Fragment of the book Mlodik I.Yu. Where you are not yet... Psychotherapy as liberation from illusions. - M.: Genesis, 2010

What to do when your soul hurts? You can go to friends, wise older adults, fortune tellers or priests. They will help, support with advice, and everything will be fine, you will feel better... But at every new stage, life poses new tasks that need to be solved. And then it turns out that the problem is not as simple as it seemed at first, and on our own can't cope. That's when a psychotherapist comes to the rescue.

Freeing yourself from illusions

If your soul hurts...

Every person has a toothache at least once in their life, well, at least once. And then he knows what to do - go to the dentist. He has no doubt that he cannot cope without the help of a specially trained person. He goes and gets help. It's simple.

But what to do if it’s not your teeth that hurt, but your soul? Or even the soul does not hurt, but there are problems, insomnia, everything is not as we would like. A person lives for himself, but there is no happiness, continuous troubles and melancholy. Then where to go? They often turn to friends, priests, and wise adults. They read books, go to fortune tellers to find out the future, to clairvoyants and psychics to remove damage. And it helps! And good.

All of the above will listen, share their experience with you, give advice, and remove the damage. You will feel better... until your next problem arises. And they will certainly come, not because there is something wrong with you, but because at every stage life presents us with new tasks that we all have to solve. And then what should you do, should you really run again to those who give advice regarding your unique situation and unique life?

A consultation usually takes an hour, and what the client who contacts us leaves with is some new vision of his problem, slightly expanded horizons, a slightly different, previously invisible focus. For some, this is quite enough. Now he will be able to move on with his life and try to approach his problem from completely different angles.

Sometimes a client who comes to us during a meeting understands that the problem is not as simple as it seemed to him at first, and without outside help, he is not able to solve it on his own. Need an accompanying person. And then both the psychologist and his client focus on the identified problem and begin to solve it. If a problem, symptom, request has recently arisen and does not have roots in deep childhood, then, most likely, several meetings will be quite enough. But if the client’s difficulties have a long history and are associated with many layers of his psyche, then methods aimed at short-term treatment can only bring temporary relief. In this case, longer-term and large-scale work will be required, which may take more than one month or even more than one year.

Psychotherapy is...

There is another type of psychological help, which I wrote this book about. In our country it is called psychotherapy, which, strictly speaking, is not entirely terminologically correct, since psychotherapy in the West implies medication support and is carried out by psychiatrists or psychotherapists, that is, people with medical education. This is not the case in our country. In our country, a psychotherapist is secretly called any psychologist who helps a person get to know himself and change his life.

People who have nothing to do with psychology often ask me, what is psychotherapy? Who needs it? What is it? Why spend so much time and money on this event? I periodically experience awkwardness and despair because I cannot simply describe what I have been doing for so long. What psychotherapy is cannot be explained in a few words. Helping someone in a difficult situation? No, not that, it’s rather about the processes that I described above. “Healing the soul” - if translated literally? Closer, but also not the same. “The path, the journey” - this is how many psychotherapists talk about it. Even warmer. But it's still not certain. I still can’t find one word to describe what it is.

Psychotherapy for me is, first of all, once decision. No, perhaps it all starts even earlier: with an honest look at your life. At some point you realize that you are not living exactly the way you want and could. And in all this, no one is to blame but yourself, you live this way because in your life you made many small and large decisions in order to now live this way. However, the understanding of this will not come to you right away; at first, like everyone else, it will seem to you that the world is unfair to you, that you have an unhappy fate, spoiled karma, that you were born under the wrong star. In addition, the people around you are evil and stupid if they don’t want to recognize your obvious talents and merits or for some reason don’t want to treat you like a human being.

And if at some very bright but difficult moment it becomes obvious to you that, it turns out, it is useless to wait until the world decides to restore justice and give you what you deserve, and you understand that, no matter how you look at it, you will have to start with yourself , that's when you find yourself in my office. So, in fact, it all begins with unspoken, but brewing questions somewhere deep: Who am I? Why does this happen to me? What needs to be done to prevent this from happening? What do I need to change in my life? And how to do this? And sometimes you are already in so much pain and bad that you have no doubt that you absolutely need to change your life and as quickly as possible.

So, the first stage of psychotherapy is still somehow connected with the presence of some level of discomfort in a person’s life. After all, if you feel good, then there is no motivation to change. So it turns out that crisis, suffering, worry, pain bring us to psychotherapy. And at that moment we hate this state, although in fact we should be grateful to it, because it is the discomfort that visits every person during the transition from one stage of life to another that gives us the impetus for development, movement, transformation.

Why do we need our problems?

Our life is cyclical. This is how everything works in nature: day gives way to night, summer to autumn, youth to maturity. Likewise, in our psyche there is a need for alternation. There are periods of calm, joy, contentment. But each of us knows that if we stay in them for a long time, then calm turns into boredom, joy gives way to satiety, and contentment turns into melancholy. And then we want something new in order to get at least a little out of balance and begin to fight again so that peace and security are restored.

As paradoxical as it may sound, we should be grateful for our problems and troubles. After all, crises, troubles, changes in our lives happen so that we have the opportunity to learn something new, to become a little different. But the trouble is that some people do not know how to use crises and problems for development. They are afraid of problems and spend a lot of effort and energy trying to avoid them, and ultimately avoid changes in themselves. But, as a rule, it is not possible to completely avoid problems, and then crisis or difficult situations We most often react with a set of our previous behavior patterns, a set of our existing stereotypes. As a result, either the crisis is overcome with difficulty, or we are still forced to make some new decision for ourselves.

So, your life is painful, bad, or simply uncomfortable. This means that your previous patterns of behavior, views on life, methods of interaction, which were probably quite effective in childhood or adolescence, now do not save you, do not help, they simply do not work at the new stage of your life. Most likely not all, but some may be the most important at this moment. Very often you are not even aware of what these patterns are, how exactly you act and how else you can act in such situations. Moreover, the tougher your upbringing was, the firmer your parents’ beliefs, the narrower your idea of ​​how the world works will be. As a child, you needed restrictions and restrictions to ensure your safety. But when you grow up, it is important for you to learn to look at the world more broadly. It is very difficult to do this without outside help, partly because you are already completely convinced that the world works exactly the way you are used to perceiving it. That if you work hard or help everyone, denying yourself everything, then you will be happy. Or if you are obedient, good, sacrifice yourself to an idea or a person, then you will certainly receive retribution or a reward.

But over time, you realize that so much effort has already been put into achieving all this, but it just doesn’t work out: your loved ones leave you, your parents are still dissatisfied with something, your bosses don’t recognize your happiness, rewards, or rewards. How so? You tried so hard! And how else can this be explained if not by global injustice? It is possible to explain. For example, your reluctance to say goodbye to childhood ideas and illusions. Moreover, for some time you will not be ready to even agree that these are illusions. And rightly so - this requires time and someone’s gaze that will help you see what your established ideas lead to in your present life.

At first, you may encounter such discoveries with resistance. And this is understandable. Since childhood, your psyche has built itself fortress walls and bastions in case of any surprises and troubles, and now it is not ready to so easily give you these walls to be torn to pieces. Who will protect you if you destroy all the walls? What if someone or something hurts or injures you? Are you without walls? And what will protect you then? This is precisely why the restructuring of your ideas and defenses will occur very gradually. After all, fortunately, a psychotherapist will not be able to quickly dismantle old defenses: your psyche will stubbornly fight to maintain its internal ecology.

Example. As a child, the main value in your family was to be smart, to study a lot and constantly, to shine with erudition, and to constantly improve your intellectual level. Therefore, you had no choice but to study a lot, demonstrate your knowledge all the time in order to be accepted and loved in your family, because it is almost impossible for an outcast child to survive. Everything was great at school and college - you knew how to study and share your knowledge to the delight of your teachers and parents. But here it comes new stage in your life: you come to work, and there you no longer need your ability to learn or demonstrate your intelligence, you need to be able to interact with people or make responsible choices or come up with non-standard solutions. And you continue to shine with erudition, and you don’t understand why your colleagues don’t respect you, and your bosses think that you’re not doing a good job. You are so smart! Smarter than them all! You try to be smarter even more, and for some reason this leads to even worse results...

Then a new stage in your life begins. All your peers have already fallen in love more than once, some have already gotten married, and the especially gifted ones have even divorced. And you never had a normal long-term relationship. And it’s clear why, firstly, all girls are terrible fools. It's boring with them. And if you start telling them about some new theory, their gaze glazes over and further conversation loses all meaning. They are interested in you, but not for long, because they cannot keep the meaning of what you are telling them in focus for a long time. There is no way you can catch that they want to hear something else instead of your theories. But what?

And now you are in crisis. Discontent is beginning to accumulate on all fronts. At the same time, you don’t understand at all why? After all, you did everything right: you studied, you know a lot, then why is everything like this?

Friends, if you have them, of course, will say: “Keep it simple and that’s all. Don't be smart. Relax. Be your own guy." And thereby they will encroach on your protection. Not only do you not know what it’s like to be simpler? So you still don’t understand what it’s like to give up measuring the world with your intellectual ruler. And then what? Why are not the smartest people successful? And why don’t they receive the most money and, in general, all earthly goods? How to live then? What to start from?

Therefore, you cannot be simpler, no matter how hard you try. Yes, that's good. Because in reality you are no longer simple. You don’t need to become simpler, but wider, bigger, deeper. It’s not to remove the mind, but to build up other abilities, skills, models. Learn to listen to yourself, for example, and trust not only knowledge and logic, but also intuition, master the language of feelings that is difficult for you, accept your own possible stupidity and limitations, then it will be easier to accept someone else’s, get to know yourself and begin to appreciate your unusual personality without only for high intelligence.

You won't change

Psychotherapy will not take away your previous way of living; you can always use your previous models if you want to return to them, or if at some stage of your life they best suit it. But with its help, you will learn about numerous options, among which there will be those that are much more suitable for the new situation than the previous, established and proven ones. From some beginning clients, I have heard more than once about such a popular “horror story”: psychotherapy can change you, you will become completely different and stop being yourself. I admit, I was once afraid of this too. But my own client and psychotherapeutic experience suggests the opposite: you will remain yourself, even if you very much want to become someone else. There is something very deep and unchanging inside that will not change in you for the rest of your life, no matter how much effort you put into it. But what is almost guaranteed to happen to you at meetings with a psychologist is that you will become even more yourself than you were before.

While you were growing and maturing, people around you saw you, as a rule, from one side, well, at most from two, and very soon you yourself began to consider yourself that way. And if it weren’t for the crisis and psychotherapy, you might never have known what else you were capable of. After all, in fact, every person is huge world, a whole universe, huge, vast, unknowable. But most people are accustomed to perceiving themselves as a small city, a tiny village, a small foggy island, not wanting to come into contact with their own greatness and incomprehensibility. Their reluctance is understandable. After all, if you get even a little in touch with your own depth and power, then it will no longer be possible to pretend that you don’t know how talented you are and what potential you have. And then your knowledge will demand from you, demand implementation, development, growth. Do we need it? - that part of you that wants comfort, peace, stability will always ask this.

Therefore, psychotherapy is certainly a risk. The risk of not returning to previous childhood and illusory ideas about the world, the risk of losing the idea of ​​oneself as before, the risk more knowledge about yourself, which you will somehow have to deal with. And the person who goes on this far from fun, but extremely exciting journey through his own universe is a real hero. A hero in every sense of the word, now regularly and planned (like the famous baron) accomplishing his feat.

More than once during this journey you will want to stop or stop everything. This is also understandable and even normal: it is expensive, and it is wrong to open your internal territories all the time. Having opened them, they still need to be explored, mastered, and inhabited. Without this, it is difficult and sometimes impossible to move on. Therefore, if sometimes it seems to you that your psychotherapy is “stalling”, or you really want to take a break, then, as a rule, there are reasons for this. And one of these reasons will be the desire to live with what you have learned, to master what has been revealed, to accept it, to make it yours. A healthy body requires alternating periods of calm and satisfaction with periods of change, development and growth. A psychotherapist will help you notice at what period your psyche is stuck for some reason. Since the need for security is basic, and the need for growth and development is of a higher level, most often we choose security to the detriment of everything else. This is understandable if a person does not feel strong, deep, and self-confident.

One of the goals of psychotherapy will be to return your integrity to you, and therefore the more you learn about yourself, the more actively you assign it to yourself, the more strength, interest, confidence and desire to develop you will have. Psychotherapy is a self-inducing process. The more you take care of yourself, the more desires and opportunities you have to discover more and more in yourself. Is there a finality to this process? Everything will depend on your life goals, needs and intentions. How long can you recognize the universe? As much as you want.

Psychotherapy doesn't make people happier

This is true. She makes them more mature. If our clients come to us for happiness, they will be greatly disappointed. Once upon a time as children, the world generously gave us big spoonfuls of happiness, at least for some of us. It was so easy to amaze, please, impress us, but the older we got, the less opportunities the world had to do this, and from year to year we lost the childish acuity of impressions. At some point, we began to feel how what had previously belonged to us by right was flowing away from us, and we certainly had a subconscious desire to return all the positive and magical things that we experienced at the time when the trees were big. How difficult it is to come to terms with the fact that this is also an illusion. Because it is impossible to return it. Psychotherapy will help you understand this simple truth. And you will be sad from this realization, I assure you. But at the same time, you will stop spending a lot of time, effort and energy trying to return what is irrevocable.

Paradoxically, despite the fact that we develop and grow, something in us always wants to go back - to the good things that were. We - not always consciously - want to regain our childhood feeling of security, joy, inclusion in life, which is perhaps why we hold on so tightly to our childhood illusions and defenses. But we are getting older, and life at each next stage presents us with more and more new challenges, which often cannot be answered using previous models, means and ways of living.

Perhaps, therefore, one of the tasks of psychotherapy will be to help you grow up, that is, to bring your real age into line with your psychological age. Not many people in our country match the dates of birth indicated in their passports. It is even considered fashionable to appear younger. But you will always feel the difference between “being young,” “looking young,” and “looking young,” that is, for some reason, running away from your real age, pretending that it doesn’t really concern you. This looks, you see, at least sad.

Some people, having received psychological trauma at a certain point in their lives, remain at the psychological age at which this trauma was received, or return to this age at those moments when something similar to that childhood psychological trauma occurs. I have seen a lot of very middle-aged people who behave like five-year-old children, many whose behavior “pulls out” only for elementary school, and countless others who have never “passed” the peak of the teenage crisis. What's bad? - you ask. At a minimum, because you lose the opportunity to live through all other ages.

A grandmother who behaves like a scared, insecure little girl forever loses the opportunity to live life like a young girl, adult woman, a mature and wise representative of the human race, of course, if she refuses to even begin this fascinating journey called “psychotherapy.” But this grandmother, no matter how small she was inside, still had to solve adult problems: giving birth and raising children, running a house, making a career. And it is quite obvious that doing all this is terribly difficult with an immature, undeveloped psyche. It is not at all easy for little girls to cope with adult affairs. Therefore, such a grandmother, as a rule, by the age of sixty will already have a bunch of diseases, not only because she is entitled to it according to her age, but to a greater extent because her body is already tired of withstanding the overstrain that she has experienced all her life.

Whether it’s good or bad, even without any psychotherapy you will be able to solve most of the problems life sets before you; the only question is what price you have to pay for it. How much energy will you spend, how will this affect your health... In addition, it is important to understand that those who still managed to grow up and those who have a passport and psychological age brought into line, will always be more successful, richer, more fruitful than those to whom this did not happen. Simply because they won’t spend so much vital energy maintaining children’s illusions.

So your life will not become happier with the help of psychotherapy. In any case, I wouldn’t write you a guarantee card for happiness, but it will definitely become more and more qualitative, interesting, and fulfilling. This does not mean that there will no longer be problems or difficulties. They will be if you do not live in a fairy tale that you have invented for yourself. But you will cope with them much easier, each time learning something new about yourself and the world, mastering new abilities and opportunities.

Those who tried with all their might to avoid some kind of internal catastrophe, learned only how to avoid. The one who experienced it and comprehended it realized how strong, wise and persistent he was. He is no longer afraid of such catastrophes. He has the opportunity to meet everything new that life presents to him. And all because he has more and more experience in dealing with the most different problems and situations, becoming more voluminous and multifaceted.

Those who live in childish fear of disasters spend their lives anxiously waiting, building their lives under the paranoid motto “as if nothing would happen.” And in this sense, they are already living in their inner catastrophe, from which they so painfully run away, wasting days of their precious life on this. It's scary to change apartments, change jobs, go to another country, meet new people, give up old habits. It may be bad, you may not like it, it may even torment you, it may bring you suffering, but it is familiar, known, predictable. It is ironic that the tombstone inscription “Nothing ever happened to him” would be the worst possible way to live your life.

Why grow up anyway?

This is truly unprofitable, especially for those who manage you. When you were a child, your parents were responsible for you, they showed with all their behavior: life is like this, we live according to these laws, and you will live the same way. And you agreed, because the child needs to be guided by someone. Perhaps you protested in adolescence, that is, they did the opposite, it didn’t matter whether you really wanted it or not. But no matter what you do, it doesn’t matter if you are over thirty, then you may be surprised to notice that in some ways you are repeating the life of your parents, even if you firmly swore as a child never to do this.

We must consist of something. So we consist of the flesh and blood of our parents, which carries their own genotype, and our psyche consists of their attitudes, models, principles, outlook on life. And whether you like it or not, it’s worth admitting: we are mediated and conditioned by the fact that we are someone else’s continuation. And while we were children, we did not have many opportunities to resist the attitudes of the adult world, challenge them, question them, and do things our own way. In some ways we had to submit simply because the power was in the hands of adults.

As we grew older, we had more and more opportunities to decide something for ourselves, to choose how to act, what to do. We became freer, not noticing how, having tried everything that was forbidden to us, we returned to what we grew up in, not realizing that we were surrounding ourselves with what would implicitly remind us of our childhood times. Have you ever wondered why some men live with women who suppress them or endlessly make scandals, criticize them, and devalue them? Why don’t women leave men who humiliate, insult, and beat them? What causes them to remain in apparent misery? Not only the fear of change and the fear of starting over, but also a hidden desire to organize the situation of childhood for yourself, reproducing what has already happened to you before. And the saddest thing is that most people are not even ready to admit to themselves that everything is repeating itself: they walk in a circle, around which invisible rakes are densely scattered.

Well, if your parents were “bad”, and your childhood was traumatic and unimportant, then it’s probably worth getting treatment, you say. But if your parents were wonderful and your childhood was happy, then it’s quite possible to become just like them - rich, healthy, successful. It's possible, but it won't work. Because you won’t become like them anyway. They went their own way in their time, but you have to go through yours, and you cannot do this by stepping footsteps. Yes, and you are not their clone, but a separate and unique personality, which you would still do well to recognize, because in any case, you live in a slightly different time, at least with a twenty-year gap. Of course, adults, harmoniously developed parents, can help their child find himself and his path. But help, and not do it for him.

Do you tremble when your boss scolds you, are you afraid of your mother-in-law, do you tense up when someone older than you addresses you? Of course, you don’t believe in Santa Claus, but for some reason you really want to believe in the good “Father Tsar”, a good president, or at least in the existence of world justice? This means that you are still there, on children's land. I hear your outrage. I make responsible decisions! I commit difficult elections, I'm making money! I have children myself! I believe. “Children” can also be responsible, make decisions and even earn money.

An adult is one who creates his own life, one who lives authentically, that is, according to himself. The way he likes it, the way it suits him, in accordance with the values ​​he chooses. An adult is his own legislator and judge. Even if he does something that is contrary to the laws of the state, he is aware that the consequences will certainly come. Therefore, he makes any choices and decisions himself, and is ready to pay a certain price for them. An adult does not feel shame because there is no finger from above that can point at him and say: “What a bad boy! You're doing everything wrong! Shame on you!”, since he is right or wrong, good or bad - now only he decides.

And before you understand how you should build your life, you should decide who you are. What is unchangeable about you, what you have to come to terms with, and what you really want, and most importantly, can change. Which parental ideas and attitudes suit you personally, and which ones only interfere with your life. Realize what you should thank your parents for and what is difficult to forget and forgive. Get angry for what they did wrong to you by “showing bills” and realizing that no one will pay you for them. And after all this, forgive them, realizing that they were not ideal gods who came to earth to make your life happy, but simply people living their lives and making mistakes, like all mortals. Like you yourself, now raising your own children. And, having become acquainted with your childhood expectations, illusions, ideas about the world, reviewing them and choosing those that suit you for a given period of life, you move on, moving along the age scale, completing at each age what at one time according to what - for some reason it was not possible to finish, completing what for some reason could not be completed.

Have you noticed that old people are different? If we roughly divide them into two subspecies, then there are those who exude wisdom and peace - it is pleasant to be with them, young people are drawn to them, because next to them you feel accepted, understood, good. They accept their old age, they know a lot about life, but they will never offer advice and guidance unless you ask. They know and accept themselves, so it is easy for them to accept the people around them, the life they live, and even death, which becomes closer every day they live.

And there are those who did not allow themselves much of what they wanted in life, and therefore envy the young people who still have everything ahead of them. Their ideas about life are rigid, and therefore they panic or become angry when changes come or events occur that do not fit well with their usual views. They are bitter, demanding, critical, dissatisfied with everyone around them, largely because they are dissatisfied with themselves and the way their lives have turned out. They are afraid of death, because it is the end of everything, and “they never had time to live for themselves.” This second subspecies is the same old people who, for some reason, never matured.

So, in my opinion, it’s still worth growing up. At least in order to live your life, and not someone else’s. And also, perhaps, in order to live with the feeling that you are discovering an unknown land, creating your own destiny, weaving your own unique carpet of actions and events, and not just every day your most valuable and only life you try to do everything in such a way as to avoid trouble, condemnation and punishment from someone who decides that he has the right to know how to live, manage you and judge you.

Waste of time and money?

Psychotherapy is expensive. Even in our country. And it is not surprising that this is so. Not only because psychotherapists themselves also undergo their own psychotherapy, take supervision from more experienced colleagues, and constantly train, spending a lot of time, money and effort on this. But also because this is a difficult profession, requiring not only a good education, high qualifications, but also the ability to withstand the emotions of clients, their transferences, feelings directed towards us, but not directly related to us. This is a profession that requires us to have great psychological stability combined with high receptivity, responsibility and spiritual strength combined with fine mental organization, excellent analytical abilities and the ability to sense the slightest shades of feelings. We must be able to help and sympathize with other people, but not let them violate our personal boundaries, not transfer our own problems and difficulties onto our clients, be able to endure other people’s aggression, be guardian of our own interests, while remaining humanistic, accepting, and effective.

A person is kind by nature, and when his close or even not very close person gets into trouble, then the desire to help and save is as obvious and natural. Not even three tears of the unfortunate victim have been shed before almost every kind person like this begins to enthusiastically play the rescuer.

What do true girlfriends do if one of them has just been left by her husband? They immediately gather a council. And they suggest: “quickly stop crying”, “immediately forget this bastard”, put on your best dress, go unwind and find someone else right this evening. All these tips and suggestions will be exactly the opposite of what a woman experiencing stress and loss should do from a professional point of view. And if the unfortunate woman begins to resist and does not want to do all this, then her friends will definitely be disappointed, and their rescue ardor will very quickly subside. In this case, the poor woman will remain not only “abandoned” by her husband, but also misunderstood by her own friends.

Let's return to the metaphor with the dentist: you have a toothache, and instead of the doctor with his medicines, drills and fillings, you go to a friend and tell him:

The tooth hurts, can you imagine, this is already the second day!

And he tells you this:

Yes, forget it, think about it! Yesterday my head was spinning! And you are a tooth!

My tooth hurts? Go eat something sweet and take your mind off it...

It’s a pity that it’s rare that anyone can send a person with mental problems exactly where they need to go: to a psychologist or psychotherapist. And the point, of course, is not only that our profession is perceived by ignorant people as emotionally loaded, unsafe, with fear of ruining our reputation. But also the fact that people have little idea of ​​what kind of process this is. Psychotherapy is not a rescue, as it might seem at first glance, it is a method of professional help and support.

This is what I'm paying for if my therapist just sits and listens to me? - I often hear from people who are not very involved in psychology. But, firstly, you probably don’t even notice how rarely they listen to you carefully. Indeed, in ordinary life, not in a psychotherapist’s office, many people like to talk more about themselves than to listen. They love to give advice, even when you don't ask for it at all. They offer you solutions that are easy from their point of view, for which you are not at all ready, they push their own experience and mind, instead of helping you acquire your own. They will stop your feelings: don’t cry, don’t be afraid, spit, forget, forget, quit, start all over again. Instead of helping you discover and live what has not been lived and is preventing you from living on. Help you understand yourself and make the only right decision from your point of view. While helping you, they will unconsciously think about themselves, and not about you, about how generous and kind they are, saving someone who is in trouble. And if you don’t get out of trouble soon, then they may begin to actively push you, and if you still do poorly, they may lose interest in you, because they want to be directly involved in someone’s salvation.

Rescue makes a dependent victim out of a person, psychotherapy helps to become personally richer from what has been experienced, smarter from what has been revealed, clearer from an honest look at oneself and more confident from the awareness of the ability to survive difficulties, becoming even wiser and more holistic.

Therefore, to the suggestion “Why should I go to a psychotherapist, I can drink vodka with my friends?” I answer: “You can.” It’s up to you to decide what to do and what to spend your time and money on.” I tell my clients: “Psychotherapy is not a waste of money, it is an investment, an investment in the most important and responsible project: in your own life, in yourself.” I think the same about my personal psychotherapy and I know for sure that my investments continue to pay off with interest.

We know them, these psychotherapists!

I have repeatedly encountered with fears And misconceptions potential and actual clients regarding how things are going. The most common of them are:

A therapist has the superpower of seeing right through you. He somehow finds out about you even what you don’t want to know at all, much less reveal to someone else. You are afraid that someone will see through you and take advantage of you.

There is some basis for this fear. When you were little, your parents, having certain intentions, could see you in full view and easily read your feelings, including those that you would like to hide. It is possible that one of them used this for their own purposes. And now it’s hard for you to believe that the person who is able to “see through” you will not use his knowledge.

In fact, even an experienced therapist with empathy and the ability to read your body's signals can only guess what is happening to you. Good psychologist This is exactly what he will do - ask you what is really happening to you, or, in extreme cases, put forward his own versions. To a good professional The important thing is not to be right or great by “seeing through” your ins and outs, but to lead you to an honest look at yourself and how you live. And then it’s up to you to decide what to do with what has been revealed to you. You may well say: “It’s not like that. I disagree!"

The therapist will make you a completely different person at his own discretion.

Maybe, if he really wants to, he will violate all possible ethical standards. In general, your psychological defenses reliably protect you from the interference of another person. You will experience resistance when faced with something that is difficult for you or something that you are not yet ready for. A good psychotherapist works correctly with your resistance until you become aware of it and decide what to do with it: resist further or try something difficult, unusual, but new for you, expand your horizons. Fortunately, the human psyche is sufficiently protected even from the most “friendly” invasion. No one has the power to completely change you or even just change you even a little against your will, of course, unless you start doing it maliciously. And even then, there must be a strong hole, a trauma, in your psyche to allow this to be done to you.

Most psychotherapists still do not have this malicious intent, although in our country, and in any other, you can always end up with a not very strong professional. If you had a bad tooth treatment once, you don’t put the thought in your head: never go to the dentist again. You're just looking for someone else.

The psychotherapist makes you dependent on himself, wanting to extract more money from you. You will certainly develop some emotional connection with your therapist, and perhaps even an addiction. A certain stage of psychotherapy may be accompanied by the emergence of a variety of feelings towards your psychologist: from fierce hatred to Great love. Fierce hatred will strongly provoke you to immediately quit everything (although this is often so ineffective, because with a high degree of probability it means that you have approached an important part of the work - negative transference!), and then the therapist will suggest that you still stay in relationships to understand this difficult but absolutely necessary process for you. You may mistake his persistence for a manipulative desire to pursue only his own interests, but this is not always the case. Rather, on the contrary, the less experienced the psychotherapist, the more joyfully he will let you go, unwilling or unable to withstand your strong feelings. negative feelings, and the more experience he has, the more willing he will be to go through all this with you in order for you to find yourself, psychologically separating yourself from parental figures.

“Big love” is most often also explained by transference, that is, you don’t really love real person- your psychologist, you personally don’t know him that well, you love a certain image: parental, rescue, or some other. This love is absolutely necessary for you - you trust someone else with something very personal, reverent, and important. And you need to believe in your therapist, just as children believe that their mother is the best. Without this it is very difficult to grow and develop. A good specialist always understands this and does not use your love for his own purposes, knowing that as you grow older, you will gradually stop depending so much on him and begin to see him as real.

Psychotherapy is only needed for mentally ill people.

This is certainly not the case. Mentally ill people also receive psychotherapeutic help because they too have problems that are difficult for them to cope with. But this process will also be very useful for a mentally healthy person. Since the life of any person is a series of a wide variety of crises, from natural age-related ones to unplanned eventual ones, not everyone can be able to go through them as efficiently and adequately as possible. No person has lived his life twice in a row, and therefore no one can be prepared in advance for what a new age or new situation will bring him. Other people's experience, as a rule, has little application to your life. In addition, it is almost impossible to live through your childhood and adolescence without receiving a single injury. It is quite difficult to have exclusively healthy people around you who have not caused you any harm.

Of course, there are people who achieve maturity and enlightenment in other ways. And it’s great that these methods exist! It's better for you - you can choose the one that suits you best.

Who needs this?

Anyone who has problems and difficulties, who does not live the way they would like. Anyone who is interested in people and himself, who wants to understand himself and his loved ones: children, spouses, parents. For those who want to live a quality life, and I’m not afraid of this word, effectively. Those who don’t want to get sick, but want to listen to their body and not abuse it by placing it in such intense psychological conditions that will make any body writhe and wither. For those who are ready to ask questions and not swallow other people's answers. Who at least somewhat believes that he is unique, complex, inimitable. This means it is worthy of study, at least by itself.

For children This is necessary in order to correct in time those unexpected mistakes or unconscious harm that adults have inflicted on them. Sometimes they just need help to adapt to the environment and life in which they are forced to live. Some of them need to be supported, talent recognized, and help to open up. Some of them simply lack sympathetic and non-exploitative attention, interest in their lives beyond the usual roles of “student”, “son”, “well-mannered boy”.

For men - in order to learn to recognize your fears and become calmer and more confident from this, to understand your feelings in order to better understand the feelings of the people around you: women, children, colleagues, bosses. In order to understand that the woman with whom he shares the days of his life is not a savior, not a mother or a servant, but a loved one, very different from himself, ready to love and care, but also living with his own goals and objectives. In order to begin to respect yourself and your business and in the most natural way receive the appropriate money for it. Real, and not compensatory, self-confidence will help him respect any person, even those very different from himself.

Women - to recognize your beauty and strength. Discover in yourself the ability not only to understand everyone, get into a position, smooth out corners and avoid conflicts, but also the need and opportunity to protect your personal boundaries, sense your prospects and talents. To consider motherhood a happiness, and not a punishment due to constantly induced feelings of guilt and anxiety, and your marriage as a union in which everyone can embody their best selves. To believe in your charm and ability to win hearts, regardless of the number of wrinkles or gray hair. So that wisdom is the assistant that will help her cope with everything that life brings.

Param - to her and to him, when the two of them can’t come to an agreement. When it seems to them that everyone is right in their own way, but for some reason they still can’t live together joyfully. In order to still have the opportunity to hear each other, to see reality behind the veil of expectations and fantasies hung on each other. In order to preserve and nurture the love that once happened to them. Or break up, realizing the reasons and contribution of each, so as not to repeat old mistakes in a new relationship.

For families - special complex system where people live every day. And every day something happens in it according to established laws and rules, from which they may suffer, but they are not able to realize and change it. Because if they begin to change something in it, the whole system begins to move and returns everything to its previous, long-established equilibrium. And then all they have to do is reconcile, or... come to psychotherapy with the whole family, so that each of these close people, united by kinship and common traditions, can live as well as they want, without losing sacred ties and a super-important union called "family".

Young - in order to understand yourself from youth and not waste your precious youth on anxieties, fears, uncertainty and worries, instead of getting carried away, taking risks, trying, getting to know the world in all its manifestations. In order to, having fallen in love, retain love, turning it year after year into strong, mutually nourishing relationships. So that the children they have do not carry on their weak shoulders the burden of parental problems, unresolved psychological problems, emotional difficulties, “troubles,” but can be proud of their young parents: the bravest and fairest father and the most loving and attentive mother.

Elderly - to deal with your life story, admit what has not been admitted, think about what you have not gotten around to, forgive someone who has been difficult to forgive for many years. Enter into a partnership with your conscience and free yourself from the burden of guilt accumulated over the years. Having learned to trust young people, get rid of worries about children and grandchildren. Find new meaning in this “autumn season” of your unique life, turning your accumulated experience into wisdom that will always be in demand.

Poor - in order to understand that poverty is not a vice, but a malfunction of vital energy, lack of development of the topic of money, ancestral messages, socialist heritage or previous traumatic experience. To organize your life in such a way that financial solvency will be a natural result of professional fulfillment, in which money will be a natural result of personal success.

Rich - in order to understand what vital things they might have missed while they were earning their capital. In order to survive the crisis of dissatisfaction and emptiness, which is easy to create for yourself by treating yourself and others in a functional and one-sided way. To fill your life not only with what has not truly brought satisfaction for a long time: bills, houses, cars, yachts, travel. And to realize and arrange your life so that making money does not turn into an escape from parental dissatisfaction or a traumatically poor childhood, so that bank accounts are not a compensation for uncertainty and anxiety, a desire to take everything under control in order to avoid repeating some of your childhood stories . To make your life not a race for power and achievement, but an interesting journey in which you can be truly happy, passionate and fruitful.

What will you get?

In the process of upbringing, many people have formed certain ideas about themselves and the world. In most cases, the ideas were rigid and unambiguous with a clear set of actions and judgments, with logical reward or punishment at the end. If you are a good boy, which means studying well, doing your homework, being polite to elders, helping your mother around the house, being friends with your class, being kind and neat, then when you grow up, you will become good engineer and a family man. And if you are a bad boy as a child, you will grow up to be a bandit, you will be sent to prison, or you will die under a fence, in principle there are some options.

As children, we were given a set of stereotypes and rules to make our lives easier. After all, as it seemed to adults, it is not easy for a child’s consciousness to accommodate all the diversity of the world, its polysemy. That’s why they explained to us “what is good and what is bad,” dividing the world into black and white, simple polarity, to make it easier. Having divided the world in our minds into two tunnels - “good” and “bad” - we were encouraged to choose the one along which we should go, and without a doubt, they inclined us towards that very “white” tunnel, towards the good life of a good boy. So what's wrong? - you ask. After all, every parent wants their child to have a successful life, to be happy. It’s so natural for us, who have lived, to arrange a safe and understandable life for him. We want all the best for him!

Of course, parents can be understood. Life in a tunnel is much safer - the walls protect you, and you don’t have to think and choose where to go, because there are only two directions: forward and backward. And with the received instruction “just forward!” and even more so, just one. Living in a black and white world is also much easier: you can immediately see whether it is black or white. True, sometimes it still appears grey colour, and then it’s difficult to decide which of the previous two it belongs to... But this can be done by eye.

When solving the problems of our childhood, it was possible to cope with a black-and-white world and a tunnel to our happy future, but when we begin to grow up and life presents us with more difficult tasks than “twice two,” the child’s idea of ​​“good and bad” ceases to help us as efficiently as before.

In the process of psychotherapy, you may realize that being kind and responding to other people’s requests is, of course, good, but only gradually will you begin to notice that some people simply take advantage of your kindness, someone manipulates you deliberately, trying to get their way, that sometimes you are simply They don’t respect you because you can’t refuse, that you are always busy solving other people’s problems, and who will solve yours? In addition, you will have a chance to notice that your good deeds are often not really good, because they strengthen, for example, infantilism in others, develop in them psychological dependency, a sacrificial position, and manipulative behavior patterns. And then you will have to reconsider the usual scheme “being kind is good” or at least abandon its unambiguity and simplicity.

Previously, when your boss scolded you, at first you felt frightened, and then you felt offended, because bosses always scold very unfairly. You sulked and discussed your nasty boss with your co-workers. All this, at a minimum, annoyed the boss, and at a maximum, provoked him to be dissatisfied with you again. If you deal with your usual childhood reactions, you will gradually develop a wider range of feelings, and, accordingly, actions to the same event. Your boss is scolding you, and you can:

• get upset, because it’s always unpleasant when you are scolded, analyze and try to take into account what happened to you;
• ask your boss to explain exactly what he sees as your mistake or wrong;
• admit your mistake, apologize and correct it;
• take time for yourself, understand the situation and understand that you were right, not him, and try to respectfully convey your position to him;
• If the issue is important, and your boss still doesn’t hear you, then you can enter into a constructive confrontation with him about this issue.

In any case, all these actions of yours will cause only respect from others and the boss himself. And you will feel not like a victim, but a person with certain rights, position and personal boundaries.

This is how psychotherapy works: instead of one habitual way of reacting to a situation (which you will always have), several more may appear, often much better suited.

Instead of a black and white world, not only colors will appear, but also shades. Yes, life will be more difficult, because you will no longer be able to say: is “green” good or bad? You will say: depending on what combination, in what place, and in general - it’s neither good nor bad, it’s just “green”, and more likely “emerald”, or “herbal”, or “pistachio”.

Instead of one direction in a “only forward” tunnel, you will have the opportunity to walk, swim, fly wherever you want. Where your feet take you, where fate or your destiny calls.

And also, if you had psychological trauma and for some reason you were unable to cope with them, then the trauma in your life will be reproduced again and again, because in the psyche there is an intention to complete what has not been completed. And if your trauma has not been processed and closed, then, completely unwillingly, you will attract people and events that will “help” you get into this trauma again and again. And without outside help, it will be difficult for you to even understand what exactly and why something happens to you again and again, and even more difficult to overcome it.

There is a phrase “fight with yourself.” This is considered good. This implies that there is something bad and wrong in us that is worth fighting. Struggle implies someone's victory or defeat. In this case, you - the “right” one - will defeat the “wrong” one. What do you do with the “wrong” one? Exterminate? Will you go to jail? Such a struggle leads to the fact that you do not become better, you become smaller, weaker, narrower. Man is only similar to God, but he is not God, which means he is imperfect by nature. It has everything - and a person’s task is not to destroy one thing in himself for the sake of something else, but to know as much as possible about himself, to discover and appropriate his most diverse abilities and qualities, how those that are considered “good” in everyday life, as well as those that someone might call “bad.” After all, it is not a “good” person who is happy and harmonious, but a holistic one. The one who knows his “shortcomings” accepts them and considers them to be his peculiarity, who is aware of his advantages and knows how to use them, who does not evaluate or condemn either one or the other, either in himself or in other people.

If you know and accept your “flaws”, you cannot be hurt. They will tell you: “You are fat,” and you respond with a smile and slight surprise: “Well, yes, I am aware.” If you take credit for your strengths, you will not be knocked down: no matter what happens, you know what within you you can rely on.

Your relationships with other people will be mediated by your relationships with yourself, psychologists say. This is true. If you know and accept yourself, then other people will be interesting to you; if you harshly evaluate and criticize, struggling with something in yourself, then other people will cause you irritation, a desire to criticize and redo. And you will do this to them, and in return they will do the same to those around you, including you, of course.

Words words words. It's sad, but nothing you read now will actually help you. Simply because what I’m talking about in this chapter is not enough to just read and understand with your head, it must be lived, because a conversation about psychotherapy differs from the process of psychotherapy itself, just as someone’s story about a journey differs from the path that you we walked step by step, kilometer by kilometer.

What is the difference between professional psychotherapy and “everyday” psychotherapy?

IN education. In our country, everyone loves to self-medicate, self-educate, and self-consolate. Everyone, it seems to them, knows how to be treated if you get sick, how to raise and teach children, how to help in case of mental problems. It is clear that we developed such a misconception not because of a good life, but because it didn’t matter with professionalism in the country, and with money too. But nevertheless, a professional differs from an amateur, first of all, by the presence of special education, which in the case of medicine, psychology, pedagogy (and in other cases too) will be systematic, that is, it will consider a person and the process in which he is located in a certain way. system integrity. This is important. If you hurt your hand, then you can anoint the wound with brilliant green, cover it with a band-aid, and everything will be fine. But if suddenly your hand begins to swell or turn red, chills begin, and the temperature rises, then it is quite obvious that your minor problem has become systemic. Your body needs to be saved as a whole, which is what the doctor will have to do. If you continue to self-medicate, you risk getting even bigger problems, perhaps even losing your life.

It’s the same in psychotherapy. In your unprofessional opinion, the problem may seem insignificant, and you may give advice that is not consistent with the situation and personality of the person you want to help. And then, at best, you will do no harm. And if it concerns children or people who depend on you, then your unprofessional actions may cause aggravation of psychological trauma.

In the special position of a psychotherapist. I have already written about how rescue differs from professional psychological assistance. I want to say this again. Rescue is, as a rule, an unconscious desire to solve one’s own problems and tasks at the expense of another person. A rescuer always has some bonuses for saving other people. For example, he feels kind, generous, strong (while the one being saved feels weak, dependent, subordinate, obligated). Or he fills his life with meaning, and then the person being saved often becomes a hostage to the meaning of his rescuer’s life, and that is why it can be so difficult for him to be saved. Or the rescuer begins to become enthusiastically involved in other people's lives and other people's problems, so as not to solve his own. Lack of awareness of intentions makes this event very unclear and blurry. Ingratitude, dependence, disappointment, guilt, obligation - not only these difficult-to-digest emotions begin to “walk” in the space between these two people. And yet, according to the theory, there is a third one - a “pursuer” or “tyrant”, without which this couple quickly loses energy. And then everything becomes so complicated that soon you will no longer be able to tell who is tyrannizing whom, saving whom, or counting on salvation.

The rescuer is positionally always a little on top at first, the “victim” is on the bottom, this allows one to feel strong and resourceful, and the other to use their traditional childhood manifesto. In this case, no one is truly saved. Because the “victim” only hones his infantile ways of behavior, and the “rescuer” feeds his own grandiosity, essentially elevating himself by implicitly belittling the other.

The position of a psychotherapist does not imply rescue. The psychotherapist teaches his client to sense his own resources and, relying on them, solve his problems. It expands the client's view of the world and of himself, and this expansion gives him the possibility of other choices. The position of the psychologist is the appeal of equal to equal. The psychologist knows about people in general, knows the laws of mental development, the peculiarities of the course of certain mental processes, but he does not know about the peculiarities of the client’s life, about his personal history, about the uniqueness of his contact with his deep emotional experiences. Only the client who comes to us has this knowledge. And then these two people create a field woven from this knowledge, feelings and emotions arising towards each other, which allows you to discover patterns, see the previously invisible, hidden in the deep layers of the psyche, find the root causes, remove obstacles, reveal the unrevealed.

There are clear boundaries. Often, rescuers feel “eaten up” if their charges do not begin to cope on their own, if they are endlessly on the phone, demanding attention, participation, and support. No matter how much time the rescuer has already spent on rescue, as soon as he begins to get irritated or hint at fatigue, refuse help, or go into his own affairs and problems, their unfortunate charges will begin to feel abandoned, deceived, and undeservedly offended. And instead of gratitude, which should have nourished the fading strength of the rescuer, he will receive resentment, anger, and disappointment. And this will not be at all what the rescuer subconsciously expected!

Therefore, psychotherapy sets certain boundaries. There is a certain time - an hour, two hours, fifty, forty minutes (each therapist determines this period for himself) that a psychotherapeutic meeting lasts. This time is given to the client, his life, his manifestation, history, tears. Time that he can manage. But it is defined, not unlimited. And the presence of a quick finality of the meeting pushes the client to use this time as efficiently as possible.

Another boundary is the money that the client pays to the psychologist. Money actualizes the responsibility of both. In addition, they are in a simple way measure and reimburse the therapist's costs for this process. This frees the client from obligation; he does not feel obligated to somehow compensate the psychologist for his time and troubles. While the “victim” of the classical rescuer is eternally obliged and owed to him, neither she herself nor her patron can measure and do not know how to compensate for the time and participation aimed at solving her problems.

In the features of the ongoing processes. An oral or written contract is concluded between the client and the psychotherapist, which implies and describes the extent of responsibility of each, and terms and conditions are specified. In accordance with this, the psychotherapist cannot say to the client: “Listen, I’m tired of sorting out all your problems” or “I have no time for you now, my mouth is full of worries.” The client has the right to expect that they will be with him as long as necessary. As a last resort, a psychotherapist can transfer his client to a colleague if for some reason he cannot continue working.

The field itself, in the event of a good working alliance between these two people, creates a situation of immersion, transference, the correct handling of which leads to the client discovering and working through his previous models that have ceased to be effective.

In the process of psychotherapy, the client does exactly what he does in ordinary life, manifesting himself in exactly the same way as he manifests himself with other important figures for him: parents, husbands, wives, children. And if the “rescuer” can react to the client’s anger, resentment, criticism, and devaluation with retaliatory criticism, anger, or self-destruction, then the therapist’s task will be to withstand any client storm, respectfully demonstrate to the client his characteristics and ongoing processes, search for the origins of such behavior, and heal “ old wounds,” which led to the fact that now, for some reason, he reacts this way. Gradually, when the wounds heal, and inside the client becomes more flexible, multifaceted and the degree of his self-acceptance increases, he will stop reacting destructively. But this requires knowledge, time and effort, which a “household rescuer” is simply not capable of.

For what?

And really, why am I writing about this? When people have conviction, they preach their truth, their way of living. The chiropractor will convince you that all the problems are due to your back problems, the immunologist will be due to your weak immune system, the nutritionist will be due to poor nutrition. I can also say that all your illnesses and difficulties, as people say, are “from nerves.” But I won't tell. Because man is too complex to give simple and unambiguous answers. But psychotherapy is a way. In any case, one of the many ways to get to know yourself and those around you. And it seems to me very important that people take advantage of this opportunity. This is my very definite “selfish” interest.

And it is not at all that after reading my book you come to me. This motive is perhaps the least important, since I do not have the opportunity to accept everyone who is already ready to do this, and I look with anxiety and anguish at the list of those who have signed up in the queue. It's important to me that you just come. Psychotherapy in Moscow and the leading cities of Russia is now rapidly developing and is replenished with personnel who are becoming more and more qualified from year to year. There are already many talented and experienced psychotherapists who can help you.

So why do I need to advocate psychotherapy with such conviction? I know that a self-aware, truly adult person will not be so blindly controlled by various structures and forces, ranging from political to spiritual. I want to live in this country, but I don’t want to live under a totalitarian or authoritarian regime. And in this sense, I am interested in ensuring that the society in which I live is as healthy as possible. I have no illusions on this score, but I see how with the change of the political regime, moving away from the childhood communist-socialist paradise, people in general become more mature, realizing that simply being a convinced Leninist is not enough for a successful life in this new world. The modern world poses a new challenge, and only those who are at least somehow ready for it respond positively.

I also know that a doctor, teacher, educator who has undergone psychotherapy will cause less trauma to children, as well as to my child and grandchildren when they appear. I know for sure that if people start going to psychotherapy, then there will be more interesting and enthusiastic people around me and less manipulation and self-destructive tendencies: alcoholism, drug addiction, cars rushing at breakneck speed in the yards where children play. Husbands will beat their wives less, and their wives will harass them less. Parents will be happy with their children, and children will be happy with their lives. Idealism? Children's dreams of heaven? Let us suppose. Can I allow myself to leave at least some illusion? Let it be called: “psychotherapy can help everyone who wants it.” She has already helped me.

Why did I write this story

(for those for whom it is important to understand how one thing is related to the other)

It is impossible to explain what psychotherapy is in one article, even after describing in detail the stages, phenomena, and processes. The soul has its own language, and in different areas of psychotherapy the language of the soul will be traced through different manifestations of a person. In body-oriented therapy, the language will be the symptoms and signals of your body, in the cognitive direction - your mental constructs, in Jungian psychoanalysis - your dreams, symbols, your life reflected in myths. The language of the soul is diverse. And there is no one true one. Any manifestation of you is you, and there is nothing secondary or unimportant.

Having listened to many different stories over the years (Anna’s story is traditional in some ways, but not like everyone else in some ways), I realized that much of what happens in my office and in the lives of my clients is actually happens somewhere else, on some other, symbolic level of existence. Perhaps on a distant island, tightly hidden from the rest of the world by fog.

Our life as children is somewhat similar to the life of Hans from my symbolic story. Being good children, we did our simple, but useful work on an island with clear rules called “childhood”. We were saved from real adult life by fairy tales about “ dangerous world outside the island”, upon meeting whom anything can happen.

As a child, we needed our parents so much; their care and protection helped us grow up. But, growing up, we gradually got out from under the controlling tutelage of our mother's eyes. It is not obvious to everyone in our symbolic, foggy City that the Board - in some ways a prototype of parental figures - can hide behind concern for its people only the need to maintain control and power. And not everyone realizes that the price they pay for imaginary security is freedom.

"Who am I?" - This is a question everyone asks from time to time. Like my hero, any person can be overwhelmed by the imaginary simplicity of the question, since the answer is not at all obvious. Moreover, with the search for this answer, Hans’s path to other shores and to another life begins. The path of my clients in psychotherapy, of course, did not always begin with this question, but symbolically it sounds in our meetings constantly, since our knowledge about ourselves and others, in fact, is as fragmentary and incomplete as the knowledge of the inhabitants of the City about themselves and the world beyond the island.

Just as Hans dreams of the sun, wanting to see this special light again, so many of my clients dream of a life filled with completely different colors and feelings. They don't remember her well. Perhaps this happened to them only in very early childhood... They dream about those times, dreaming of once again experiencing that intensity of feelings, the brightness of desires and the fullness of being. But instead there is only fog. Safe, but blurring the boundaries, eating away at perspective, the ability to see more than three steps ahead. The unconsciousness of my clients who have just come to therapy is very similar to living in a fog: they are visited by thoughts, feelings, sensations that they often cannot connect into the whole picture of their existence. It is also impossible to see the whole landscape in the fog; it will appear as parts, depriving the completeness of perception.

Only a real hero could want to leave the island in my story, much less risk his life for the illusory possibility of freedom and new discoveries. It is the hero archetype in Jungian psychology that exists within each of us that allows us all at some moments to neglect safety for the sake of development. It is the hero who takes risks, leaving a known and well-established life in order to go beyond the boundaries of the known. It is he who leaves everything he had in order to acquire immeasurably more - his destiny and his own life.

To leave a reliable and well-recognized craft requires courage and determination, and also the realization that you can do something more - for example, like Hans, build ships. In addition, you need inner confidence, bordering on an unshakable conviction in the need to do this - to start the search. Like Hans, my clients usually go through a lot of doubt as their inner hero begins to argue with other subpersonalities accustomed to a vague but simple existence. Doubts go away only with the awareness of the scarcity and stuffiness of the previous existence, limitations and total dependence on internal parental figures. And only relying on your inner hero, who is always ready to answer life’s challenges, no matter how impossible the dream may seem, no matter how difficult the path turns out to be, allows you to overcome all doubts.

But just as our Hans has to defend the right to find his purpose and overcome many obstacles before setting out on a journey, my clients often have to enter into confrontations with their loved ones. After all, most of them perceive psychotherapy as a threat to their own existence, since changes in clients unbalance the entire system of previous relationships. And unfortunately for loved ones (temporarily!), many clients, like Hans, have no way back. Realizing that they have lived all their lives on a foggy island, most of my clients do not want to stay there and are willing to go through a lot to see the sun and other lands. Over time, loved ones come to terms with life in such unpredictable relationships, and then begin to be proud, admire, and recognize. As a result, some also come to the desire to start their own psychotherapy, to begin their search, moving towards their shores.

But Hans still has everything ahead: the joy of discovery and the bitterness of loss. And when they finally manage to escape the captivity of annoying symptoms, many clients feel relief, and the temptation to quit psychotherapy comes to them in the same way as Hans did - the temptation to stay in the pine forest, escaping from the captivity of the City. And only a talisman given by a little girl and the protests of a friend return him to his previous intentions. Yes and different sides our clients, helping in search and development, keeping them on track difficult path. After all, you have to not only understand the system of parental rules, traumas and prohibitions, break out of them, passing through your terrible swamp (J. Hollis, the famous Jungian psychoanalyst, this is what he calls our “spiritual whirlpools”, which cannot be avoided, you can only go through), but and find out who you are by building your own special ship.

How difficult and dangerous the journey can be is described without exaggeration in Hans’s first voyage. The feeling of freedom and meeting the inner sun alternate with severe storms and the death of something very dear, close, but past. For many clients this is a very difficult subjective experience. Many people say: “I won’t survive this. It's too hard. The old is gone, the new is not yet there. How to live? What to rely on? But breaking away from one’s childhood land and sailing to new worlds cannot happen otherwise: clinging to the old supports, it would be difficult to move forward.

Forgiveness and cooperation with Jacob, former internal parental figures, allows you to enlist support from the past, use the ancestral resource and continue to “build the ship.” The need for the old fisherman to guide Hans in his quest is gradually disappearing by this time. Reliance on external knowledge must be replaced by one's own creativity and creation.

But when the ship is built, it is not the end of the journey or the end of the story. The voyage itself, so dangerous due to storms and losses, still awaits. Thus, in the process of psychotherapy, my clients are overwhelmed by strong feelings that, according to their subjective perception, threaten to “sink” them. So, in the process of therapy and swimming, they lose their previous, childhood illusions, increasingly encountering adult existential loneliness, with anxiety and fear of never seeing a new land, not coping with this new adult life. So they sometimes cease to feel the beauty and grandeur of the sea and their own life, because they begin to think about the result or plunge into an anxious expectation of disaster.

However, a new land is already on the horizon, and it cannot be avoided, and its acquisition is only a matter of time, special for each client and each journey. How much will it take? Months? Not less. Years? Maybe. Entire life? It's possible. After all, after your ship has moored to new and different shores, you still have to explore new lands, build your new home, search for a new destination, and perhaps a new, and even more than one, journey. Only over time you will learn to do all this without the help of a psychotherapist. Because you will know this complex answer to a simple question: “Who am I?” And believe me, this answer is worth making a heroic journey and seeing the sun.

© Mlodik I.Yu. Where you are not yet... Psychotherapy as liberation from illusions. - M.: Genesis, 2010.
© Published with permission from the publisher

Your soul hurts if you don’t allow yourself something internally. For example, a common situation among women: everyone wants to feel like a magical, beautiful creature, but the mind forbids: “no, they say, you’re fat, why do you care about the ideals of beauty, or when you really want to just give up everything and move to live in Thailand, but your parents are categorically against , and you will not allow yourself to go against their will.

I don’t want to, but I have to.
It’s also a common situation when people prefer to follow someone else’s ideals, when their soul asks them for something completely different. Often our highest values ​​do not at all coincide with the “Morals of Society”, but “in order to survive”, we make concessions, do what disgusts us. For example, we deceive, steal, time. Yes, unnoticed, yes, everyone does this, but you can’t fool your soul.

There is an opinion that by submitting to the will of those who seem stronger, we will make a career, become successful, and receive recognition. But in fact, the effect is just the opposite. True happiness and success can only be achieved under the guidance of the soul. Do not go against your brightest principles, no matter how scary it may be.

The world is not interesting.
In general, this is a rather rare case, but it is often a harbinger of a big spiritual leap. There is a feeling that material wealth cannot bring happiness, interest in achievement disappears, competition becomes boring, and there is no point in chasing money and status. The fuss around all these imaginary values ​​seems truly meaningless to you and you yourself no longer want to take part in it. Neither greed, nor envy, nor any desires remained in the heart.

When it is not the soul that hurts, but the ego.

Resentment.
It never comes from the pure corners of the heart. Self-pity and blaming others for your suffering - no, this is not from the heart. Yes, it's from the ego.

Sense of anxiety.
The whisper of the soul is often confused with the most ordinary concern that appears when a swarm negative thoughts raging in my head. Worrying about the future and nervously biting your nails - no, it’s not your soul that hurts, but it’s time to control your thoughts.

Feeling of injustice.
Sometimes it feels like the world is not being honest with us. And the feeling of injustice develops almost into righteous spiritual anger. “Why are they doing this to me?” Something in you screams. But this is not the soul, but the ego.

Boredom.

Pain in the soul: advice for those who are sick.

Don't run away.

When a person feels “Spiritual Malaise”, rarely does anyone ask him “why does the soul hurt?” Usually they give a popular recipe for all troubles: “get distracted, don’t think about it, switch to another channel!” But let's be honest, this is perhaps the most worst advice of all. In fact, it can be helpful to do just the opposite: take a closer look at the source of your discomfort. After all, pain in the soul is a harbinger of change.

Just be here.

There is no better healer than the present moment. Disconnect from everything that does not concern this second. Just drop your thoughts, drop your worries, and absorb what is there. Then the rose of your soul will begin to bloom - all the real needs and genuine needs will be revealed in full view. Just stay here. Return to now. By the way, here are a couple of excellent meditation techniques to help.

Trust.

Your heart is the most accurate instrument for measuring the purity of your thoughts. Thoughts that cause fear must be discarded. Pain in the soul can be cured if you trust the guiding hand of the world and choose those options for reality that our heart tells us.

I want to, but I can’t...

Your soul hurts if you don’t allow yourself something internally. For example, a common situation among women: everyone wants to feel like a magical, beautiful creature, but the mind forbids: “No, they say, you’re fat, why do you care about the ideals of beauty.” Or when you really want to just give up everything and move to India, but your parents are categorically against it, and you won’t allow yourself to go against their will.

In such a situation, the soul is as if in a cage - it wants to break out, but you yourself cannot afford to open the lock, although the keys have been dangling in your pocket for a long time. There is no need to be afraid to be yourself and sacrifice what is alien to you - your soul will repay you with a state of joy and gratitude!

I don't want to, but I have to...

It’s also a common situation when people prefer to follow someone else’s ideals, when their soul asks them for something completely different. Often our highest values ​​do not at all coincide with the “morality of society”, but “in order to survive”, we make concessions, do what disgusts us. For example, we deceive, steal, time. Yes, unnoticed, yes, everyone does this, but you can’t fool your soul.

There is an opinion that by submitting to the will of those who seem stronger, we will make a career, become successful, and receive recognition. But in fact, the effect is just the opposite. True happiness and success can only be achieved under the guidance of the soul. Do not go against your brightest principles, no matter how scary it may be.

The world is not interesting...

In general, this is a fairly common case and it is often a harbinger of a big spiritual leap. There is a feeling that material wealth cannot bring happiness, interest in achievement disappears, competition becomes boring, and there is no point in chasing money and status. The fuss around all these imaginary values ​​seems truly meaningless to you and you yourself no longer want to take part in it. Neither greed, nor envy, nor any desires remained in the heart.

When it's not the soul that hurts, but the ego...

Most people confuse the manifestations of their soul and the most ordinary whining of the ego. After all, pain in the soul is a very subtle signal that suggests that we are moving away from our spiritual ideals. Well, the ego, it just wants free pity and love. Here are the cases in which it is not the soul that hurts, but the swollen ego that is playing:

Feelings of guilt or resentment

It never comes from the pure corners of the heart. Self-pity and blaming others for your suffering - no, this is not from the heart. Yes, it's from the ego!

Sense of anxiety

The whisper of the soul is often confused with the most ordinary concern, which appears when a swarm of negative thoughts rages in the head. Worrying about the future and nervously biting your nails - no, it’s not your soul that hurts, but it’s time to control your thoughts, and for many they are not their own and not about their own.

Feeling of injustice

Sometimes it feels like the world is not being honest with us. And the feeling of injustice develops almost into righteous spiritual anger. "Why are they doing this to me?" - something screams in you. But this is not the soul, but the ego.

Boredom

Everything is boring, you don’t want anything, the world seems boring and uninteresting. Laziness. And it seems that the soul is fading. But in reality, you just need to learn how to set goals and not give up too early.

Evidence and controversy

Only the ego wants to prove something to someone and argue, compete. If you are not the first in some issue and it gnaws, pulls and strains you, it is not the soul that hurts, but the ego that screams.

Even skeptics who do not recognize the existence of the soul experience feelings of affection, love, and compassion. In case of loss loved one or at the sight of someone else's misfortune, there is a feeling of heaviness in the area solar plexus. Often mental pain manifests itself in the form of melancholy, bitterness, and regret. A person literally finds no place for himself due to suffering that he cannot describe in words and convey to others.

Why does a person’s soul hurt? The reasons for this may be:

When we act unfairly with other people, offend loved ones, sooner or later repentance for what we have done comes. Pangs of conscience often cause quite severe mental pain. The best way to get rid of it - ask for forgiveness from the one who was offended and make amends.

If for some reason this is not possible, we advise you to turn to God and light a candle in church for the health of the person who has been harmed. If you are an atheist, write a letter of sincere apology and burn it. Promise yourself that this won't happen again.

1. Death of a loved one.

Everyone has a special circle of dear people in their life. When a mother, father, daughter, sister or soul mate passes away, everything loses its meaning. Mental pain literally fills every cell of the body and borders on the physical. The brain constantly brings us memories back to happy days. The realization that nothing can be returned literally kills physically.

It takes time for the pain of losing a loved one to go away. Give yourself the opportunity to cry, you have the right to grieve. Take a vacation from work and leave all non-urgent tasks. Distribute clothes and personal belongings of the deceased, mentally release him.

A loved one wished you happiness and did not want to hurt you. Write him a letter, tell him that you love him, but are letting him go. And promise that you will live your allotted time on Earth happily and keep in your soul only warm memories of the days spent together.

1. Love suffering.

Non-reciprocal love often causes mental pain, which is unacceptable to share with others. Those who have not experienced such feelings are unlikely to understand the pangs of unrequited affection. One of the best cures for this pain is to switch your attention to something else, to engage yourself in work, study, and physical activity.

Plan your every day so that there is no time left to be alone with yourself. Do you feel like there is an unhealed wound inside? So don’t try to make it even worse with daily torment that everything could have been different. Give it time to “heal”, drive away bad thoughts.

1. Compassion.

Heightened sensitivity to other people's grief keeps you up at night. You feel sorry for everyone who is somehow deprived of fate - the elderly, the disabled, homeless animals, abandoned children. After watching the evening news, you feel upset about how much injustice there is in our world. Compassion is a wonderful feeling that makes us human. But if it interferes with your life, you need to slightly lower the sensitivity threshold.

"Build up your armor." You don't have to be cynical to avoid suffering from other people's pain. It is enough to realize the fact that even Mother Teresa and the Dalai Lama could not help everyone in this world. If you can support another in trouble, do a good deed, but if this is impossible, do not torment yourself. Besides, there is more good in our world than injustice. Pay more attention to the good than the bad.

Excessive knowledge breeds delusion.

"Excessive knowledge creates confusion, mental chaos and ultimately devastation. It is often better not to know than to know. It is better to learn to understand than to accumulate knowledge. You need to know the minimum necessary, but you need to understand as much as possible. Knowledge is passive. Understanding is active. Knowledge is that "What is acquired by others. Understanding is what you gain yourself. Knowledge is possession, understanding is creation. Understanding is the ability to acquire knowledge if necessary and free your head from it after using it."

I don't agree with everything. I just cringe when I attribute my sensations to any designation of a phenomenon. I'm talking about the word "Chaos"

Although a very correct idea. I call modern world"dismembered". This is when Life is divided into small segments, and they are given designations in the form of symbols and formulas. And then these formulas accumulate and describe everything that you, in your limited, conditioned way, wanted to perceive and feel. And this will be the very Knowledge that many are proud of. But, there are others. They live in an undifferentiated flow of the diversity of life, without tying themselves to dead symbols and without conditioning themselves with any specific set of phenomena. They are truly alive, sensitive to the slightest microimpulses, innocently, eternally surprised by everything that could happen to them, they are the essence of any phenomenon, in any period of time-space, they are fluid morphogenic and they have that total Understanding-Knowledge the world as it is.
Chaos with the logic of the Absurd)) That is EXACTLY why he is CHAOS because he is COMPLETELY conscious, he does not need a system so as not to go astray from the route..

Video Why does the SOUL hurt?

How my soul hurts. Symptoms of the disease - pain in the soul

The main reason for the appearance of pain in the soul is situations that most often occurred in early childhood in which you felt very, very bad, but you did not have the opportunity to change this state of affairs. It is clear that a child can rarely resist an adult, and by nature needs love.

An example of such situations could be humiliation, unreasonable punishments, violence, prohibitions, unfulfilled promises, repulsions, restrictions, when a child is left against his will and without explaining anything alone at home, in a hospital, in kindergarten and many other cases that ended in disappointment, deep resentment, fears of death, loneliness, trauma of uselessness, abandonment, and devotion.

As a result, the situation in all its details and details is literally etched into the memory of an adult, plus all the terrible feelings that the person experienced and the conclusion to which he came, for example:
- people cannot be trusted;
- life is not fair;
– I can be abandoned;
- nobody needs me;
- it is impossible to love me;
– it will always be like this (in the sense of bad);
- nothing can be changed...
and many others that destroy our lives. And this is a real pain of the soul, which you cannot pass by and which you cannot turn a blind eye to.

Later in life, sooner or later, situations happen that are somewhat reminiscent of the shock experienced, and since everything is recorded in the memory together - the details of the situation, feelings and conclusions, they also emerge all together, giving rise to an inadequate response. Figuring out why I couldn’t control myself in a seemingly simple situation is very difficult, because its roots lie and are fueled in a much earlier period.

The soul sometimes aches, or even hurts, from various unforeseen situations. There are sore topics that touch sore spots and even wounds. It is advisable not to pour salt on them, otherwise there may be a painful reaction in which the person is no longer responsible for himself.

What can be done? First, reflect, analyze situations and your behavior. Try to figure it out yourself - fortunately, nowadays there is a lot of literature like “Be your own psychologist.” In it you will find a lot of advice on how to change your life, how not to worry about or without reason, how to throw out aggression if it accumulates, how to think positively. And this is great, because, as in the case of a runny nose, you need to be able to cope with the simplest situations yourself, and if you don’t do this, emotional distress can become chronic, which is much more difficult to treat and is also fraught with complications.

Many of our people believe that sick people turn to a psychologist, but this opinion is absolutely wrong. A psychiatrist works with mentally ill people whose psyche is overloaded and whose actions cannot be explained. A psychologist or psychotherapist is a person who works with healthy people. It helps to find the causes of internal anxiety, get rid of it or, say, relieve nervous mental tension, find the cause of pain in the soul and eliminate it.

Basically, when we feel bad, when our soul hurts, we rush to our loved ones or friends for help. But they can't really help. And this happens not because your relatives are not experts in the field of psychology, but primarily because they see the situation through your own eyes. People close to you cannot be objective; in their decisions they are guided only by love for you and pity if you are hurt.

The psychologist is objective, he can assess the situation from both sides, will try to identify the cause of the current situation and find a way out of it.

Why does your soul hurt when you love?

Soul hurts! What to do, how to help yourself? Why not seek outside help? In this case, there are several ways to get out of a negative state. The first and probably most important is the help of a psychologist. Based on just a couple of conversations, a specialist will be able to understand his patient’s problem and help him find a way out of the current situation. Attention: you need to remember that no one will solve the problem better than its owner. There is no need to hope that a psychologist will solve all the issues that trouble your soul. Not at all, he will show ways out of the situation. Next, you will have to act independently. The next option for getting out of a difficult mental situation is the help of parents or other close relatives. It is worth remembering that no one except the dearest and dearest people can help better. Mom, dad, sister, brother, aunts and uncles - these are the individuals who sincerely worry and will try to do everything to help their relative. You should always seek help from your relatives, because they often give very good advice. AND last method, how to calm down emotional distress, feelings - turn to friends for help. These are the people who, most likely, will not delve into the past, but will open their eyes to the present (especially if we're talking about about youth). Only good comrades can spin around in the whirlwind of the day without giving their friend a moment's respite. Study, fun, self-discovery, cinema, exhibitions, discos... There is simply no time left for self-flagellation and unnecessary worries. And there time will pass, and everything will gradually calm down and be forgotten.

We parted, the soul howls, the soul hurts. What to do if you feel cold inside with thoughts that we will never see each other again? Our love is over.

Separating from a loved one is difficult for everyone. But the soul of those with a visual vector suffers especially greatly from a break in relationships. Feelings must rage so that the visual heart beats with happiness. Where, if not as a couple, can you bathe in emotions?

At the end of a relationship, such people feel as if their oxygen has been cut off. The severance of an emotional connection entails a hopeless feeling of melancholy.

I would like to seal my hypersensitive heart into a cone so that it never hurts again. But it’s like leaving a broken leg in a cast forever – it will never learn to function again. The damaged part of the body needs to be developed and taught to move again and again.

The principle of healing the soul is similar. It is necessary to give her the opportunity to do her natural work - to feel, sense, desire, enjoy.

Mental pain - how to relieve it? The systemic recipe is paradoxical, but effective: treat the soul from a lack of love with regular doses of empathy for other people.

For the viewer, this means passing through the emotional states of another, responding to them, and showing compassion. Passively accepting self-love does not help.

Even if you are in pain the most, try to notice someone else with your heart, help him get out of difficult situation. Once you shift your focus from yourself to someone else, the joy of life will return.

Why does my soul hurt and I want to cry? What to do when you feel bad and want to cry

“Without sorrow there is no salvation, but the Kingdom of Heaven awaits those who endure.”

Venerable Seraphim Sarovsky

Depression, loneliness, detachment from the world...

How scary these words are when your soul hurts. Of course, I would like to wish everyone that their hearts will always be bright, that joy will always live in them. But there is no earthly life without pain. Many of us have had or will have moments when we feel bad and want to cry; when you don’t want to see anyone, you don’t want to talk to anyone; when there is no desire to eat or move. It seems that I would lie there for years and wait until my soul hurts and my heart wants to rejoice again. But, as a rule, in life all problems fall on a person and turn into a big snowball. Possible reasons depression: loss of a loved one, troubles at work, lack of variety, loneliness, a premonition of something bad, sad memories, loss of the meaning of life, unrequited love, failures, self-doubt, dissatisfaction with oneself, quarrels, misunderstanding of loved ones, complexes, rumors, lies , “black streak”, betrayal.

What to do when you feel bad and want to cry?

What to do when you feel bad and want to cry? Maybe cry? Yes, this is a great option. It’s a pity that it’s short-term, and after it your head hurts.

Here are a few more ways that may help when you feel bad and want to cry:

1. Start correcting mistakes (if we are talking about them at all, if there is something to correct).
2. Organize a noisy, fun celebration.
3. Workout.
4. Allow yourself to sleep as much as you want.
5. Review your diet. Start eating more dark chocolate, cheese, coffee, bananas, oranges.
6. Relax in a bathhouse, massage, spa, etc.
7. Go on a trip.
8. Do meditation.
9. Seek help from a doctor, coach, or psychologist.
10. Immerse yourself in difficult work.
11. Walk more and relax in nature.
12. Start a renovation.
13. Go shopping.
14. Do charity work.

Personally, being an Orthodox person, I advise you to confess and receive communion. Priests call depression the cry of the soul about its ill-being. You should not fall into the sin called “despondency.”

What to do when you feel bad and want to cry, everyone can decide for themselves. The main thing is to do something. Of course, time heals any wounds. But it is precisely that moment when mental pain pours over the edge that you also need to be able to experience correctly.

What not to do when you feel bad and want to cry:

• Tirelessly analyze your condition, constantly replay traumatic events in your head.
• Ask yourself questions: “Why do I need this?”, “Why did this happen to me?” If you really can’t ask questions, then it’s better to think: “Why (for what purpose) were the tests sent?”
• Blame yourself or someone else.
• Develop a plan for self-destruction.

Depression is dangerous in all its forms. Remember this. I recommend Sinelnikov’s book “Love your illness.”

Yes, it is difficult (or even impossible) to give recommendations on the topic “What to do when you feel bad at heart and want to cry” in one article. I just want to ask you to accept all trials with gratitude. They make us stronger. Or I really want to believe it.

What do you do when you feel bad and want to cry?

When the soul hurts. Quotes about pain in the soul

Do you know when we finally lose people dear to us? When we no longer feel the pain of losing them.

"Lauren Oliver"

When driving a nail into a person’s soul, remember that even if you pull it out with your apologies, you still leave a hole there.

A mental wound, like a physical one, heals only from the inside with the bulging force of life.

"Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy"

I hate love... You delete his number from the phone book, but you remember it by heart, you want to forget these damned numbers, but there’s a pounding in your temples... Tears... Pain... Morning and again, all over again...

Something hurts: not a tooth, not a head, not a stomach, no-no-no-... but it hurts. This is the soul.

"Marina Tsvetaeva"

Sometimes good memories hurt more than bad ones.

"D. Depp"

Know how to keep all the pain inside, people don’t care about your feelings.

When I feel bad, I start to remain silent. It's easier for me to lock the pain inside. Without harming another. I don’t care that she’s slowly eating me up from the inside.

It hurt too much the last time to risk it again.

Pain is the reason we feel human.

It's amazing how quickly you shut yourself off from the past when you have something to occupy your hands and head. You can survive anything, even the most terrible pain. You just need something to distract you.

"Chuck Palahniuk"

There will always be people who will hurt you. You need to continue to trust people, just be a little more careful.

"Gabriel Garcia Marquez"

Never hurt a person when that person is ready to do anything for you.

"F. M. Dostoevsky"

I don't understand why they call it heartbreak. It feels like all the bones are broken too.

No one will ever experience someone else's pain; everyone is destined to have their own.

"Colin McCullough"

There is no greater pain than the pain of a broken heart.

The calmer a person is on the outside, the more pain he has on the inside.

Let them tell me anything to hurt me. They know me too little to know what really hurts me.

"Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche"

Any change is accompanied by pain. If you don't feel pain, then nothing has changed.

"Mel Gibson"

I didn't want you to get hurt. You yourself wanted me to tame you.

My soul is wide open, come in, take it, steal - I’m not afraid of becoming poor. There is too much war behind me... Draw me the sky, and draw the sun in it for me, And become a little in love with me...

When you are in pain, don’t show it, because when they finish you off, it hurts even more.

Whoever said time heals all wounds lied. Time only helps you learn to bear the blow, and then live with these wounds.

There are moments in life when tears cloud your eyes, but it is a thousand times harder when your soul cries but your eyes are dry.

And sometimes it can be so sad. And sometimes it’s so much fun and no one will guess what pain is in your heart.

Restraining yourself when it’s offensive and not making a scene when it hurts is what an ideal woman is.

"Coco Chanel"

My soul paid for the revelation, choked on the spit that was “awarded” to it for being open.

You grow up when you are able to smile at someone who hurt you.

Let there be pain, let there be suffering. Walk through the dark night and you will reach a beautiful sunrise. Only in the womb of the night does the sun develop. Only in the darkness of the night does morning come.

The soul is the biggest mystery. People don't understand where she is, but they feel the pain she causes.

Soul hurts. Poems about heartache

Poems: beautiful | short

When a tear drips from pain...
When your heart beats with fear...
When the soul hides from the light...
When life is torn apart from grief...
You sit quietly in silence...
Close your eyes, and realizing that you are tired...
Tell yourself in private...
I will be happy! Through thick and thin!!!

They don't understand me
I live in my own world,
I'll be lonely
Sit in your apartment.
I'll lock it up
AND your door, and soul,
Hiding the pain behind a mask
Cheerful, good-natured.
Everyone in the world will think
That I'm always like this
But reality is rash
After all, I'm completely different.

Have you ever been in love?
To the point of madness, to the point of pain.
Howled frantically into the pillow,
For having such a share?
And clenching his teeth in impotence.
At heart he is sometimes affectionate, sometimes rude.
Trying to turn the world upside down
Just to know the essence of that life.
Tried to punch
Bleeding my knuckles,
Even go on a drinking binge,
When was it really hard?
Have you ever been in love?
To the point of muteness, to the point of trembling in the body.
When you can't scream anymore,
And my nerves are at their limit.
When there are no tears, but screaming in your ears,
Mute, yelling, you're deafened.
And you looked at the images,
Praying for that love obediently?
Have you ever been in love? ...
Do you know how to listen to the heart?

I was waiting for the call, like waiting for salvation.
“Hello, son, I’m so glad...
Yes, I accept congratulations,
Yes, anniversary... year, year.
How about you, aren’t you sick?
Thank God I'm healthy.
yes, yes I know it's getting late
and the guests are all already at the table...
Thank you for congratulating me,
May God protect your family.
bye son... hurry up... I know
I kiss you and put down a straw..."
My son called and a tear rolled down.
what a blessing for her...
“I hear a voice, this is mercy,
I would like to see your face."

But he lives, just a stone’s throw away...
and every day I pass by.
eight years already... don't you know
that you are her son, dear, beloved.
I'd like to take a look at you
ninth she is already ten,
you insult your mother in vain...
and I’m not guilty before you.
Someday, maybe you'll understand.
but it will be too late, you will regret it.
how do you live without her...
without the one that life has given and believes...

Love can't be killed
Love dies itself
Love cannot be forgotten
While I'm in love with him.
Love can't be killed
Believe me, I tried more than once
We can only love
And drop tears from your eyes.
Love is like a phoenix from the ashes
From burnt hearts again and again
Reborn so imperceptibly
It hurts the soul... Love...
Can't be torn apart
The pieces will close again,
We all just want happiness
And I just want to wake up...
Erase...Destroy...Forget...
He's happy without me anyway.
Don't think... Don't live... Don't love...
Don't cry...Don't believe...Don't wait.....

Between us are the fires of dying days,
The flammable smoke makes your eyes water,
And the desire to be together is sharper and stronger,
But the mind is cruelly dispassionate - it’s impossible.
Between us are the ruins of burnt bridges,
Labyrinths of doubts, ravines of separation,
The faded ligature of unsolved dreams,
And tits pecking time from the hands.
From me to you there are kilometers of melancholy,
A lonely string barely audible motive,
Even if you can’t see anything from the smoky wind,
But I know you exist, and I hope to get there.

You shouted: “East, rise up!”
They called: “East, don’t be silent!
Fight for freedom and truth!”
Now what? Are you executioners for us?..

Look at Us -
Here, side by side: Ukrainian, Tatar, Georgian...
THIS is truth and THIS is freedom
In the East the people are all ONE!

There's enough room for any of us here,
We live by love and faith.
We are for Peace, for Unity, for Honesty!
If necessary, we will die for them...

May there be more kindness in the world -
Let's smile at each other in the bustle.
It's good that you noticed me
And I am in an unexpected crowd.
I am ready to share my joy.
And you, too, share yours.
Our whole life is about prohibitions and boundaries.
And I want life to be happy!
Do you hear the birdsong? These are sounds!
Do you see the sun in the sky? This is light!
Do you feel warm? We shook hands.
Well, hello, friend! Haven't seen each other for a hundred years.
Forgotten joy? Here she is - alive!
I’ll illuminate you with a smile, and you’ll glow...
Kindness lives in us and does not fade away.
We fill our lives with it!

Resist, do not be silent, do not bow to fate in vain.
It’s better to scream, break a beautiful vessel in the hearts,
And fell on a pile of shards, as if on fragments of his life
Manage to glue them together again, gathering all the strength in the body.
You can give free rein to tears, you can freak out and get angry,
But send your life to hell and go down to hell
You can’t, you don’t have rights, since you have a child,
You lost the luxury of not caring about everything with his birth.
And how, drowning in debauchery and choking in alcohol
Can you look into a child's eyes without any pain?
And even if the pain is dull, and the heart is dull from a hangover,
You can’t test, you can’t, test the strength of a child’s patience.
Of course, he will withstand everything, he will not stop loving you,
He won’t accuse you of anything, he’ll just become an adult too early.
And if this is for you, there is no reason to be more persistent in life.
I was late with advice, alas, you are already in the underworld.

More poems: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 >

For headaches, you can take a pill. What to do if your soul hurts? What is the reason for this moral state and how to return peace and joy to your life?

What is mental pain and its causes

Even skeptics who do not recognize the existence of the soul experience feelings of affection, love, and compassion. In the event of the loss of a loved one or when seeing someone else's misfortune, a feeling of heaviness arises in the solar plexus area. Often mental pain manifests itself in the form of melancholy, bitterness, and regret. A person literally finds no place for himself due to suffering that he cannot describe in words and convey to others.

Why does a person’s soul hurt? The reasons for this may be:

When we act unfairly with other people, offend loved ones, sooner or later repentance for what we have done comes. Pangs of conscience often cause quite severe mental pain. The best way to get rid of it is to ask for forgiveness from the one who was offended and make amends.

If for some reason this is not possible, we advise you to turn to God and light a candle in church for the health of the person who has been harmed. If you are an atheist, write a letter of sincere apology and burn it. Promise yourself that this won't happen again.

1. Death of a loved one.

Everyone has a special circle of dear people in their life. When a mother, father, daughter, sister or soul mate passes away, everything loses its meaning. Mental pain literally fills every cell of the body and borders on the physical. The brain constantly brings us memories of happy days. The realization that nothing can be returned literally kills physically.

It takes time for the pain of losing a loved one to go away. Give yourself the opportunity to cry, you have the right to grieve. Take a vacation from work and leave all non-urgent tasks. Distribute clothes and personal belongings of the deceased, mentally release him.

A loved one wished you happiness and did not want to hurt you. Write him a letter, tell him that you love him, but are letting him go. And promise that you will live your allotted time on Earth happily and keep in your soul only warm memories of the days spent together.

1. Love suffering.

often causes mental pain, which is not customary to share with others. Those who have not experienced such feelings are unlikely to understand the pangs of unrequited affection. One of the best cures for this pain is to switch your attention to something else, to engage yourself in work, study, and physical activity.

Plan your every day so that there is no time left to be alone with yourself. Do you feel like there is an unhealed wound inside? So don’t try to make it even worse with daily torment that everything could have been different. Give it time to “heal”, drive away bad thoughts.

1. Compassion.

Heightened sensitivity to other people's grief keeps you up at night. You feel sorry for everyone who is somehow deprived of fate - the elderly, the disabled, homeless animals, abandoned children. After watching the evening news, you feel upset about how much injustice there is in our world. Compassion is a wonderful feeling that makes us human. But if it interferes with your life, you need to slightly lower the sensitivity threshold.

"Build up your armor." You don't have to be cynical to avoid suffering from other people's pain. It is enough to realize the fact that even Mother Teresa and the Dalai Lama could not help everyone in this world. If you can support another in trouble, do a good deed, but if this is impossible, do not torment yourself. Besides, there is more good in our world than injustice. Pay more attention to the good than the bad.

Relationship with a loved one

People who experience mutual love feelings, have a family or spiritual relationship with each other may experience mental pain if a loved one is in trouble. This is an interesting phenomenon that has not been fully studied by science. If you have noticed this in yourself, appreciate this gift.

But this phenomenon also has back side medals. Very often, worries about loved ones who are far away are far-fetched. If your imagination often draws pictures of terrible events that could happen to your children, spouse, mother, or you, then you need to fight this. The reasons for this may be:

• excessive impressionability;
• desire to keep everything under control;
• thyroid diseases;
• fear of loss or death;
• fear of the future;
• nervousness and fatigue;
• "black streak" in life.

You have the power to fight such conditions. First, try to independently determine why you are having such thoughts. How often does this happen? Do you ever have panic attacks? If necessary, consult a psychologist, get tested necessary tests. Hormonal imbalances are one of the most common causes of an increased anxiety threshold.

Sometimes it’s enough to set up a daily schedule, get enough sleep, and devote enough time physical activity, Healthy food. Contact your doctor to prescribe vitamins that strengthen your nervous system. Practice relaxation breathing techniques. And get rid of the habit of controlling everything!

Depression and mental pain

Moral suffering can lead to depression. In this case, you should sound the alarm. We recommend that you consult a psychologist. Long-term depressive states cannot be triggered. They can be fatal. Heart attack, stroke, suicidal behavior, refusal of food, water and contact with other people - these are just a few " side effects"Heartache.

Often close people notice that a person is literally fading away, but do not take any measures. It is considered indecent to interfere in someone else’s personal suffering, as we say - “to get into the soul.” But sometimes excessive tactfulness can cost a human life.

If you notice signs of depression in a loved one or yourself, consult a therapist. Don't put off visiting your doctor. The sooner you start treatment, the faster you will return to normal life!

Fall of Illusions

Mental pain is often a companion to personal growth. The stages of changing one's ideological views cannot pass without losses. Often the very events that served as a catalyst for such changes entail disappointment, a feeling of melancholy, and pain from the fall of illusions.

The main culprit of mental anguish is often self-deception, which sooner or later can no longer completely turn a blind eye to what brings discomfort in life. A woman who justifies her husband's inaction and alcoholism suddenly begins to realize that not everyone lives like this, and she can no longer put up with it. One day a man “sees the light” and realizes that his other half has not loved him for a long time and is only interested in financial side cohabitation.

Suddenly, a student may admit to himself that he chose the wrong specialty, and a family man may realize that, by and large, he is a bad father. The mother understands that her son has gone “down the wrong path.” The careerist admits with horror that his passion for work is nothing more than the fear of admitting to himself that he has nothing else to fill his life with.

Such sudden insights often entail heartache, but in this case it is a beautiful pain. She is the harbinger of a new stage. All that remains is to draw conclusions from your mistakes and take a step forward. Don't be afraid to say goodbye to the past and your illusions. Life is a journey. Rejoice at the changes and every new turn of fate!

Elena, Moscow

Your “heart is out of place”, you do not feel physical pain, this symptom indicates pain in your soul, moral distress. What to do in such a situation and how to survive this period?

Mental pain can be of different types, sometimes it can be far-fetched, without any particular reason for it.

And sometimes your soul hurts so much that you want to cry or run for three nine lands. Perhaps it's waiting for you another blow fate, what to do to avoid disastrous consequences?

The concept of “soul” is very abstract; mental pain is a very complex thing, because it is impossible to cope with it in a short time with the help of pills and other medications.

If you do not start health therapy in a timely manner, you can pay with your life. In order to avoid this, you need to change your attitude towards life and reality in general.

Visual form of communication

When your soul aches for a loved one, perhaps for someone who is no longer around, you need not to give up and not become a victim of circumstances, but to use a form of visualization.

Imagine this person in front of you, draw joyful pictures in your imagination, experience positive emotions, and be able to feel them.

Take your mind off the bad

Perhaps you have an unsettled personal life, and that is why you are in such a bad mood.

Something is missing in life, depression is not far away, you urgently need to cheer up, find yourself an interesting hobby that will help fill the space that has arisen.

If you don’t have the funds for expensive trips, you can arrange ordinary get-togethers with friends, watch an interesting film, preferably a comedy one, let this evening be dedicated only to positive moments.

It happens that a person’s soul hurts if he experiences loneliness, there are no friends, family and friends are far away. You can figure out your problems, you need to start meditating, accept the idea that you are not alone, there are so many people around who are ready to accept you and love you like a loved one.

If you meditate correctly and regularly, the inner emptiness will soon be filled with happiness; thanks to meditation, you can look at the world with different eyes and achieve the desired heights.

Sometimes we can do more than we expect from ourselves. Perhaps it is enough for you to stop communicating with people who cause unpleasant emotions, or not to watch the news, which constantly upsets and causes negative emotions.

If the past is gone, then you don’t need to keep it in your soul, reproach yourself for bad deeds, retribution will come for them, and why remind yourself again that everything is so bad. Such emotions poison life and make it intolerable.

Put things in order in your soul, regain peace and tranquility, become happy and confident in yourself and your actions. Forgive everyone for the insults, bitterness, and disappointment caused.

Basic postulates on the path to soul purification

There is a popular saying that time will heal everything, even mental wounds. A person needs to get enough of his experiences for some time, let go of the problem, and gradually say goodbye to it.

Time will pass and there will be no trace of the experience, you need to remember this. Look confidently into the future, not into the past. When trying to understand your experiences, you cannot get too bogged down in the problem so that it does not drag you on for a long time.

When your soul hurts, you can look for outside support. One of the right ways- psychologist, only a specialist can find a way out of this situation. But if for some reason you do not want to go to him, then you can use the help of your parents or other relatives.

If we talk about drug treatment, then you need to be careful here, yes, antidepressants can relieve pain for a while, but mental wounds from such exposure do not disappear.

Such medications should only be prescribed by a doctor, based on the results of your examination. It’s better to try to avoid chemicals and learn to cope with all emotions and experiences on your own.

Have a heart to heart talk

This is an excellent remedy for treating mental pain, the main thing is to choose the right person to talk to, so that tomorrow half the world won’t know about your troubles. If some things or photographs evoke negative emotions in you, remove them, remove them from your life.

Conclusion!

We must always remember that hopeless situations do not exist. If you calm down and look at the world sensibly, then you will definitely find a way out. Fate thanks those who do not give up, move on, knock on every door.

May the negative past be left behind and a bright future come into your life. Come up with a picture of a beautiful bright day and live with these joyful emotions.

To receive more, give! This brings great moral satisfaction, gratitude and encouragement from others improves your mood and gives positive emotions.

Try to always think positively and then all the bad things will pass you by!

A. Demkin
If your soul hurts... What to do if your soul feels bad?

© 2011-2015, Andrey Demkin, St. Petersburg.
Reprinting or other full or partial reproduction of the material is permitted only with the written permission of the author.

What to do if your soul hurts, if your soul feels bad?

10 steps to overcome the crisis.

10 steps personal experience way out of a mental crisis. One of the possible solutions.

“Without sorrow there is no salvation, but the Kingdom of Heaven awaits those who endure.”
Venerable Seraphim of Sarov

Each of us has had, has and will have moments or periods when the soul feels unbearably bad, when the soul hurts and grieves. I don’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to move... At such moments, I can’t believe that someday my soul will get over the pain and learn to rejoice again. It is impossible to look into the future in such a state. You see only a blank wall in front of you and bitter losses or mistakes behind you. Can't sleep at night. There is no strength for anything... It is very, very difficult to get out of such a state of mind. My soul hurts, my soul feels bad...

If you hear that someone is trying to engage in a conversation with you in your thoughts, do not answer. Say: " Get away from me, unclean spirit, I don’t want to listen to you, I believe, worship, and serve only my Lord Jesus Christ.». Give your thoughts simple and healthy food - prayers: use the simple and short rule of St. Ignatius Brianchaninov: “ Thank God for everything! God! I surrender to Your Holy will! Thy will be with me! God! I thank You for everything that You have been pleased to send to me. I accept what is worthy according to my deeds; remember me, Lord, in Your Kingdom!"Immerse yourself in these thoughts. Read the Jesus Prayer to yourself as often as possible: “ Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner " If you are closer to the appeal to the Mother of God, read: “ Holy Mother of God have mercy on me " You will notice how every day prayers give you more and more strength, how the forces of evil retreat from you. In the morning, getting out of bed after reading these simple prayers, turn your face to the west (where the sun usually sets) and say: “I renounce you, Satan, and all your works, and all your angels, and all your service, and all your pride.” yours." Then blow in the same direction. The same words must be said in the evening after the prayer “May God rise again.” Before lying down in bed, saying a prayer May God rise again, and may His enemies be scattered, and may they flee from His presence. As smoke disappears, let them disappear; just as wax melts in the face of fire, so let demons perish in the presence of those who love God and are signified sign of the cross, and in joy they say: Rejoice, Most Honest and Life-Giving Cross of the Lord, drive away the demons by force on You, the crucified Lord Jesus Christ, who descended into hell and trampled upon the power of the devil, and gave us Himself, His Honest Cross to drive away every adversary. O Most Honest and Life-Giving Cross of the Lord! Help me with the Holy Lady Virgin Mary and with all the saints forever. Amen. After reading the prayer, cross all four cardinal directions and your bed with your hand. Ask to bring you holy water from a temple or holy spring. Sprinkle your home, your bed, yourself with holy water and drink holy water with prayer: Oh my God, may your holy gift and your holy water be for the forgiveness of my sins, for the enlightenment of my mind, for the strengthening of my mental and physical strength, for the health of my soul and body, for the subjugation of my passions and infirmities, according to Thy infinite mercy through the prayers of Thy Most Pure Mother and all Thy Saints. Amen. When you feel strong enough to go outside, ask someone close to you to take you to. Accompanied by a loved one whom you trust, try to bathe three times in the waters of the holy spring. The waters of the holy spring have great healing powers and are capable of driving away the most powerful demons. If there are no holy springs in your area, with the help of an accompanying person, wade the river or stream three times, trying to plunge into your head. If there is no river in your area, pour holy water from the temple on the top of your head. It is believed that demons “sit” there. After bathing, it’s good to go to the hairdresser: cut off the ends of your hair, where “demons” can sit. When, after washing, you gain more strength, visit the temple for the sacrament of Blessing of Unction, or Anointing of Unction or Unction. Through this Sacrament, believers are given the healing power of God, which also significantly weakens the action of demons. Also, forgotten and unconscious sins are forgiven. The sacrament consists of sevenfold anointing blessed oil parts of the body (forehead, nostrils, cheeks, lips, chest and hands), which is preceded by the reading of the Apostle, the Gospel, a short litany and prayer for the healing of a person and the forgiveness of his sins. During anointing, the priest prays, places the Gospel on the person’s head with the letters facing down, and says a prayer of absolution from sins. The soul becomes lighter. The pain recedes. Let's move on to confession and communion. It is best to confess in a monastery located far from tourist routes. It is necessary to find out in advance which of the monks is more experienced in this matter, because a lot depends on the personality of the confessor. If there are no spiritually sensible priests nearby, you will have to find out from the believers where they are and go there. Your future depends on the quality of this confession! It should not be general, but only individual. If there are no monasteries nearby, find out about quiet rural parishes, where there are no tourists, where there are few people, and the priest will have time to attend to you. Prayer to your Guardian Angel: Holy Angel of the Lord, my Guardian, save and preserve my soul from the snares of the enemy. In the Leningrad and Pskov regions I can recommend for confession: For women: Tvorozhkovsky Monastery and Vvedeno-Oyatsky Monastery For men: Krypetsky Monastery Rural parishes: Zaruchye and Pribuzh. The “Mental Cross” technique for treating anxiety, fears and restlessness We suggest familiarizing yourself with the drug-free “Mental Cross” technique, which helps relieve unaccountable and constant anxiety, improve sleep, and process obsessive thoughts and painful memories. To restore normal night sleep, use our video or audio classes "Healing Dreams" . Before your doctor prescribes treatment (if necessary), you can support your strength with one of the most harmless medicines, which simply consists of the metal Magnesium and vitamin B6: Magne B6(France, more expensive) or Magnelis B6 (Russia, cheaper). This remedy helps to quickly relieve internal tension. Clinical studies have shown that therapy with Magne B6 can reliably improve mental and somatic (vegetative) manifestations of anxiety with the same effectiveness as the use of tranquilizers, and its antidepressant effect is comparable to the use of antidepressants. But here it is important to note that therapy with a magnesium-containing drug, and in particular Magne B6 Forte, should be long-term - from 2-3 months to a year. The minimum period of treatment with magnesium-containing preparations is 2 months - it can be recommended for young people under the age of 40 years. For persons over 40 years of age, the drug should be taken for 2-3 to 6 months. People under acute or chronic stress need to take magnesium throughout the period negative impact stress factors. For chronic stress in the absence of kidney disease, it is possible to recommend taking the drug Magnerot(500 mg magnesium) 1-2 tablets per day. Magnerot can be taken long time- throughout the duration of the stress-causing factors. Magnerot is cheaper than Magne B6. Another harmless remedy for the treatment of anxiety, tension, low mood and sleep disorders is ordinary valerian (valerian extract). However, to use valerian effectively, it must be used in the correct doses. The clinically proven effective effect of valerian extract begins with a single dose of 100 mg (this is 5 tablets of valerian extract 20 mg each). For increased anxiety, irritability, and neuromuscular tension, prescribe 100 mg of valerian extract 3 times a day. Before bedtime (an hour before bedtime) take 400-460 mg of valerian (20-23 tablets of 20 mg each). Taking valerian in such doses reduces the time of sleep onset by 9-11 minutes, makes sleep deeper, and reduces the number of night awakenings. The recommended duration of treatment with valerian is up to 28 days. Ratio of valerian extract dose to valerian root weight: 200 mg of valerian extract is equivalent to 1 g of dry valerian root. That is, to prepare daily portions of valerian, you will need 0.5 g of dry valerian root per dose, and before bedtime - 2 g of dry valerian root. Another good medicine that is sold in pharmacies without a prescription is Afobazole. Afobazole reduces the feeling of constant anxiety (concern, bad feelings, fears), reduces irritability and tearfulness, reduces constant tension, improves sleep, gives more strength and self-confidence, improves concentration and attention. Afobazole does not reduce the speed of psychomotor reactions, does not reduce muscle strength, and its use can be combined with driving a car or performing other complex operator activities. Also, afobazole is not addictive. Afobazole is taken 1 tablet (10 mg) 3 times a day after meals. Relief of anxiety and neuropsychic tension occurs already on the 2-3rd day of taking afobazole. A pronounced effect develops on days 5-7. The course of treatment with afobazole is 2-4 weeks, depending on the effect. The maximum effect develops by the 4th week of taking afobazole. Side effects: when starting to take afobazole, you may experience headache, which will go away within a few days from the start of treatment. Allergic reactions are possible. Be sure to consult your doctor before taking afobazole! To support the body during acute and chronic stress, it is important to eat foods that contain substances that reduce the manifestations of stress. Psychophysiological method of self-regulation by A. Demkin “Unloading” under conditions of severe stress. Which saint should you pray to on what occasions?Orthodox prayers for different occasions.