The article will discuss self-pity and its manifestations, the harmful habit of excessive introspection, which can lead to a state of deep depression. The advice from psychologists voiced in the publication will help eliminate this feeling.

The content of the article:

Pity is a feeling of compassion, empathy or condolences of one individual for himself or another. Happy man, for whom everything is smooth in life, is unlikely to experience it towards himself. After all, even pity for others is an emotion that is not inherent in all people. When it comes to self-empathy, the attitude towards the situation changes dramatically. It is necessary to understand in which cases such a feeling is an adequate reaction of the body, and where it becomes an obvious pathology.

Causes of self-pity

Selfishness within reasonable limits is a completely organic phenomenon for any person. Anyone who does not respect and value himself will never become a worthy representative of society in the eyes of society. However, in some cases, a person is overtaken by such a misfortune as an excessive feeling of self-pity.

The causes of the problem may lie in the following factors:

• Excessive demands on reality. Life is a complex process that often cannot be adjusted. In this case, you can often find whiners who simply dissolve in self-pity. All objects existing in the Galaxy are to blame for their troubles. In this case, the countdown must begin from the microbes and bacteria that had the audacity to penetrate the whiner’s body. Further claims are made to the guilty Supreme Intelligence, who dared to interfere in the whiner’s life. It is very difficult to communicate with such people, because when talking with them you can hear a huge amount of negative and unnecessary information.
• Hypochondria. In this case, I immediately remember the giraffe Melman from the famous animated film “Madagascar”, who was sick with literally everything. The suspiciousness of people of this type sometimes turns into a mania for persecution by all kinds of misfortunes. A hypochondriac man will not find only signs of pregnancy (and that’s not a fact!), and a woman with such a character will only be calm about the absence of prostatitis in her body. At the same time, self-pity is so overwhelming that it’s time to seek help from a competent psychotherapist.
• Dependence on other people's opinions. Only a cowardly or hypocritical person can deny the obvious fact that society is sometimes extremely cruel towards some subjects. Another question is how the victim of condemnation relates to such a fact. There are such shocking, self-confident people who don’t care about gossip and criticism. However, at the same time, a legion of suspicious and weak-willed people suffer nearby. For them, the opinion of others is a verdict that cannot be doubted. Self-pity in this case is of a hidden nature, so as not to give rise to additional ridicule from the persecutors.
• End of the tunnel situation. It's hard not to start feeling sorry for yourself if fate has smacked you in the face. In this case, people react to the problems that arise in different ways. This only turns the rebels on, giving them a reason for a new fight with fate. A person with a more lethargic life position launches a program of strict self-analysis, which gives him all the parameters for self-flagellation. After the destruction of his own “I,” such an individual begins to feel sorry for himself, complaining about the universal disharmony in relation to such a wonderful person.
• Betrayal by loved ones. Sometimes this happens solely in the head of someone who begins to feel sorry for himself. For example, let's take two literary characters: Arthur Burton (Gadfly) and the Count of Monte Cristo. Both are rebels with an unhappy fate, which was changed by both people and circumstances. The situations are different, because Gadfly, with the imaginary betrayal of his beloved Gemma, was offended by the whole world. Edmond Dantes (Count of Monte Cristo) took a different path, taking revenge on his real offenders and not becoming a victim of self-pity. Consequently, everyone reacts differently to the fact of betrayal by people significant to them.
• Manipulation of loved ones. Most likely, this is the most unpleasant cause of self-pity. The fact is that either experienced provocateurs or selfish people to the core do this kind of thing. There are rare cases when vulnerable and insecure people feel sorry for themselves at the expense of their loved ones. It is very important for them to show themselves weak and defenseless in this world full of dangers. If we formulate the problem more briefly, it looks like a diagram: I am good - you are strong - danger - I feel sorry for myself - help, because I am good.

The main signs of a self-pitying person

IN Everyday life It is easiest to spot an outright scumbag, because he does not hide his bright plumage of immorality. However, it is also easy to identify a hidden or visible whiner:

1. Eeyore type. The reasons for such a subject’s self-pity are often unknown, but the entire suffering appearance of the loser speaks of a deep tragedy. People of this type of character feel sorry for themselves always and everywhere, because it is simpler and easier to admit their failure.
2. . These subjects are loudly indignant, but at the same time quietly feel sorry for themselves. Very often they are simply egoists who hide their essence behind pompous and loud phrases about world peace and human rights.
3. Active pessimist. For such an individual, everything is very bad in life, even with a fairly well-established life. Mechanic Zeleny from the animated film “The Secret of the Third Planet” is a striking example of people of this type of character. “What’s wrong with us?” - the motto of active pessimists who very often feel sorry for themselves. It is always not they who are to blame, but the circumstances that they already foresaw.
4. Public whiner. In fact, this personality is very simple in description and very complex in perception. There are such people in any team, because they simply cannot not exist. Complaints in their mouths sound like an oath of loyalty to themselves, because they are mostly selfish natures. The attention of others for them is air, water and daily food.
5. Universal “vest for crying”. People of this type are always drawn to their own kind. They are not interested in solid and strong natures, because they do not have the slightest flaw. Feeling sorry for yourself is not bad, but enjoying this process with someone else is simply a delightful activity for whiners with such creative scope.
6. Self-confident sufferer. It would seem that these are incompatible concepts, but they coexist quite harmoniously in such a person. If a peacock man is abandoned by a girl, then self-pity will completely absorb the unlucky lover. True, he will regret not the loss of his beloved, but the fact that such a nice guy constantly falls into the net of insidious predators. In the end, he will calm down, because there are few super males in the world. Hence, the ideal man you need to take care of yourself, and not writhe in the throes of introspection.
7. Quiet Domestic Despot. There are violent tyrants who, according to who knows what created laws, need to use their fists to teach their other half to reason. However, there is a more cunning type of people who are capable of driving all their loved ones to white heat and at the same time remain a victim of family repression. These individuals feel sorry for themselves modestly, but with destructive force.
8. Little Napoleon. “I said it, period” is the motto of such regional field marshals. At the same time, they can talk a lot, but they are always off topic and out of tune. Among the mass of clichés they utter about order in a system unknown to them, it is not difficult to recognize a whiner. In a situation of well-deserved failure of brilliant ideas and plans, they begin to feel sorry for the brilliant “I” in such a perfect body.

Note! The listed signs of a self-pitying person can be inherent in a small dose to every person. You just need to prevent the fact that the described problem becomes the dominant aspect in the life of an adequate person.

Methods for dealing with self-pity

You can feel sorry for yourself, but you don't need to. Signs of self-pity must be initially eradicated so as not to become another victim of circumstances.

Conservative ways to eliminate self-pity

Every person loves his own person for the simple reason that it is the only one he has. If you correctly approach the solution to the described problem, then you need to act according to the following plan:

• Self-hypnosis. In this case, auto-training from the movie “The Most Charming and Attractive,” which at one time attracted the attention of many viewers, will help. It is necessary to set yourself up for maximum positivity so that self-pity is transformed into compassion for others. The idea that everything that is done is for the better works well. Gloomy thoughts about evil fate and God, who punishes sinful acts, should be removed.
• Color therapy and sessions using aromatic oils. Few people attach importance to the fact that these techniques can lift a person out of depression. Anything that is pleasing to the eye can be useful in the fight against emerging self-pity. The attitude is triggered: I feel sorry for myself - it looks beautiful and smells nice - yes, I’m an esthete - everything is not so bad.
• Social media. The World Wide Web knows many ways to get rid of self-pity. You can create yourself a fake superhero or femme fatale. There is no point in being ashamed here, because no one will determine the whereabouts of the legendary personality on the Internet. This psychotherapy can return even the most desperate person to life.
• . The feeling of shame is very often fruitfully based precisely on this factor. Sometimes it is very important for us to know the outcome if we had worn not this outfit, but that robe with mother-of-pearl buttons. After all, at the same time, Marya Ivanovna sternly knitted her eyebrows, and the grandmothers at the next entrance shook their heads reproachfully. There is no point in feeling sorry for yourself, because everyone has their own skeletons in their closet that others would do well to deal with.

Radical ways to deal with self-pity

Let's take a closer look at how to get rid of the constant state of pity towards oneself using more radical methods:

1. Method of “erasing personal history”. It should be noted right away that such a process can quite aggressively affect the human psyche. This method was created by the famous mystical writer Carlos Castaneda, who was always interested in everything unusual and shocking. In this case, getting rid of pity follows the following chain: destruction of the Ego (a sense of one’s own exclusivity) - taking on the obligation to be responsible for everything that happens - understanding the idea of ​​death as such. At first glance, this technique seems crazy to a sane person. However, if you realize the frailty of existence and the logical ending of life, then many values ​​will be radically revised. Feeling sorry for yourself will become illogical if you follow Castaneda's advice.
2. Negative example method. The days of targeting whiners from Spider-Man or Batman are over. They are too good for those who have joined the ranks of those offended by fate. Self-pity will not tolerate such saviors of humanity under any guise. Therefore, you need to start from what is obviously unpleasant and unacceptable. “It’s easy to be good, but try not to be bad” is the motto of whiners seeking correction.
3. Self-torture by sports. The one who has not picked up a weight at least once in his life is bad. The joke is only good if the sports equipment being described does not fall into the hands of the whiner. He will categorically refuse to think about what to do with this tool, even to get rid of the existing problem. In this case, you need to take a membership to the gym so that specialists can begin to fight self-pity by eliminating the tummy, cellulite and other things so beloved by the average person.
4. Extravagant act. A person who has lost himself, in principle, needs little. He is already in a state where life without self-pity is impossible. In this case, a bold and decisive attack against fate will help. Walking naked with the flag of a related or friendly country is not an option for an adequate person. The solution to this situation will be a bold project for creative personalities or a creative proposal to superiors for dogmatists.

How to get rid of self-pity - watch the video:

Self-pity is the first step into that abyss called depression. It is necessary to clearly identify all methods of how to overcome self-pity. At first glance, not worth attention emotion can over time destroy the life of even the most successful person.

Does a person need pity? What is she?

Pity is one of our feelings, on the scale of emotions standing just below love.

Who has a feeling of pity?

This feeling is inherent mainly in good people. Not every person has pity, and not everyone needs it, not everyone perceives it. But this feeling gives a lot to both the person who regrets and the person who is pitied.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Is anyone able to help another without pity if the person is feeling bad and needs help?

No. Although there is still help out of selfish interests, it then requires work, reward, and it gives a negative quality to the soul. And help coming from a pure heart helps the soul to generate positive energies.
I focus on the qualities that a person needs so that he does not turn into a vile and merciless animal. Therefore, such a quality as pity must be developed in a person. She will help one in difficult times, save a second from death, prevent a third from falling low, and simply comfort and reassure a fourth in an hour of despair. Pity develops in a person a feeling of love for animals, children, and humanity.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Can pity be offensive or excessive?

It is sometimes argued that this feeling is offensive, humiliating and inappropriately petty. In everything, of course, there should be a sense of proportion. But there is no such thing as excessive pity, just like excessive love.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Can pity or love harm someone?

There is just pity and there is just love . If these qualities bring harm to someone, then, probably, the issue here is something else.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

What is an example of pity that causes harm?

For example, a mother, feeling sorry for her child, does not force him to work around the house, and he grows up lazy. In this case, the measure of feeling is violated. After all, somewhere you really need to feel sorry for the child so that he doesn’t physically break down, and somewhere you really have to force him to work. As they say, “everything is good in moderation.” So in any feeling: in love, and in joy, and in courage, and hard work - there is its own measure.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

How high is the energy pity?

Pity is an energy that, on the scale of emotional values, is one step lower than love. Love grows out of pity, i.e. more low energies They develop through life situations and, having increased their frequency, transform into a new quality - love.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Can love arise without pity? Are there different types love?

Of course, development always goes in both directions, both up and down. Therefore, these energies, depending on how a person goes through a situation, can lower their frequency. And in this case the person will degrade. It may be objected that love arises even without pity. If we talk about the feeling between a man and a woman, then this is so. But there are different types of love. They are numerous: love for nature, animals, art, the sky, etc.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Does love require the development of a feeling of pity and why?

Separately, it is necessary to highlight the love for all living things: plants, animals, people. This type of love requires the emergence of a new feeling in your relationship. A person must learn to have pity on all living things on earth, so as not to destroy them completely. That is, the feeling of pity is given to man for the purpose of his humane attitude towards nature and what lives in it, with the aim of preserving it, and not destroying it.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Why was man given the feeling of pity?

The calculating human mind is not always enough to preserve someone’s life or nature, therefore, for safety purposes, to preserve the living, the Creators of the human soul introduced it into it inner essence such a feeling as pity.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Could it be that pity does no good?

There are cases when pity does not benefit either the one being pitied or the one who is pitied.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

Which people are immune to pity and why?

There are people who are immune to pity, i.e. to energy of this type. These can be quite low personalities, and quite high intellectually (we are not talking about the spiritual).

If you take a low personality, then it is indifferent to her whether they feel sorry for her or not. If such a person gets into trouble, only the result is important to her - to get out of it, and the method does not matter. You will take pity on him, help him get out of trouble, he will thank you, but inside he will not appreciate you and will continue to do what he did.

A highly developed personality may be too proud, and the energies of pride are impervious to the energies of pity. Therefore, if you feel sorry for such a person, then your pride will reject your pity, and instead of gratitude you will receive neglect and rejection, and maybe even a direct statement that he doesn’t need your pity.

In many cases, pity is inappropriate. It is pointless to feel sorry for a hardened criminal, a bigot, a greedy person and many others who work through gross dark energies in life. It happens, of course, that a person can also regret evil, i.e. without understanding the character of the other, he will take pity and save him, and the saved one will then bring a lot of evil to others.

An individual belonging to a negative System is immune to pity, because this is not his spectrum of energies on which he develops.

There can be many options here.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

What is an example of when pity contributes to personality degradation?

Let us remind you of one more thing, when pity contributes to the degradation of the personality that manifests it.

It happens that a married couple selects individuals who are sharply opposed to each other in spiritual aspirations and level of development. As a result, after a few years, one becomes an alcoholic, and the other, trying to save his family, takes care of him in every possible way, tries to preserve in him that humanity that was in his youth. And the whole life of a sane spouse is spent serving the degrading family member. Such a spouse, and most often this is a woman, burdens the entire family, forgetting about the development of their own spirituality. And as a result, she also lags behind in development, her own intellectual degradation occurs. However, while losing a whole life, a person still acquires one wonderful quality - the ability to subordinate his personal interests to general ones, i.e. the ability to serve others, and this is also important for her, because some individuals spend ten or more lives to acquire it. So sometimes, losing in something, a person wins in the main thing.
Seklitova L.A., Strelnikova L.L. "Man of the Age of Aquarius."

From all that has been said, we can conclude that such a quality as pity, which is very necessary on our harsh Earth, is given for development by the soul to a certain layer of people who are at the average Level of development. The lower Level does not possess this quality, but the higher Level processes it into another higher quality - love. They no longer feel sorry for others, they love them - and this explains all their further behavior.

The interaction of people and the versatility of emotions towards each other determines the brightness and richness of each person’s life. You can love, hate, sympathize. But why can’t you feel sorry for people? After all, it is not easy for some to distinguish sympathy from pity.

And there are those who simply cannot stand it when people show pity for them. This means that the person is weak and unable to cope with problems. And for others it is a way to control others. It's useful to know why you shouldn't feel sorry for people.

Why you can't feel sorry for people

When a person has shared his problems with his interlocutor, then in this dialogue it is worth clearly understanding the role of each opponent. Hearing that your friend or loved one is sick, there are financial difficulties, problems at work and in the family, and many other reasons that can cause pity.

And the second participant in the conversation begins to feel sorry for the “suffering” person. Thus, he is drawn into this negativity and becomes a direct participant in it. And he simply lives someone else’s life, where there are continuous problems and negative energy.

There is no need to be drawn into the problems of others with pity. It will only make things worse difficult situation. Pity humiliates a person. In difficult times, you need advice that will really help. And empty words, which often do not carry sincerity, will only make things worse.

However, there are also individuals for whom pity is a way of existence. When the understanding comes that the interlocutor is easily suggestible and emotionally dependent, then you can put pressure on him with pity and get what you want. And here the interlocutor of the compassionate one will simply be left a fool.

It is not difficult. But you need to cultivate the right reaction in yourself, in your children. Teach people to perceive people with disabilities as ordinary people It’s not easy and it starts in childhood. Not a pitying look, but a confident smile will be an incentive for them, another ray of light.

Sometimes even compassionate tears appear in a person when he sees or hears the problems of another. But is this required? From childhood you need to be able to communicate with different people. We must learn to find compassion for others, be able to be complicit and never feel sorry for someone who definitely does not need it.

Society is structured in such a way that only success and constant victories attract others. But when a dark streak comes, pity suddenly appears.

It only enhances the negative effect and brings humiliation and destruction to a person. And for those who use pity as a control tool, the result will not be true, reflecting reality, but will only be based on the base emotions of their neighbor. So we figured out why you can’t feel sorry for people.

Have you ever encountered a situation where you felt sorry for someone close to you? Maybe you are reading this article right now because you are experiencing a pity to your partner or spouse? And you don’t know what to do, break up or, having gathered all your strength, continue the relationship, because it’s a shame to leave?..

In my practice, I often encounter such requests when, out of a feeling of pity, the client cannot make a decision that has been asking for a long time, when it is impossible to say “no” to someone close, and he himself no longer has the strength to carry a “dead horse” on himself. Such real stories a pity poisons life and slows down very much important processes in a relationship.

Like any other feeling, pity has different shades and meanings. Why do we feel pity? What feelings can live under the guise of pity? How can pity help and harm the one who feels it? How is pity useful and harmful for those to whom it is directed?

Article navigation: “Pity: benefit or harm for relationships? How to feel sorry"

What is pity?

The very definition of “pity” contains words such as compassion, condolences, sympathy. Another interpretation of pity is sadness, sadness towards something/someone.

More closely, CO-suffering is joint suffering or “one illness for two,” a joint feeling.

That is, by showing pity, we seem to join the person for some time and “get sick” together with him, together we experience a difficult state for him. This allows us to diagnose the condition of our loved one, to vividly imagine what it’s like for him. And a person gets the feeling that he is not alone, and it becomes easier.

Pity for another. When is pity useful?

We will not talk about the pity of a parent for a child, the pity of a person for a sick animal, and so on. There is a slightly different pity, more understandable, not so contradictory.

Pity is more ambiguous in relationships that still presuppose equal, partner positions. For example, in a couple, in friendships, in relationships between adults. Eric Berne described them as the position of an Adult in relation to an Adult.

Pity is useful in the case when therapeutic support is provided, when we are “sick” with someone, as if we are getting used to the situation of another, and thus the person is not alone in difficult times, it is easier for him to survive difficult times.

Also, out of pity, we can help a loved one financially, by providing some kind of service, or by giving valuable information. And this help will really benefit him.

By being compassionate and helping a loved one, we look more generous in our own eyes. As a result, self-esteem increases. Sometimes it seems to us that we are more attractive to others at such moments.

The miraculous property of pity for the one who experiences it is a kind of therapy (healing) of oneself. By feeling pity and acting for the benefit of others, we become better and more holistic. But this happens if you regret it correctly. More on this at the end of the article.

Anyone who feels pity invariably receives hidden effects from it, sometimes even implicit benefits (or secondary benefits).

What else happens when we feel pity?

It is as if we artificially rise to a step above the person to whom this feeling is directed. This sometimes happens unconsciously. But we still feel it. In a more intensified form, this flows into pride and arrogance, which, of course, is felt by the other.

A striking example is when the pity of those giving to the “beggars” in the transition further enhances the contrast of their “high” position in comparison with his “low”, unfortunate one. “I would never have come to this!”

And it doesn’t matter that this “beggar” can thus “earn” more in a day than an ordinary office worker in a week.

Pity preserves relationships, although they are codependent.

Case study: a girl who has already lost her boyfriend's love interest cannot leave him, and at the same time, cannot build a healthy union with him. She believes that he loves her very much, and her pity for him does not allow her to end the sluggish relationship. He often bends under it, neglects himself, his interests, and behaves sacrificially. And if a victim appears in a relationship, a kind of “whipping boy,” then an aggressor invariably appears, usually in the form of a partner.

Even though at first we may feel pity for a person and continue a relationship with him, sooner or later pity is replaced by aggression. The nature of this aggression is as follows: in fact, we are angry with ourselves because we cannot afford to break off a relationship, for example, because we believe that we will hurt the person. In our understanding, he will not endure this pain, and from childhood we were taught that hurting others is bad, because after that, what kind of noble person are you?

And then we pour out this anger in the form of nagging, irritation and other things onto a safe “receiver”, a weaker partner who will swallow it. In addition, this is “he is the reason for remorse” and the fact that “I am wasting my life on him.” After this, we may feel even worse from a new wave of guilt that he is so good, and I torture him and “everything is always wrong with me.” And hello! The unhealthy relationship continues...

Pity is a surrogate for love

I don’t want to say at all that feeling pity for a loved one is bad. IN Orthodox religion pity and compassion are given a very important place. In our Russian culture, there has historically been an understanding that feeling sorry for a person is the same as loving him. Many people “identify” love this way: I regret, that means I love, and vice versa, I love, that means I regret.

But, in fact, where there is pity, there is no place for love, which is characteristic of romantic, equal, adult relationships.

We all regret in very different ways. Based on my observations, I can distinguish three different positions of pity:

• Pity-superiority. When we rise above a person, we do something for him from a position on top, “from the master’s shoulder,” or with the thought, “he’s poor, he’s humiliated like that.” We look like a strict Parent at a helpless Child.

• Pity-sympathy. When we are on an equal footing with the one we feel sorry for (true sympathy). In such moments, we feel what the other is feeling. And we feel sorry for the other person, and not for the imaginary self.

The first two options are compensatory, not allowing free choice in relation to oneself and another person. The third type of pity is productive; it involves a free choice of how to treat a person, how to help him and whether to help him at all. And thus, we bring great benefit to both ourselves and others.

• The risk of ruining your relationship with your partner irrevocably. By feeling sorry from the position of an edifying Parent, you can increase the distance and provoke retaliatory aggression. Because when we feel sorry, on a subconscious level we perceive a person as “pathetic,” weak, and inferior. A person feels this subconsciously and can react with aggression or distance.

• The partner you feel sorry for may, at a certain moment, feel that an unbearable burden of moral duty to you hangs on him. And the more you give him, help him, feel sorry for him, the more unbearable this “debt” becomes. Sometimes, so much so that a person will prefer to simply run away from you, since he is unable to restore the balance in this relationship.

• The illusion of one’s own success and superiority in contrast. The consciousness that everything is fine with you, and you don’t need to do anything beyond what you have. It is fraught with stagnation.

• Denial of the natural course of things: the mistakes of others, the need to bear responsibility for the current situation yourself. Sometimes we think he was just unlucky. But there is a phrase: “Bad luck is a series of wrong choices.”

• The opportunity to deprive a person of his sad but necessary experience, the trials he needs in life in order to cope with more complex tasks.

• The risk of being hooked by manipulation. As soon as you notice that you are feeling sorry, be on guard. This may be your weak point, a sore point that - consciously or not - can be exploited by your loved ones. If you don't manage your pity, someone else will. (Read also the article “ Relationship manipulation and emotions»)

• It is easy to hide your fear of change behind a mask of pity for another in a relationship. And behind this fear is a deeper fear: to be no longer needed, not valuable, useless. So we continue to bear the burden of oppressive relationships, depriving ourselves, as well as the one we pity, of the opportunity to build truly happy relationships.

• To co-feel, to co-experience, to be on an equal basis with a person for a certain period of time. Try to feel his state, to understand what is happening. But come back in time, because when you share an illness, someone must be “healthier” so that both are not “sucked into the swamp.”
• Have pity, understand, but with your pity and help do not make a person “disabled”. Give a hungry person a fish or teach him how to catch one himself? The difference is obvious.
• To encourage, to believe that a person is not “pathetic”, but full-fledged, and his potential is much greater than we imagine now. And infect him with this faith.
• Be able to say both “yes” and “no” - like an Adult with his own choice and responsibility.
• Or just step aside. Because our “no” or refusal of pity in general can become loved one a powerful delayed-acting drug.

At the slightest hint of pity for your partner, I recommend the following:

• capture this moment inside yourself;
• Analyze what exactly made you feel sorry?
• What other feelings do you have about yourself and others in connection with this?
• What do you want to do about this?
• mentally remove pity from your arsenal of feelings. How would you feel towards this person if pity did not exist?

Perhaps, after you “pull aside” pity for another, at least for a while, like a dusty curtain, this feeling will be replaced by something real, the way you really want to treat the person. Maybe it will be anger. Maybe indifference. Maybe sincere sympathy. Or maybe love. And after that you will know more clearly what to do with it next.

But if you feel that pity is uncontrollable and it’s hard for you, or you understand that pity is not what you want to feel for your loved one, you can contact me for a consultation to learn how to manage this difficult feeling.