Childhood cannot last forever, youth is fleeting, you will become an adult before you have time to understand how to build a rocket, for example. So catch 5 main misconceptions about adult life that every curious girl has the right to know about.

Simply in order not to waste time on unnecessary things, to love yourself, but to soberly assess your abilities and persistently pursue the fulfillment of your plans. You can believe in the existence of unicorns all your life, but some things will never change, and your laziness and rose-colored glasses must match your reality.

You will do whatever you want

As a child, you are forbidden a lot, and it seems that all this is only because you have not yet reached a certain age. In fact, your relatives, teachers and other people who are inclined to philosophize give you angry instructions based on own experience, and when you get older, you yourself will watch with bewilderment how girls, younger than you, behave strangely and sometimes provocatively. And remember that, as you grow up, you will not only study, but also work, so vacation for the whole summer will become a real luxury for you. Appreciate the holidays while they last!

Everything will change

Much, but not all. Don’t think that as soon as you turn 18, 20 or even 30 years old, your life will become completely different. You can move to live in another country or slightly change your hairstyle, get married, learn to fly an airplane, build a house, have children, you can start reading books about cooking and handicraft manuals, start a new hobby and completely change your social circle... but at the same time you you can still launch paper airplanes into the sky, build snowmen and dream about the impossible. Remaining a child at heart and sometimes doing stupid things is important, because this is a part of you, a different you, a girl from the past, in which there is a place for cartoons, lollipops, Barbies and games of “mother and daughter”.

Parents will change their attitude towards you

It is vain and useless to believe that your parents will begin to treat you like a mature and understanding madam as soon as you step on the threshold adult life. Even if you become super successful, help your loved ones in every possible way and even find yourself next to them in difficult times to support them, for them you will most likely forever remain their “little girl,” irresponsible and too frivolous. Take this as a good fact-postulate, because you don’t choose your parents, more often than not they only want the best for you, they just sometimes get too nervous and worried.

Do you think you can become an astronaut?

As a child, you could believe in unicorns, Santa Claus and others fairy-tale creatures. You may still think Darth Vader is the one for you future boyfriend, and Superman waits for you every day near the school gates and one day will save you from all troubles combined. Hmm, let's do it this way, fictional characters remain fictional, and your future you build it yourself. To fly into space in our time requires incredibly long and difficult preparation; not everyone can undertake such a journey. So, if suddenly you still cherish the hope of becoming one of the followers of Yuri Gagarin and exploring the unknown, you will have to work hard.

Time will go by just as slowly

When childhood ends, time begins to fly inexorably. So quickly that you barely have time to open your eyes while lying in bed in the morning before it’s time to fall back into sleep, on which you spend almost a third of your life. Why? There are more things to do day by day, the level of responsibility increases to the maximum, and you have to be in constant multitasking mode and maximum speed accomplishing these most important tasks. Appreciate every minute, every hour, every day you live, learn to rejoice and put all the most pleasant moments of life into a treasury of memories so that it turns out bright, unforgettable, but most importantly - exactly the way you imagined it when you dreamed of become an adult quickly.

Employers and university teachers are increasingly complaining about the lack of independence of modern youth. Today, even 25-year-old boys and girls are not ready to be adults: to take responsibility, cope with problems without outside help, and look for non-standard solutions. They wait for ready-made instructions, take failures too hard, and at the same time consider themselves superstars. Hard work is not for them: representatives of the new generation want to get everything at once. Many are completely dependent on their parents and are in no hurry to start their own family.

Why is this happening? Julie Lythcott-Haims, dean of first-year students at Stanford University and author of Let Them Go, believes the fact is that we ourselves do not give our children freedom. If parents completely control a child's life and try to protect him from all troubles, he will not learn to be independent. Therefore, do not expect that an infantile teenager will miraculously mature as soon as he turns eighteen.

Never before in history have parents looked after their children as much as they do now. We try to do everything to make them successful and self-confident, but the results are the opposite.

When you praise your child for the most insignificant achievements, you allow him everything, constantly tell him that he is smart, and in any situation you are ready to immediately rush to help, be it a conflict with peers or a difficult problem. homework, is one extreme. Of course, this way he will not learn to be independent and will not understand how important it is to make efforts to achieve something.

The second approach is also related to overprotection, but manifests itself differently. Parents, on the contrary, create too many rules, put pressure on the child with authority and plan his every move. They decide what and when he should do, which university he will go to, which faculty he will enroll in. It is unlikely that all this will make a person happy and responsible.

If in both cases children grow up unadapted to adult life, then what should we do? Julie Lythcott-Haims advises looking for a middle ground. There are four parenting styles: dismissive, permissive, authoritarian and authoritative. Neglect is the worst option (parents do not care about the child at all). Permissive and authoritarian, as we just found out, do not lead to anything good. But let's talk about authoritative in more detail.

An authoritative parenting style requires parents to be attentive to their child's feelings and allow them to act independently. At the same time, they set strict but fair rules. Adults who use this method never say, “Because I said so.” Instead, they explain why they made a particular decision and can compromise if necessary.

All this allows the child to develop the ability to self-control, which is so necessary in adulthood. It is this skill, according to modern researchers, that determines whether a person will become successful. In the book “Coming of Age,” psychology professor Lawrence Steinberg explains how to help a teenager learn to manage himself. Here are three basic rules:

1. Show your love. Do not hesitate to tell your child about your feelings for him, do not skimp on affection, help him believe in himself. Take an active part in his life, ask about what is happening to him. Be an understanding communicator who is ready to listen and support. But don’t give your teenager ready-made solutions; he still has to find them on his own.

Try asking leading questions: “How would you deal with the problem? Okay, what else can you do?”

2. Set rules. There is no way to do without them, because otherwise the child will not understand what behavior is considered acceptable. Set your expectations very clearly. Don't say, "You have to clean your room." Instead, say, “Dust, mop the floor, fold your textbooks neatly, and put your dirty clothes in the laundry.” All your expectations should be logical and fair. Don't be afraid to discuss them with your teenager and listen to his opinion. Sometimes it really is worth making a compromise. If your child breaks a rule, you can punish him, but not too harshly. Under no circumstances should you use physical force, show excessive anger, shout or humiliate.

3. Gradually release control. As they grow older, allow your child to act more autonomously and give him more freedom. Let him learn to control himself without your help. Praise for effort, not results or personal qualities. And in case of failure, focus on what the teenager did well and discuss what could be done differently next time.

These three principles only work in combination with each other. Permissiveness will not help a child develop the skill of self-regulation, nor will total control on the part of parents. Without love and understanding, you will not succeed either.

Some more helpful thoughts from the book Let Them Go:

It is necessary that the child master some life skills before adulthood, otherwise it will be difficult for him to get used to independence. A teenager should be able to do housework, cook dinner, communicate with strangers, resolve conflicts, navigate the city, fill out forms, and so on.

This scheme works perfectly: first you do it for him, then together with him, then watch how he copes on his own, and finally stop controlling.

Games - important element child development. This is how he explores the world and learns to think outside the box. It is wrong to schedule a teenager’s day minute by minute, burden him with various sections, additional educational courses and deprive him of free time that he can devote to playing with other children.

Without critical thinking, it is difficult to succeed at anything and completely impossible to create something new. If you want your child to grow up, teach him to think, and not to unquestioningly follow other people's instructions. For example, you can ask him to find five ways to solve a problem. Ask questions about the world around you, discuss literary works and films, analyze different points of view.

A psychologically mature person is not afraid to make mistakes. Don't try to protect your child from any trouble. Do not instill in him the idea that he is the most intelligent and talented from birth. People with this attitude experience an intense fear of not meeting expectations. And if they fail, they become disappointed and despondent, instead of drawing conclusions and looking for a way out.

Allow your teenager to make mistakes and cope with problems on their own, and praise them for their efforts. Then he will be able to take difficulties calmly.

In order for a teenager to become independent and happy, do not force a university and a specialty on him. Let him choose what interests him, even if you don't agree with this decision. If a child has not yet decided, the book “You can do more than you think” will help him find himself, reveal his strengths and narrow down the circle suitable professions. Well, for those who dream of starting their own business, it wouldn’t hurt to read the bestseller “Why didn’t anyone tell me this at 20?” . Its author, Doctor of Science Tina Seelig, teaches to look for new ideas, experiment, solve problems and perceive life as a challenge.

Another important skill, without which it will be difficult for an adult to survive in modern world, - the ability to properly manage your time. As much as you might like it, don't give your teen a ready-made schedule. This is, of course, easier. But it is much more useful to teach your child to make to-do lists, set priorities, and deal with distractions. An excellent assistant will be the educational notebook “Planning”, which contains useful exercises on time management. You can start with this:

“During the day you have to do a lot of things that can be done in less than four minutes. Think a little and write down all these mini-to-dos. Or time how long it takes you to do certain things. When we come into contact with things we don’t like, we often overestimate their scale and therefore put them off until later. Complete each of the four-minute tasks as soon as they arise. The matter will be completed quickly, and you will have another reason to be proud.”

It is equally important that the child be able to defend his position and communicate with other people on equal terms. These are precisely the qualities that many millennials lack.

Today, no one is surprised that parents learn about the rules of admission to a university, stand in line with applicants, and fill out documents. Then they pester you with calls to the dean, and a few years later they go to interviews with graduates. Are teenagers really unable to cope with such simple tasks? Why do they seek protection and support from adults? The fact is that modern children are simply not used to acting independently. Give them more freedom (not at 18, but much earlier) - and they will gain inner strength. The “Self-Confidence” notebook with interesting and unusual exercises will help you work on resilience and self-esteem. Let's share one of them:

"Ask stranger, which restaurant to choose. This exercise will help you address strangers with certainty. Take a pen and paper, choose three people you like, for example on the street or at a train station, and ask them to recommend a restaurant to you. Find out the name of the restaurant, address and price level. Ask your interlocutor's favorite dishes. Write it all down and thank the person.”

You may think that your child faces too many pitfalls and disappointments in the real world, so watch his every move. But there is nothing to be afraid of. Just a few decades ago, it would never have occurred to parents to fuss so much around their children. In fact, it is much more dangerous to not prepare a teenager for adulthood at all. If you want to raise a self-sufficient, confident, happy and responsible person, you will have to overcome your fears.

Incredible facts

The older we get, the fewer illusions we experience and the less often we put on the notorious “rose-colored” glasses.

By the age of 30, most of us have learned our lessons and comprehended the seemingly simple truths of life, some of which turn out to be quite cruel.

But he presents them to us Life itself with the goal of making it wiser and more experienced.

The cruel truth of life

1. Shyness and uncertainty do not help in life.

Remember school years. When we were afraid to raise our hand in class just because “everyone is looking at you.”

We blushed the moment our pen dropped in class and felt awkward if we were treated to something, because we were afraid of looking “something wrong” in the eyes of others.

Or we blushed when listening to congratulations on our birthday, as well as in other situations when even the slightest attraction of attention to our person was implied.

Shyness and self-doubt are frequent companions of childhood and especially the transition period.

But one day there comes a time when you realize that “shyness” is not an excuse and it’s absolutely not worth carrying this trait with you into adulthood. Leave it in the past.

Now remember your thoughts about a person who averts his eyes during a conversation, or avoids greeting, or, when in company, does not insert even a couple of phrases into the conversation.

It is unlikely that you will want to continue communicating with such an interlocutor, and you are unlikely to think of him as a shy or timid person.

Most likely, you have a not entirely pleasant impression of him.

Therefore, as we grow older, we, as a rule, become more confident in ourselves and discard unnecessary timidity and embarrassment.

Time to change your life

2. Nothing will change on its own unless you put effort into it.

You shouldn’t wait for the weather by the sea and hope that everything will be resolved on its own.

If you don't put effort into something, everything will remain at the same level and in the same place.

Whenever some interesting opportunity appears on the horizon, be it new project, new job, date or new flat, it’s worth pushing yourself to start something new.

And then continue to make efforts to ensure that the new endeavor ends successfully.

If you want something different, to change your life, try, look, change.

Of course, you can wait long and tediously for changes to happen without your direct participation, but most likely it will be a useless wait.

Remember: things that fall from the sky are rarely worthwhile or good.

Truths of human life

3. Everything in life is temporary

You must always remember that everything in life is temporary. You will only be at this age, in this place, in this job, with this team, in this state of health, once.

Therefore, if you are not happy with something at this stage of life, and you do not feel comfortable, remember that it will pass.

Again, refer to previous point: something is going wrong? Make an effort to change what you are not happy with.

If, on the contrary, everything is going fabulously well in life, be grateful for it and enjoy the moment.

Never lie

4. Never lie

No matter how trite it may sound, but... NEVER lie.

It's simple: the truth is always the same. By telling it, you will never get confused, while by lying, you will not end up with problems later when this truth is revealed.

Remember books, films. All the problems and troubles for the heroes began precisely because of lies.

The harsh truth of life

5. If you don't show up, people stop inviting you.

One of the most difficult moments in life is getting up and going to work every day. mandatory. Most often we force ourselves to do this.

The second hardest part in life is trying to muster up the remaining energy to be a socially active person.

Of course, the easiest way is after a long time working day get away from everything and just relax.

However, remember that the logic of those around you is quite simple: they turn to people who are open to communication.

If you are closed off and never go anywhere, people will simply stop inviting you.

6. You need to ask for what you want.

Continuing the theme of timidity and self-doubt, it is worth adding: you should always ask for what you want.

Forget your childhood fears that they will somehow look at you or think badly if, for example, in a restaurant you ask to replace one sauce with another.

Remember: you have almost no chance of getting what you want unless you ask and ask about it. Unfortunately, few people have psychic abilities and are able to guess what you want.

7. People don't look at us as closely as we think they do.

A funny case-experiment on this topic:

For a month, one of the company’s employees wore the same set of clothes, consisting of six items.

A couple of weeks later, her colleague working at the same table complimented her on her beautiful dress.

To which the surprised woman replied that she had worn this dress at least ten times during this month.

What does this mean?

About the fact that few people notice such insignificant details as shoes or what you are wearing.

8. What and who you are is your own choice.

If you are always late, have a bad understanding of, say, geography, or are addicted to your phone, you need to understand that these are not innate character traits, they are what you choose for yourself.

Not good at math? Get a tutor or buy textbooks and try to understand a complex topic.

If you are running late, you can leave home 10-15 minutes earlier to be at your destination on time.

In a word: work on yourself, improve yourself and don’t look for various excuses and justifications for your disadvantages and failures.

And if there is something in your life that you are not particularly proud of, change it.

9. You have to take care of yourself

Remember how your mother took care of you as a child? So, unfortunately, you can forget about such care on the part of other people.

If you don't take care of yourself, no one will. This applies to any aspect of life.

No one will feed you healthy food until you start doing it yourself. No one is going to monitor what you visit Gym and trained regularly. No one will make an appointment for you to see a doctor until you deign to do so.

If you don't do all this yourself, no one will do it for you.

Conclusions about life

10. Keep your promises

Deliver what you promise.

Be where you promised to be. Do everything on time, as promised.

If you are not going to do something or are not sure that you will do it, it is better not to promise anything.

No one is trying to force you to make empty promises.

There is nothing worse than a man who does not fulfill them. In the eyes of others, a person who makes empty promises looks pathetic and useless.

The worst thing we can do is think too much about the problems ahead. Creating scenarios in your head when there is no idea is far from the best option. Then all that remains is to go to bed and cover yourself with a blanket up to your ears, hoping that it will be less scary there. However, this way we will not solve the problem. The best way out is to stop thinking and act. One action will lead to the next, and we will find a job, entering adulthood without problems.

Believe in yourself

Do you know what is the reason for this fear? Due to lack of faith that you can handle it. But there is another option. Believe in your abilities and you will achieve everything you want. Of course, it is quite natural to fear uncertainty. Some are less afraid, others more. If this fear is paralyzing, you should seek the help of a psychotherapist. Cities certainly add stress levels, and entering city life is definitely a leap into deep water.

What is maturity?

If we are afraid of the unknown, first we should find out what is hidden under the word “maturity”? Maturity from the point of view of psychology and biology is part of a cycle human life, which occurs after a period of achieving physical maturity, completion of the period of biological growth of the body and important vital functions. According to developmental psychology, it is impossible to definitively determine when a person becomes an adult. Some people believe that an adult is a person who is economically independent. Of course, there is part of the truth in this, but, of course, this is not the only indicator.

Change your point of view

Think about what you are really afraid of? Go to work? After all, all our lives, every day we went to school, after which we returned home and did our homework. Now understand that work is no different from school. When working, you simply perform assigned tasks and responsibilities for an appropriate monetary reward. If you work and earn money, then you automatically have money to hold on.

Maturity teaches humility

In almost any case, theoretical knowledge is one thing, but reality is completely different. You can talk a lot about adult life, but you will only feel it when you enter it yourself. Despite your fears, do not hesitate. Don't hide under the covers anymore. It may be warm and safe there, but life has prepared enough pleasant surprises for you that you can take advantage of simply by taking action. Every day you will make choices for which you will suffer consequences, but they will teach you humility. Maturity is a school that teaches life. It depends on you how quickly you learn and absorb everything you need.

5 mental traumas from childhood that hinder us in adulthood are betrayal, humiliation, mistrust, and injustice. He describes them in his book “5 Mental Traumas” , who prevent you from being yourself" Liz Burbo.

Traumas are the consequences of painful childhood experiences that shape our personality as adults, influence who we are, and determine our ability to overcome adversity.

We must admit to ourselves that we have mental traumas and stop masking them. The longer we wait for recovery, the deeper they become. The fear of reliving the suffering that happened to us prevents us from moving forward.

Unfortunately, quite often our emotional and mental health is destroyed in childhood. As adults, we are not aware of what blocks us. We do not understand that the presence of mental traumas that we received when we first met the world prevents us from moving forward.

1. Fear of abandonment

Helplessness is the worst enemy of a person who has been abandoned. Imagine how painful it is for a defenseless child to experience the fear of loneliness, to be left alone in a world unfamiliar to him.

Subsequently, when the helpless child becomes an adult, he tries to prevent a situation in which he will again be left alone. So any person who is abandonedin childhood, will increasingly move away from their partners. This is due to the fear of experiencing mental pain again.

Often these people think and say something like this: “I will leave you before you leave me,” “No one supports me, I can’t stand it,” “If you leave, you may never come back.”

Such people need to work on their fear of loneliness. This is the fear of abandonment and fear of physical contact (hugs, kisses, sexual relations). You will help yourself if you drown out the fear of loneliness.

2. Fear of rejection

This trauma prevents us from opening up to our feelings, thoughts and experiences. The appearance of such fear in childhood is associated with rejection received from parents, family or friends. Pain as a result leads to incorrect self-esteem and excessive narcissism.

This fear triggers thoughts of being rejected, being an unwanted family member/friend, and therefore being a bad person.

A rejected child does not feel worthy of love and understanding. He isolates himself so as not to face suffering again.

Most likely, an adult who was rejected as a child will become a runaway. That is why he needs to work on his inner fears that provoke panic.

If this is your case, try to learn how to make informed decisions on your own. This way you will stop worrying about people moving away from you. You will stop taking the fact that someone forgot about you for a while personally. In order to live, you only need yourself.

3. Humiliation is one of the mental traumas that comes from childhood.

This wound occurs when we feel that other people do not accept us and criticize us. You can seriously hurt a child by telling him that he is stupid, bad, or incompetent, and by comparing him to others. Unfortunately, this happens very often. It destroys the nursery and prevents children from learning to love themselves.

This personality type often develops into a dependent personality. Some people who experienced humiliation in childhood become tyrants and selfish people. They begin to humiliate others - this is their defense mechanism.

If something like this has happened to you, you need to work on your freedom and independence.

4. Fear of trusting another person after betrayal

This fear develops after people close to the child do not keep their promises. As a result, he feels betrayed and deceived. It develops mistrust, which can transform into envy or other negative feelings . For example, a child feels unworthy of promised things or things that others have.

Such children grow up to be perfectionists and lovers of controlling everything. These people like to double-check everything, leaving nothing to chance.

If you faced similar problems as a child, it is very likely that you feel the need to control other people. This is often justified by having a strong character. However, this is just a defense mechanism against another possible deception.

These people often repeat their mistakes, confirming other people's prejudices. They need to develop patience, tolerance towards other people, the ability to live calmly and distribute authority.

5. Injustice

A sense of injustice often develops in children of cold and authoritarian parents. This creates a feeling of powerlessness and worthlessness both in childhood and in adulthood.

Albert Einstein expressed this idea perfectly in his famous statement: “ We are all geniuses. But if we judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, it will spend its entire life thinking it is stupid.”

As a result, children who have suffered from indifference and coldness grow up to become tough people. They do not tolerate half measures in any area of ​​their life. They also feel very important and powerful.

These perfectionists are fanatical about order. Often such people take their ideas to the point of absurdity., so it’s difficult for them to make informed decisions.

To solve these problems, you need to get rid of suspicion and emotional cruelty. to learn to trust others.

Now you know all five of the most common mental traumas that can negatively affect your life, health and block your development. Having learned about them, it is much easier to begin to recover mentally.

First required step: admit to yourself that you have one of these mental traumas, allow yourself to be angry with yourself, and give yourself time to overcome it.