An old proverb says that joy shared is double joy, and sorrow shared is half sorrow. Psychologist at the Orthodox Center for Crisis Psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ at the former Semyonovsky cemetery Svetlana Furaeva tells how to help a grieving person share his grief.

Faced with the grief of others, many want not just to express condolences, but to do something to help the grieving person, and very often they are faced with a refusal to help. Why is this happening?

The fact is that a person who wants to help is not always able to determine “on the spot” what exactly the grieving person needs right now. Therefore, the chosen behavioral strategies often turn out to be ineffective. Instead of realizing that I could be useful, there is resentment that “I am with all my heart... and he (she) is ungrateful...”

And what to do in such a situation?

First of all, show sensitivity. Help is accepted only when it matches the needs of the person in need. Therefore, it is necessary to assess the state of the grieving person, try to understand what he needs most now - peace, conversation, practical help with the housework, just sit next to him and be silent or help give vent to his tears. To better understand what happens to the griever, let’s look at what the grieving process looks like over time.

First stage - shock and denial of loss. Even if the deceased had been ill for a long time, and the doctors’ prognosis was disappointing, the message of death is unexpected for most people. In a state of shock, a person seems to be stunned by the news, acts “automatically”, and has lost full contact with himself and with the world around him. People who have experienced this state describe it as “it was like in a dream,” “it was like it wasn’t with me,” “I didn’t feel anything,” “I didn’t believe what happened, it’s not true.” This reaction is caused by the deepest shock from the news, and the psyche turns on a kind of braking mechanism, protecting the person from severe mental pain.

Second phase - anger and resentment. The grieving person “replays” the situation in his head over and over again, and the more he thinks about his misfortune, the more questions he has. The loss is accepted and realized, but the person cannot come to terms with it. A search is underway for the reasons for what happened and alternative courses of action. Resentment and anger can be directed at oneself, fate, God, doctors, relatives, friends. The decision “who is to blame” is not rational, but rather emotional, which can lead to mutual resentment in the family.

Next stage - guilt and obsessive thoughts. The grieving person begins to think that if he had treated the deceased differently, acted, thought, spoken, then the death could have been prevented. The situation is played out repeatedly in various versions. These are very destructive feelings that certainly need to be overcome.

Fourth stage – suffering and depression. Mental suffering accompanies all previous stages of grief, but at this stage it reaches its peak, overshadowing all other feelings. Grief, like waves, will rush in and then recede a little. And during this period a person experiences maximum heartache, this is the “ninth wave” of grief. People experience this period in very different ways. Some people become very sensitive and cry a lot, while others, on the contrary, try not to show emotions and withdraw into themselves. Signs of depression appear - apathy, depression, a feeling of hopelessness, the person feels helpless, the meaning of life without the deceased is lost. At this stage, chronic diseases may worsen as the person stops taking care of his needs. There are disturbances in sleep and wakefulness, lack of appetite, or excessive food consumption. At this stage, some grievers begin to abuse alcohol or drugs.

Fortunately, this period comes to an end, and the next one begins - adoption and reorganization. There is an emotional acceptance of the loss, the person begins to improve his life in the present. At this stage, life (no longer without the deceased) regains its value. Plans for the future are rearranged, the deceased ceases to appear in them, and new goals appear. This does not mean at all that the deceased is forgotten. On the contrary, memories of him do not leave the grieving person, their emotional coloring simply changes. The deceased still has a place in the heart, but memories of him do not lead to suffering, but are accompanied by sadness or sadness. Often a person finds support in the memories of the deceased.

How long do these periods last? And is it possible to help a grieving person overcome them faster?

The duration of grief is very individual. The grieving process is not linear; a person can return to some stage and relive it again. But there is no need to rush the grieving person. We don’t force a newborn to walk or a first-grader to solve quantum physics problems. In the experience of grief, what is more important is not its duration, but the progress that occurs in the grieving person. I specifically took the time to look at the stages of grief to show that all feelings and reactions to the loss experienced by the grieving person are normal. Accepting these feelings, understanding them and supporting the grieving person at every stage is the very help that will help overcome grief. It is very important to turn to specialists if a person is “stuck” at some stage and there is no positive dynamics.

What should you not do to avoid being refused help?

One of the most common mistakes that loved ones make is a lack of empathy. This can manifest itself in a variety of reactions - from reluctance to talk about the deceased to advice to “strengthen and hold on.” This is, as a rule, not due to the spiritual callousness of loved ones, but to the manifestation of psychological defense. After all, other people’s emotions are reflected in a person’s condition, besides, loved ones also grieve for the deceased, they are also vulnerable at this moment.

Phrases like “he’s better there”, “well, he’s worn out”, if the person has been seriously ill for a long time and “now it’ll be easier for you too, you don’t need to look after”, have a negative impact on those grieving.

Another common mistake is to devalue the bitterness of loss by comparing it with the losses of other people. “My grandmother was 80 and lived happily, but my neighbor’s daughter died at 25...”, etc. Grief is individual, and there is no way to determine the value of a loss by comparison.

When emotions are strongly expressed, there is no need to talk to the grieving person about how others feel about this. This also applies to individual characteristics living with grief.

You should not talk to a grieving person about the future, because he is grieving here and now. Moreover, you should not paint a bright future when a person is experiencing powerful emotions. “You’re still young, you’ll get married,” “you’ll have another child, you’ll have everything ahead of you.” Such “consolations” can provoke an outburst of anger and seriously damage relationships.

So what should you do to support a person in grief?

Firstly, you need set yourself up. We talked about the need to show sensitivity to the grieving person. It is very important. Help is always objective, that is, aimed at someone. The discrepancy between the needs of the grieving person and the helping person’s understanding of what is right and what is wrong, as a rule, complicates the situation. Therefore, you need to be intuitive, have a good feel for what can be useful. Then a psychological adjustment occurs, empathy begins. Naturally, intuitive feeling should not interfere with sober thinking and logic, which are especially important in crisis situations.

Secondly, help should be offered. Perhaps the person in this moment does not want to accept help from anyone, or wants to be supported by another person. Perhaps he is simply experiencing shock and is not able to assess the situation right now. That's why the offer of assistance must be specific. Instead of “How can I help you?”, you should ask: “Do you need groceries?”, “Do you want me to babysit?”, “Maybe I can stay with you at night?”. I will also note that in Russia until the 90s, the principles of raising girls were based on the formation of the style of behavior “stop a galloping horse, enter a burning hut.” And now these women are not able to accept help, not because they do not need it, but because they simply do not understand and do not know how to do it, and the very word “help” directed at them can be a psychological taboo. Simply saying “let me help” will cause misunderstanding. But the specific action that the helper is ready to do can bypass this stereotype of power.

Besides, the offer of help must be real. Offer something you can actually do. It often happens that a grieving person gives up everything just to “get everything back,” and this is the only thing that cannot be done. You should not follow the lead of the grieving person by turning to the occult and spiritualism. This will only bring harm, dragging the soul of a grieving person into the pool, prolonging the period of grief, entertaining illusory, unrealistic hopes.

Preferably don't leave someone grieving alone, be with him. If this is not possible, you should try to organize a “remote presence” using modern communication tools. It's better if it's a live conversation. In conversation you should try to avoid general issues“How are you?”, “How are you?”, replacing them with specific “were you able to sleep today?”, “What did you eat?”, “Did you cry today?” and so on. This will help identify the problems that the grieving person is currently facing and help cope with them.

It is very important to force yourself listen to the grieving. Not only what you want to hear, but everything that a person experiencing grief will say. And you need to say a lot to those who are grieving. By speaking out their thoughts and feelings, they live through their grief, gradually freeing themselves from suffering. Sometimes you don't have to answer, especially if you don't know what to say. The main thing is to be sincere. Do not create taboo topics, give the opportunity to say everything that is on your heart.

Being sincere about a grieving person helps accept him and his grief. Unconditionally, as a person is now - weak, vulnerable, unhappy, ugly from experiences. Completely. There is no need to force him to be strong, to hold back his tears, or to try to cheer him up. A person must know and feel that he is dear to his loved ones and in such a state that he is allowed to grieve and be weak.

Need to be patient. Some emotional outbursts of the grieving person may be directed at the people around him, and there may be a manifestation of anger and irritation towards the living. This behavior is a manifestation of powerlessness to change the situation. We need to be understanding about this. And, as we have already said, grief has no temporary s x boundaries. You cannot “hurry up” the grieving, or limit their mourning to a certain period. It is more important to understand whether there is progress or not.

For those who are grieving, it is important when they memories of the deceased are supported and encouraged. This takes time and patience, because the memories will be replayed many times, and all about the same thing, causing new attacks of tears and grief. But memories are necessary, they help to accept the situation. Repeatedly reproduced memories become less and less painful, and a person begins to draw strength from them to live today.

Necessary help grieving adapt to a new social and living situation. Not to perform for him the functions that the deceased previously performed, but to help him learn to act independently. Otherwise, when for some reason you cannot help do something, the grieving person will again feel unhappy, abandoned, abandoned, perhaps new round grief.

It is advisable to try in advance prepare for significant dates for the grieving person. Holidays, anniversaries - all this causes new emotions of grief, because now they pass differently, without the deceased. Perhaps just thoughts about the upcoming date will plunge a grieving person into despair. It is better if someone is with the grieving person these days.

And, of course, you need keep an eye on own health , both physically and emotionally. After all, otherwise a person will not be able to fully help another. In illness or during periods of overwork, we become more susceptible, irritable, and can accidentally injure an already unhappy person. If there is an understanding that there are now not enough resources to support another, there is no need to avoid him, it is better to openly, but delicately, explain that now there is no way to carry on a conversation or come. To prevent the grieving person from feeling abandoned and offended, you need to promise him a meeting or a phone call when you have strength and health. And be sure to keep this promise.

Great support is provided to both those helping and those grieving articles about grief posted on our website Memoriam.Ru. Unfortunately, the emotions experienced by people during periods of acute grief do not allow them to realize the benefits of these materials, but those who want to help their loved ones can cope with reading. The site already has answers to all the questions that arise for both those grieving and their loved ones. How to cope with the death of a loved one? How to help a grieving person? How to help a person's soul? What to do with the feeling of guilt that arises? How to help grieving children? These and many other questions are answered by priests, psychologists, psychiatrists, lawyers and people who have managed to overcome grief. It is necessary to study these materials and tell those grieving and other family members about them. I can tell you from experience that this is very effective remedy, allowing you to “move forward” along the path of grief.

A very powerful resource in overcoming grief is spiritual help loved ones. By these words, let's understand not the implementation of all of the above, but caring for the souls of the deceased and those remaining. If there is a believer in the family, he can explain that observing confessional rituals is not just a tribute to tradition, but specific care for the deceased.

Faith - great power on the path to overcoming grief. A believer overcomes grief more easily, since his “picture of the world” does not end with death. In all religions, prayers for the dead and acts of mercy are considered good both for the one who is gone and for the one who does it here. If the family is not religious, you need to contact the ministers of the religious denomination that is traditional for this nationality. He needs to ask all the questions that the grieving people have accumulated, and also find out what can help the soul of the departed person. Starting with the performance of rituals, the grieving person can gradually come to understand the mystery of life and death, and this, from experience, helps to cope with the crisis of grief. Such care for the departed, and even if it is supplemented with help to those who are now weaker (even if it is just alms to a beggar), strengthens the grieving person, gives him the strength to live on, and changes the quality of his life.

And in parting I want to say the following. You can endlessly give advice about what is right and what is wrong. But the only correct line of behavior with a grieving person can only be suggested by an open heart and a sincere desire to be useful. I wish everyone who is now trying to help their loved ones strength and patience. You will need a lot of them, but the result is worth the effort.

How to support someone when a loved one dies. What to say, words of support, how to support relatives and friends.
Tactfully expressing condolences for the loss of a loved one is always an extremely difficult task. It is aggravated by the fact that we often do not try to look at loss through the eyes of the bereaved person.

A person tends to analyze the world solely based on the point of view of one’s own system of concepts and values, completely forgetting that all people are different, everyone has their own individual set tools of cognition, analysis and reactions to the surrounding reality.

This sometimes leads to sincere bewilderment:

• Why doesn’t the interlocutor draw what seems to be the only correct conclusion from the corresponding premises? I made exactly this conclusion. Why did he, following my train of thought, come to such an unpredictable destination? I sincerely wanted to console him! And in the end I was even more upset.

The reason is that we are in Once again We did not take into account the specific worldview of the person who needs our help.

• People are believers;
• And people are non-believers.

Believers, in turn, are divided into many categories depending on who or what they believe in.

The non-believers are united in their mass. The boundaries between these two groups are sometimes quite fluid and tend to be successfully leveled, especially at such turning points in our lives: a person either begins to believe in the existence the afterlife and a completely different reality, or he finally despairs, seeing death with his own eyes, and loses faith. And then he becomes an ardent atheist.

Of course, it is much more productive to sympathize with a believer than to sympathize with a materialist convinced to the core. Words spoken correctly and at the right time are like grains that will fall into fertile soil and sprout. And if, in addition, the sympathizer is also a believer, the chances that these people will find a common language and come to the same denominator increase many times over.

An example of the warm support that is so necessary in this tragic situation is the following words:

“Look at death through the eyes of the deceased: there is a high probability that he is now in another world. In a much better world. Our disfigured, cruel and unfair reality has forever become a thing of the past for the deceased.

If his soul ended up not with God, but on the threshold of other spheres, you have real opportunity influence the posthumous fate of your loved one through fervent prayer and alms in the name of the deceased person. Do exactly this, grief and despondency will only hinder you in this active love. And love, by definition, must only be active.

Don't think only about yourself. Yes, it hurts you that he is not around. That you can’t talk to him, hug him... But this is by no means forever! Death is only a temporary separation. The time will come, and by God’s grace you will definitely meet there, beyond that line. It is important to prepare as much as possible for this meeting. Both you, having succeeded in personal improvement, and the one who died through your own prayer for him, for he is no longer able to help himself.

Do you see how much depends on you? What huge responsibility do you have? Therefore, ask the Lord to give you strength, pull yourself together and prepare for the inevitable and desired meeting.

In addition, they say that the Lord takes a person at the most optimal moment for his eternal soul. Either a person has already achieved his destiny and is ripe for the Kingdom of Heaven, or his continued stay in this world would only aggravate his situation through the inevitable commission of sins in the future.

In the latter case, what is needed is prayer and alms from family and friends, and all this is in your own power. Pray and help the poor to save someone dear to you, and do not become discouraged and give up. Imagine that his happiness is in your hands. Don’t put them down, because if you drop this happiness, it will break into thousands and thousands of small sparkling fragments.”

Thus, even if we evaluate the mournful situation not from the point of view of the existence or absence of the afterlife, active activity can, to one degree or another, neutralize the pain and bitterness of loss. This is a simple law of psychology. In order not to think about the pink elephant, you need to think about the green elephant. And thinking while “doing” is much more productive.

The words of Archpriest Alexei Uminsky are very appropriate in the context of the topic under consideration:

« A person who experiences this moment and who really finds an answer from God, he becomes so smart and experienced that no one can give him any advice. He already knows everything. He doesn’t need to say anything, he knows everything himself. Therefore, this person does not need advice. It’s hard for those people who at such a moment do not want to listen to God and are looking for explanations, accusations, and self-accusation. And then it's hard because it's suicide. It is impossible to console a person who is not consoled by God.”

Priests are often the last to see someone off to another life, and the pain of loss and grief of loved ones is directly related to their service. Therefore, the above words are very, very worthy of attention.

In that case, if death touched non-believers, talking from a purely materialistic perspective will help reduce the pain of loss (which, with correct reasoning, will inevitably lead in the future to the only correct conclusion about the existence of another reality. But that will happen later. Now it is important to lay the right foundation for the implementation of this process). You can start it like this.

“Look at the amazing organization of the world around us. How much is still unknown, unexplored! The more discoveries he makes modern science, the more new and new questions arise before her. What is the probability that there is still something beyond death? We, in an age of dizzying development digital technologies, conquest of space, we still don’t know whether there is life in the actually existing star systems closest to us.

• What can we say about parallel worlds, permissibly located in the coordinate system of our planet?
• How can one say with 100% certainty that these measures do not exist?
• How, for example, does science explain the boundlessness of the universe?
• There must be boundaries in any case. And if they exist, then what is beyond these boundaries? And where do the limits of these limits rest? How to understand and realize the beginninglessness and infinity of time?

At the current level of development of the human brain, it is impossible in principle to realize and understand this. We need a different kind of brain. How, without having answers to such elementary questions, without the possibility of realizing the givenness of infinity and the beginninglessness of time and space, How can one categorically assert that there is no other life after death? »

In this case, various analogies can also come to the rescue. For example:

• A seed planted in the ground seemingly dies and is destroyed. But at the same time, it gives a sprout, and with it a new form of its existence, which subsequently blossoms into a spreading tree, raging with life.
• Or a caterpillar that seems to die, but in fact becomes a beautiful butterfly.

The materialist knows that a number of unshakable laws operate in the surrounding world, through which the elements of this world are very closely intertwined with each other. Therefore, such an associative series may well help to look at the loss of a loved one with completely different eyes.

Extremely important, along with the selection of the right words that contribute to a minimally painful perception of the very fact of what happened, is empathy and offering your help (both moral in the broadest sense of the word) and material.

Empathy, purely mathematically, helps to reduce the degree of pain experienced: dividing the severity of the loss by the number of sympathizing subjects inevitably somewhat reduces the concentration of all current negativity.

In a context so sad for loving heart events, it is extremely important to know what should not be said under any circumstances. In order not to hurt the person experiencing loss, You should try to avoid common mistakes as much as possible.

Words like “think about yourself,” “you’ll find someone else,” and “be glad you’re still alive.” are categorically unacceptable, since, by verbally devaluing the loss, they first of all bring to a loving person only pain.

You cannot condemn the deceased with phrases like “he walked towards this confidently”, “the end was easily predictable” and “he didn’t have to do this and that.”

Death eliminates all the mistakes of the deceased, and the spoken words will only cause pain and anger in the hearts of loved ones. There is an opinion that the words:

• “There are many people in the world who are having a much harder time right now.”

Although they may correspond to the truth, they are unlikely to console a grieving person. In any case, there are big risks here, and in the first stages, especially knowing the person poorly, it is better to avoid such “consolation”.

Thus, assistance to a person experiencing loss should in all cases have individual approach. All people are different, all people have their own specifics. Somewhere some words are appropriate, and somewhere slightly different. At least in the initial stages. But the principles of constructive verbal influence on emotional condition the grieving person is overwhelmingly united. That's what they are principles for.

And one last thing.

It is extremely necessary to always keep in mind: in many situations, it is important not so much what exactly, when and how much to say, but simply to initially listen and then no less simply listen to the grieving person.

Topic of the section: How and with what words to support a person, relative, loved one, friend, in difficult times during the death of a loved one, words of support in difficult times. Supportive, meaningful words when dying close person.
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In the life of every person, a variety of events constantly occur. Unfortunately, not all of them bring joy and happiness. Often we and our loved ones have to feel pain, resentment and experience real grief. It is very difficult to watch the suffering of loved ones and relatives. In such situations, many are lost and do not know what to say, how to support the person.

Unleash your feelings

Emotions should not accumulate. A person must throw them out. Help him express sadness, resentment, disappointment, i.e. all those negative feelings who currently own it. Only by letting them out can you feel relief. Some people, when in deep sadness, withdraw into themselves. In such a situation, it is necessary to show some ingenuity and provoke the person to talk.

Offer help

It is imperative to offer help to people in critical situations. You are unlikely to be able to ease your grief, but you can still do something. This could be cooking, cleaning the house, or in general, everything that a loved one is not able to do right now. The main thing is to do it regularly and from the heart.

Listen

Many people like to talk things out, but not everyone can listen. If you don't know if you're depressed, then just listen to him carefully. Don’t interrupt and give him the opportunity to say everything that has accumulated. Express your concern and sympathy, and let the person know that you understand their grief.

Stay close

You must understand that now more than ever you need a friend. Put everything aside if possible and devote as much time to him as possible. Try to eliminate the source of the person's suffering if possible. Try to avoid common phrases. In most cases, this is more annoying than helpful.

Try to distract

When you think about how to support a person in difficult situation, the thought often comes to mind that you just need to distract him. Go to the cinema, theater, exhibition, club, etc. together. A change of environment will definitely be beneficial. Your loved one will be able to forget about problems and worries at least for a while.

be patient

Depressed people are unstable, short-tempered, and extremely irritable. You should take this into account when communicating with them. If you don't know how to support someone but are planning to visit them, keep this in mind. Be patient and be prepared for anything.

Please advise

After the person has cried and spoken out, it's time to give. good advice. Tell us what you think about the current situation. Perhaps you have own experience similar experiences. Don't give empty advice. Be sure to imagine yourself in a similar situation. Unlike your loved one, you have the ability to reason sensibly and look for a way out. If you see that a friend is wrong, do not be shy or afraid to tell him about it. It would be better if it were you than someone else.

Act according to the situation

Each person has his own unique character. Each of us feels and thinks differently. It is impossible to select any template of actions. You need to act depending on the situation. Remember that the main thing is sincere attention and empathy, participation and the desire to provide support in difficult times. It is quite difficult to take into account all the nuances, but if you can, your friend will be eternally grateful to you for being there.

Knowing how to support a person, you can always come to the rescue. This way, you will not only save him, but also make it clear that you are a true friend. And when you need help, you can be sure that it will come. In addition, good deeds always lift your spirits and fill your life with meaning.

First, understand and accept one thing: even though you have known each other for a long time and you know the person inside out, now this does not mean at all that his behavior will meet your expectations. “There are certain general stages of experiencing grief. You can easily focus on them, remembering, of course, that each of us still needs an individual approach,” explains psychologist Marianna Volkova.

Our experts:

Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist at the Gestalt Center Nina Rubshtein

Marianna Volkova
Practicing psychologist, specialist in family and individual psychology

How to support someone if they are in shock

Stage No. 1: usually the person is completely shocked, confused and simply cannot believe the reality of what is happening.

What should I say. If you are really close friends, it is best for you to be close without relying on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people, tactile contact and the ability to see their interlocutor in person are very important. “At this time, conversations and attempts to express condolences are not necessary,” Marianna Volkova is sure. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to stay close and refuses to communicate, do not try to get him to talk. Contrary to your expectations, things will not get easier for him. It’s worth talking about what happened only when your loved one is ready for it. In the meantime, you can hug, sit next to, hold hands, stroke the head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly on business or on abstract topics.”

What to do. The loss of a loved one, sudden terrible illnesses and other blows of fate require not only reflection, but also a lot of worries. Don’t think that providing this kind of help is easy. It requires a lot of emotional investment and is very exhausting. How to support a person in such a situation? First, ask how you can help. A lot depends on what condition your friend is in. You may have to take on organizational issues: calling, finding out, negotiating. Or give the unfortunate person a sedative. Or wait with him in the doctor’s waiting room. But, as a rule, it is enough to at least deal with everyday issues: clean up, wash the dishes, cook food.

How to support a person if he is acutely worried

Stage No. 2: accompanied by acute feelings, resentment, misunderstanding and even aggression.

What to do. It is clear that communication at this moment is difficult. But right now, a friend needs attention and support. Try to come more often, to be in touch if he is left alone. You can invite him to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are mentally ready for this.

Words of condolences

“Most people, when expressing condolences, use common phrases that do not carry any meaning. Actually, this is a manifestation of politeness and nothing more. But when we're talking about about a loved one, you need something more than a formality. Of course, there is no template that fits every situation. But there are things that definitely shouldn’t be said,” says Marianna Volkova.

1. If you don’t know what to say, be silent. Better hug once again, show that you are nearby and ready to help at any moment.
2. Avoid expressions like “everything will be fine,” “everything will pass,” and “life goes on.” You seem to promise good things, but only in the future, not now. This kind of talk is annoying.
3. Try not to ask unnecessary questions. The only appropriate one in this situation is: “How can I help?” Everything else will wait.
4. Never utter words that could devalue the importance of what happened. “And some people can’t walk at all!” - this is not a consolation, but a mockery for a person who has lost, say, an arm.
5. If your goal is to provide moral support to a friend, first of all you yourself must be stoic. Sobbing, lamenting and talking about the injustice of life is unlikely to calm you down.

How to support someone if they are depressed

Stage No. 3: at this time the person becomes aware of what happened. Expect your friend to be depressed and depressed. But there is also good news: he begins to understand that he needs to somehow move on.

What should I say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is ask what exactly your loved one expects from you.

1. Some people need to talk about what happened."There are people who difficult situation It is vital to speak out loud your emotions, fears and experiences. A friend doesn’t need condolences; your job is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but you shouldn’t give advice or put in your two cents in every possible way,” advises Marianna Volkova.
2. Some people need a distraction to cope with grief. You are required to talk about extraneous topics, to involve a person in resolving some issues. Invent urgent things that require full concentration and constant employment. Do everything so that your friend has no time to think about what he is trying to escape from.
3. There are people who are in difficult life situations They prefer loneliness - this makes it easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that they don't want any contact yet, the worst thing you can do is try to get under their skin with the best of intentions. Simply put, to forcefully “do good.” Leave the person alone, but be sure to make it clear that you are nearby and ready to provide all possible help at any time.

What to do.

1. In the first case, help of a domestic nature is often required, especially if your loved one is not one of those who easily negotiate, communicate and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
2. You must help your friend move a little away from what happened. If you are connected by work issues, you can carry out distracting maneuvers in this direction. A good option- playing sports. The main thing is not to torture yourself and his grueling workouts, but choose what you like. You can go to the pool, court or yoga together. The goal is to try to have fun.
3. In the third case, you only need what is asked of you. Don't insist on anything. Invite them to “go out and unwind” (what if they agree?), but always leave the choice up to the person and don’t be intrusive.

How to support someone when they have already experienced grief

Stage No. 4: This is a period of adaptation. One might say – rehabilitation.

What should I say. It is at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communication with others gradually takes on its usual form. Now a friend may need parties, travel and other attributes of life without mourning.

What to do. “If your friend is quite ready to communicate, there is no need to try to somehow behave “correctly” in his company. You should not try to forcefully cheer up, shake and bring to your senses. At the same time, you cannot avoid direct glances or sit with a sour face. The more familiar you establish the atmosphere, the easier it will be for a person,” Marianna Volkova is sure.

Visit to a psychologist

No matter what stage a person is in, friends sometimes try to provide help that is not needed. For example, forcefully send you to a psychologist. Here you will have to be especially careful, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.

“Experiencing trouble, sadness is a natural process that, as a rule, does not need professional help,” says psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. – There is even a term “grief work”, the healing effect of which is possible provided that a person allows himself to go through all stages. However, this is precisely what becomes a problem for many: allowing oneself to feel, to face experiences. If we try to “run away” from strong, unpleasant emotions, to ignore them, the “work of grief” is disrupted, and “stuck” may occur at any stage. That’s when the help of a psychologist is really needed.”

Cons of support

The tragedy they experience sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. We are, of course, not talking about the first, most difficult period. But you may be required to be present continuously for a long time. Your personal life, work, desires will not be taken into account. Let's say you invited a friend to stay with you for a while - a fairly common practice. But all the agreed upon dates have long passed, and the person continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impolite to talk about inconveniences, but the natural result will be a damaged relationship.

No less important is financial issue. It happens that time passes, everything that was needed has been done, but the need for investment does not disappear. And you, by inertia, continue to give money, afraid to refuse. " I noticed that you are starting to sacrifice yourself and your interests, which means there is a reason to talk and clarify the situation,” recalls Anna Shishkovskaya. – Otherwise, the accumulated resentment and indignation will one day provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be good not to lead to a scandal, but to define the boundaries in time.”

Personal dramas are just one of those very troubles that friends find themselves in. And your behavior during this period will certainly affect your relationship in one way or another. Therefore, you should rush to help only if you sincerely want it.