should know that there are men who are passive, prone to romance and dream of a large family.

You realize that it's all about attitude

Where people are involved there will never be objectivity. Every situation can be turned the way your imagination wants. If desired, a tactful attitude can easily be mistaken for sympathy, and an indifferent attitude for a desire to hide emotions. Thinking about how this or that person treats you means wasting time.

If your partner shows disrespect for your wishes, does not keep his word, or treats your profession with contempt, the situation will not change. The question is whether you are ready to accept it and for how long. In your first relationship, you are foolish to look for excuses and hope for changes for the better. With experience, you come to the conclusion that it is pointless to expect changes in someone’s character.

Breakups will toughen you up

You experience the first one more difficult than the subsequent ones. Suffice it to recall Ivan Bunin’s story “Mitya’s Love.” Mitya, having left his girlfriend Katya for the village, falls into a love addiction. His mood is influenced by her letters, and if there are none, he goes crazy. If Mitya had found the strength to survive this period of melancholy and despair, he would have accepted further failures in his personal life more easily.

Mental anguish strengthens character, and over time a person learns to switch attention to work, sports, and friends. And then the emotional state becomes more stable.

You'll learn to let go

A friend of mine, having broken up with her first boyfriend, declared that he was a scoundrel and a fool because he didn’t want to be with her. I asked her:

Nastya, do you want to date that older man?

Of course not! - she was indignant.

So, it turns out that you are a fool?

She was not ready to admit that she was one. The fact that two people broke up only means that they are no longer suitable for each other.

You will gain emotional independence

Many people are interested in new passions of former partners. About five years ago, I could spend hours looking at photos of Lenochek, Anechek and Olenek on social networks (for some reason they all had affectionate nicknames), comparing them with myself and looking for flaws in them. Over time, increased interest gave way to lazy curiosity.

So if a few years ago you were crazy about someone you don’t care about now, then today’s jealousy will turn into indifference. I don’t react so painfully to ex-boyfriends’ girlfriends anymore. And some of them I even consider cute.

Perhaps you are in a relationship with someone you don't trust enough, and you often find yourself having strange thoughts about them. For example, if your partner does not answer the phone, you immediately begin to suspect that you are being deceived. In fact, this way of thinking can be harmful to you and your relationship. And you will most likely want to change this. Overcome these thoughts by calming them down, find inner harmony in your mind and body, and build a closer and more trusting relationship with your partner.

Steps

Give your mind a rest

Find a quick solution to your worries and problems. Often things and situations that bother us have several quick solutions. Instead of having your head in the clouds, examine your thoughts. You will feel better once you take action.

• For example, if your partner doesn't respond to your text, call him to make sure he's okay.
• If he still doesn't answer, set a timer on your phone for an hour and do something useful in the meantime. Take a hot bath, take a nap, or watch a few episodes of your favorite TV series. When the time is up, you can call back, but most likely during this time your partner will call or write to you!

1. Fight the urge to find a solution to all your negative thoughts. When thoughts start to get confused, just try to resist them. Instead of allowing yourself to think in terms of the worst case scenario, try to consider the most realistic explanation.

   • For example, if you have not heard from your partner for several hours, you may feel that he is deceiving you. But if you know that he is very busy at work today, you can assume that he just went home and immediately lay down to rest.

2. Find something funny that can make you laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine. Sometimes we overload ourselves with negative thoughts simply because we are in a bad mood. Therefore, try to cheer yourself up, find something fun, for example, funny videos online.

   Take a break. Instead of beating yourself up, do something fun and interesting or productive. Turn on some music and have a little party, call your mom and check on her. You can take a hot shower or sunbathe for a while.

   • Sometimes a distraction is just necessary, but you don't have to do it all the time. You absolutely need to understand what problem is bothering you and causing you such negative feelings. If you don't acknowledge these issues, you and your partner will soon start to irritate each other, and your level of trust in each other will suffer as a result.

3. Call a friend who can talk to you for as long as you need. Talking to a friend will help you think more rationally. If you're on edge, call a friend and find out how realistic your feelings are. If there is no good reason for them, just let them go and find something else to do. But you should only call trusted, wise friends; you should not pour out your soul to just friends.

4. If you feel like your anxiety has taken over you too much, seek help from a psychologist. If you feel that anxiety not only does not leave you, but is also increasing, you need to start fighting it. It's normal to have disappointments in a relationship, but if you find them too difficult to deal with, if they interfere with your happy life and reduce your productivity, it's better to seek professional help. Many psychologists will be able to help you cope with this problem and build a healthy, happy relationship.

   • If you study at a college or institute, they may have a qualified psychologist (for free). The help of a psychologist is not included in the list of compulsory health insurance services, so it is better to find a psychologist in your city by entering a request on the Internet.

5. Take your partner's word for it. Instead of trying to poke your nose into every crevice of his personal life, trust him. Trust your partner until you have a reason not to. A lack of trust will literally eat you up and ruin your relationships. When ambiguous situations arise, ask your partner to tell you the truth and believe his words.

   • However, if you have irrefutable evidence that your partner is lying to you, it may be time to end the relationship.

Obsessing is a very bad habit - but many of us are to blame for this. (Let the one who has never done this throw the first stone at me. Why did my partner do this? What does this really mean?

Question: How to stop obsessive thoughts?

Looping can put any relationship at risk. And, even if you realize that this is bad, the flow of thoughts can be very difficult to stop. The habit of overanalyzing is not conducive to healthy relationships, so it's important to understand how to break it.

Here are 13 tips on how to stop overestimating your relationship:

1. Don't overestimate what your partner says.

"Sometimes people are bad communicators and don't always say what they really mean," explains celebrity relationship expert and TV personality Vikki Ziegler.

"Just because your partner doesn't tell you they love you several times a day doesn't mean you're not in a relationship," says Ziegler. “Stop obsessing over certain words and ask your partner about it.”

2. Focus on how you feel instead of judging your relationship.

"Think about how you feel about yourself in the context of a relationship," explains Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D., a licensed sex and relationship expert. “It can give you a better insight into yourself than trying to analyze everything.”

3. Think about your “best friend”

"If you find yourself over-evaluating your relationship, think about what advice you would give your best friend if they were in a similar situation," says O'Reilly.

4. Ask yourself: “Do I have too much free time?”

Maybe you're bored and need to keep yourself occupied with something?

Rory Sassoon, relationship expert and CEO of Platinum Poire, believes that: “Having a hobby, passion or whatever, can help you focus on yourself.”

You will become so busy that you stop thinking too much about your relationship.

5. Be clear about what you want from the relationship.

Frequent thoughts about the relationship and your partner are a sign that you don't know what you really want and aren't getting what you need.

"Once you have clarity about what you need, you can pinpoint what you're missing in your relationship," explains Laurel House, dating and relationship coach and host of the Man Whisperer podcast. “You can talk to your partner about this so they can also be clear about what you need.”

6. Stop focusing on what's wrong and instead redirect your mind to what you want.

“This way, you focus on the solution, the ideal outcome, and how you can achieve your goal, instead of focusing on the problem,” House says.

7. Always say what you think

"You'll find that the more you model direct communication, the more they will reciprocate," O'Reilly says. “You can listen to what they say and trust them, instead of analyzing and looking for hidden meaning in their words.”

8. Train positive thinking

Just stop thinking about relationships.

“Don't think about the future or the past. What needs to happen will happen,” says Sassoon.

9. Stop discussing all your relationship problems with your friends.

“It doesn't really help and can be a very bad habit. Your friends may have the best intentions, but they may not know how to help you, says House, they don't want to hurt your feelings and they can't see the real situation.

10. See a therapist

Sometimes the best solution may be to talk to a specialist.

"Chances are that your therapist will defuse the situation and make you realize that you're overthinking things," says relationship expert Lindsay Metselaar.

11. Go somewhere for the weekend

Get some fresh air, with or without your significant other.

“Your mind will become clearer and you will be able to focus on living in the moment. If you travel without your partner, you'll miss him and think about the good times rather than dwell on stupid things,” says Metselaar.

12. Focus on the positive

Be grateful for the good things your partner does for you, and try not to focus on or over-emphasize the little things he doesn't do.

"By practicing this, you will remain in a state of happiness and stop analyzing your relationships," says Ziegler.

How many relationships fail because of our feminine fixation on the beloved object! And how many relationships never begin, because this same object quietly disappears, sensing danger. And in the end, we are left with nothing, feeling lonely, unhappy, abandoned or simply unloved women. We cry into our mother’s or best friend’s vest, we complain about men who have completely disappeared in our time, and most importantly, we become obsessed with self-pity and injustice on a global scale.

And the reason for everything is not unfortunate fate and not at all the men who did not appreciate us, but ours. OBSESSION!

It is she who, with invisible energy waves, scares away all worthy men within a radius of a kilometer around, and if someone gets caught in our network, he immediately strives to escape, feeling how our fixation is squeezing his throat. And suffocates, suffocates.

It would seem that it could be simpler to just stop obsessing. Everything will be fine then. And the relationship will work out, and personal happiness. But the problem is that not a single girl, woman, who is fixated on a man, is aware of this. This pattern of behavior arises in her life either from great self-doubt, or lack of awareness of her individual value, loss of self-esteem, and dislike of herself.

Therefore, first of all, you need to talk about how to understand that you are fixated on a man. Let's look at three options: if you are single, if you are in a relationship and if you are married.

So, if you are single and:

✓ You suffer from being lonely;

✓ You feel inferior because all your friends have been married for a long time, and you can’t even meet someone “normal”;

✓ Every time you go for a walk or meet with friends, you look for Him with your eyes;

✓ You constantly think what’s wrong with you, that you’re still alone;

✓ You are afraid that you may never meet your Love;

✓ You “try on” almost everyone you know for the role of a potential husband,

This means the diagnosis obsession "touched you too.

If you are already in a relationship and:

✓ You constantly worry why he doesn’t call;

✓ ...And in the end you still call him yourself and offer to meet him;

✓ You long to hear from him a declaration of love or at least the words: “How I miss you!”;

✓ You strive to start a conversation about the seriousness of your relationship, his intentions, plans, and so on;

✓ At some moments you step over yourself in order to preserve the relationship;

✓ You prefer to turn a blind eye to his behavior, which humiliates you in order not to be alone,

So you " stuck"at this man.

If you are married and:

✓ Constantly controlling your husband;

✓ Do you think that you should spend all your free time together?

✓ You get offended by him when he just wants to be by himself or, even worse, meet with friends;

✓ You limit his freedom, you constantly forbid something;

✓ You do not have your own interests, but live only in Him;

So you got fixated on your husband!

What to do? You need to direct the energy that you focus on a man onto yourself. Engage in your development and improvement. But even this is not the main thing. The main thing is to awaken your feminine nature, self-love, and the ability to enjoy life! Realize your value, originality and uniqueness. Don't inflate your pride, no! Just become a worthy woman for a worthy man. (Read about this in the article “?”). Find your hidden talents and abilities, begin to be interested in the world around you. After all, it consists not only of men!

And when a woman changes the focus of her attention, stops fixating on a man, a miracle happens. She blooms like the most beautiful flower, fragrant with a pleasant aroma. And if she's lonely, then men flock to this smell to taste it. Those men who can appreciate this scent. The most worthy. If she is in a relationship, then her chosen one, intoxicated by such a fragrance, will do everything so that she becomes his legal wife and mother of his future children. Well, what if she's married?, then her husband will fall in love with her again! All you have to do is change the focus of your excessive attention from a man to yourself and the world around you!