It is impossible to prepare for death. Every person has experienced the loss of loved ones, family members, so many people are familiar with the pain of loss.

But often we do not know how to reassure and support the grieving person, how to express words of condolences in connection with the death of his loved ones.

note! Condolences should be offered to a grieving person in mandatory. This is a tribute.

But it is worth remembering that after the death of loved ones, people are in a stressful, shock state. Words of condolences regarding death are chosen carefully and carefully.

Examples of condolences on the occasion of death in your own words to the relatives of the deceased:

1. “I was shocked by the event. It is difficult to accept and come to terms with.
2. “Let me share with you the pain of loss.”
3. “The news of his death was a terrible blow.”
4. “I sympathize with your pain.”
5. “We are sorry for your loss.”
6. “My condolences.”
7. “I was shocked by his death. I will pray for his soul."
8. “The deceased meant a lot to us, it’s a pity that he left us.”
9. “Grief cannot be expressed in words, but you can always count on our support in difficult times.”
10. "We mourn with you."

Sometimes it is better to briefly express grief.

Short and sincere words of sympathy:

1. "Hold on."
2. “Be strong.”
3. "I'm sorry".
4. "My condolences".
5. "Sorry".
6. "It's a tough loss."

If the person grieving deeply believes in God, then the following words of sorrow are spoken:

1. "The Kingdom of heaven".
2. "Rest in peace".
3. “Lord, rest with the Saints!”
4. "May peace be upon his ashes."
5. "Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven."

Table: rules for presenting words of condolences

What not to say

Everyone wants to support the bereaved. But there are a number of words and expressions that are not appropriate at a funeral. Expressions can cause anger, aggression, resentment.

What not to do:

1. Comfort with the future. When your baby dies, don’t say “you’re still young, give birth again.” It's tactless.

   It is difficult for parents to accept the loss of their own child, because they rejoiced at him and dreamed of the future.

   The words “don’t worry, you’re young, you’re still getting married” sound “like saying goodbye to your beloved.” It's cruel. For people who have lost children, spouses, parents at the time of their funeral, there is no future.

   They are not ready to think about it. Their pain at the time of loss is intense and painful.

2. Look for the extreme. If there is a culprit in the death, do not remind about it. It is forbidden to say what would have happened if they had acted differently. It is not recommended to blame the deceased.

   Examples: “it was his own fault, he drank a lot of alcohol,” “this is his punishment for his sins.” Do not defame the memory of the deceased, because it is not for nothing that they say that one should only speak well of the dead.

3. Ask you to stop crying. The mourner must mourn the deceased and calm the soul.

Prohibited phrases:

1. « Death has taken its toll, don't shed your tears" A person in a phase of acute shock does not completely understand what happened, that his loved one has passed away forever. Such words sound cruel.
2. « Don't worry, everything will work out" - sounds like a fairy tale or a cruel mockery. The person is not ready to accept such a statement; he does not believe that the pain will go away and life will get better.
3. « Time cures" Even time cannot heal mental wounds. The pain of loss will always be there. Any person who has experienced death will confirm this.
4. « So he suffered, he feels good there" If the deceased was very ill, then words are unlikely to calm the mourner.

   He has one desire - to see his loved one nearby, and not to think that he is happy in heaven.

5. « Think about it, it’s even worse for others, at least you still have family" Don't use comparisons. Respect the person's pain.
6. « I understand how much it hurts" is a common and tactless phrase. Understanding a mourner is difficult.

Never devalue a loss with the words “it’s good that you weren’t hurt”, “think about your children, parents”, etc.

For those who mourn, death is a shock to life. He is not ready to look for positive aspects in the loss of loved ones.

Important! It is worth remembering that condolences are offered from the heart. But this does not mean that you are allowed to say whatever comes to mind.

Grieving people do not perceive reality well, their subconscious is clouded with grief and resentment, so you should not provoke the person.

During the shock phase, one should not be interested in the details of the death of the deceased.

Condolences in writing

Don't condole:

• In verse.
• By SMS.

This is neglect. A funeral is not a place for poetry, and it is better to replace an SMS with a phone call. If you can’t call, you can express your condolences in writing.

Sample text:

• « We deeply mourn the death of the deceased. He was an amazing, kind and well-mannered person, surprising with his joy and spontaneity.

  It’s difficult to write, my hand can’t hold a pen due to grief, but I still have to. We are sorry that this happened, but we are happy that fate brought us together with such amazing person. Peace be upon him on earth and in heaven.”

• « The news of the loss struck my mind. I convey my condolences and express my deep respect to the deceased.”
• « It’s difficult to find words when a storm and the bitterness of loss are raging in your soul.. I can't believe this happened. Our condolences. We are praying for him."

Choose sensitive phrases that do not go beyond morality. The text should briefly acknowledge the loss and support the relatives of the deceased.

When writing a letter to relatives, describe the memories associated with it. When writing a text to a colleague, remember his business and personal qualities.

Useful video

Related Posts

Funeral words of grief for the deceased

Condolences are mourning words of sorrow who express sympathy over death. Sincere condolences provide for the format of a personal, personal appeal - verbal or text.

Within or in public, condolences are also appropriate, but there must be expressed briefly. In an expression of sympathy from a believer, you can add: "We pray for ___". More information about the rules of condolences can be found on the Epitaph.ru website.

Etiquette Muslim condolences It is distinguished by a fatal attitude towards death and acceptance of loss, as well as clear requirements for rituals, clothing, behavior, symbols, and gestures.

Examples of condolences

Universal short words of grief

In the case when words of condolences are pronounced after the burial or on the day of the funeral, you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “May the earth rest in peace!” If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete words of condolences, for example “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of assistance. Count on me!

• I'm shocked by this sad news. It's hard to accept. I share your pain of loss...
• My heart is broken by yesterday's news. I worry with you and remember ___ with the warmest words! It's hard to accept the loss of ___! Everlasting memory!
• The news of ___'s death is a terrible blow! It hurts to even think that we won't see him/her again. Please accept my and my husband's condolences for your loss!
• Until now, the news of ___'s death seems like a ridiculous mistake! It's impossible to comprehend this! Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
• My condolences! It hurts to even think about it, it’s hard to talk about. I sympathize with your pain! Everlasting memory ___!
• It's hard to put into words how much ___ and I feel for your loss ___! A golden man, of which there are few! We will always remember him/her!
• “This is an incredible, catastrophic loss. The loss of a real person, an idol, an exemplary family man and a citizen of his country" (about Ilya Segalovich). .
• We sympathize with your loss! The news of ___'s death shocked our entire family. We remember and will remember ___ as a most worthy person. Please accept our sincere condolences!
• It's small consolation, but know that we are with you in the grief of your loss ___ and our hearts go out to your entire family! Everlasting memory!
• “Words cannot express all the pain and sadness. Like a bad dream. Eternal peace to your soul, our dear and beloved Zhanna!(Grave and)
• An unfathomable loss! We all mourn the loss of ___, but of course it’s even harder for you! We sincerely sympathize with you and will remember you all our lives! We would like to provide any help you need at this moment. Count on us!
• Sad... I respect and remember ___ and am truly sorry for your loss! The least I can do today is to help in some way. At least I have four free seats in car.

Condolences on the death of mother and grandmother

• I was stunned by this terrible news. For me, ___ is a hospitable hostess, a kind woman, but for you... The loss of your mother... I sympathize with you so much and cry with you!
• We are very... very upset beyond words! It’s hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is a grief for which there is no cure. Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
• ___ was a model of delicacy and tact. Her memory will be as endless as her kindness to all of us. The passing of a mother is an incomparable grief. Please accept my deepest condolences!
• A grief incomparable to anything! And I have no words to ease your pain. But I know that she would not like to see your despair. Be strong! Tell me, what could I take on these days?
• We are happy that we knew ___. Her kind disposition and generosity surprised us all, and that is how she will be remembered! It is difficult to express our grief in words - it is too great. Let the kindest memories and bright memories of her be at least a small consolation!
• The news of ___'s departure came as a shock to us. We can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. At such moments we feel abandoned, but remember that you have friends who loved and appreciated your mother. Count on our help!
• Words cannot heal a terrible wound in the heart. But bright memories of ___, how honestly and honorably she lived her life, will always be stronger than death. In the bright memory of her, we are with you forever!
• They say they love their grandchildren even more than their children. We felt this love of our grandmother to the fullest. This love will warm us all our lives, and we will pass on some of its warmth to our children and grandchildren...
• Losing loved ones is very difficult... And the loss of a mother is the loss of a part of yourself... Mom will always be missed, but may the memory of her and the warmth of a mother always be with you!
• Words cannot heal this wound of loss. But the bright memory of ___, who lived her life honestly and with dignity, will be stronger than death. We are with you in eternal memory of her!
• Her whole life was spent in countless labors and worries. We will always remember her as such a warm-hearted and soulful woman!
• Without parents, without mother, there is no one between us and the grave. May wisdom and perseverance help you get through these most difficult days. Hold on!
• The paragon of virtue has passed away from ___! But she will stay guiding star for all of us who remember, love and honor her.
• It is ___ that can be dedicated to kind words: “She whose actions and deeds came from the soul, from the heart.” May she rest in peace!
• The life she lived has a name: “Virtue.” ___ is the source of life, faith and love for loving children and grandchildren. The Kingdom of heaven!
• How much we didn’t tell her during her lifetime!
• Please accept my sincere condolences! What a man! ___, just as she lived modestly and quietly, she left humbly, as if a candle had gone out.
• ___ involved us in good deeds, and thanks to her we became better people. For us, ___ will forever remain a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
• Your mother was a smart and bright person... Many, like me, will feel that the world has become poorer without her.

Condolences on the death of husband, father, grandfather

• We are deeply saddened by the news of your father's death. He was fair and strong man, a faithful and sensitive friend. We knew him well and loved him like a brother.
• Our family mourns with you. The loss of such reliable support in life is irreplaceable. But remember that we would be honored to help you any minute you need it.
• My condolences, ___! The death of a beloved husband is the loss of oneself. Hang in there, these are the hardest days! We mourn together with your grief, we are close...
• Today everyone who knew ___ mourns with you. This tragedy does not leave anyone close to us indifferent. I will never forget my comrade, and I consider it my duty to ___ to support you on any occasion, should you contact me.
• I'm so sorry that ___ and I had disagreements at one time. But I always appreciated and respected him as a person. I apologize for my moments of pride and offer you my help. Today and always.
• Thanks to your statements about his [quality or good deeds], it seems to me that I always knew him. I sympathize with you about the death of such a loved one and a soul so close to you! Rest in peace…
• I am truly sorry for the loss of your dad. This is a very sad and sad time for you. But good memories are what will help you survive this loss. Your father lived a long and bright life and achieved success and respect in it. We also join in the words of friends’ grief and memories of ___.
• I sincerely sympathize with you... What a person, what a personality! He deserves more words than can be said right now. In the memories of ___, he is both our teacher of justice and mentor in life. Eternal memory to him!
• Without a father, without parents, there is no one between us and the grave. But ___ set an example of courage, perseverance and wisdom. And I'm sure that he wouldn't want you to grieve like that right now. Be strong! I sincerely sympathize with you.
• Your shock at the onset of loneliness is a severe shock. But you have the strength to overcome grief and continue what he did not manage to do. We are nearby, and we will help with everything - contact us! It is our duty to remember ___!
• We mourn with you in this difficult moment! ___ is the kindest man, free of silver, lived for his neighbors. We sympathize with your loss and join you in the kindest and brightest memories of your husband.
• We're sorry for your loss! We sympathize - the loss is irreplaceable! Intelligence, iron will, honesty and justice... - we are lucky to work with such a friend and colleague! We would like to ask him for forgiveness for so many things, but it’s too late... Eternal memory to a mighty man!
• Mom, we mourn and cry with you! Our sincere gratitude from children and grandchildren and warm memories of a good father and good grandfather! Our memory of ___ will be eternal!
• Blessed are those whose memory will be as bright as ___. We will remember and love him forever. Be strong! ___ it would be easier if he knew that you could handle all this.
• My condolences! Recognition, respect, honor, and... eternal memory!
• They say about such open-hearted people: “How much of ours went with you! How much of yours remains with us! We will remember ___ forever and pray for him!

Condolences on the death of a friend, brother, sister, loved one or loved one

• Accept my condolences! It has never been more expensive or closer, and probably never will be. But both in yours and in our hearts he will remain young, strong, full of life person. Everlasting memory! Hold on!
• It is difficult to find the right words in this difficult moment. I mourn with you! Small consolation will be that not everyone has had the opportunity to experience such love as yours. But may ___ remain alive in your memory, full of strength and love! Everlasting memory!
• There is such wisdom: “It’s bad if there is no one to take care of you. It’s even worse if there’s no one to take care of you.” I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be so sad. Let's ask his mother what we can do to help her now.
• My condolences to you! Through life hand in hand, but you have suffered this bitter loss. It is necessary, it is necessary to find the strength to survive these most difficult moments and difficult days. In our memory he will remain ___.
• It is very bitter to lose your loved ones and relatives, but it is doubly bitter when young, beautiful, strong people leave us. May God rest his soul!
• I would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it is difficult to imagine whether such words exist on earth at all. Bright and eternal memory!
• I mourn with you in this difficult moment. It’s scary to even imagine that half of you has left. But for the sake of the children, for the sake of loved ones, we need to get through these sorrowful days. Invisibly, he will always be there - in the soul and in our eternal memory of this bright man.
• Love will not die, and the memory of it will always illuminate our hearts!
• … this too shall pass …
• For all of us, he will remain an example of love of life. And may his love for life illuminate the emptiness and grief of loss and help you survive the time of farewell. We mourn with you in difficult times and will remember ___ forever!
• The past cannot be returned, but the bright memory of this love will remain with you for the rest of your life. Be strong!
• Be strong! With the loss of your brother, you must become a support for your parents twice. May God help you get through these difficult moments! Happy memory to a bright man!
• There are such mournful words: “A loved one does not die, but simply ceases to be around.” In your memory, in your soul, your love will be eternal! We also remember ___ with a kind word.

Condolences to a believer, a Christian

All of the above is appropriate in expressing support in difficult times of loss for both the believer and the secular person. A Christian, Orthodox, can add a ritual phrase to his condolences, turn to prayer or quote from the Bible:

• God is merciful!
• God bless you!
• Everyone is alive for God!
• This man was blameless, just and God-fearing, and shunned evil!
• Lord, rest with the Saints!
• Death destroys the body, but saves the soul.
• God! Receive the spirit of your servant in peace!
• Only in death, the mournful hour, does the soul find freedom.
• God takes a mortal through life before turning him to the light.
• The righteous will certainly live, says the Lord!
• Her heart /(his) trusted in the Lord!
• Immortal soul, immortal deeds.
• May the Lord show mercy and truth to him/her!
• Righteous deeds are not forgotten!
• Most Holy Theotokos, protect him (her) with your protection!
• The days of our lives are not numbered by us.
• Everything returns to normal.
• Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God!
• Blessed peace to your ashes!
• Kingdom of heaven and eternal peace!
• And those who have done good will find the resurrection of life.
• Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
• And on earth she smiled like an angel: what is there in heaven?

P.S. Once again about active personal participation. For many families, even a small financial contribution to the future will be a valuable help in this difficult moment.

I think there are several reasons why your support methods are not working. I'll tell you about them. I stepped on all these rake myself. As a result, it turns out that there is a very simple principles that are worth following. We will also talk about strong feelings and about daily support. As a result, you will learn to support even people you barely know with just a few phrases.

Why is this important, why even understand how to support a person in difficult times?

It’s just that if you manage to really help, the person will remember you as a true friend. I can give two very striking examples for me. Although from the outside they may seem very simple.

I have a friend who you can call at three in the morning. With any bullshit (sorry, there’s no other way to say it). Horrible dream, bad news, broken heart, nervous about something. You can just pick it up and call. And it's mutual. No, we first write an SMS:“Can I call now?”and then having received an unequivocal “yes, of course,” we call each other. It seems to me that the need for this appears approximately once every two years, hardly more often. But it's priceless. The one who listens usually doesn't do anything magical. He is simply ready to listen and use the right words to remind you that not everything is bad. Then you can calmly go to sleep: you don’t want to cry anymore after you’ve drunk.

And there is another friend. I once called her when my back hurt very badly and I needed to get to the clinic. I had a boyfriend, but I wasn’t ready to ask him to come home from work for this. He gave the go-ahead for me to take a taxi and told me to call if anything happened. And in theory, this was a completely feasible task for me. Except for a couple of very awkward nuances for me. I couldn't tie my shoelaces. (And for some reason this is even more important to me than being able to go to the toilet on my own). And I was afraid that something unpleasant would happen during the trip, even though there were no prerequisites for this. It's just scary that's all. At that moment, both of these reasons seemed shameful to me.

It's more than embarrassing to bother someone for such bullshit. So it seemed to me. But I called this friend of mine. I knew for sure that I would call her. Why exactly to her - I don’t know. She didn’t have to explain about the laces, or the pain, or anything. She just said she would come. And then everything was fine. I wasn't alone. She, of course, hardly remembers this incident. But for me, she remains the very person you can call to tie your shoelaces, simply because you need it. It is clear that for her sake I am ready to come anywhere.

Do you agree that being able to support on time and be there on time is something very important? If yes, like it and let's try to figure out what the magic is.

So, how to support a loved one? What conclusions would you draw from these stories?

So why don’t the usual ones work:

“Oh yeah, don’t worry. Let's go have a drink. Let's watch a movie. Why are you so upset? Yes, everything will be fine! Well, if I were you, I would do this, this and that!”

1) It is important to join the person, and not try to knock him out of his sad state.At the very least, it is always important to start with connection, real CO-FEELING. It is important to plunge into the same story for a while. Because there is something very important in it for you loved one. Otherwise... if it didn't affect anything important... He himself wouldn't worry so much. And if you immediately say, “Oh, forget it,” a person may unconsciously read into this: “your values ​​and your experiences are bullshit!” But it's difficult. This about , about intimacy. If you do this sincerely, you will actually feel a little uncomfortable.

2) Why don’t advice help, and sometimes even have the opposite effect? What are the right words to support someone? I remember this once and for all from the second course after one of the psychological groups. We sorted out the request of one of the participants. At the end, everyone in a circle gives him feedback and support. Naturally there is a lot of advice. And finally, the “hero of the day” himself shares his final impressions. So here’s a common story: “It seems to me that I’m a complete fool. You offer such sensible things, tell how you successfully got out of such stories. I’m starting to feel like I’m the only such loser.” This is paradoxical - but this is a common effect. One SINCERELY tries to support by telling his, and those who listen only become sadder for themselves. How to choose words of support?

• You can talk about your feelings and your attitude: “I'm worried about you. I'm sad to hear this too. I’m also a little confused when you told me everything in detail.”
• You can also use words to make it clear that you are ready to just be there, no matter what happens. "I'm with you". I remember my dad once at a difficult moment family history said, “No matter what, you are my daughter and always will be, and I love you.” Then these were the very words that calmed me down very much.
• You can talk about your similar FAILED experiences, your similar “wrong” experiences. After all, during periods of difficulty, we often feel that we are somehow not very good... Hearing that you are not the only such idiot can be very valuable.
• Advice helps when a person feels better, when he is heard, when he has some strength to do something. This can be seen from him if you look closely. His face changes. Well, advice is good when it’s neutral ideas, like a tool. What to do with these tools, when and which one to use, is up to the individual to decide. And again, it’s good when the advice is just part of your story, which he can listen to if he wants, and not doing good to the subject.

3) Distract - good way, when both are already tired of crying.Smiley. It is impossible to talk for too long about important difficult topics. Joking, being ironic and being distracted by something is also very important. Good psychologists By the way, a lot of wisecracks will be made during consultations. And that's spot on. And it's very funny. But you need to correctly sense the moment when it really matters, when you need to turn down the heat a little.And for this it is important to be a lively, interesting, enthusiastic person yourself.Otherwise, there is no way to pull the other one out of the quagmire. Otherwise, looking at you and your equally sad and compassionate look, he simply won’t believe you that “everything will be fine.”

4) Even if he is sad, he is not a fool.For some reason, there is a myth that if a person is sad or bad, then he cannot cope. This means he needs to give a whole bunch of advice. But no, this is not always the case. Almost all of us, even in very difficult times, life periods there in my head rough plan actions or options on what to do. We just doubt, worry, are temporarily confused or very tired. Believe me. I've worked with hundreds of people. Everyone always has at least some plan of action. Especially if you support the person, listen to him, calm him down a little - the answer to the question “what do you think you should do about it?” no, no, yes there will be.The main thing is to have time to ask this question BEFOREhis lecture on how to live.

5) Follow the clues.A person in need of help almost always makes it clear in one way or another that he can help him now. Non-verbal. Maybe he is cold, maybe he wants to philosophize and needs a listener, maybe he wants to take a walk or just be alone for a while. Or be with you, but at the same time remain silent. Don't be afraid to just BE CLOSE to a person who is feeling bad. Just being close to someone who is crying. There is no urgent need to change anything. You are not an emergency room doctor on duty. You don't have any super responsibility. Just sit next to each other in the same puddle. Helping people sometimes get carried away with THEMSELVES, what advice they know, what books they read, what mom said, what they write on the Internet... the anxiety from the need to save someone who has shed a tear at all costs is so overwhelming that you have the strength to JUST PAY ATTENTION for the one who is sad there is no longer enough.

6) Ask: “How can I help you?”. Yes, everything ingenious is simple. But the trick is that when you ask this question, you don’t need to offer options. You need to do a very difficult thing: be silent. Just be quiet and listen to what the person has to say. If he says: “I don’t know,” you can ask: “Just think about it!..” If he says again: “I don’t know,” say, “Please, when you figure it out, let me know, okay?” - and stay calm for another minute, silently nearby.

7) How to support your loved one in normal everyday activities?Firstly, all the tips listed above work. Just a lower degree of drink. About that, I already wrote. And besides all this, it helps to know in detail how he is doing. What is going on with a person, what are his plans, difficulties, doubts, desires, dreams? What does he think is stopping him? What does he see that could help him? What does he think he can do? This helps a lot. Although by and large it is quite simple.

This is a story about love. All this requires courage. What other courage is there, what is frightening about this? It requires a willingness to be truly close to someone.

Write your stories of true support and your advice on this topic in the comments below.
Your family psychologist, Elena Zaitova.

Has your girlfriend, boyfriend or stranger had an accident? Do you want to support and comfort him, but you don’t know how best to do this? What words can be said and what words should not be said? Passion.ru will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

• Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that is happening, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite,.
• Suffering phase. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory and sleep. The person also experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, and lethargy. Stomach pain and a feeling of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he may idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
• Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. Characterized by restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan your activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less often.
• Recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief gives way to sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly, yes. If the victim is not given help, this can lead to infections, accidents, and depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as best you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person is not listening to you or is not paying attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console strangers? If you feel sufficient moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person doesn’t push you away, doesn’t run away, doesn’t scream, then you’re doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in consoling people you know and people you don't know? Actually - no. The only difference is that you know one person more, another less. Once again, if you feel empowered, then help. Stay close, talk, involve general activities. Don't be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's consider methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.

Shock phase

Your behavior:

• Don't leave the person alone.
• Touch the victim unobtrusively. You can take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, pat your loved ones on the head, or hug. Monitor the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch or does he push away? If it pushes you away, don’t impose yourself, but don’t leave.
• Make sure that the person being consoled rests more and does not forget about meals.
• Keep the victim occupied with simple activities, such as some funeral work.
• Listen actively. A person may say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and keep returning to emotional experiences. Avoid advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply talk through his experiences and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

• Talk about the past in the past tense.
• If you know the deceased, tell him something good about him.

You can't say:

• “You can’t recover from such a loss,” “Only time heals,” “You are strong, be strong.” These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
• “Everything is God’s will” (helps only deeply religious people), “I’m tired of it,” “He will be better there,” “Forget about it.” Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, since they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
• “You are young, beautiful, you will get married/have a child.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And they tell him to dream.
• “If only the ambulance had arrived on time,” “If only the doctors had paid more attention to her,” “If only I hadn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.
  

  Your behavior:

• In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
• Give the victim plenty of water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
• Organize for him physical activity. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
• If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing so. Help him cry. - cry with him.
• If it does, don’t interfere.

Your words:

• If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the area of ​​​​feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings.” Tell me how you feel.
• Tell me that this suffering will not last forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
• Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. Tactfully avoiding these topics hurts more than mentioning the tragedy.

You can't say:

• “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
• “And someone has it worse than you.” Such topics can help, parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare one person's grief with another's. Conversations that involve comparison can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

There is no point in telling the victim: “If you need help, contact/call me” or asking him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little, take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema. Sometimes this has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to seem intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.

How to support someone if you are far away?

Call him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write an SMS or email e-mail. Express your condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the deceased from the brightest sides.

Remember that helping a person overcome grief is necessary, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, this will help not only him to cope with the loss. If the loss also affected you, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less damage to your own mental state. And this will also save you from feelings of guilt - you won’t reproach yourself for the fact that you could have helped, but didn’t, brushing aside other people’s troubles and problems.

Olga VOSTOCHNAYA,
psychologist

How to help, what to do and what not to do..

Usually people think that they need to cry loudly, violently express their emotions, lament and feel sorry for someone who has lost a loved one. But for those who have lost a loved one, this only makes things worse. You can help him only by following some of the recommendations from this article that you consider most suitable for this case. Calm down, monitor the situation. what words must be said, what can harm... we will try to answer all questions.

When silence is golden

The death of a loved one is exactly the case when silence is golden. Passionate speeches, regrets, enumeration of virtues lost person can only make it more painful for his loved ones. Therefore, you just need to hug the person, stay with him for a while, listen to him and caress him. Sometimes just to be close, because at this time it’s hard for him to be alone. He may even be afraid to be alone in a room, and he cannot sleep alone when there is no one in his apartment. Therefore, silent support is often stronger than loud words and exclamations. Stay with someone who has lost a loved one not only during the funeral, but also simply try to visit him more often, come without asking, call and visit him, often with an overnight stay, if possible. Often this is the best thing that can help a person in grief.

How to talk about what happened

Do not interrupt someone who wants to tell you about the death of someone dear to him. Listen silently to his story, but do not answer questions or agree with him. You can simply hug him and tell him that you envy his endurance and patience, and that you definitely could not cope with such grief. This should make the person feel better, but it will not change his general condition.

A normal grief reaction lasts at least two weeks. This is a time of tears, reasoning about the meaning of life and what happened, awareness of loss and acceptance of it as a fact. And during this period it is really dangerous to leave a person alone with his suffering. Especially if he considers himself guilty of what happened, or considers himself to blame for the death of someone else. Therefore, the argument that he is to blame for the death of a loved one should be immediately translated into another direction, without trying to convince the person. You can also say the following phrase: “If I had known where I would fall, I would have laid down some straw.” Or something like this: “Life often places dangers where we don’t see them.” You should not interrupt the chain of reasoning, since from them you can learn not only the necessary details, but also a person’s suspicions.

Very often, those who have lost their son or daughter begin to blame themselves, their child’s husband or wife, for what happened, especially if the death was unnatural and violent. Sometimes they are ready to attack with fierce hatred those who were nearby, did not keep track, did not watch their child, without listening to the arguments of reason and logic. There is no need to interrupt a person in this state, but when he speaks out, you can ask him a question based on what you hear. For example, like this: “Maybe they had a fight and the daughter went home alone?” or something like that, which may raise doubts about the evil intent of the one who was nearby. Because until a person accepts the loss and understands: what happened is just a fatal coincidence of circumstances. It is useless to prove to him the innocence of someone he suspects. It is possible that after some time he himself will understand this.

It usually takes an average of two weeks for a person to process grief and come to terms with the loss. But if this period drags on and the symptoms of grief do not go away, you need to take action. It is possible that you cannot do without the help of a qualified psychologist, and sometimes a psychiatrist. A conversation with a priest who is well versed in this topic and who, as part of his duty, has to console the relatives of the dying can have a good healing effect.

And finally, when it is impossible to reassure someone who has lost a loved one, you can say the following phrase: “Do you think your daughter wants to see you suffer? Does she need it? Will your tears help her? afterlife?. Usually such words can sober and calm. And when the external manifestations of grief become quieter, then suffering for the deceased will begin to be experienced less acutely.

How to understand that a person has accepted a loss

He began to cry less and talk about what happened. He began to try to start his normal life, which was abandoned when he was in a state of grief. For example, he began to cook himself and wanted to clean his room not just to escape from gloomy thoughts, but to start life over.

A grief-stricken person is no longer afraid to spend the night alone in an apartment and can sleep peacefully in his room. The clothes he began to wear are also important. Very often, a sign of getting out of depression is changing the black color in clothes to a brighter and more cheerful one. And the last sign that the loss has been accepted is the disappearance of nightmares and the appearance of the first sincere smile on a person’s face.