Funny and ridiculous stories about online dating

Virtual dating is like Russian roulette. Sometimes it shoots an amorous arrow into the heart, sometimes... into some other places that were not at all prepared for such turns!

Wasteful spending

I received a letter from a friend, described as a physicist-lyricist, candidate of sciences. He offered to meet immediately. I worked at the center and asked him to come to the Griboyedov Canal. A friend arrives in worn out sneakers and with a tattered backpack, five minutes before he is homeless. And he immediately asks: “To you or to me?” I say, somehow it’s too early right away... Having clarified that there will be no sex right now, he changes his face and angrily says: “I shouldn’t have bought the token!”, turns around and leaves...

The zodiac doesn't tell

Agreed to meet. In the morning everything was still in force, he called and promised to come over, but closer to the appointed hour he called again - and announced that he had calculated the horoscope and found that this day was undesirable for meetings with women of my sign. I think I got away with it. But after that he did not disappear! He called several more times, said that he had drawn up some plans and read out the forecasts to me... I was surprised that they did not come true.

Collecting power

One of them, after some period of correspondence, told me that by communicating on the site, he collects sexual energy, which he then turns into brilliant works of art. At the same time, he insistently called for nature. Either he loves bushes, or he was just planning to paint landscapes.

creative valentine

He seemed to be a normal boy, he wrote competently, spoke beautifully, looked good in the photos... In short, we agreed to meet on Valentine's Day. So he gave me a Valentine’s card, which was attached to bottles of some wine! As a result, I ran home under the balconies, got into the mud and ruined my new suede boots.

Pointed question

One friend from a dating site, coming on a date, immediately asked what was needed for intimacy. I’ll remember verbatim in a minute... “What needs to be done to make you want it right away?” I fell. Well, obviously not what you just did :)

I love to eat

I registered on the first dating site in my life. I had to write something about myself in English. I was completely unfamiliar with the Internet at that time. I asked my daughter to write about me. "What exactly?" - I answer: “The truth.” Well, she wrote, I didn’t check, the letters came out like a bunch. Everyone is so strange: they write that they cook very well, that they have a housekeeper at home... I think that’s all. Then I was smart enough to translate my profile. And it says: I’m lazy, I love to eat and have a comfortable life. The little girl got hit in the head for that. And she told me: “Mommy, just look how many people want to feed you!”

Genius loci

My friend, a good, pretty girl, after graduating from university, went to her small town in the Pskov region. We registered it on “loveplanet”. They wrote the whole truth, included a real photo, indicated the city and all that. In a couple of months, only one married man wrote to her; he happens to be in this city on business trips... Just for fun, we changed the place of residence in the questionnaire. Posted by Finland, Tampere. The photo was left the same. And then off we go! They inundated her with compliments and suggestions, wrote from all over the territory former USSR. As a result, she successfully married... to a work colleague.

Instead of a photo

I’m sitting at work, I have nothing to do, I’m quietly texting on ICQ. Someone new is knocking. Let's start communicating. I decided to find out more about my interlocutor - and I found out that he was a colleague. And he didn't even guess. At work he was uncommunicative and gloomy, but here he comes out saying, Mom, don’t worry. At the end of the working day he writes: “You are such an interesting conversationalist, I want to see what you look like. Throw your photo". And I told him: “Why throw it off... Turn your head to the right!” He turns his head, and I wave my hand to him, like the Secretary General from the Mausoleum...

Special signs

At the first meeting after correspondence, we agreed to meet the girl at shopping center. I call her: they say, I’ve arrived, a black Peugeot 207, I’m waiting. She gets out, walks past my car... And elegantly gets into a silver Nissan! And he has a license plate with the numbers 207... He ran to rescue him from captivity. The man in the Nissan was completely speechless and didn’t utter a word.

Phantom Vladimir

We correspond, call each other and in the process decide that it is simply vital to meet. At the same time, we are added to Odnoklassniki and so on... And a day later, Vladimir is removed from all social pages and blacklisted the number! I bought myself a new dress, but he disappeared... What kind of terrible thing did I have to say? I’m still thinking... Well, the dress suits me perfectly!

Attraction of poor students

I’m sitting on the site upset, my mood is at zero, then a message comes: “Hello! Tell me, how can I get to know you better in order to verify the similarity of our magnetic poles?” I’m so angry, and also some kind of show-off with my poles... I write: “I can immediately say: they are DIFFERENT!” All irritated, I turn off the laptop, and then it dawns on me: different poles ATTRACT! I turn back on, and then we simultaneously write: “Oh, damn it, different people attract.” We've been together ever since. Sometimes it’s useful to forget school physics...

Oops that's not for you

I have a hectic correspondence with MCH, and at the same time I share with my friend. And we’ve known each other since kindergarten, and we’re used to discussing guys... Mmm, let’s just say, very straightforwardly and with humor. And by chance a message for a friend in the appropriate style is sent to this MCH. Poor fellow! Somehow he didn’t appreciate my revelations and disappeared from the radar instantly.

My fish

First and last time agreed to meet after correspondence. The appointed time was up, I was frozen - he was gone... After 15 minutes, I turned around and left. He calls: “Where are you, where are you going?” Me: “Where have you been?” He: “Oh, I was late, I was releasing a fish from a jar into the Don. She spent the winter with me...” Curtain.

Entertaining ornithology

All evening this miracle fed me some sayings on the topic of male viability. The most memorable thing: he compared men - attention! - with roosters. “A man, like a rooster, must show his worth” and something further about rooster tails and posture... In general, the entertaining ornithological excursion lasted two hours, during which only he spoke. On the way, he complimented me, saying that I had a very interesting jaw. There should be a facepalm here. I headed to the elevator...

What's wrong with his face?

Everything was going fine, and then at some point he said in the correspondence: “You know, women look at my face and decide not to get involved with me...” I got scared. I thought of something for myself right away. And so timidly I wonder what’s wrong with his face. Preparing for some sad story... And he replies: “Well, I’m handsome!”

I counted and shed a tear

We met, a handsome guy, all so packed, generous - cafes, restaurants. And then two months later he said: you know, I figured it out and calculated it - our relationship is costing me too much, I decided to take out a mortgage, excuse me.

Away for a surprise

I went to my first date in heels. And he told me so mysteriously, with a sparkle in his eyes: “I have prepared a surprise for you, you just need to walk a little.” Well, for the sake of a surprise, you can take a walk. As a result, we walked for almost an hour and a half to some shabby little shop. He sat me on a bench to wait, came out, said: “Close your eyes,” and put Rafaelka in my mouth. I ate it, waiting to see where the surprise is. But it turned out that it was him. Because once in a correspondence I mentioned that I had never eaten these candies. So, in principle, I don’t like sweets! And he decided to overwhelm me with the breadth of his soul. And we walked so far because his friend worked there; out of pity, she periodically lent him food.

Product replacement

In correspondence he was simply sweet and witty, but at a meeting he froze and mumbled. In the end, he admitted that it was not he who wrote, but his girlfriend, a lesbian...

The normal ones ran away

We agreed at 18.00 in a cafe. I was 10 minutes late, and at 18.05 I received a message: “You showed disrespect for me by being late. Normal women come early and wait for me!” And about a month later he wrote that he was “ready to give me another chance.” Apparently, the stern dude never came across any “normal” ones...

Let's talk about the concepts

I’m coming on a date... And there’s a real gopnik with a bottle of beer and two plastic cups! Gentleman, damn it. I don’t know what came over me, but... I looked at him - and we crushed his beer on the bench for sunflower seeds and talked about life. It didn't come down to love, of course. But when you’re bored, you have someone to drink beer with in a sports bar!

Sweetened the pill

One person per good car For half an evening he drove me around the city and told me something tediously about his life. I could see that he didn’t like me, but he stubbornly refused to say goodbye to me. When this miracle happened, as a farewell, he directly thrust a jar of honey into my hands. He said it was from his apiary. What was it?

Birch romance

A friend came to the meeting. The guy picked a twig from a birch tree, handed it to her and said: Congratulations on the spring holiday! Then he offered to take a ride... on a regular bus.

Will you be Lenka?

We corresponded normally, and when we met, the first thing he did was take an appraising look at my figure and say: “Lenka’s butt is like Lenka’s, only Lenka is a little taller.” Afterwards he suggested we meet, and really wondered why I didn’t want to. Lenka, as he said, for some reason didn’t want him either...

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Surely many of you have heard something so incredible and illogical that there was no other way to call it anything other than nonsense. It turns out that our history is full of such examples.

So, we present 20 facts from history that seem like absolute insanity, but nevertheless this all actually happened.

In the 19th century, Mrs. Winslow's soothing syrup for children was popular in the USA and Great Britain, which was considered an indispensable aid for mothers and nannies. It helped with any pain because it contained morphine and ammonia. Of course, what child would not calm down if given such syrup?

In the Middle Ages, about 600 thousand people became victims of accusations of witchcraft. Such accusations were very difficult to prove or disprove in those days.

Again, in the Middle Ages, those convicted of a crime were subjected to ordeals (“ God's judgment", or test by water and fire). In one version of the test, the condemned had to put his hand into boiling water - if the hand remained unburnt, this meant that God had protected the person, and he was released.

The well-known Roman emperor Caligula loved his horse Incitatus so much that he made him first a citizen of Rome and then a senator.

Mexican General Lopez de Santa Anna, who, by the way, became President of Mexico 11 times, buried his own leg, which was amputated due to a wound, with great pomp.

In the United States in 1917, Margaret Sanger was arrested and sent to prison for opening the world's first birth control clinic.

By the way, about contraception. In Canada in the 16th century, people drank tinctures as contraceptives. One of the ingredients of such potions were beaver testicles.

In the United States during the colonial period, women were not given any painkillers during childbirth. It was believed that pain during childbirth was a punishment for the sin of the first woman, Eve.

Pope Gregory IX believed that cats were the offspring of the devil, and they were exterminated. As a result, the rat population increased so much that the bubonic plague broke out, killing 100 million people.

In the 13th century, about 30 thousand children and teenagers took part in the so-called Children's Crusade, because people believed that God would protect unarmed children. Most of them died on the way, the rest were enslaved.

IN Ancient Egypt The servants of the pharaohs were coated with honey so that the flies would not bother the rulers themselves.

Nintendo was founded in 1889. She released playing cards which were drawn by hand.

In the 19th century, dentures were made from the teeth of dead soldiers.

In France, during the release of the first film " star Wars“They were still guillotining people. It was in 1977 that the last execution took place by beheading by guillotine.

The early inhabitants of Britain used skulls as cups.

In the 19th century, many people were afraid of being buried alive. Up until 1934, some companies produced special safety coffins equipped with escape features. For example, a rope connected to a bell on the surface was tied to the deceased in a coffin.

Between 1909 and 1970, the Australian government removed natural children from Aboriginal families and placed them in foster care. Children were forced to forget about their origins.

The wild flora and fauna of Saudi Arabia is unique. However, some representatives of the animal world are brought into the country. For example, all the camels Saudi Arabia receives from Australia.

Colombian Pedro Lopez is included in the Guinness Book of Records as the most brutal maniac. He was found guilty of killing 110 girls in 1983. Also known as the Monster of the Andes, he confessed to killing a total of 300 people. He was sentenced to 20 years and transferred to mental asylum, as he was declared insane, and released in 1998 for good behavior and cooperation with the police. On this moment his whereabouts are unknown.

Gala is 54 years old. Galya is a professional. I hired her. Clean office 300 sq.m. Salary 20 thousand Russian rubles plus ours consumables. I told office manager Olesya to buy Galya some fiber cloths, a blue plastic bucket, 5 liters of Doctor Proper, two liters of window cleaner, a long-handled dustpan, an assortment of Komets and Domestos.
“Don’t buy mops,” says Galya, “Only wooden brushes for them, no sticks.” I have my own stick.
And from the leatherette case he takes out a perfectly polished stick with a screw for any brush. The stick has markings “for the palm of your hand”, apparently individually made. Mahogany color with light Egyptian pattern on the edges.
“Here,” says Galya, “A famous mop maker made it.” Ionov. Thundered all over Soviet Union. It’s a pity, he died ten years ago, and his only student, Zhuchko, betrayed his profession and started making cues for billiards. Sorry for Ionov. Nowadays there are no such masters that you...
I believe Gala. Galya is a professional. I hired her. I

Possible profanity. To see the word, disable the censor at the bottom of the page and refresh the page.

The partners arrived at the office. I ask if they would like coffee or tea.

Yes, coffee, please,” the man responded.
“I’ll have coffee too,” the woman muttered contemptuously.

We are sitting in negotiations. The man gestures animatedly, explaining the nuances, the woman sits, looking arrogantly at everyone. He even sips coffee through his teeth. Although it seems that the agreement has already been signed, it is mutually beneficial. What's the point?

The meeting ended. The man said goodbye to everyone by hand, thanking them for their cooperation. The woman dispassionately trotted towards the exit.

My thoughts about arrogance during the negotiations were interrupted by the boss:

No, did you see how cool her face was done with Botox? You need to ask for the contact information of her cosmetologist.

This was back in my student days. Once I went to a dorm with a friend and talked about the plight of students. The scholarship then was 180 rubles, and a pack of the simplest dumplings, for example, cost 35 rubles. Just imagine how you could live on such monstrous money.
I had a couple of tens hanging out in my pocket, a friend had fifty dollars, but we understood that it would only last us a day or two, and then the bony hands of hunger would close around our necks. The friend took out the last cigarette and tried to light it, but the lighter ran out of gas. He turned to a decently dressed gentleman standing in the middle of the street and pompously treated him to a light. The man did not refuse, looked us up and down and said:
- Guys, don’t you want to earn some money?
The offer was very tempting, but slightly alarming. Do strangers often approach you on the street and offer to earn extra money? So you don’t come to me often.
But our fears were in vain. It turned out that it was necessary to lift 7-8 garden concrete mixers, weighty and bulky units, to the third floor. We were young and healthy, and they offered us a hundred rubles. Not God knows what money, but also work for an hour, as our sudden employer said. And this money could help put off hunger for almost a week, with proper savings. We agreed.
But everything turned out to be not so simple. The third floor was really the third, but the catch was that it an old house in the center of St. Petersburg: floors of 5-6 meters, and a terribly narrow staircase, only 5 centimeters wider than the boxes in which dismantled concrete mixers lay. And the units themselves turned out to be heavier than we could have imagined. With curses and groans, we somehow lifted one up and became thoughtful. It was terribly inconvenient, I had to be careful all the time so as not to pinch my fingers, and turning around with the box on the landing between the flights of stairs was a whole adventure. We seriously thought about whether the game was worth the candle.
- Listen, screw him! – I said, “we’ll fall over this steward like bastards, we’ll break our hands on the railing, and anyway, let’s go home?”
“Well, it’s inconvenient,” the comrade answered, “we’ve already signed up, what are we going to tell the dude?”
- Don’t worry, I’ll sort everything out now! - I said, and headed to our employer, who was smoking nearby, - he himself will drive us away!
- Dear! – with some pressure in my voice I turned to the exploiter of our labor, “you know what? We lifted one piece of crap to the top and it didn’t last an hour of work! Raise each for 10-15 minutes. Plus working conditions. In short, a hundred rubles for such work is not serious!
The man looked at me sadly, sighed and asked:
- How much do you want?
But I didn’t want to at all. We ate poorly and such work was truly on the verge of possibility. I just wanted to go home without losing face. Like, it’s not us who are such weaklings – it’s you, the greedy bastard. I grinned and said the sacramental:
- 330! To each!
The employer sighed heavily. So heavy that if his sigh could be weighed, it would be heavier than all the concrete mixers that we signed up to drag.
“Okay,” another heavy sigh, “we agreed.”
I returned back in slight shock. My friend looked at me with hope.
- What? Home?
“To hell with it,” I answered, “let’s move on!”
The friend did not understand the reason, but did not ask. I had to work. We worked hard, carried boxes for 2-3 hours, but it was very pleasant to look at our friend when we received the money at the end. Well, three times more than we initially agreed on! Yes, with that kind of money you could eat for three weeks, if you spent it correctly. True, as I already said, we were young and stupid, we spent everything on beer and snacks that same day. Easy Come Easy Go.

According to my friend.

My grandparents saw me off in the hallway. Grandfather is 80, and grandmother is 78 years old; they have lived together for more than 55 years. Grandma says: “We completely forgot to tell you! Grandpa came up with a new nickname for me, very romantic. Just like Greek goddess I am now!" Grandfather embarrassedly: "No need, stop." Grandmother: "Well, tell me, let the granddaughter know what a happy couple we are!" Grandfather agrees, takes the pose of a ladies' man, stroking his beard and raising his eyebrow, says: "DEMENTIA." .and granny jumps and claps her hands....

I never dared to ask whether they were joking or not.

My son has to go to training and hockey in the morning. In a week it will be 5 years (this is me for reference). My wife usually takes me, I’m already at work by then, but today her circumstances have changed.
I received detailed instructions from my wife: where to wear what clothes, what to feed, what time to leave the house. I lift the guy up and sit him down at the table with a plate of oatmeal. According to the algorithm, he gradually throws the porridge into his mouth without opening his eyes. The zealot in me awakens, and I begin to entertain my son with questions: should I make a sandwich for you? should I turn on cartoons? what cartoons are on in the morning? etc.
The son first answers, and then suddenly says in a calm voice, without opening his eyes:
Dad, can you be silent for two minutes?
I shut up, the template is restored, and then everything goes on without a hitch.

As a child, I was often left with my grandfather. Grandfather is a professor, teaches at the university, and is a respected person by all. But he has a hobby - collecting wines. He proudly calls himself an oenophile. When I was six years old, before entering school, I was taken to an “exam” at a little school. One of the tasks was to name antonyms. For the word “dry” I used the antonym “semi-sweet”. The parents then had a long conversation with the teacher.

I go to the accounting department to sign a paper. The team is female. The ladies are all intelligent: you never hear a bad word, they don’t accept obscene jokes, they think about lofty matters.
Five people available. One is writing, the other is solving a crossword puzzle, two are talking about something. The fifth one is chatting on the phone. Judging by her conversation, she is chatting with her husband, who is slightly ill and complains about his health.
After listening carefully to the sick man, the wife decided to calm him down:
- Don't be sad, honey. It’s better to stick #BALNICHEK out the window and admire the beauty all around: the sun is shining, the birds are singing...
I was simply blown away. And, having signed the paper, he quickly left.

From the life of Belarusian bankers:
We sent a payment in Russian rubles through SBRF to Privatbank - in the payment details it was written “for crushed stone”... an MT195 request comes from Privat “we cannot identify the item of payment” and to it a copy of MT100 from SBRF...
I look, and there the letter “у” has disappeared :)
I wouldn't be able to identify the item of payment either :)

This happened in the evening on the Arkhangelsk-Moscow train in the vestibule in front of the dining car.
I went there for cigarettes. I went into the vestibule and saw three fairly tipsy officers who incredibly wanted to continue the banquet and were indignant that the restaurant doors were closed. Moreover, they knocked on the door very delicately.
I assumed that the restaurant really could not stay open at such a time, and opened another door, which is in such a vestibule and which was not closed. It leads directly to the kitchen. I told the bartenders that the front door did not open. They quickly opened it from the inside.
The officers looked at each other in surprise and one of them said in a slurred voice: “But still, civilians are smarter!..”

I quarreled with my husband and sent him to sleep on the sofa...
I think I'll at least take him a pillow...
I sneak... I leaned over him to quietly slip it to him, and he wakes up and yells: “SORRY... SORRY... JUST NOT SOUL!!!”

I work in a very reputable government office (it will become clear which one later).
I'm sitting in the reception room of a big boss, and one of my rather numerous duties is answering phone calls. There are 7 phones next to me, so I never get bored. From time to time, funny calls amuse me.
Here's one of them.
Shake-jam (landline phone rings). I pick up the phone:
- So-and-so's receptionist, good afternoon!
At the other end of the line, an excited, but not devoid of solemnity, female voice literally says the following:
- Our girl is ready! But we thought about it and decided, there’s no need to go for it, we’ll bring it ourselves now, but where should we go?
I'm falling into a stupor...
- So..., I’m trying to figure out, - what kind of girl?
All sorts of bad thoughts are wandering around in my head... I timidly glance at the boss’s door, but somehow I still feel awkward asking him about the ready-made girl. A brilliant idea comes to mind - to check with the woman.
- Uh-uh, excuse me, which girl? ready for what? and by the way, where are you calling?
- This ambulance for women in labor?
(God! I didn’t even know this existed!)
I sigh with relief, and since I have no need to hide my true place of work, I honestly answer this sweet lady:
- No, no, what are you talking about, this is the Presidential Administration!
The sweetest woman hung up.
I hope her baby girl has a happy delivery!

(Little Fox)

This is the story of a nice man who worked on the airfield in a FOLLOW ME machine, sort of like an airplane valet.
And it was his birthday. A pilot I knew from a foreign flight brought this citizen a healthy bottle of whiskey.
Mikhalych (aka the parking attendant) was thinking - where to hide the bubble? In car? If the security service finds you, they will rip your balls out for drinking on the airfield. Bring it into your closet? They will either drink or drink before the holiday. He took it and put the bubble in his sleeve. And it heats up unnoticeably and at hand :).
I went to meet the board that had just boarded. He escorted him to the parking lot, got out, took the semaphores (two flashlights that help flyers position the steel bird correctly) and waited for the slowly rolling board. Raises his hands up and begins to give the PIC signs. The plane falls into place, a bottle slowly crawls out of Mikhalych’s sleeve, there’s no way to fix it, can you imagine the situation? The only option is to lower your elbow a little and try to press it to your body and push it into your sleeve, which is what was done.
And at this time, the plane, looking at Mikhalych’s manipulations, calmly begins to move to the side and crashes into the lighting mast with the edge of its wing. The pilot, looking at the semaphoring Mikhalych, realized that this was a turn sign and turned.
The edge of the wing is damaged, the crew is in shock, Mikhalych no longer works.
Here's the story.

Here, more than once, a lot has been said about the strange, in our opinion, behavior of Americans in a given situation. I happened to be a participant in two very similar events and now I have something to compare with how I came out of the same situation and as an American.

In short, I decided to make fun of my friend. I went to the g#y site, registered, wrote his email.
Everything would be fine if it weren’t for the message: “A user with this email is already in our database.”

I’m going to the hospital, there’s a shop next to the house, the grandmothers on it, as usual, see them off with piercing glances, and on the house right above the grandmothers there is an inscription: “Video surveillance.”

The story was at school. I was in 9th grade.
Russian lesson. One student writes word combinations at the board, which are dictated by the teacher. Plus sits classroom teacher. It came to the phrase Fill with Lead. Suddenly, at the moment of writing, a cry is heard from the back desk: “Isn’t it possible to fill with Vints separately?”

Once I had lunch with my husband in a cafe, well, we had lunch and left, and after 2 hours it turned out that he had forgotten it on the table there mobile phone. The honest waitress picked up the phone to everyone who called him and said that the phone was left in the cafe.
Let's go pick it up. We got the phone back, and we saw that the text message came from my husband’s mother.
The text is as follows: son, I called you several times - you left your phone in the cafe, pick it up quickly before it gets stolen. :)

Just now, while walking with my son, I heard the sound of breaking glass from an apartment on the second floor, from the direction of my entrance.
Then a male voice:
- Why so bad luck, Lord!
So I realized that I live with cultured people.
Have a nice weekend everyone and cultural neighbors :)

After skiing on Pukhtolova Mountain, my wife and I stopped for lunch at a cafe on the shore of the Gulf of Finland.
She ordered veal, and I ordered lamb egg shish kebab. I haven’t tried it before, I thought it would probably be delicious.
One waitress took the order, and another waitress brought the dishes, a whole tray for two tables. She, therefore, did not know who ordered what. She takes the top dish and shouts: “Who has the lamb’s eggs?”
Well, what could I do... I shout: “I have it!” :((

One day I went into a sporting goods store. At that time there were two buyers, me and a huge short-haired guy who was looking at the bat.
A thick bass sound came from behind me: “Everyone, stand.” This is a robbery.
Turning around I saw a square, older man with a wide smile on his face.
The next moment, the short-haired guy attacked him with a bat. The man managed to look at him in surprise, and the guy put him down with the second blow.
It turned out that it was the owner of the store who came in to collect the rent and decided to make a joke.
The real estate owner, who came to his senses, turned out to be a normal guy; they didn’t call the cops. He escaped with a bruise, and as he said, for a former wrestler this is not a question at all.
And the bat was given to the guy as the best buyer.

Anecdote from life, I witnessed.
In a small bread store in San Francisco, the prices for bread are: Fresh - [$1.50], yesterday's - [$1].
Granny comes into the store and asks the saleswoman:
- Tell me please, do you have yesterday’s bread?
Saleswoman: - It's over.
Granny: - Please tell me, will you still have yesterday’s bread today?

The saga of how Big Man V public toilet walked.
Venue: Park. In the middle of the park there is a large building of the MZh type. Architecture - large stone building, round. The passage to the equipment itself is in a spiral along the wall. Not equipped with electricity.
Evening twilight. I approach this monument of communist architecture, not with thirst, but on the contrary. A two-meter-tall boy with a backpack is walking in front of me in the same direction. Approaching the dark gloomy entrance to the “cave of natural needs”, from which the aroma and suspicious whiteness on the ground spread two meters away, the kid sighs and reaches into his backpack. A respirator emerges from the backpack and is pulled over the face.
It’s hard for me not to pee myself with laughter as I wait for the kid to go inside. Bo, when does something like this come up from behind in the dark...
Yeah. In the dark. Wait a minute! A headlamp with 18 blue bulbs appears from the backpack and is pulled into place. The lantern turns on and this little man begins his journey through the smelly cave. Using the backlight, I position myself behind.
Let's go in. Let's go to the urinals. Let's get up. From behind, where the shocks were, a clenched voice sobbed:
- B%I-I-I-I... thank God that I’m already sitting without pants.

Does anyone remember the movie "Pitch Dark"? There, at the very beginning, “this fucking starship” falls on a very inhospitable planet.
Here, the minibus I was riding on resembled this same starship. And with all the details. IT IS big, but there are few passengers. What is there outside is not visible due to the dirty windows. The bus flies at such a speed that passengers try to fasten themselves to the seats with their own bags. Those who are deprived of this opportunity fly around the cabin. A little more and there will be weightlessness. The GPS navigator does not have time to announce stops; it broadcasts continuously, not always hitting the target, and therefore wheezes and stutters.

And at the moment of a particularly complex and fast turn, the inertia carries the grandfather to the “pilot’s” place. He, tightly clinging to the handrail, takes a box of medicine from his pocket and hands it to the driver:
- Son, here you go good remedy from diarrhea. Have a drink. Otherwise there are twenty people here, I don’t have enough for everyone...
atjitgtn2011

Early 90s. We sit and have a drink with one pretzel. He knows that I have friends in the KGB/FSB. He starts pushing me, like - but I’m not afraid of them, like the times of “bloody hell are over”, that’s it, their time is over.
I tell him, they are excellent psychologists, why should they scare you, they will get you talking anyway, you will tell you everything you know.
My interlocutor responds to this by saying that this can’t happen, I’m not a psychologist myself.
Let me try it for him? Just keep in mind that I’m not a GB officer and you know this in advance, so the effect is not the same.
He answered - let's try.
I begin in an insinuating voice:
- Did you write as a child, did your grandfather suffer from alcoholism, etc.
In general, he relaxed.
And then I bark:
- STAND UP WHEN A COUNTERINTELLIGENCE MAN IS TALKING TO YOU!!!
My friend jumped up, stuttering, and froze. Stupor for a minute.
Then, pouring a new one, he admitted:
- You know, I was actually scared and somehow naturally imagined myself in the dungeons of the State Security Service.

One friend told me who makes his living by laying stoves and fireplaces.
He laid a fireplace for one figure. And when he was already laying out the pipe, he felt that they wanted to swindle him out of money. And the stove maker took action.
When it came time to pay, it turned out that they would give him much less money than had been agreed upon.
He said, “OK, if that’s the case, then try heating your fireplace.”
Greedy lit the fireplace and got a room full of high-quality and dense smoke.
Imbued with the thought that the cunning stove maker had clogged the pipe with something, he stuck the head into the fireplace and looked up. The answer to him was the blue sky in the mouth of the pipe above. He flooded it again - again the room was full of smoke. I looked through the pipe again - the sky was visible.
He had to give the missing money to the stove maker.
After the calculation, the master climbed onto the roof and threw half a brick into the pipe, which broke the glass embedded inside the pipe.
Here's some insurance just in case.

My friend bought himself a new fancy digital camera. He notified me of this great event by telephone, as well as all our friends. In the evening we decided to get together and celebrate this event.
I was a little late and arrived at the bar when everyone had already seen enough of the miracle of technology and it was already safely hidden in the bag. By the time I arrived, they were already so “celebrating” that they naturally forgot why they had gathered in the first place.
Sitting down at the table and extending my hand to my friend, I said, “Honey, show me your device.” In reply - Round eyes friend and the words “right here??? Can’t you wait until home?”
Everyone instantly sobered up and were lying on the tables laughing.
Yes, the difference is in female and male logic - I didn’t specify which device I was asking to show!
At home, I showed him what to think about - ... about the photo!

Almost every person loves it. They especially amuse people short stories, funny and amusing that happened in real life. Such cases will be great entertainment for any company. Short stories, funny, original, cheerful - this is exactly what you need for a pleasant pastime. They are a kind of joke. However, the difference is that taken from real life, they sound much more interesting. You can laugh at these comical, twisted plots for a very long time without stopping.

Short stories. Funny incidents from life

So, if you are planning to relax with friends, rest assured that everyone will enjoy this kind of entertainment. Short stories and funny incidents can instantly lift the spirits of those around you. And if you are endowed with a good memory, you probably have a lot of them. Short stories - funny, kind, comical - about your acquaintances and friends will give you smiles and a lot of positive emotions. Let's consider where various situations most often occur.

Military service

You can often hear, for example, interesting stories from people's lives - funny, short - about the military. For example, this one. A man talks about his time in the army. While he was on duty at a checkpoint, an elderly couple approached him. The woman began to wonder where the tank unit was located nearby. The son allegedly served there, according to her. The duty officer tried to explain to the spouses that there was no tank unit nearby. In response to this, the couple tried desperately to prove that their son would not deceive them. The woman’s last argument was the photograph shown to the duty officer. It showed a young “tanker” with a proud posture, leaning out from the waist up with a lid in his hands in front of him. You can imagine how the soldier on duty laughed. Such interesting stories from people's lives (funny, short) are heard very often among the military.

Cases with documents

Where else can you find funny funny moments? Surprisingly, you can often hear stories from life, funny, short, related to working with documents. Here is one of them. The man needed to obtain a certificate for the notary's office at the State Bureau of Investigation. The office worker asked how urgently he needed the document (the cost of registration for three days is sixty-eight rubles, for two - one hundred and five). The man settled on the second option, since time, as they say, was running out. Having paid money at the cash register, I received the answer: “Come on Monday.” And it was Thursday. The girl explained that they are closed on Saturday and Sunday. “What if I paid for three days?” - asked the man. The girl explained that he would still have to come for a certificate on Monday. “Why did I pay forty rubles more?” - the man asked. "Like this? Time is running out. To get a certificate a day earlier,” the girl explained. Of course, such stories from life, funny and short, can only infuriate you at first. However, over time, you will remember such incidents with a smile on your face.

On a rest

Next option. Short funny stories from real life, related to recreation, are no less popular than the above. A lot of curiosities can be seen on the beach. How fun it was, for example, for vacationers watching the following picture. A married couple with an eight-year-old son was relaxing on the seashore. The family forgot to take the Panama hats with them. The wife went to the room to get some hats, leaving the child with the father. When she returned, she did not see her husband, but her son... He was buried in the sand. One head stuck out. To the question “Where is dad?” the boy replied: “He’s swimming!” “Why are you here?” - asked the mother. The child cheerfully declared: “Dad buried it so that I wouldn’t get lost!” Of course, it’s hard to call such an act serious, but everyone had fun!

Abroad

Short funny stories from real life sometimes continue, developing into longer, drawn-out ones. The guide tells one of them. A group of Russian tourists (hockey players) went on a boat excursion along a mountain river. Often, guides provoke water fights between vacationers. This time the Germans became rivals for the Russians. Moreover, the excursion was held on May 9...

One could imagine how excited the hockey players were when they found out who they were fighting against. With shouts of “For the Motherland!” and “For victory!” They furiously splashed their oars through the water. However, they quickly got tired of this too. Turning over the objecting guide along the way, they rushed at the enemy directly on the boats, quickly turning them over into the water.

It would seem that the fun is over. But in the evening the following fact emerged: both groups settled in the same hotel. The hockey players loudly celebrated their “victory” right by the pool, singing patriotic songs. The Germans didn’t even leave their rooms.

At work

Very often there are also funny stories from people's lives (short) in the workplace. For example, this case. One man bought himself a book on Bringing it to work, he decided to try it on his colleagues. His employee wanted to “check” her daughter. The man agreed. The next day, a colleague brought an envelope with a note. Having opened it, the man immediately said: “Your daughter is 14 years old. She is an excellent student. Loves horse riding and dancing." The woman was simply shocked and immediately ran to tell her friends about everything. The man didn’t even have time to tell her about the contents of the note: “I’m an excellent student, I’m 14 years old, I love horses and dancing. And mom thinks you’re a liar.”

Cases with animals

Funny stories from short and not only, quite often they are also connected with our smaller brothers. For example, such an interesting incident happened to a middle-aged man. A tired old dog once came into the courtyard of his private house. However, the animal was fattened and had a collar on its neck. That is, it was absolutely obvious that the dog was well taken care of and had a home. The dog approached the man, allowed himself to be petted, and followed him into the hallway. Walking slowly through it, he lay down in the corner of the living room and fell asleep. About an hour later the dog came to the door. The man released the animal.

The next day, at about the same time, the dog came to him again, “greeted”, lay down in the same corner and slept again for about an hour. His “visits” lasted for several weeks. Finally, the man decided to be curious about what was going on, and pinned a note to his collar with the following content: “Sorry, but I want to know who is the owner of this sweet, wonderful animal and whether he knows that the dog sleeps at my house every day.” The next day the dog came with the “answer” attached. The note read: “The dog lives in a house with six kids. Two of them were not yet three years old. He wants to get some sleep. Will you allow me to come with him tomorrow?”

The youth

It happens that funny stories bring others to tears. Short stories from the lives of young people are especially common among students, applicants, and high school students. However, this case is not like that. No one was offended or disappointed. Two young guys were leisurely walking along the streets of the city. Having stopped near a kiosk with a press, where various stationery and other small items are also sold, they decided to buy a small ball with an elastic band that flies merrily if you pull it - just for fun, as they say. The problem was one thing: the guys didn’t know the name of this toy. One of the boys, pointing to the ball, turned to the saleswoman: “Give me that fennie over there!” "What to give?" - the woman asked. “Fenka!” - repeated the young man. The guys left with their purchase. The next day they passed this kiosk again. A price tag with the inscription “Fenka” appeared on the display window near the ball.

Cases with children

Funny short stories will definitely make people smile if we are talking about kids. Here is an incident that happened to a three-year-old boy. Big Friendly family gathered together at one table. The child sat and calmly watched his grandmother and mother fry pancakes. All this time he just quietly said: “This is all mine. I'll eat first. Anyone who eats without me will be punished!” The women finally finished cooking and stacked the pancakes on a plate. The family took out the jam and began to sit down at the table. The boy was the last to wash his hands. Before that, he warned everyone: “I will leave. But I’ll count all the pancakes so you don’t eat without me.” Next to the plate came the following sound: “One, two, five, twenty, thirty... That’s it!” Do not touch!" When the child returned, one pancake had been eaten. The boy began to shout: “I told you, you can’t eat without me!” The relatives asked: “Did you really count?” To this the kid replied: “Are you not thinking straight? I can't count! I flipped the top pancake!”

It really turned out funny. After all, none of the adults could guess to turn the top pancake over with the fried side down.

Hospital stories

Very often, comical incidents occur within the walls of medical institutions. As a rule, interesting stories (funny, short) from maternity hospitals about young fathers are the most common among them. For example, this one. One man's wife gave birth. The couple were expecting twins. However, they did not know the gender of their future children. The woman gave birth to a girl and a boy. An excited man was waiting for the doctor at the door of the room. Finally, the midwife appeared. Her father ran up to her with the question: “Twins?” "Yes!" - the woman answered. Husband, smiling: “Boys?” She: “No!” Dad, smiling even wider: “Girls?” Midwife: “No!” The husband, dumbfounded: “Who?” There are many such cases happening every day.

On road

Real funny stories, short and long, are often associated with traffic police officers. At one of the motor depots in Novosibirsk, for example, such a case is known. There was one short driver who worked there. When he was driving the KrAZ, he was not even visible from the outside. One day a driver went on a flight without securing the rear license plate on the car. He just put it in the glove compartment. As usually happens in such cases, a traffic police officer was standing at the intersection. Seeing the car without a driver, he was very surprised and whistled. The driver found a way out of the situation. He positioned the car so that he could slip out of the second door unnoticed and secure the number. It's risky, but it's the only way avoid a fine. So the car stopped. The patrolman slowly approached, stood and, without waiting for anyone, looked inside. Of course, he was very puzzled, looking at the empty cabin. Meanwhile, the driver secured the number, and everyone returned to their seats. The traffic police officer was even more surprised when, obeying the command of his baton, the empty car started up and drove on.

That's just funny

And one moment. A lot also depends simply on a person’s mood. Funny short stories may not have a so-called special plot. It happens that a person is simply cheerful and joyful in his soul. As they say, I got a laugh in my mouth. This is most likely explained by the fact that people face various stresses every day, minor and not so much. All this, of course, is deposited inside each of us, adversely affecting nervous system. A person, of course, does not always remember this. But all these unpleasant moments remain in my memory. Accordingly, the body has to perform nervous discharge from time to time. After all, laughter heals. Thus, the healing process manifests itself in the form of a cheerful mood.

Therefore, it is not at all surprising that this happens from time to time. You can walk down the street with absolutely absurd thoughts in your head, look at those around you, and you will feel funny. Their clothes, their gait, and their facial expressions can amuse you. By trying to hold back your laughter and smile, you thereby provoke a response from those you meet. Well, if suddenly some other incident happens... For example, a gust of wind throws a piece of paper, or a bag, or something like that in your face, this story will seem especially funny to you. And this, it’s worth reminding once again, is not gloating at all! It's just a fight against stress in our body! Laughter prolongs our life!