He could be your husband or significant other who is far away, he could be your ex with whom you want to reunite, or he could be your friend with whom you want something more. If you want to make him miss you, there are several ways to do it.

1. Add mystery and an element of surprise to your meetings with him.

Don't tell him everything about yourself at once. Men love a little mystery. Surprise him with spontaneity. Invite him to do something unexpected. Men don't like it when they're bored.

2. Leave him something of your own.

Leave a little reminder of yourself at his place or in his car. It could be your earring or ring - when he sees it, he will remember you and want to see you. BUT - do not leave a toothbrush or other personal items that may scare him as if you are already moving in with him.

3. Always leave him wanting more.

Men want what they don't have. If you give him what he wants right away without making him fight for you, he will no longer be interested. Flirt, but don't give him everything. Make him earn your kiss, for example. He will appreciate you more if you challenge him without being too hard to get.

4. Don't always be available for meetings.

When you attract him, don't give all your time to him. He won't miss you if you're always there. Instead of spending the whole weekend with him, spend one evening with him and then meet your friends. By allowing him to spend time apart from you, you will appear confident and less intrusive.

5. Spend time with friends and share your adventures with him.

When you spend time apart, then share with him what you did. He needs to know that you are having fun without him. He will be happy for you, but he will also be jealous. And he will definitely like a woman who knows how to be happy and enjoy life more.

Share moments from your life online so that he can see you independent and happy without him. Just no fakes, no private messages to him with your photos, just be yourself, just update your feed. And he will want to be near you!

7. Transform yourself.

This is especially effective with exes. Maybe this new haircut, new style, new figure. This will not only give you confidence but will also make your ex miss you. Transform yourself and go where you can meet him.

8. Treat him like a friend.

Don't show that you miss him, especially if he expects it. When you treat him just like a friend, it will intrigue him even more and he won't be able to stop thinking about you.

9. Be happy.

This is for sure best advice. Be happy. Don't wear a mask. Be happy because you deserve to be happy. Do what you want and have always wanted. Maybe he will look and want to be with you. Or maybe not, but then you won’t care anymore, because you’ll be happy anyway!

During working week many of us dream about the weekend, imagining how they will lie in bed and do nothing. When the long-awaited hours of rest arrive, boredom can spoil the idle pastime. Read our article about how dangerous this condition is for humans and what it can lead to.

Boredom and who is susceptible to it

According to the Great encyclopedic dictionary, “boredom is a type of negatively colored emotion; a passive mental state, characterized by a decrease in activity, increasing irritation, lack of interest in any activity, the surrounding world and other people.”

Despite the fact that people began to get bored long before our appearance, the word “boredom” itself appeared, for example, in the English lexicon, relatively recently - in 1852. It was first used by famous writer Charles Dickens in the novel " Bleak House”, in which he spoke about the life of Milady Dedlock - a woman “dying of boredom” in her marriage.

“My Lady Dedlock, having conquered her little world (having married a rich man 20 years older than her - editor's note), not only did not shed tears, but seemed to freeze. Weary self-control, the indifference of satiety, such equanimity of fatigue that no interests or pleasures can stir it up - these are the victorious trophies of this woman. She carries herself impeccably. If she were taken to heaven tomorrow, she would probably go up there without expressing the slightest delight,” wrote the author of Bleak House.

Later, the symptoms of boredom described by Dickens were confirmed Scientific research. One of the first scientists to show interest in melancholy was John Eastwood, a psychologist at York University in Toronto (Canada).

In 2012, he and his colleagues attempted to define boredom scientifically. Study published on the American Psychological Association (APA) website.

Experts have studied many theories and conducted hundreds of interviews to find out exactly how people feel when they are bored. As a result, psychologists concluded that boredom is closely related to our attention.

“A person becomes bored at the moment when he cannot concentrate his attention on something. As a result, he simply has nothing to do,” says Eastwood.

According to the psychologist, two clearly defined personality types, two opposites, are especially susceptible to mortal melancholy:

1. People who are impulsive by nature are constantly looking for new emotions. Measured flow Everyday life seems too bland to them. " The world they are not stimulated enough,” says Eastwood.
2. Trying to isolate themselves from danger, suspicious people can lock themselves at home and do nothing. “They pull away because they are too sensitive to pain,” says the scientist.

Why is boredom dangerous?

It is not difficult to guess that boredom is not the most pleasant human emotion. Scientists add that it leads people to self-destruction. By the way, during one of research, in which a group of South African teenagers took part, it turned out that boredom is main reason abuse of alcohol, tobacco and marijuana.

Scientists from University College London observed the lives of 18 thousand officials aged 20 to 64 for 10 years. It turned out that those who were bored at work had a 30% increased risk of dying in the next three years. This is due to the fact that people who had nothing to do often took a smoke break, constantly chewed something, and moved little. All this, as experts note, directly affects the increase in pressure, the occurrence of cardiovascular diseases and the emergence of obesity.

Is it healthy to be bored?

“I’ve met a lot of people who are capable of boring people, but Sandi Mann practices this craft professionally,” he wrote in his article“Green melancholy... What are the harms and benefits of boredom” BBC journalist David Robson.

We are talking about research by a British psychologist, author of the book “Hacking Psychology,” Sandi Mann from the University of Central Lancashire (UK). She gave all the volunteers who came to her laboratory monotonous work, for example, asked them to rewrite long list telephone numbers. As a rule, the experiment participants coped well with the tasks, but they did it reluctantly, constantly fidgeting in their chairs, yawning and glancing at their watches.

Is there any benefit from this suffering?

Let us note that the participants in the experiment were not bored in vain. Over the course of many years of research and observation, Mann found that boredom can be both a dangerous and harmful state of mind that has a negative impact on human health, and a driver of progress.

Before giving volunteers a task, Mann asked them to take a test that included questions about lateral thinking. After completing the work, volunteers were asked to answer the same questions again. Surprisingly, the participants' performance improved. The psychologist suggests that the routine helped thoughts flow in a voluntary direction, which contributed to the development of associative and creative thinking.

“If there are no external stimuli, we look for internal ones - we start thinking about different things,” Mann explains the results of the experiment. - It develops imagination. We go beyond the usual boundaries and think outside the box,” she concludes.

Research by other scientists only confirms Mann's conclusions.

In particular, professor of psychology from the University of Pennsylvania (USA) Angela Duckworth believes that boredom, like other emotions, emerged as a result of human evolutionary development for a specific purpose. For example, fear and anxiety were necessary for survival, and boredom was necessary for the development of mental thinking. Without it, Duckworth believes, we would repeat the same actions over and over again. And boredom makes us move on, strive for something interesting, learn something new.

Is it possible to get used to boredom and love it?

Given that boredom can be a driver of progress, Mann advises embracing it with joy.

“Instead of being bored in a traffic jam, I turn on music and think about something distracted. I know it's good for me. I allow my children to be bored too: it helps them develop creative skills,” she says.

In turn, Canadian psychologist John Eastwood from York University strongly doubts the benefits of boredom, but at the same time admits that you still shouldn’t drive it away at any cost.

“This feeling is so unpleasant that people try to get rid of it right away. I’m not going to join this war against boredom and look for some recipes against it, because we should listen to this emotion and understand what the body is trying to tell us,” says the scientist.

The cure for boredom

According to scientists, boredom is associated with mind wandering - when people are bored, they become immersed in their thoughts, which makes them feel even more bored. For the same reason, we begin to feel sad when we are alone, alone with our own thoughts. Experts believe that keeping yourself busy with something will the best way get rid of boredom.

“By nature, it is important for a person to feel that he has an influence on the world, and that the environment suits him. This is as important as light, fresh air and food,” says Eastwood.

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Feeling sad for someone is always hard. Did he leave? close person for a short period of time, broke up with you, died or simply moved to another city, the pain and sadness that arises is quite normal. To stop missing someone, you need to learn strategies for overcoming the difficulties you face. With their help, you can continue to move forward, find peace, humble yourself and realize that even after losing a person, you can continue to remember him.

Steps

Actions during short-term separation

Keep track of the days. Cross out the past days on the calendar and congratulate yourself every time on another day you have lived. Always focus solely on the current day. Not having a loved one around will change the course of your life somewhat. When you are forced to manage everything alone, it is very important to focus on getting through each new day successfully!

Focus on other relationships. Time is a very valuable commodity. Now you have enough time to pay attention to other close people who are also important to you, but with whom you do not spend quality time as often as you would like. For example, you may want to spend more time with your partner, spouse, friends, and estranged relatives.

Send parcels. Prepare and send parcels to the person who has left. Every purchase you make for that person will give you an opportunity to think about them, make something for them, and then send it through the mail with love. If your spouse has left and you have children with him, set aside one free evening during the week to draw pictures and make crafts together with your children that can be included in the package for your other half.

Take time to do small things. Housework is healthy way a distraction that also helps improve your environment. Concentrate on doing those things that will make time pass quickly. Some days may be more difficult than others, but you can always find something to do at home.

• For example, during the holidays, when your roommate is away, you can decorate your living space. Do something that the returning person will be very pleased to see. Even simple cleaning and systematization of things will bear fruit. You will keep yourself busy with something that will have a positive effect on the condition of the premises.
• Add indoor flowers to fill your living space with vitality.
• Wash the windows. Nobody likes looking at the view from a window through dirty glass. A clean window will make the view noticeably better.
• Paint the rusted fence.
• Oil squeaky doors, fix dripping faucets, or have broken items repaired.
• Take care of appearance facade of your house. If you plant flowers along the path to the house or put them on the porch beautiful plant in a pot, your mood will noticeably improve.

1. Start some long-term project. There are always things that require a lot of time and effort to complete. If you have enough time, consider initiating a project that you will work on until your loved one returns. This way, you will both be looking forward to seeing the final results of your work, and you will have to constantly strive to fulfill your promise.

   • If your wife has been sent on a long business trip, tell her that you are planning to build a wooden gazebo in the backyard.
   • If you have children, start doing a project with them that will help you all get through the absence of a loved one together.
   • Start the fruit garden you've always wanted to start.
   • Start saving for a good cause or an important purchase for your spouse. Keeping progress reports will help her understand that you miss her, love her, and are looking forward to her home.

2. Think about ways to communicate while apart. Chat via Skype, email, letters or postcards. These means of communication are preferable to others, since a person always remains waiting for the next contact. When you write a letter to your loved one, you feel closer to him, and receiving a response gives you a feeling of admiration. Positive emotions distributed over time help to cope with separation more easily.

   Don't be lazy and stay active. Don't wander around the house aimlessly or lie in bed. Spend more time outside with friends. Try to maintain a comfortably busy schedule, including spending time doing something exciting to look forward to the future.

   Focus on the positive. Breaking up a relationship can make you remember all the bad things about it. Try, on the contrary, to identify in past relationships positive aspects and understand what they taught you so you can use the lessons learned in the future. Know how to appreciate the experience gained.

   Coping with the death of a loved one

   1. Allow yourself to grieve. If you are faced with the death of a loved one, then you need to grieve for some time to come to terms with this fact. You won't be able to stop missing someone unless you give yourself time to calm down, release your emotions, and grieve the loss.

      Treasure the memory of the person. That's exactly how you are in a healthy way You will begin to move on in life, preserving the memory of the person and continuing his legacy. Talk about the deceased with friends and family members, and try to follow the traditions that the person followed, whether that be volunteering, reading books to your children, or listening to the person's favorite music.

      • If activities that the deceased person enjoyed increase your sadness and melancholy, make changes to your routine. However, once you are ready to move on with your life, return to the things your deceased loved one enjoyed. This way you can refresh your memory of good memories of the person and not start missing him too much.
      • Remember that you are not trying to forget the person and never think about them again. You learn to remember a person in a positive way, control the feelings you experience and put everything in its place.

   2. Talk to other people who also miss this person. It is wrong to no longer mention a person at all and to completely get rid of everything that reminds of him. However, these measures can be introduced temporarily if you are in extreme pain. Over time, you will be able to talk more calmly about the deceased. Sometimes you can ease sadness and speed up the healing of emotional wounds with memories funny phrases and the actions of the deceased person.

      • Fond memories of a person can help you come to terms with the fact that they have died. Despite the fact that a person cannot be brought back to life, discussing memories will contribute to the process of healing the emotional wound.

   3. Remember that your relationship has not stopped, but has changed its form. Relationships include two components: physical and emotional. Even though the physical component of the relationship has ended, the emotional component continues to exist. You can never completely stop remembering a dead person.

      • Of course, you don't betray a person by trying not to miss him. If he loved you, he will be glad to see that you are trying to move on with your life.
      • It is impossible not to miss a person at all, especially on anniversaries, holidays and others. important events the times you spent together. Instead of trying to ignore the feeling of loss, tell yourself or others: “Today I miss ____. He would have loved to attend our event. Let's remember ____. We love him." This will acknowledge the deceased person's influence on current events and pay tribute to their memory, which will further help heal the pain of loss.
      • It's normal to feel bored from time to time, but it's also normal to want to enjoy yourself. real life rather than dwelling on the past.

   4. Spend more time with friends and family. Friends and family will be there to support you and help you cheer up during difficult times. They may be experiencing grief too, so you can lean on each other and start spending more time together to fill up your free time and feel loved and cared for. During this period, you simply need to feel love and affection, so spending time in the company of people close to you will help ease the sadness for the deceased.

      • However, new friends and other relatives will never replace the place of a deceased person in your soul.
      • If you notice that one of your friends or relatives is recovering from grief faster than you, do not be discouraged. Everyone moves through grief on their own schedule. And you cannot know exactly how another person really feels.

   5. Consider seeing a therapist. If you need outside help in overcoming grief, consult a psychotherapist. If you are not sure that therapy is right for you, try it first and then make a final decision. Discussing your situation with a trained professional will give you a different perspective. Find the courage to ask for help to survive the challenges of life.

      • Be proud that you dared to seek help that will be beneficial for your condition. You should not be ashamed and consider yourself weak person because you have resorted to therapy.

   6. Write down your thoughts in a journal. Instead of trying to mentally weigh all the feelings you have throughout the day, try pouring them into the pages of a journal. Keep a journal every morning or every evening to become more aware of your condition and relieve unnecessary stress. You can also journal thoughts as they arise. Choose the option that suits you best.

      Find yourself a calming activity. When losing a loved one, sometimes people become so focused on the loss and the identity of the deceased that they completely forget about themselves. To start missing someone less, you must do things every day that will help you feel better. That is, you should sleep at least 7-8 hours at night, eat three times a day, even if you don't feel like eating, and spend at least 30 minutes of physical activity every day.

3. Take up exercise, such as running or playing basketball.
4. Try taking up a new hobby: photography, drawing or cooking.
5. Sign up for interesting classes, such as writing workshops or correct selection combinations of different types of wine with food.
6. Rediscover your love of literature. Read everything you wanted to, but didn’t have the chance to read before.
7. Find new species that suit you physical activity. Cycling, hiking and yoga will fill your time and make you feel great.

8. Open your heart to other people. Make an effort to become friendlier to other people. Invite new acquaintances to meet again. At first, you may be shy, but gradually you will begin to get to know others better and better. Smile, be friendly and open to those people who meet on your way.

   • Start communication with a few simple questions. Tell us something funny about yourself or share some funny observations. If you try a little, you will have more friends and you will miss the person who left less.
   • However, you can never replace someone who has left. He was and will be for you important person. Just try to concentrate on meeting new people interesting people to make your life more dynamic.
   • Give other people a chance. You may have more in common with people you were previously skeptical of than you think. If you spend some time with them, you may find that you enjoy their company.

• Laughter is the best medicine. While it's normal to grieve after a loss, you shouldn't lose heart and it's a good idea to find good company.
• Try having a little fun to take your mind off things.
• Don't be afraid to cry. There is nothing wrong with crying; it is even useful, as it allows accumulated emotions to come out.
• Look at photographs and letters or notes that a loved one sent you. However, set yourself a time limit for this action so as not to get hung up on thoughts about this person.
• Don't think about past quarrels and bad times. Stay positive.
• If you need to stop thinking about someone, tell yourself, “Stop. I'm not going to think about him anymore now. I have so many things to do, so I better think about them.” Try to take your mind off this person.
• Remember the fun times you had together and hope to experience something similar again.
• The past cannot be returned, so focus on ensuring a colorful, fulfilling future for yourself.

Warnings

• Staying in grief for a long time can lead to various physical and psychological problems. Learn to cope with grief using information on the topic from trusted sources. Do not deny yourself the need to grieve over a lost relationship, but be able to leave the pain of loss in the past.

How many times have we told our loved ones, friends and relatives this seemingly harmless and touching phrase. Believing that it speaks of our love and will be pleasant to the one to whom it is addressed. Some lovers, not yet parted, repeat to each other: “I already miss you.” They think this is a manifestation of love. In fact, this harmless phrase does not indicate love, but emotional dependence. And if it is repeated too often and becomes an obsession, then this is a signal. Something needs to be done urgently!

Let's try to translate this phrase into the language of logic. When you say “I miss you!”, you are admitting your own powerlessness to occupy yourself with something. It is as if you are tying your loved one to yourself with strong ropes. And he involuntarily tenses up, now he needs to do something about it to relieve your boredom. That is, you emotionally cling to him, tie him to you. To put it simply, you manipulate him. What is he doing? Sometimes it flies to you on the wings of love and brings a large bouquet of consolations and surprises. But sometimes, especially when he doesn’t have time, money or desire, he isolates himself from you, not wanting to take on such responsibility: to relieve your boredom. Someone would console him, support him and bring him out of his state of sadness.

In principle, there is nothing wrong if we sometimes say to each other “I miss you!” This is normal, natural and natural. Only if it does not acquire hypertrophied forms.

What is emotional dependence?

Here's how the psychological dictionary writes about it:

Emotional addiction is the loss of personal autonomy (or a sense of personal autonomy) for emotional reasons. At the same time, the subject of this dependence,

Firstly, experiences suffering due to either the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or the inability to change his behavior, or the presence of inadequate power of the object over him;
Secondly, feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;
Thirdly, finds himself under the chronic negative influence of the feeling that binds him on his life path, general health, decision making and behavior

Indeed, when we enter into a close relationship with someone, we unwittingly fall into emotional dependence. Him Bad mood- and it deteriorates for you, he gets worried - and for some reason you begin to experience excitement. And so on ad infinitum, like communicating vessels. Many believe that this is natural and normal, because close people are communicating vessels that mutually influence each other, maintaining each other in a state of balance.

But, you must admit, we cannot always be close to a loved one and be in the same state of mind. Sometimes we are visited by fatigue, irritation, satiety with relationships and other, at first glance, negative manifestations of our character or psyche. But with a close emotional connection, all of ours are immediately reflected on the one who is nearby, if he is emotionally dependent on us. This is actually a huge responsibility, which is seriously annoying for many people. After all, if they’re bored without you, then when you’re around, you should break into pieces, but cheer them up, increase vitality, maintain interest, be cheerful, inventive, empathic, etc. It’s crazy how many “shoulds” there are! Isn’t it better to get rid of this and go on a free swim without all these “shoulds”. This is how even the strongest emotional connections are broken. And the culprit is the notorious “I miss you!”

Imagine a girl who cannot live without her beloved, endlessly pesters him with her emotional presence, demands attention, support, emotional charging, etc. And suddenly she finds herself rejected by him. You never know. Maybe he’s tired of being a warmer, a vest and a laughing clown for her. Maybe he just wanted to live his own life, separated from her whims and whining, tenderness and snot, control and guidance of life. And so she was left alone with her boredom.

"I miss!" - she yells at him in text messages and on Skype. "I miss!" - screams on Instagram and Facebook.

You won’t envy the one to whom this phrase is addressed. But much more worrying is the one who yells, that is, becomes emotionally dependent on another person. It is quite difficult to get rid of it, since it lies deep in a person’s subconscious and is most often associated with childhood, in which the child’s emotional connections with parents and loved ones were disrupted.

Emotional dependence can arise not only between lovers, but also between parents and children, between friends, relatives, sometimes neighbors, and even between a seller and a buyer in a supermarket. And this happens because at some certain stage and in certain circumstances, the person with whom we are in contact makes up for some current emotional deficiency for us. For example, you were always missing kind words addressed to you from your mom, dad, brother, friend. And then a person appears in your life who generously showers you with compliments and affectionate nicknames. He endlessly confesses his love to you and satisfies your thirst to hear kind words of praise addressed to him. And that's it, you're already hooked. You are ready to do everything so that he is always next to you and always tells you these sweet, not always sincere words. Sometimes, of course, you doubt their veracity. But you don’t want to destroy your illusion. You're welcome. You are glad to be deceived, because “the darkness of truths is dearer to us than the deception that elevates us.”

But such relationships are sooner or later doomed to die, because they are not based on reality, but on your dependence on the positive emotion caused by the words of this person. He is manipulating you to some extent. Consciously or unknowingly. Yes, it is not difficult to manipulate you, because, without knowing it, you fall into the category of victimized individuals (people inclined to be victims) who suffer without the doping of attention and love.

When do relationships of emotional dependence arise?

As a rule, we become emotionally dependent on other people during difficult periods in our lives. When we desperately need someone who would bring us back to normal life, comfort us, help us. It happens:

at turning points in life(loss of family, job, death of a loved one, breakup, etc.);
during the transition to new stage life(graduation from college, moving, new job, marriage, gender reassignment, etc.);
during periods of overload(submission of a quarterly report, project, exams, deadlines, holidays, emergency situations in one or another area of ​​life);
when we get sick;
when we are far from home, from normal life (on vacation, in prison, at a conference).

When we become emotionally vulnerable, we seek an outlet. This protective function of our psyche can play a cruel joke on us if during this period we develop close relationships with someone who can use our vulnerability for their own purposes. And for ourselves, we must understand that very often our ardent love that flared up at the resort is just the need of our psyche to feel safe in an unfamiliar environment. As soon as we return to the usual rhythm of life, it fades and gradually fades away. If of course there was in a simple way compensation for anxiety, not the love of your life.

Most often people fall into the traps of emotional dependence:

dependent, waiting and requiring control and guidance;
problematic individuals with a bunch of debts, unresolved issues, protracted conflicts;
People, occupying a socially dependent position child, pupil, student, subordinate.

Who can they become dependent on?

From a boss, an oppressive family member, a dishonest lover;
from a consultant, seller, distributor, guru, sectarian, preacher;
from a teacher, parent, husband, more.

How to avoid emotional traps?

The first remedy is to realize that you are emotionally dependent. Once you realize this, you will understand that it is stupid to call your loved one every five minutes to let him know how much you miss him. It may be difficult for you not to do this, and you will experience frantic anxiety about why he doesn’t call, why he doesn’t write, or has he really forgotten about you. But it will pass.

In order not to get bored, keep yourself busy so that you don’t even have time to think about the subject of your emotional dependence. It's better if it's all-consuming and interesting activity. Even a good book or a new movie can save you from missing someone you miss so much.

Become a more independent person. Minimize dependencies of various kinds. If it is still difficult to get rid of material dependence, be a person of independent thinking. Don’t lose your opinion, have your own needs and desires. Develop as a person. Learn to take responsibility for your actions.

Become an empathic person for those around you, not just for those you depend on. Empathy - conscious empathy emotional state another man. An empath is a person capable of empathy. By redirecting yourself from yourself to others, you will feel relief. It is better to let others depend on you than you on them. Although, no, give them freedom and give yourself freedom - this is the most the right way avoid persistent emotional dependencies.