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The famous Russian psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky does not hide the fact that he became a psychologist to solve his own problems. And he succeeded. The result of his more than 30 years of observation of his clients and himself was the 6 rules method. According to the author, these rules consistently help to get out of neurosis.

website I figured out what the 6 rules of Mikhail Labkovsky are. And he invites you to start putting them into practice - for the sake of happiness, for the sake of health, for the sake of yourself.

Rule 1. Do only what you want

This rule is the main one. Just do what you want and that's it. And it works in all situations, from everyday situations (what to eat for breakfast?) to life-changing ones (should I get married? should I have a child? should I move to another city? should I change jobs or not?). Just listen to yourself, your feelings and do what you want.

In order for a child to grow up to be an independent person with a healthy psyche, the rule must be applied from birth. And questions such as: “What do you want to do now?”, “What would you like to eat?”, “What T-shirt do you want to wear today?” are the first step towards this.

Rule 2. Don't do what you don't want to do

One of famous quotes Mikhail Labkovsky: “Concessions and compromises are a direct path to a cardiologist or oncologist.” Living from the principle “I don’t want to, but I do it because I have to” is the road to the same place.

So don't do anything you don't want to do. Never. And if you do, then don’t be surprised by illness, depression, the fact that you are unhappy, restless, unsuccessful.

Rule 3. Say what you don’t like right away

Keeping silent, accumulating grievances, suffering, conducting an endless mental dialogue with the offender in your head are typical neurotic patterns of behavior. Saying: “You can’t do this with me, it’s unpleasant for me,” is certainly much less romantic, but it healthy way response.

Rule 4. Do not answer when not asked

Replies in the style: “You’re an asshole!” or “How tired I am, how tired I am of everything. “I have no more strength” and the like are not a question. And you don't have to answer them.

They provoke the other person to some kind of response. For example, “What happened to you, why are you complaining?” We must understand that such remarks are provocation and manipulative behavior of a neurotic. According to Labkovsky, such phrases should never be answered or answered according to rule 3: “I don’t like this kind of conversation.”

Rule 5. Answer only the question

In this case we're talking about about the application of the “I-messages” method, widely known in psychology. The essence of the method is to talk about yourself and your feelings, about what you experience when you expect others to act differently or treat you differently.

This rule does not imply any conflict at all - you do not sort things out with your partner, do not argue with him, but talk to yourself.

To experience positive changes from applying the 6 rules, you need to live by them for at least six months, assures the author of the method.

Perhaps someone is already applying the rules in practice. Share in the comments.

Six rules that consistently help you get out of neurosis are the result of 30 years of practice, observations of patients and yourself. Like many psychologists, I came into the profession to deal with my own problems. And I figured it out!

This does not mean that for all 30 years I have been continuously thinking about creating the “Labkovsky method”. Rather, he analyzed how the actions of an anxious and neurotic person differ from the behavior of a person with a healthy psyche. (I know that many people judge by themselves and are sure that mentally healthy people do not exist in nature, but I assure you that they exist and live happily ever after.) I was interested not even in what was going on in their heads, but in how mental health is expressed externally – precisely in the form of actions and lifestyle.

The result of my observations was my six rules. I’ve been living by them myself for several years now and recommend them to everyone.

The rules, at first glance, are very simple:

• Do only what you want.
• Don't do what you don't want to do.
• Talk about what you don’t like right away.
• Don't answer when not asked.
• Answer only the question.
• When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.

To some, namely neurotics, the implementation of these rules seems unrealistic, unthinkable in principle. And some people live this way quite naturally all their lives. And do you know who it is? Calm, independent people with high self-esteem, stable psyche and great feeling self-love.

After all, where do neurotics come from? I won’t be original and say that from childhood, when we are faced with the same irritants. They are repeated, and the child’s psyche develops stereotypical reactions. For example, parents argue - the child gets scared and withdraws into himself, and since they constantly yell, the child is constantly in fear and depressed. It grows and the behavior becomes established. Stimulus - reaction, stimulus - reaction. Years go by. During this time, connections are formed in the brain, reflex arc– nerve cells built in a certain way, which force them to react in the usual way to any similar stimulus.

So, in order to help a person overcome fears, anxieties, and insecurities, this arc needs to be broken. Create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this: with the help of actions that are unusual for a neurotic.

He needs to start acting differently, breaking his behavioral stereotypes. And when there are rules that clearly regulate behavior, it is easier to change. Without thinking, without reflecting, without turning to your (negative) experience.

My six rules clearly instruct how to act in each specific situation - from the simplest everyday ones (drink black coffee or with milk in the morning?) to the turning and life-changing ones (whether to have a child, for example). “So what should I do?” – audiences often ask me during lectures, talking about life’s difficulties. "How do you want it?" – I simply ask in response, and here many people get confused. Because when making a decision, we are used to taking into account anything other than our desires.

Yes, you need to learn this. But if you follow my rules long enough, at least a month, changes in specific reactions, and in the entire psyche, will definitely follow.

I also always warn that by changing your behavior style from an anxious-neurotic one to a consistently healthy one, you can lose people and money. Some people and some money. For example, you finally tell your friend that you (for 20 years now) don’t like it when she flirts with your husband, and the friend, very surprised, stops calling you. Or you will realize that your job is draining all your energy and quit... You need to be prepared for this. As well as positive changes like new friends, new inspiring work and new sources of income

The result of numerous answers was his concept of 6 rules, following which you can live without tormenting yourself and others. A word from a psychologist.

“Let's first talk about why these 6 rules came about. How to answer the question What is love?

This is a complex topic. Legally, a parent is responsible for their children, but psychologically, you can give your child a chance to answer for himself. In life, it turns out that anxious people try to proactively understand how their behavior will affect another person. No need! He will tell you himself if he doesn’t like something.

Ideally, a person should focus on himself. If he loves himself, he reasons like this: I’m good, which means I can’t do anything bad to anyone.

It doesn't matter whether it's true or not. As soon as he focuses on other people, he falls and becomes dependent on the opinions of others. You can only focus on yourself, but for this you must be able to trust yourself. A very simple example: . If she wants to develop self-confidence, she should not call the saleswoman and ask her opinion. Yes, it will be difficult at first, but you need to learn to make decisions for yourself. Start small - then this skill will transfer to more global issues. This is how people begin to respect their actions.

How is this skill formed in a person initially? And why don't many people have it?

Parents must consider their child from the very first days: what does he want for breakfast? what does he want to wear? What does he want to play? From the age of 6, children can choose their own clothes in the store (of course, within the limits of the budget and objective needs). And then the child is already with early age begins to understand what he really wants.

There are two problems with realizing your desires. The first is ambivalence. If an adult cannot make a choice, it means that his parents never cultivated his desires. And now he's being torn apart! He wants 10 different things at the same time. The second problem is ignorance of your desires. A person simply does not understand what he wants - this means that in childhood his parents made all the decisions for him.

But this is not a sentence! You can learn to make decisions the same way you learn to walk - step by step. Do little choice every day is a choice that cannot be changed later. Let's go back to the woman in the fitting room: She can't return it or exchange it. Decisions made must be completed. This requires a lot of work on yourself - everything that your mother didn’t do in childhood, now you have to do it yourself.”

6 rules of Mikhail Labkovsky work!

*Mikhail Labkovsky writes about himself:

“A practicing psychologist with 30 years of experience, and for the last 20 years also a television and radio presenter. Born in Moscow, he entered the psychology department in the hope of solving his own problems, learned to solve them, and realized that he could make money from this. He was a teacher and school psychologist, including at the famous school (now 1543) about which the film “A Tender Age” was made. For some time he lived, studied and worked in Israel. I received a second degree there in psychology. In Jerusalem, I was involved in negotiations between spouses who were divorcing and at the same time dividing children and property. In Russia, such a specialty - Family Mediation Service - does not yet exist as a mediator, which is a pity. At the Jerusalem mayor's office, he was a full-time psychologist in the service for working with adolescents in juvenile colonies. I am absolutely sure that you need to live in such a way that it is pleasant; and to make it pleasant, you need to do only what you want, and what you don’t want, don’t do it! And that’s how I live.”

Mikhail Labkovsky - psychologist

Don't be afraid to be happy

Most people live in families where it is not customary to enjoy life, it is not customary to say that everything is fine with you. Our parents' inability to rejoice and smile is passed on to us, and we believe that this is how life works. Another of our tricks is the idea that if you had a good time, you will definitely have to pay for it. We are afraid to enjoy life and associate it with something vicious.

Don't have any illusions

If you don’t want to be disappointed by illusions, then, first of all, don’t create illusions. Do not assume that love, marriage, or any other situation will change your psychology or the psychology of your chosen one. Thinking/dreaming/dreaming that “when we get married, he will stop drinking” is a mistake. And that he will walk up before the wedding, and then suddenly become faithful husband- Same. You can only change yourself.

Don't sacrifice yourself

Someone who is mentally healthy focuses on their feelings and always chooses themselves. Neither beauty nor love require sacrifice. And if they demand it, it’s definitely not your story. There is no purpose for which it is worth enduring something in a relationship.

Take action

If you are dissatisfied with something, you should not whine, but take concrete action. The main thing is not to stop! It is likely that the crisis will open up new prospects and opportunities and help change life for the better. In the end, the issue is not the crisis, but how a person perceives it.

Love yourself

Who is a person who loves himself? This is the one who will always choose the business to which his soul lies. And when you need to decide what to do, he may figure out what is effective, what is reasonable, what his sense of duty dictates, and then he will do as he WANTS. Even if he loses money on it. And he has a lot to lose. But who should he be offended by? He is fine. He lives among those he loves, he works where he likes... He has everything agreed and harmonious with himself, and therefore he is kind to others and open to the world. He also respects other people's wishes as much as he respects his own.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

When you tell others about your problems, what do you want? You want to complain, not solve it. The cult of suffering is another of our features. It is easier for us to suffer than to live happily. A healthy person either accepts the situation or changes it. Neurotic - does not accept and does not change. Take, for example, a physical illness that really prevents you from enjoying life. But healthy people are being treated, but neurotics want to get sick because they get a reason to feel sorry for themselves.

Stop controlling everything

Here is a simple line between healthy and unhealthy control: healthy control is directed towards yourself. A person can and should control himself. And it cannot and should not extend control to others, with the exception of legal authority: the boss, naturally, checks the results of the work of his subordinates, and the parent is responsible for the minor child, but in moderation. In moderation. You have to trust the people around you. Trust colleagues, trust family. And especially for the child. Well, you raised him. He knows what the consequences of what actions are.

Separate real problems from imagined ones

To worry for no reason or for an insignificant reason is to be neurotic. In our country these are the majority. How do mentally healthy people differ from neurotics? The fact that they, of course, are also nervous, but experience real emotions that have real, compelling reasons - these are specific events, irritants in outside world. Neurotics, on the other hand, continuously generate the causes of their irritation within themselves.

Get rid of guilt

There are no objective reasons for guilt. No person does anything out of spite or “on purpose.” Our mistakes are the result of a lack of knowledge or experience. Therefore, you should not tell others: “How guilty I am to you, why did I do this?” In this way, you let the person know that you could have acted differently, but for some reason you didn’t want to. It’s better to say: “I’m sorry, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Spend money

Saving for a rainy day, deliberate accumulation (this is putting money into a conditional piggy bank not because it remained unspent, but regularly “cutting off” some amounts from the budget), calculating expenses, all this creates poverty. This is a sign of a flawed consciousness, a poor man's consciousness. And, unfortunately, the vast majority of people in our country live exactly like this: they save, save, and limit themselves in everything. By saving money, you are taking it away from yourself and your fulfilling life today. You cater to your fears and strengthen your beggar mentality.

Allow yourself to be lazy

Learn to just sit, lie down and not worry about anything, don’t think, don’t suffer, don’t plan, don’t have endless dialogues and monologues with offenders, don’t watch TV or a series on your computer, don’t flip through a magazine. Achieving many things in this life requires doing nothing first. Enter into a state of doing nothing, catch it and prolong, prolong...

Don't do what you don't want to do

Do not do anything to the detriment of yourself or your will. Nothing at all. I don’t need to tell you that, in principle, I’m happy with the job, but there are a lot of negative things there, I have to take this into account, since they pay well and it’s not far from home. This way you will not understand your desires. You must fully accept what you are doing or change your work. These compromises should not exist. You have to ask yourself, “What do I want?” and “What don’t I want?”