Retired FBI Special Agent Jack Schafer Now writes books, is a doctor of philosophy and psychology. And once he was engaged in behavior analysis within the Federal Bureau special program national security FBI. Shafer described his professional skills in the book “Turning on Charm Using the Methods of the Special Services,” in which he talks about “secret” communication techniques that allow you to win over any person. AiF.ru publishes excerpts from the book.
“Mirror” gestures
We always subconsciously like people who look like us or act like us. That's why there is such a thing scientific concept which is called isopraxy. Isopraxy is when we “mirror” the gestures of our interlocutor. Let's say, if he folds his arms across his chest and you do the same, then you have a better chance of making him like you more. If your interlocutor crosses his legs, do the same. In addition to gestures, you can add such a thing - adapt to the person’s breathing, that is, inhale and exit at the same interval as your interlocutor. Of course, you shouldn’t go to extremes; if you repeat every gesture of your interlocutor or deliberately openly adjust to your breathing, then this may look too intrusive and ridiculous.
Tilt your head towards your interlocutor
There are carotid arteries in our neck. They are very important for circulatory system, because damage to one of them can lead to a person very quickly losing a lot of blood and dying. It so happened that when a person tilts his head to the left or to the right, he seems to open his carotid artery. This gesture is subconsciously read as an act of friendliness. In body language it sounds something like this: “I opened my carotid artery for you, I don’t feel threatened by you. I like you". There was even a study that proved that women prefer men who approach them with their heads slightly tilted. And for men, accordingly, women are the same.
Tilting your head is a sure-fire way to make a person a little prettier and win them over.
Swing bridges of communication
Turning bridges of communication are some phrases that the interlocutor said in your previous conversation, and you are mentioning them now. For example, you say to your interlocutor: “Do you remember the story you told about the cat who walked 32 kilometers to pass the house last time? So, I told this story to my mother-in-law - she simply cried with emotion.” Or, for example, like this: “Do you remember, last time you recommended a good tour operator. So, we turned to him, and they helped us find an excellent last minute tour. Thank you". Or even like this: “That time you said that another tie would fit under this shirt. I changed it immediately.” Turning bridges of communication show how important the interlocutor is to you and how much you remember every meeting with him, his words or advice. You emphasize the importance of dating and communication for you.
Third person compliments
Everything is clear here: in order not to look like an overly flattering person, you can use a technique such as third-person compliments. For example, you met a colleague from the HR department who is known for baking excellent pancakes that she likes to treat everyone to. You can tell her this: “I met the head of the transport department here, and he is simply delighted with your pancakes!” After this, by the way, you can even ask something important to you. For example: “By the way, do you happen to know when we are expecting a salary increase?”
Intentional mistakes
There is another interesting technique. When communicating with a person, you can intentionally make some small mistake. For example, pronouncing a word incorrectly. Or, let’s say, if you are communicating with a candidate of biological sciences, then you supposedly accidentally confuse bluegrass with nettles. People, as a rule, immediately begin to correct you, and this makes them feel better in their own eyes. Thus, they begin to feel even more confident around you. For them, this is an indicator that all people are imperfect. This means you can be imperfect yourself. And people, you yourself understand, love those with whom you can be imperfect.
Excerpt provided by Mann, Ivanov and Ferber Publishing House
These techniques will help improve communication in any situation.
We are all interested in the opinions of others. We want to be loved (although in the rebellious 15 years no one will admit it). How to achieve this? Everything is obvious: you need to be a good man- decent and attentive to others. It's clear. However, there are other qualities that affect how we will be perceived.
Most of the tips below are simple techniques that are easy to use. Everyday life. At first glance, some rules may seem stupid, but if you try to stick to them, you will notice that people treat you better.
1. Use first names
Let's face it - we're all narcissists and we love the sound of our name. Remember the names of those you communicate with and always use them in conversation. This is a classic and time-tested technique from Dale Carnegie's famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
2. Smile sincerely
We live in an era digital technologies, which are increasingly replacing face-to-face communication, but we are still people, which means we are social creatures. Feedback and live reactions from others are important to us.
When we see someone sincerely smiling at us, we are filled with happiness. Plenty of research shows that emotions, both positive and negative, are contagious. If your good attitude made a person happier, then he will treat you better.
3. Listen (and not just with your ears)
People love to be listened to. This is an obvious truth. For starters, you can put your phone down during lunch with friends, but, of course, our advice comes down to more than that. To show that you are listening to the person, you can use body language: you should turn to the interlocutor or mirror his posture and gestures, and also establish eye contact (this is very important). Don’t forget about the verbal reaction (our next tip is about this).
4. React to your interlocutor’s statements
Most psychology books call this technique “active listening.” The point is to speak out loud some of the interlocutor’s remarks. For example:
- Max: Last weekend I went to a beer tasting - there were hundreds of different varieties from different parts of the country.
- You: So you tried a bunch of different new varieties?
- Max: Yes, it was great. My favorite was Pretty Things Magnifico.
- You: Magnifico was the best?
- Max: Yes, very tasty.
Even if such a dialogue looks a little strange in recorded form, but spoken it sounds quite natural, and the interlocutor begins to treat you better, because he feels that you are listening to him attentively. Besides, when someone repeats our words, it pleases our ego.
5. Recall previous conversation
We discussed that it is very important to show the person that you are really listening to them. To show interest, recall the content of the previous conversation. Did a colleague talk about his son's science project last week? Ask how the demo experience went. A friend said that she was going to paint the kitchen this weekend. new color? On Monday, don't forget to ask if she liked the result. It is not necessary to return to some fateful events. When you remember the little things, it shows much better that you are interested in the other person's life.
6. Give sincere compliments and praise to others.
And again remember Carnegie: people crave recognition. Let this not be empty flattery - most of us feel it very well, and no one likes a sucker. But people like genuine appreciation and are happy when their efforts are appreciated.
Also, don't be shy about praising people for their accomplishments. If the interlocutor did an excellent job, do not forget to note this - and he will not forget about it either.
7. Criticize tactfully
It is important to be able not only to praise people, but also to criticize them correctly. We have sensitive egos, and judgment, even occasional judgment, can hurt our pride. Of course, sometimes it is necessary to point out that something is going wrong, but criticism should always be deliberate and careful, and have a specific purpose. If someone has made a mistake, never reprimand them publicly. Be gentle. You can use the “sandwich tactic”: praise - criticism - praise. For example:
“Yesterday you sent me a news template - great job. But in the last report there were several errors in the numbers, do not forget to double-check them. By the way, that one great material“What you posted on Facebook was great, it really resonated with the public.”
Of course, you can also say this:
“There are several errors in the figures in your latest report.”
But the reaction in this case will be completely different.
In any case, if a person apologizes and promises to be more attentive, you should not continue to put pressure on him. Tell him not to worry and that you are confident that he will make things right, then move on to the next topic. The fewer charges, the better.
You can also start with your own mistakes, and only then move on to others. Remember that your goal is to minimize criticism and give out just the right amount of it.
8. Avoid giving directions - ask questions
Nobody likes to be told what to do. What to do if an employee needs to be given a task? You can make your request in the form of a question. The result will be the same, but the attitude towards you will be different.
Most people say this:
“This report should be on my desk this evening.”
And you try to reformulate this phrase into a question:
“Do you think it will be possible to finish the report today? It would help me out a lot."
The essence is the same, but what a difference in approach!
9. Don't be a robot
People love sincerity. The classic approach to business involves communicating from the position of an alpha male: shoulders back, chin up, a strong handshake. But in this case, it’s easy to get out of the image, and then it will become clear that this is not your real face.
It is better to try to act confidently but respectfully. According to some experts, if you need to get someone to cooperate, lean forward a little when greeting them. As a result, your new acquaintance will have a higher opinion of you.
10. Learn to tell stories
People love good stories, so the skills of a skilled storyteller will never be superfluous. The ability to develop a narrative is an art form that requires mastery of language and rhythm. Become a good speaker and people will listen to you with pleasure.
11. Use touch
This is a rather complex topic. Obviously, you can't touch people randomly. But we must take into account that the skillful use of touch can endear a person to us. For example, ending a meeting and shaking the other person’s hand right hand, with your left you can lightly touch his forearm. However, if you feel that this technique is not for you, that’s okay.
Oddly enough, asking people for advice - great way win them over. This shows that you value and respect the other person's opinion. When you let a person know that his advice is important to you, he will respond with sympathy.
13. Avoid clichés
Let's face it - no one likes boring people. They are not interesting. We appreciate the unusual, the unique, and sometimes even the weird.
There are situations in which avoiding clichés is especially important, such as during a job interview. When saying goodbye, don’t say: “It was nice to meet you.” Add at least some zest: “I had a really nice time” or “It was so cool to learn how things work here.” No need to reinvent the wheel - just be yourself.
14. Ask questions
Ask people questions. About everything: about their life, their interests and hobbies. This the right way get some extra points. People are self-centered - they love to talk about themselves. By asking questions, we get people to tell us what they're thinking, and they end up treating us better. Even if the overall content of the conversation does not show you on the good side, you will be grateful simply for the opportunity to stroke your pride.
We have all met people in our lives who attract attention to themselves. Pleasant conversationalists with excellent appearance simply attract the attention of everyone around them. They are confident in themselves, luck favors them, everything works out for them. You shouldn’t envy them and look for a catch in something - this is a great time to understand that you, too, can become confident and open to other people! And this will endear you to other people.
First of all, it is necessary to mention that a person is able to feel how you feel about him! Therefore, a lot depends on your internal location.
But, nevertheless, it is worth highlighting the main points that help to win over a person:
Self-esteem
The most important criterion for the magnetism of a person, especially if she is “healthy”. By “healthy” I mean one that is at the level of 36.6 and although an increase in temperature, um, body self-esteem, is necessary in some situations, a decrease in temperature does not represent any value, just like the people who have it. People with good, healthy self-esteem believe in themselves and make others believe in themselves. Start strengthening the immune system of your self-esteem. Affirmations (positive self-hypnosis), a success diary (every day write down all your successes and positive actions, from “became the president of your country” to “gave up your seat on the bus to an elderly person”) are suitable for this. This will greatly help you in communicating with people and in life in general.
Sight
Everyone knows about the power of the gaze, and it is not in vain that they say that the eyes are the mirror of the soul. And then, I want to quote the American thinker Ralph Emerson, who wrote: “A look can be no less threatening than a loaded gun aimed at a person, a look can offend like a spit or a blow, but it can also radiate with kindness and make the heart dance for joy."
Yes, the power of a glance is truly amazing, and here’s what you need to know in order for your gaze to attract people to you. The look should not be monotonous, there is no need to drill holes in your interlocutor, unless, of course, this is your goal. To win the sympathy of others, you need to train yourself to have a look that radiates warmth and kindness. How to do it? – yes, it’s very simple! When making eye contact with your interlocutor, thank him mentally, give him compliments, it doesn’t matter what the words are, the main thing is that they are positive. It really works! – just try it, you will be surprised how your relationships with people will change.
Appearance
Well, I think it’s no secret to anyone that people are greeted by their clothes. The well-known wisdom is also suitable in everyday life. Let’s say you were greeted by your amazing “clothing”, and then recognized as a highly spiritual person - this is excellent! But believe me, the next day, if you show up with aggressive sweat glands, with deposits of dirt under your nails, with drifts of dandruff on your shoulders, with a greasy head (one component is often enough), then no one will care about your highly spiritual speeches. Previously, washing at the royal court once a year was considered the norm, but now, as they say, circumstances have changed. Keep an eye on your appearance!
Personal resource
By personal resource I mean your internal content. These include intellectual abilities, a sense of humor, the ability to maintain a positive attitude, and such human qualities as the ability to listen, encourage, and console. All those qualities that make you a person different from others. Personal resource, or rather, its presence and greatness, is the most important thing in the magnetism of a person!
What's next?
Do you want to be the center of attention? To be welcome at any party, in any company? Attract people to yourself rather than being attracted to others? Well, now you are armed with my advice, now you can do anything! Take action! Develop a personal resource in yourself, increase your intelligence, read, learn to see at least a piece of good in everything, train your communication skills, (D. Carnegie will help you) watch your appearance, maintain your posture and gaze, forget about low self-esteem.
And, most importantly, be kind and attentive to people and they will not be slow to answer you in kind. The criterion for attention is the ability to give compliments, practice this.
How to win people over? This is a matter of practice rather than theory. But, now you have secret rules. By developing these qualities, you can easily win over the people around you.
When meeting new people, we all want to form the most best experience About Me, because this is a certain guarantee that further communication will be equally pleasant for both us and the new acquaintance. The ability to make the right impression about yourself and win people over is worth a lot, but, unfortunately, it is not available to everyone. It is worth admitting that we are not always able to please our new acquaintances; rather, on the contrary, sometimes for some reason we are perceived in a completely different way than we want. Through some of our wrong actions, we form a negative perception of ourselves among others and then “reap the fruits” of this.
Even The fact that you are a wonderful person by nature does not at all guarantee that you can easily win people over. Not everyone can look into your big soul the first time and admit that you are a “great guy.” But not at all like that wonderful person how you will be able to instill in others the necessary thoughts about yourself and attract them to your side. Each of us knows examples of how people with a fairly low spiritual level aroused amazing sympathy among those around them. How did they do it? After all, they didn’t use magic potions and love spells for this?
In fact, any of us can become a person who enjoys the sympathy of others. You just need to follow a few basic rules.
Be proactive in making new connections. This means that you need to become more open and be the first to take steps towards dating. A closed person will never be able to “show himself in all his glory,” so you must take the first step.
Smile more. Everyone likes people who radiate positivity, so we instinctively gravitate towards someone who has a welcoming smile on their lips. By replacing the mask of a gloomy loser with the mask of “darling of fate,” you will attract many new acquaintances who want to bask in the rays of your love of life.
Just kidding. A sense of humor is a wonderful tool for pleasing others and winning people over. Who among us doesn't like funny, witty people? Therefore, if God has endowed you with this wonderful gift, feel free to use it to make a favorable impression on people.
Keep it simple. Follow the rule “Keep it simple and people will reach out to you.” The more unavailable you appear, the less likely people are to want to communicate with you. Each of us would prefer a person who does not suffer from a self-importance complex.
Remember names. There is nothing more pleasant for a person than sound own name. When people address you by name, you feel that the person is distinguishing you from the crowd, which means that he is interested in you.
Learn to listen. Nothing attracts people to you more than your ability to listen attentively and kindly. This makes you responsive and understanding in their eyes, although during the entire conversation you may not utter a word. "Grateful Listener" is one of the highest titles in the world of human relationships that can be achieved.
Praise your interlocutor. Any person likes it when others positively evaluate his actions or personal qualities, so do not skimp on praise, but at the same time, “don’t go too far,” otherwise you will be considered an ordinary sycophant. Stick to the middle ground, giving credit to the other person while remaining objective.
Be yourself. Nothing attracts others more than your individuality and difference from others.
As seen, winning people over is not that difficult. By putting these simple tips into practice, you will be surprised at how much the attitude towards you has changed in better side. At the same time, you don’t have to change internally at all, although when a person’s internal attitudes and external manifestations coincide, this makes him especially interesting and attractive to others. We wish that this is exactly what happens in your case.
Do you know how to win people over? How do you do this? Share your experience with us, we will definitely post it on our website.
Nonna BrownEvery person is charming and attractive in their own way. Some people believe that the principle of charm and attractiveness lies in modesty and simplicity, another in friendliness and philanthropy, and a third in communication and sociability. But a person’s charm is inherent in nature, and this does not mean that if a person is not charming by nature, he cannot become one. Taking into account your type, character, external and internal conditions, as well as the individual personality of another person, you can become a captivating and charming person. To do this you need to really want it. If you like a person and want to make friends with him, tune in to positive communication, take into account some of the factors he has.
Understanding the soul of the interlocutor
To understand the soul and thoughts of your interlocutor, quietly observe him, find out what topic he likes, what he is interested in, what his hobby is. Quietly and unobtrusively identify topics that do not interest him. This way you will find common ground with the person. You cannot turn him towards you with direct questions, because he will think something is wrong and decide that you want something from him.
Do you want to determine what types of people your interlocutor is? When talking with him, observe his attitude towards you. You will recognize this by facial expressions, gestures, facial expressions, and personal characteristics, which include conciseness and openness.
People with a compressed character believe that their position is a little higher than others, but this is actually not the case.
Do not talk to compressed people about their involuntary pomposity, since this is their defensive reaction and it is not worth talking about them as imperfections in character.
People with an open character perceive other people quietly, peacefully, correctly and easily and naturally communicate with them.
At different periods of time, people's moods are also different. Since they live by their state of mind, emotions, feelings, their mood affects your communication with them more than their personal ones.
Often, mood can have a negative impact. People want to insure and protect themselves from any problems. Since a person can cheat, deceive, deceive, he is afraid of the same from others. Consequently, a person, meeting new people, becomes wary and does not trust them. But this is a normal phenomenon when meeting new people and communicating. Long-time comrades do not always trust each other.
You cannot tell your interlocutor that you will not harm him. He will not accept these words as truth and in fact will be right. Therefore, when talking with him, define your interests so that he understands what you want from him. Do this unobtrusively. To avoid causing a negative reaction, there needs to be a line between overtly stating your intentions and hinting at them. How you do it is up to you, since a person is extremely individual for submission.
Do not try to demonstrate excessive favor with a good mood and smiles. At best, they will decide that you are a person with a superficial nature, and at worst, they will take you for a bad person. To make a person feel good in society, friendliness and goodwill are encouraged. But people who are busy with problems do not find time for distracting light conversations. Deceivers and swindlers can often take advantage of this and lure people with their friendliness for a while, and then use the more flexible ones for their own purposes. Adults develop immunity to these techniques.
You should not engage in the same behavior, so as not to harm your personal glory. Behave yourself in a natural way, as before. Then the interlocutor, after talking with you and getting to know your interests, will decide whether you are dangerous. Your natural open conversation will influence. A good opinion will be created of you as a conscientious, truthful and respectable person. Then they will rely on you more.
Mandatory conditions for conversation are not easily created. This is not always necessary if you do not have in your mind the imposition of your needs and problems on a person. If you are interested in the interlocutor's disposition towards you, pay some attention to him. Then a trusting connection will be created between you.
Traits of Charm
A ray of inner warmth and light immediately manifests itself in charming people. Natural charms are different from artificial ones. Smiling eyes, a soft and gentle voice, an open look, a genuine smile, smooth gestures are characteristic of charming people. But, in addition to these traits, a person conquers and wins over people with his optimism, honesty, sincerity, kindness, delicacy, calmness, and cheerfulness. Many people are attracted to these people, inner harmony and spiritual integrity.
To win people over, each person must remember certain things.
Charm comes from the soul. Under no circumstances should you pretend and put on a mask of “friendliness,” smile unnaturally, or praise everyone and everything. At one point this will be recognized. Sensitive people recognize lies, secrecy, and deception more quickly than non-sensitive people. An insincere person will not “win” the hearts of people.
A person is charming if he is not a “whiner”. A large number of people are drawn to positive, optimistic people. Of course, there are people with innate optimism, but there are also those who want to change their minds and believe in all the good things. It is not possible to become an optimist right away, so prohibit yourself from discussing negative topics when communicating with other people. negative expressions, words.
To become charming to people, you need to understand them, delve into their souls and identify their positive sides.
You need to realize your individuality. If each person accepts and loves himself as an individual, then he will love the people around him. He must value his own personality, then he will appreciate the individuality of others.
Know about some characteristic features charming people. Friendly people are not complex, calm, not prone to imitation, self-sufficient, tactful and friendly. These traits present in the character are immediately noticed by the interlocutor and appreciated by him.
You need to be able to listen to your interlocutor. People who do not value live communication develop a special way of conducting conversations. They do not listen to the interlocutor, but only pretend and wait until it is their turn to talk. “Charming people” attract people like magnets, because they listen with interest and attentively to their interlocutor, show patience with his affairs, worries, problems and allow him to speak out to his fullest.
Harmony of internal and external image. If the first impression is positive and it is interesting to talk with him, then further communication occurs favorably, easily and naturally. When meeting, a person’s appearance is also important. But this does not mean that you need to dress in expensive clothes and do some hairstyles. Clothes and hairstyle must match the mood or must lift it. Then this will be passed on to others, and they will be able to see charm, responsiveness and self-sufficiency in your personality.
Secrets of charm
Internal energy. The result of the state we are in at this stage is vital energy. There are two states in which a person resides: need and dignity.
To be afraid to lose, to fail, to make mistakes, to worry about other people's opinions of us, to be dependent on others is a state of need. In such a mood we are completely uncharming and people feel this and understand well the worries, doubts, suspicions, anxieties.
Love and respect yourself and the people around you, get carried away interesting activity, to feel happiness, delight is a state of dignity. In other words, kind, lively emotions, a positive outlook on life, self-confidence are virtues. This is the state in which we endear ourselves to people and look especially attractive.
Getting pleasure from dating, cheerfulness and cordiality. When talking with people, we are not uninterested in the opinion of the interlocutor. If his face does not express any emotion, it means he is bored or indifferent to the conversation. If the interlocutor’s face expresses positive and lively emotions, we also enjoy talking with them. So be friendly, friendly, open.
Smiling. Make a positive impression on people by smiling. But do it sincerely, because a fake smile can be felt. A smile can transform a person's appearance, revealing his charm and inner beauty.
Human eyes.
It’s not for nothing that the eyes are called the mirror of the soul, because with their help you can guess what kind of mood a person is in, how he is disposed towards the interlocutor and how he looks at the world.
An angry look in the eyes does not make communication favorable and friendly. A wary look indicates a person's distrust of you. In this case, protective measures are forced to be taken. And how pleasant it is to have a conversation with people whose eyes glow and emit kindness, jubilation, warmth, and cheerfulness. With sincere and smiling eyes, you will become captivating and inspire the sympathy of many people.
Sincere compliments. Flattering and pleasant words are like gifts, because if they were given with a big heart and love, they become priceless to you. If you want to give a compliment, do it. And accept praise gracefully.
Attention and concern for the interlocutor. At the beginning of a conversation with your interlocutor, do not talk about your ideas or assumptions, because this will interrupt communication and turn him against you. Be interested in the opinion of a friend, comrade or new acquaintance, ask about their opinion on a particular issue.
Give people the opportunity to understand their importance and appreciate them. Do this openly, honestly, sincerely, without flattery, and you will see how you win people over.
Benefit people with sincere positive words, positive actions and deeds and you will become the most charming people. Do good and the world will be kind to you.
January 23, 2014, 10:42 am