Research by ethologists has shown that the characteristics of male and female behavior in humans are not unique: many animals exhibit the same differences.
Male monkeys have better spatial abilities and are more aggressive; females are prone to cooperation and caring for their neighbors. A reasonable question arises: why do they need this? The answer is quite obvious: because they have different reproductive strategies.
The male strives to fertilize as many females as possible, which means he must move around a lot and be able to defeat other males. The female bears the main share of caring for the offspring, which means she must be caring, capable of empathy and inclined to teach.
In humans and other primates, males compete to demonstrate the advantages of their genes, and females choose them. M initiates sexual behavior, and F controls it, choosing which genes to propagate and which to reject. They choose meticulously - status, wealth, intelligence. Perhaps F has no intention of reproducing at all, but the ancient layers of the brain responsible for sexual behavior know nothing about the invention of contraceptives.
Boys develop an interest in sex earlier and become much more important to them than to girls. M dreams of sex, while F dreams of love. They need relationships and feelings, and sex only makes sense in their context.
Both women and men (most of them) love themselves in each other: she - because he loves her, he - because she gives him pleasure in sex. Before spending the night with a man, a woman wants to understand whether she loves him. And a man can understand whether he loves a woman after spending the night with her. And all this because for a woman the goal is love, and sex is a means. For a man it’s the other way around: the goal is sex, and love is the means. A woman wants a lot, but from one man. A man wants one thing, but from many women.
It is easier for a woman to fall in love than to confess her love. And it’s easier for a man to confess than to fall in love.
“Men usually love those women they respect; women respect the men they love” (V. O. Klyuchevsky).
Men and women understand love differently and value different things in love. Do I love you or not? Do I love it or just like it? How much do I love?" To such questions, women more often look for the answer in the heart and feelings: the heart trembles, I lose my will next to it - my beloved. Men (if they are not only boys, but men) more often answer these questions with decisions and deeds. Chose, decided , made an offer, gave my word - I keep my word and am proud that I love it. See →
Men and women have slightly different needs for love. For men in love and close relationships, it is important to have faith in his strength and abilities, the absence of reproaches towards him (accepting him as he is), gratitude for his care, admiration for his achievements, approval of his decisions and encouragement of his efforts. Other things are important to women, namely care, understanding, respect, devotion, recognition, and reinforcement of confidence.
Also, male and female jealousy are phenomena of different natures. If a woman is confident in her partner’s love, the fact of physical betrayal may be indifferent to her. However, it is almost impossible to convince a woman that physical intimacy was without feelings. Cm.
True, no one except you laughs at them, because they don’t understand what the point is. These jokes appeared somewhere between the kitchen and the bedroom, when someone got tangled in one sock, and someone remembered a childhood joke. It’s useless to explain to others, because all the experiences are too personal, and the associations are random, but it’s still funny for the two of you.
2. You have a secret language
No, no, this is not about how you call each other dawn and yacht, although that is possible. When you talk about something of your own, other people cannot understand you: the words seem familiar, but the sentences do not add up. Of course, everything is clear to you.
3. You understand each other, even if it is impossible to understand
I urgently need this one, where is it?
Well, wherever.
Oh, exactly, there you go!
Typically, an attack of tongue-tiedness occurs when the head is occupied with extremely important thoughts and there is no time to remember the name of some thing. But you two don’t need this, everything is clear without words.
4. YouTube invites you to watch some strange videos
Where is “My Empty Bottles” on the list? What other porridge made from spruce seeds? Who again read Lifehacker from your computer and looked through all these?
Because I wonder what your half was thinking about when they opened the link.
6. You are listening to this story for the hundredth time.
The story of how the younger brother spent the change from his last ruble on candy and distributed them to the whole yard obviously had a strong influence on his partner if he constantly remembers it. And you listen for the hundredth time as if it were the first.
7. You know more about your childhood friends than they realize.
When you are introduced to Zhenya (well, remember what I told you about?), you immediately understand what to expect from this acquaintance (oh, so it was you, Zhenya, who were full of tar then?).
8. You no longer notice that you are replacing “I” with “we”
“Our cat”, “We woke up”, “We didn’t count on this”... In general, no worse than parents of small children. But who said that this is bad?
9. You can tell everything. Really everything
And talk freely about things that are not customary to mention “in polite society,” because the person you are with understands and accepts you completely and completely.
10. You often talk about your loved one
But not because you are crazy with love, but because most of the stories about your life are stories of joint adventures. You spend a lot of time around, so it's not surprising.
11. You know each other’s everyday habits and tastes
Therefore, don’t buy vanilla shower gel (it should be raspberry) or a car fragrance with the smell of pine (because you need coffee and nothing else), don’t offer pasta for dinner (because in the evenings there’s only vegetables) and you’ll listen to rap music in your headphones.
12. You know a lot about things that don't interest you.
For example, list a dozen Jedi, although you don’t like “ Star Wars“, you’ll tell me which soldering iron you should choose and why, even though you’ve never held one in your hands, or you’ll quote a poem, even though you don’t like poetry. and you and your loved one have different interests, but you are always ready to listen with curiosity to what they tell you.
13. You bought a second blanket
The passion has not faded away, and the love has not gone away, but suddenly it turned out that you can sleep together and not share a blanket, enjoying your vacation the way you like best.
14. You know your loved one's schedule.
Therefore, when you are invited to a party on Thursday, you refuse: your other half has an important presentation on Friday, so you need to sleep on Thursday.
15. You already visit separately
Because you have become acquainted with all your spouse’s friends and you understand in what company it will be boring. But why not lock your loved one at home?
16. You have terrible incriminating evidence
Yes, you’ve seen those baby photos with bare butts and you know who, at the age of six months, ate from a cat’s bowl. you grandma it's all over told.
Almost at the beginning of any relationship between a man and a woman there is what we call intimacy. The conditions for its occurrence are as follows:
1. No fear of being yourself
Intimacy is when you are not afraid to be yourself and when you don’t need to pretend to be anything. When you are accepted with all your flaws. Small children have this condition; they are very sincere in their manifestations. It is also used by newly lovers, when a couple looks at each other through rose-colored glasses. There is intimacy and sincerity in their relationship. At this stage, partners do not notice each other's shortcomings. Or if they notice, they do not evaluate them critically; they seem like a trifle, a “highlight” of the partner.Those. if you are not afraid to be yourself around someone, then this is a serious sign that your relationship can become close.
Over time, something happens, probably the hormones of love stop working. And the partners begin to notice each other’s serious shortcomings, or maybe they are just getting to know each other better. What used to be a “highlight” begins to irritate. And a negative assessment of the person appears. And when a person is negatively evaluated, he begins to close himself off or devalue the one who evaluates them negatively (“He doesn’t understand what he’s saying” or “His opinion doesn’t matter to me”) And at this moment intimacy begins to disappear.
2. The desire to take care of the person next to you
If there is such a desire, then there is a high probability that spiritual intimacy will happen.At the beginning of a relationship, you want to take care of a person, you want to anticipate his desires, do something for him, without waiting for him to ask. But over time this desire disappears. People can live in the same apartment, sleep in the same bed and kiss each other on the cheek when saying goodbye, but they don’t want to take care of each other. And there is no sincerity. This may occur due to negative evaluation. Maybe the person disappointed you: he seemed to be one thing, but turned out to be completely different. Maybe he criticizes you all the time, pointing out your shortcomings. But in any case, people move away from each other, they don’t want to have anything to do with each other.
3. Tenderness is another marker of intimacy
If there is criticism, disrespect, or negative evaluation between people, then they usually do not want to treat each other tenderly. When tenderness goes away, intimacy goes away. Here we are talking about tenderness not during sex, but in everyday life: when you want to take your hand, stroke your head, hug, etc.4. Accepting a person as he is. Without judgment and desire to change it
Let me again turn to the beginning of the relationship, when the partners are wearing rose-colored glasses, when they love each other and believe that they are lucky to have a partner. Then it doesn’t occur to them that their partner needs to be changed; the shortcomings seem uncritical. But over time, everything changes: shortcomings begin to irritate, we give a negative assessment of his behavior. And thus, we push him away from ourselves. People won't want to come close to us. If we do not accept a person for who he is, if we want to change him, then there will be no intimacy, no matter how much we want it. Intimacy is a mutual thing - it is impossible to be in a close relationship with someone who does not want it.5. Presence effect
It happens that people are in the same room, but do not communicate, everyone thinks about their own things. For example: a family is walking in the park. The husband is on his own, the wife is on her own. And somewhere their child is running around. They went to the park only because it is customary to take a walk with the child on a day off. But they themselves don’t want this at all. This can happen if people are not comfortable being around each other, but they are forced to do so. And then there is no closeness between them, even though they are geographically nearby.To be present in a relationship, to be included in a relationship, you need to be aware of yourself.
Those. understand what you want, what you don’t want and have the right and courage to talk about it. If you do not understand what is important to you, if you are not aware of what you really want, if you cannot tell the person next to you about your desires and unwillingnesses, then there is no intimacy between you. A close relationship is a relationship in which you are not afraid to offend your partner if you understand that you will be accepted with any feelings, desires and shortcomings.
6. Vulnerability is a sign of intimacy
I wrote about this in more detail in the article “Vulnerability is the price for intimacy.” If you are vulnerable in a relationship, then your relationship is intimate. After all, you can hurt someone who is nearby and open to you. It is important to trust the person with whom you are intimate. You must understand that if close person hurts you, it's not on purpose. It is important to take it as a principle in relationships that if a person offends me on purpose, intentionally, then I don’t want to have anything to do with him. If I am sure that this person treats me tenderly, carefully and with respect, but at the same time he hurt me, then this is not on purpose. And then you shouldn’t be offended by him. In close relationships, we will sometimes get hurt, we need to be prepared for this, because it is inevitable. The opposite pole of vulnerability is isolation. If vulnerability is unbearable for you and you choose isolation, then you will be alone in a relationship, and there will be no spiritual intimacy!What is missing in your relationship for it to be close? At what point and for what reasons did the intimacy disappear? And what do you need to bring into your relationship to make it close?
Close person and close relationship
A married couple came. A wife complains about her husband that he is not at home much and does not help, but she would like to see a loved one nearby. For the husband, in turn, this desire causes fear, since he is afraid that this state of affairs may develop into dependence, and he himself establishes a distance. I had a question for my wife: “What do you need more: a close person or... a close relationship?” She thought about it.
Further joint research showed that these are completely different goals. Close relationships always mean self-disclosure and, accordingly, risk (joint creativity, tension, ups and downs, lack of guarantees), something that many dream about, but are afraid to realize. A close person is something calm, static, definite and guaranteed. What I already have. The only thing is that now it must be protected.
It turns out that the idea of a “close person”, a “good spouse”, a “true friend” is erroneous and a source of problems. In fact, the concept of “role” in psychology is used not as a designation of a certain object, but as a type of activity. It turns out that a husband is a person with whom his wife has a marital relationship. Accordingly, the wife does not live with a “close person,” but with a person with whom she has a “close relationship.”
Such a nuance of speech shows the direction of improving the quality of life: it is not the person who needs to be corrected, but the relationship with this person. If I look for and find a “close person,” then I end up in a relationship of dependence, since there is a fear of losing him (“How will I live without a loved one?”) The other person is also having a hard time: how can he leave if he is in the status of a “close person?” "? To leave another is to become a scoundrel. As a last resort, in order to remain noble, you need to find someone else to take your place. From an everyday point of view, it turns out to be complete nonsense.
But if I learn to build close relationships, then I can create them with different people. In this case, parting with a specific “close person” will not be perceived as a tragedy.
So, what do you want: to have a close person or to have a close relationship with this person?
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